The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 82)
September 2, 2002
Stand By Your McVeigh Edition

Ann Coulter crashes onto the list in the number one slot this week, beating out a host of worthy contenders. It was tough, But little Annie's comments on fellow right-wing nutcase Tim McVeigh gave her the boost she needed to fend off the challengers. Left gasping for breath in second place is Don Bates, whose political career has been rudely ended by Madam Palm and her five sisters. Jeb Bush can only manage a paltry third place this week for his defense of child-beating advocate Jerry Reiger; meanwhile, the tap continues to drip on Thomas White (4). And poor old George W. Bush can only manage a sad tenth place this week after practically owning the Top Ten for the last two months. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.

Ann Coulter
It's hardly news that Ann Coulter is a right-wing wacko. But did you know she is also a supporter of terrorism? In a recent interview for the New York Observer, Ms. Coulter - who thinks that liberals should be killed - announced her support for mass murderer Timothy McVeigh. "My only regret with Timothy McVeigh," she told interviewer George Gurley, "is he did not go to the New York Times Building." Got that? Her only regret. She doesn't mind that 168 people lost their lives - she just wishes that those 168 people had been (presumably) liberals, working for a news organization she disagrees with. And that, folks, perfectly sums up Ann Coulter's idea of quality political discourse in America. Incidentally, in the same interview Ms. Coulter expressed her desire for Dick Cheney, which pretty much proves that her brain has indeed gone soggy.

Don Bates
The God Guys are coming - literally and figuratively! Don Bates, self-proclaimed "God Guy" in his campaign for local School Board in Florida, was recently forced to quit the race when the St. Petersburg Times discovered that back in 1994 he was arrested and charged for masturbating in public. Apparently he was caught bashing the bishop in his Nissan Maxima while parked at the local mall, which would explain the statement he made earlier that day when he said he was going to "go out and splurge on a new car." Wanking Don expressed his dismay at the breaking news, saying, "I'm sorry that this has to be printed." But he had a good explanation for his behavior - see, in 1994 he was abusing painkillers. So that should win back some points with the voters. Yes, it's all in a day's work for Master Don "Aptly Named" Bates. In fact you might say that this is a classic example of a candidate beating himself (boom tiss).

Jeb Bush
Jerry Regier, the new head of Florida's Department of Children and Families, is a religious maniac who thinks that "biblical spanking [that leads to] temporary and superficial bruises or welts does not constitute child abuse," (see Idiots 81). And this news left Governor Jeb Bush concerned. Very concerned. But of course, this is top-ranked conservative idiot Jeb Bush we're talking about here, so don't get your hopes up. Bush announced last week that he was troubled by a "soft bigotry that is emerging against people of faith," and that, "it really doesn't matter if Jerry has a deep and unabiding faith and it certainly doesn't disqualify him for public service." Well, no - but it probably does matter that the person charged with looking after Florida's children and families believes that children should be subject to "manly" discipline, and that women should be kept indoors as "helpmates" to their husbands. Incidentally Regier's wife is a full-time nurse, so he doesn't just hold social views in line with the Taliban - he's also a first-class hypocrite.

Thomas White
Enquiring minds want to know when Dubya is going to pull his finger out and give Thomas White the boot. Salon reported last week that three months before Tom White was nominated as Secretary of the Army, he was up to his neck in Enron's disgraceful downfall, using his executive positon to "hide the hundreds of millions of dollars in losses from Enron Energy Services, the retail division he had headed since 1998." Oh dear. But don't look for White to be "spending more time with his family" any time soon - we all know that this kind of behavior practically guarantees a high-ranking position in the Bush administration.

