The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (No. 78)
August
5, 2002
Offshore Edition
George W. Bush (1) is clearly the man for the job when it comes to cleaning
up crooked corporations, since he already knows all the dirty tricks in the
book. And Dick Cheney (2) is not just his faithful number two in the administration
- he's nudging up behind Dubya on the list this week as well. Meanwhile Paul
O'Neill (4) is single-handedly destroying Brazil's economy, Rick Perry (6) is
going straight for the personal attack ads, and Bill Simon (8) seems absolutely
determined to lose the California governor race. Finally in last place we have
a certain special someone who is very dear to our hearts, making a great big
foul up in a most amusing manner. Enjoy! And here's the key.
George
W. Bush
Well, well, well. The dripping tap dripped a little more last week after it
was revealed
that our oh-so-patriotic responsibility president moved part of his company
overseas to avoid paying US taxes. Back in 1989, while Bush was on the board
of directors of Harken Energy, Harken set up an offshore subsidiary in the Cayman
Islands - exactly the kind of behavior that President Do As I Say, Not As I
Do has been decrying recently. But wait - there's a fantastic excuse! Ready?
According to the New York Daily News a Bush spokesman said that "the
offshore company did not save any taxes because it failed to find oil or make
a profit." Got that? Dubya didn't do anything wrong, see, because he ran
the company so badly that he didn't have a chance to screw the American
taxpayer! Is that a Grade A excuse or what? Kinda like telling the police to
let you go because you made such a loud noise breaking into somebody's house
that you didn't have a chance to steal anything. Absolutely brilliant! Interestingly,
the White House also claimed that Bush opposed the deal. Unfortunately for them,
documents obtained by the Center for Public Integrity prove that statement to
be complete and utter horsefeathers.
Integrity, George. Remember that?
Dick
Cheney
During the 2000 campaign, Bush and Dick were insistent that if they were elected
they would run America like a corporation. Well they weren't elected, but lo
and behold, they're running America like one of their corporations anyway -
straight into the ground. Fresh reporting
by the New York Times reveals that during his tenure as CEO of Halliburton,
Dick Cheney oversaw mounting debt and screwed shareholders out of millions of
dollars by buying a company which had massive asbestos lawsuits filed against
it. Of course, he ended up rich from the deal and then walked away to leave
the mess behind him. Sound familiar? Dick's explanation is that, well, he didn't
know about it. Or, er, it was somebody else's problem. You know, the typical
"Responsibility Era" answer...
George
W. Bush
Our Dubya was on top form again last week, spewing nonsense phrase after mispronounced
syllable at a photo-op with King Abdullah of Jordan. First, Bush expressed his
"furity" at Middle Eastern terrorists, and then went on to attempt
to cause his very own international incident by declaring
that "we must collectively get after those who kill in the name of some
kind of false religion." All good stuff for the red-blooded, ham-fisted,
meat-beating patriots out there, but not so impressive for the millions of peaceful
Muslims whose religion President Dickhead had just denounced. And so much for
the First Amendment, eh? It seems that the president now gets to decide which
religions are "true" and which are "false." But anyway,
the White House backpedaled furiously hours later, with Ari Fleischer coming
out for the umpteenth time this year to explain that what Dubya said was, in
fact, not what he meant. Surprise. Here's
some audio of the comment (if you can stand to listen to the Chimp's voice for
four and a half minutes).
Paul
O'Neill
Paul O'Neill likes to think of himself as George W. Bush's financial Metatron.
It's just that his boss isn't quite as infallible. And neither, it seems, is
O'Neill, who last week managed to cause all kinds of financial distress in Brazil
by making some rather foolhardy
comments about Brazil's monetary mismanagement. After suggesting that Brazil
should enact sound policies "so that [aid] does some good and doesn't just
go out of the country to Swiss bank accounts," Brazil's currency promptly
lost 5% of its value, as panicking traders worried about the impact O'Neill's
statement would have on a potential IMF loan. Amusingly, O'Neill is supposed
to visit Brazil this week - but it's looking increasingly likely that he will
have to get on his hands and knees and crawl all the way there.
Charles
Polk
Let it never be said that Republicans like to profit from the victims of terrorism.
