The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 74)
July 1, 2002
How to Lose $3.8 Billion Edition

And so the great corporate collapse of 2002 continues - last week it was the turn of WorldCom (1) to announce that, whoops, they weren't being completely honest. What a surprise. Meanwhile the National Republican Campaign Committee (2) is desperately trying to pin the tail on the donkey over last week's Pledge of Allegiance decision. Dubya makes it onto the list twice this week, for the news that crime is on the increase (4) and for deciding to cut overseas family planning funds (7). The Bush Twins have been out on the town and find themselves propping up the chart at number 6, Jerry Falwell (9) gets his knickers in a knot for no good reason whatsoever, and Ann Coulter (10) is... well, she's just Ann Coulter. Enjoy! (And as usual, don't forget the key.)

WorldCom
Oh look, another giant corporation has "accidentally" screwed up its accounts. Last week it was announced that one of the largest telecommunications firms in America, WorldCom, would restate its financial results for the last five quarters due to overlooking the small sum of $3.8 billion in expenses. You are now seeing the results of the great Republican deregulation push - companies cooking their books to ensure massive profits for CEOs and shareholders, and then the little guy getting screwed when the company finally goes down in flames and lays off thousands of workers. According to the Washington Post, since 2000 WorldCom donated roughly equal amounts to candidates from both parties - but up until a week before it revealed its lies, WorldCom was still currying favor with the administration, donating $100,000 to last week's Republican fundraising gala featuring President Bush, "enough to be listed on the program as a vice chairman of the event." Nice. By the way, guess who WorldCom's accountants were up until May of this year? That's right - Kenny Boy's good buddies Andersen.

The National Republican Campaign Committee
Last week an anonymous GOP aide, referring to Democrats' criticism of Republican deregulation policies, brushed off the matter with a sarcastic, "Every time it rains, it's the Republicans fault." Funny then, that while the economy crumbles and corporate criminals hitch a free ride on the Bush Machine, the GOP (and the media) are seizing on the Pledge of Allegiance issue to boost their chances in November. Soon after a federal appeals court declared the Pledge of Allegiance unconstitutional (for its religious reference) the NRCC were blast-faxing Republican candidates all over the country, urging them to "blame liberal Tom Daschle for holding up judicial nominees." An odd strategy indeed, considering that the judge who decided that the Pledge was unconstitutional is a lifelong Republican who was appointed by Richard Nixon. But the message is clear: pay no attention to the economy, our ill-conceived "war on terra," the growing deficit, the erosion of the Constitution, criminal corporations and their GOP-backed welfare, and the abundant Republican sex and morality scandals we have documented right here in the Top Ten - it's those godless commie liberals that are going to ruin America!

Pootie Poot
Vladimir Putin has been getting a few tips from his best pal Dubya recently, "requesting" that the Russian Duma vote last week for a plan which would allow "sweeping restrictions on using the Internet to oppose the government," according to ZDNet. Following the lead of the FBI and the U.S. Justice Department, who have slowly but surely relaxed guidelines which prevented them from spying on websites and monitoring Internet communications, the Russian parliament have taken the next logical step, saying that it is "forbidden to use computer networks for extremism." And how does one define "extremism" exactly? Good question. But we're sure Dubya will be watching Pootie Poot closely as he announces "new bans on some public demonstrations, the use of extremist symbols, and any activity or publication that could threaten the 'safety' of Russia."

George W. Bush
Are you better off than you were four years ago? How about one year ago? Didn't think so. The latest news from George W. Bush's Crusade to Flush America Down The Toilet is that after declining for the previous nine years, crime is on the increase again nationwide. Gee. For some reason I'm just not surprised by more bad news, are you? So - what is Dubya continuing to suggest as a solution to this problem? Like most of his other solutions, it's ass-backwards: propose "several reductions in grants and other assistance to state and local law enforcement agencies, including an 80 percent drop in funding for the Community Oriented Policing Services program," according to the Washington Post. I guess since the Rapture is almost upon us, Righteous George and his buddies might as well give it a helping hand. GRRR!