The Family Policy Network
This week's "Head In Sand" Award goes to the Family Policy Network, who recently attempted to get a court injuction preventing the University of North Carolina from discussing a book about the Qur'an. See, according to the Christian group, "the assignment should have been prohibited because it promoted Islam." Um, okay. Let's all just ignore the fact that millions of people follow this particular religion, shall we? After all, if we pretend that it doesn't exist then maybe those strange brown people will just go away. In fact, the less we know about Islam, the more confused and angry we can all be! And that's what Jesus would have wanted. Incidentally the court dismissed the case, presumably on the grounds that a bunch of xenophobic nuts shouldn't dictate what colleges should or shouldn't allow their students to discuss.

Baylor University
Can you smell the right-wing indignation? A fraternity from Waco's Baylor University was suspended for one year last week after a picture of some members appeared in Playboy magazine. The fact that they were fully clothed and posing on a volleyball court for an article about the Big 12 Conference had no bearing on the University's decision. See, apparently Playboy is a "salacious publication" which "runs contrary to the school's ideals" - although to be honest we had no idea that volleyball was so offensive. It must be all that heaving and grunting. In a shocking admission, we hear that a spokesman for Baylor later told reporters that, "I myself have occasionally purchased Playboy, although I only beat off to the articles."

The Department of Transportation
So apparently the Transportation Department's Air Marshal program is a huge success. If, of course, by "huge success" you actually mean "enormous failure." USA Today reported last week that over 250 air marshals have left the "top secret" program and officials are "struggling to handle what two managers call a flood of resignations." It could have something to do with the fact that some marshals have faced schedules that called for flights over ten consecutive days, and many have been forced to work 12 to 16 hour days. But according to the Department of Transportation, there's nothing to worry about - in fact, the outlook is positively rosy! Apparently the traveling public should "rest assured that the Federal Air Marshal Service is providing the largest, highest caliber, best trained and most professional protective force in American aviation history." Feeling safer now? Me neither.

Ronnie Davis
Setting another great example for the party of responsibility, honor, and dignity, Tennessee State Rep. Ronnie Davis (R) was arrested last week on federal conspiracy charges. Ronnie was allegedly obtaining diplomatic passports "for people who did not qualify for them," according to the Washington Post. Slapped with 15 counts including "conspiracy, money laundering and extortion," Ronnie now faces up to 30 years in prison and a $1 million fine. Whoops. To his credit, Rep. Davis did try to follow his leader's example and told the Greeneville Sun, "I have no idea what's going on." Sorry Ronnie - nice try, but that excuse only works if your last name is Bush.

The White House
Winning the political war on terra, but losing the political war on the economy, the White House revealed a cynical new measure last week designed to give Republican candidates a boost this November. They plan to push forward a package of tax cuts for investors knowing full well that a) they can't afford them, and b) Senate Democrats will have to kill the bill. The very idea of more tax cuts while the country faces severe deficits is ludicrous in the extreme, but the GOP isn't shy about explaining the purpose of the pretend bill. At a recent White House meeting with economists, Stephen Moore, president of the Club for Growth (a conservative political action committee) said, "Republicans need something to run on, and they need the president's leadership. This will be precisely for that purpose." Another participant said, "They know this thing can't be enacted into law; that's a given. But they do think they can ram it through the House, and leave it to Daschle to kill it." There's your compassionate conservatism folks - rather than actually helping investors, the White House just wants to pretend to help, and then throw blame at the Democrats. Nice to see that the era of partisanship is over in Washington.

George W. Bush
And finally, what did George W. Bush do on his vacation? Well, he's been quite a busy little bee. For starters, Dubya was recently seen bowing and scraping to perhaps the biggest supporters of terrorism in the world, the Saudis - during an official visit by Crown Prince Abdullah last week, George insisted that the United States and Saudi Arabia had an "eternal friendship." Jesus George, are you drilling for oil up the Crown Prince's butt? Secondly, you will be proud to hear that our great leader has just completed his 50th presidential fundraising trip, which brings the grand total of cash raised for the GOP up to $105 million since his inauguration. Funny how the Republicans were constantly criticizing the last elected president for fundraising, and yet according to the Associated Press Bush is "far outpacing Bill Clinton during the same period in his presidency." Oh, we're shocked. See you next week!