Except, of course, when there's evidence that they do like to profit
from the victims of terrorism. Last week Rep. John Conyers of Michigan launched
an investigation into one of John Ashcroft's best buds, St. Louis attorney Charles
Polk. According
to Yahoo News, Polk "recruited about 120 survivors and victims' relatives"
of the Oklahoma City bombing after telling them that he would win them government
payments - for a modest fee of 27.5% of course. Conyers wrote to Ashcroft recently
saying that he was concerned that Polk "attempted to use his close relationship
with you and your staff to profit from Oklahoma City bombing victims." Ruh-roh!
And now Polk's disgruntled ex-partner, James Helenthal, alleges in a lawsuit
that "Polk told him in March that Ashcroft had encouraged the venture to
help Oklahomans." Oh dear. Looks like yet another compassionate conservative
looking to get rich quick from the misfortune of others. Dare we say - typical?
Rick
Perry
Are there signs that Dubya's replacement as Texas governor is getting a little
desperate? Rick Perry launched
a new ad campaign last week accusing his opponent, Democrat Tony Sanchez, of
allowing drug dealers to launder $25 million through his savings-and-loan back
in 1983. All very meaty, except for the fact that the IRS, two federal judges
and the Justice Department all "totally exonerated'' the bank. It's somewhat
ironic that George W. Bush's excuse for Harken is that it is "ancient history,"
yet now Rick Perry is trying to dredge up a 20-year-old non-story and turn it
into a campaign issue. Still, that's Republicans for you. They're sick of the
politics of personal destruction. They only want to talk about the issues.
Know what I'm saying?
Scott
Sullivan and David Myers
We were so proud of ex-WorldCom top execs Scott Sullivan and David Myers last
week, as they demonstrated the beauty of unbridled, unregulated capitalism by
being arrested and led away in handcuffs. Sullivan and Myers were charged
with securities fraud, conspiracy to commit securities fraud, and filing false
statements so that they could hide a $3.8 billion loss from investors. Nice.
As they were led away, the pair could distinctly be heard calling out, "Don't
blame us! It was Bill Clinton's fault! If he hadn't gotten that blowjob we would
never had committed securities fraud! Listen to Rush, he'll tell yooooooooooouuuuuu!!!!"
Bill
Simon
Republican candidate for California governor Bill Simon seems determined to
shoot himself in the foot painfully and repeatedly. Last week the Sacramento
Bee reported
that Simon claimed that he had "always conducted [his] business with the
highest ethical standards" in his November ballot pamphlet. Unfortunately
for him, a jury found his family business liable for fraud last week. Oh, and
let's not forget the allegations that Simon's company defrauded the US Postal
Service between 1995 and 1999. Yes folks - it's just another Republican who
just wants to govern the people like he conducts his business. Run away! Run
away quickly!
Ground
Zero USA
Here's a tale which would be comedic if it wasn't also somewhat disturbing.
Turns out that we've been bombing in the wrong place - the Al Qaeda terrorist
camps have been here in the US all along. Last week, detectives from Britain's
Scotland Yard revealed
that they suspected that Muslim militants were training at an anti-terrorism
camp in Alabama, "to take advantage of America's gun laws." And how
did British detectives figure out what the owners of the anti-terrorism camp
(called "Ground Zero USA") failed to spot? Could it have had something
to do with "bullet-riddled police cars and a school bus with mannequin
targets" scattered around the property, and a huge shed containing "shot-up
mannequins, male and female, in domestic settings, some with red, blood-like
stains on them." Hmmm...
Katherine
Harris
And finally: Katherine Harris has resigned! Hoorah! But don't get too excited.
The brown-nosing Bush-enabler has merely thrown in the towel as Secretary of
State so she can run for Congress in Sarasota. Booo. Funnily enough though,
her resignation letter had a retroactive date of July 15 on it. Why? Because
she "misunderstood the rules about when she had to quit to run for Congress."
Whoops! Can you believe that? And our Katherine is such a stickler for
rules and regulations. Turns
out that under Florida law, one is supposed to file a resignation letter
on the same day that one becomes eligible to run for Congress. The Sarasota
Herald-Tribune says that, "It's unclear what impact Harris' actions
could have on her run for Congress," but seeing how Katherine is so intent
on punishing people who "make mistakes" under the election law she
is sworn to uphold, you can bet she'll be publicly flagellating herself in the
streets of Sarasota next week. Or not. See you next week!