The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 86)
October 7, 2002
Coup Jersey Edition

Only a month until election day, and the Republicans are up to their old tricks again. At the top of the list, Doug Forrester (1) is trying to win his seat the old-fashioned way: by stealing it. George W. Bush (2), is busy slandering Senate Democrats in classic Republican chickenhawk style. Meanwhile, Dick Posthumus (3) is playing the race card in Michigan, while Jerry Falwell (4) shows his tolerance of other faiths, and Richard Perle (5) disses the chancellor of Germany. Jeb Bush (8) is back, scapegoating gays for his own failures, while Charles Grassley (9) plays the Hitler card. Don't forget the key.

Doug Forrester
Much recent cheek-puffing and smoke-blowing has left Doug Forrester looking like Mr. Clean in the New Jersey's senate race. But, as with most things Republican, this air of respectability is nothing more than a complete and total sham. Forrester's been arguing that his ex-opponent Bob Torricelli should not be replaced on the ballot because New Jersey has a law which says candidates may only be replaced up to 51 days before the election. And therefore the Democrats are law-breaking scumbags who would sell their own mothers to win. Oh really? That's funny, because the New Jersey Supreme Court, (most of whom were appointed by Republican Christine Todd Whitman) unanimously decided that "N.J.S.A. 19:13-20 does not preclude the possibility of a vacancy occurring within fifty-one days of the general election." That's right folks, there is no applicable "51-day" law in New Jersey - but the Republicans are more than willing to tell you that there is. Why? So they can run their candidate unopposed, of course! It's democracy, stupid! (Oh, and by the way, if you want more evidence that this is a bunch of classic Republican hypocrisy, try this for size.)

George W. Bush
Once again, George W. Bush showed his outright contempt for the American people and for all standards of decency as he ratcheted up the campaign rhetoric against the Democrats last week. When the Senate refused to rubber-stamp his Homeland Security bill, Bush said that that Democrats are "not interested in the security of the American people." Enraged, Democratic Leader Tom Daschle lashed back on the floor of the US Senate, demanding that Bush apologize "to every veteran who has fought in every war who is a Democrat in the Senate" and to the American People. Don't hold your breath waiting for an apology, Tom. Bush didn't bother to fight for the security of the American People last time he had the chance, choosing instead to sign up for the National Guard and then go AWOL.

Dick Posthumus
Why is it that Democrats always get accused of playing the race card, when it seems that Republicans have a full deck complete with five aces? Take for example the latest twist in the Michigan Gubernatorial race, where Republican Dick Posthumus has begun running a Willie Horton-style ad claiming that if Democrat Jennifer Granholm is elected she might actually - gasp! - help black people. The ad states that Granholm would write "a blank check for Detroit" (read, "black people") and basically implies that all the poor white folks out in the suburbs would have their money viciously wrestled from them by Granholm herself, who would then drive around downtown Detroit in a big bus with "Free Cash" painted on the side, handing bundles of twenties to welfare queens and drug dealers. Way to go... Dick.

Jerry Falwell
The nutty reverend is at it again, continuing his post-9/11 Christian Crusade of Bigotry™ against Arabs, homosexuals, liberals, and other threats to decent society. This week's Falwellian boogeyman: The Prophet Muhammed. On the CBS newsmagazine "Sixty Minutes," he said that "Muhammed. was a terrorist." Having no doubt immersed himself in the study of Islam, Jerry explained that Muhammed. was "a man of war," which makes him a terrorist. Hmmm. I'm guessing that Reverend Falwell doesn't have a similar opinion of a certain other "man of war" currently sitting in the White House.

Richard Perle
The massive arrogance of the Bush Junta was on full display last week, as Pentagon advisor Richard Perle lashed out at German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, calling on him to resign. You see, the Bushies don't like the fact that Schroeder dared to suggest that Dubya's war in Iraq might not be such a great idea. When asked what Schroeder could do to improve US-German relations, Perle said that "It would be best if he resigned." Never mind that Schroeder was democratically elected by the people of Germany just two weeks ago - the arrogant bastards in the Bush administration have shown time and again that they don't give a damn about democratic elections. I can think of a better way to improve US-German relations...

Stan Jones
Stan Jones, Montana's Libertarian candidate for Senate, is blue. No, he's not miserable - he's actually literally blue. Apparently Mr. Jones has began "taking colloidal silver in 1999 for fear that Y2K disruptions might lead to a shortage of antibiotics," according to the Associated Press, and now his skin has permanently turned a blue-gray color. Stan says that, "people ask me if it's permanent and if I'm dead." Presumably they also ask him if he's two cans short of a sixpack or what.

Afghanistan
Well I'm glad we kicked those religious maniacs the Taliban out of Afghanistan! Now we've dropped a few bombs and kicked a few brown butts the formerly-terrorist-ridden-but-now-surely-sane-and-democratic country must just be a haven of peace and joy. What's that? It's not? Try this: a pregnant woman was recently jailed because her brother-in-law said that she had sex with her cousin. The evidence? Well, her brother-in-law said she did, so it must be true! He's now disappeared with her other four children, and is apparently working on selling her deceased husband's land. The good news though is that under the old law, she would have been executed. So I'm glad we didn't accidentally blow up that wedding for nothing.

Jeb Bush
The massive failure of the Florida Department of Children and Families in the case of missing child Rilya Wilson has drawn national attention, and Governor Jeb Bush has been on the political hot seat. So the Governor was gleeful last week when he learned that he might be able to foist the blame onto a convenient scapegoat: gays and lesbians. According to the Pensacola News Journal, Jeb told a group of visiting legislators that he had some "juicy details" about the five-year-old child's caregivers, and then implied that they were lesbians. "Bet you don't get that in Pensacola," Jeb told his visitors. Typical Republican ass-covering: When all else fails, blame the gays. Shameful.

Charles Grassley
It must be election season, because Dubya isn't the only one slandering the Democrats. On the floor of the U.S. Senate, Charles Grassley showed how low the GOP was willing to go this year: Hitler comparisons. Said Grassley: "I am sure voters will get their fill of statistics claiming that the Bush tax cut hands out 40 percent of the benefit to the top 1 percent of the taxpayers. This is not merely misleading, it is outright false. Some folks must be under the impression that as long as something is repeated often enough, it will become true. That was how Adolf Hitler got to the top." Note how Grassley didn't bother to tell us what the actual statistics for Bush's tax cut are. Was it 39 percent? Maybe 40.2 percent! Either way it's still "outright false." I don't know about Hitler, but Goebbels would be proud, Chuck.

Lucille Poulin
And finally, what would you do with a bunch of disobedient children? Perhaps you might search for guidance in the words of the Bible and ask yourself "what would Jesus do?" That's what former nun Lucille Poulin did recently, and lo! The answer was simple: beat the children with a heavy wooden paddle. Ms. Poulin appeared in court last week and told the jury that "she was personally directed by God to hit the children in order to correct their behavior and save them from going to Hell," according to Canada's Globe and Mail. "It isn't easy," said she, "but God said to do it." I must've missed that bit of the Bible at Sunday School... although to be fair, I probably would have paid more attention if someone had been whacking me with a big stick. See you next week!