The Bush Freedom Crackdown Corps
According to the UK Independent: "Nine months after the attacks of 11 September, leading American political cartoonists say they are under intense pressure to conform to a patriotic stereotype and not criticize the actions of Mr Bush and his 'war on terror.' Those who refuse to bend to such pressure face having their work rejected, being fired or even publicly humiliated by the President's press secretary." Isn't it just great that George W. Bush and his buddies can so quickly and cleanly prevent the threat of more terrorist attacks? After all, if the terrorists hate us for our freedom, the simple answer is obvious: get rid of our freedom immediately!

The Bush Twins
Now, we fully understand the exuberance of youth and all that. And we're sure that the vast majority of people first tried alcohol when they were underage. But if you're already famous for being up in court twice on alcohol-related offenses, then don't you think that going around drinking in public is a bit, um, stupid? But then I guess if you're a Bush, you would have learned life's most important lesson a long, long time ago: it doesn't matter what you do, because you'll always have your daddy to bail you out. Consequences? What consequences! Which is why it's all just fine and dandy that the Bush twins were out and about in Washington DC last week, "sucking down Budweisers... with a group of friends," according to the Washington Post. Yep, they've learned the Bush family's number one lesson alright.

George W. Bush (again)
Compassionate conservatism is rearing its ugly head once more - last week it was revealed that George W. Bush will, under pressure from conservative pro-lifers, "slash millions of dollars of funding for a UN family planning programme," according to the UK Guardian. The UN program assists women in more than 140 countries with family planning, HIV and Aids prevention, health and education. So you can see why Bush wants to abolish America's contribution - can't have all those educated, healthy women running around now can we? Especially if they're foreigners...

Trent Lott
Something smells on Capitol Hill, and the stench seems to be oozing from the esteemed Trent Lott's office. It would appear that the son of Senator Lott (Mississippi Hair-Helmet, Jr. we presume) has been quietly lobbying Congress for over a year, according to Roll Call. And here's where it starts getting stinky: Hair-Helmet Jr. was paid $60,000 by BellSouth for work he did while the telecom company was engaged in a battle over the Tauzin-Dingell bill to deregulate the broadband Internet business. Of course, BellSouth didn't hire him because his dad is the Senate Minority Leader. Perish the thought. "I literally didn't think about what was going on in the Senate," said a BellSouth VP. "We didn’t hire them because of the familial relationship." And if you believe that, I've got a broadband network to sell you. Incidentally, did we mention that WorldCom Criminal Corp. gave Trent Lott $1 million for special favors? Man, I love the way those Republicans are returning integrity to Capitol Hill...

Jerry Falwell
The laughable Jerry Falwell strikes again, this time trying to shut down a parody website (www.jerryfalwell.com) by claiming the site is "an illegal use of [his] trademark, libelous, unfair competition and cybersquatting." Cry me a river, Jerry. God tells you that if someone strikes you, you should turn the other cheek - not sue the pants off them. (That's Matthew 5:39 in case you were wondering, "Reverend"). Oh, but I forgot. You're more concerned about protecting your trademark than what it says in the Bible, aren't you? (I'm sure there was something about rich men, camels, and needles in there somewhere too).

Ann Coulter
And finally, Ann Coulter has a new book out, the title of which also conveniently describes her profession! (And no, that's not "the world's oldest profession"). Slander is available now at all good bookstores, and it makes an excellent doorstop, dartboard, or, in an emergency, the pages are soft and absorbent. Buy the book and enjoy Ann's spirited defense of Joe McCarthy and Jerry Falwell. I did find it a tad ironic that Coulter's book is one long complaint about how mean liberals call conservatives names, yet refers to Katie Couric as "the affable Eva Braun of morning TV." Hmm. Not that it stopped Coulter from appearing on the Today show to plug her dreadful piece of fiction. And so, to wrap up this week's list, here's a video of Katie Couric ripping Coulter a new one. See you next week!