The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 88)
October 21, 2002
First Election Countdown Edition

As the election draws nearer, we're starting to see a whole host of campaign related idiocy cropping up all over the place. There's Jeb Bush (1) lying to old folks, Bill Owens (2) trying to pretend that his son is responsible, Mitt Romney's (3) hypocrisy on gay rights, Doug Forrester's (4) thoughts on Atlantic City, and Tom Tancredo's (5) gun nut flip-flop. But it's not just election idiocy this week. Further down the list we find Michael Kelly (7) who thinks that both George Bushes deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, Saudi Arabia (8) who continue to fund Al Qaeda under the very noses of the Bush administration, and Dubya himself (9) presiding over financially devastating corporate scandals. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key.

Jeb Bush
What's the latest trick up the sleeve of Jeb "Devious" Bush (see Idiots 87)? It's a good one - pretend to be endorsed by respectable organizations that don't actually endorse anybody! Yep, Jeb sent out a mass mailing to seniors last week, which featured a photograph of the Florida governor standing in front of an AARP banner. Unfortunately the AARP is nonpartisan and does not endorse political candidates - and they're pissed off that Jeb tried to pretend otherwise. ''Their attempt is to put their arms around our 2.6 million members, and we're not reciprocating,'' said Bentley Lipscomb, head of the AARP. Come on, Jeb. Don't you have more important things to do, like getting your crackhead daughter out of jail?

ELECTION 2002: Visit Jeb Bush's Democratic opponent, Bill McBride!

Bill Owens
The party of family values strikes again - first George W. Bush's niece is sent down for crack possession (Noelle's daddy Jeb didn't bother showing up in court) - and now we hear that Colorado's Governor Bill Owens is having a few family problems too. Turns out that his son, Mark was caught vandalizing school buses and other vehicles last week, and ended up being charged with burglary and criminal mischief. It ought to be the slogan of the Republican Party really: "Vote Republican. Criminal Mischief." But anyway, apparently Mark and some friends broke into a storage shed, liberated some softball bats, and then started busting windows causing $4,200 worth of damage. But it's okay, because Governor Owens said his son has "taken responsibility for his actions" and has coughed up $1,468 to the school to his share of the damage. Poor kid. And presumably by "taking responsibility for his actions" Governor Owens means that Mark accepted the fifteen hundred bucks his daddy gave him in an effort to prevent his expulsion, and possibly was sent to bed with no cocoa on Friday night.

ELECTION 2002: Visit Bill Owens's Democratic opponent, Rollie Heath!

Mitt Romney
With the elections coming up there's plenty of opportunities for some first-class hypocrisy. Take for example Mr. Mitt Romney, gubernatorial candidate for Massachusetts. Romney has been declaring throughout his campaign that he is a fine, tolerant man who supports gay rights. Oh really? Then why, according to the Boston Globe, did he give "a $1 million donation to Brigham Young University, a school with antigay policies aimed at punishing, often by suspension or expulsion, students who engage in any homosexual activity?" Why indeed. Could it be that Mr. Romney doesn't actually support gay rights? Surely not. A Romney spokesman said the money was for BYU's "education mission" and "Romney has no ability to affect the institution's policies toward gays." Hmm, well, he could start by not giving them a million dollars worth of support.

ELECTION 2002: Visit Mitt Romney's Democratic opponent, Shannon O'Brien!

Doug Forrester
Doug "I'm-Not-Bob-Torricelli-Oh-Shit-Where's-He-Gone?" Forrester, New Jersey's Republican candidate for Senate, has been taking some heat recently for a few newspaper articles he wrote over ten years ago. The New York Times reports that Mr. I'm-Not-Bob-Torricelli wrote around 200 columns for his local newspaper between 1989 and 1993 on fascinating topics such as "Mother's Day, ice cream or the time Mr. Forrester was forced to kill a shrew in his bathtub." Mmm. Unfortunately for him, Doug Forrester also wrote a couple of articles suggesting that while assault weapons were a great idea, drink-driving checkpoints were not. Oh, and that Atlantic City had "the subtle beauty of a streetwalker" which gave him the "feeling that I had cavorted in the unclean waters of a toddler's wading pool." Say hello to Doug "I'm-Not-Bob-Torricelli" Forrester, this week's winner of the Bill Simon Campaign Blunder Award!

ELECTION 2002: Visit Doug Forrester's Democratic opponent, Frank Lautenberg! (Not Bob Torricelli)

Tom Tancredo
If you enjoyed Mitt Romney's campaign hypocrisy, check out Tom Tancredo, who said after the Columbine massacre that he would no longer accept donations from gun nuts. Very noble. But what's this? It seems that Mr. Tancredo, who is running for the third time in Columbine High School's Congressional district, just recently accepted $1,500 from the National Rifle Association. Hmmm. Asked for an explanation, Tancredo said that his decision was "never intended to be permanent." See? It was only intended to apply while all those dead kids were fresh in everyone's minds. Nice.

ELECTION 2002: Visit Tom Tancredo's Democratic opponent, Lance Wright!

Enron
It's been common knowledge for a long time on Democratic Underground that Enron was manipulating energy prices in California during the run-up to the 2000 presidential election. The activities of President Bush's favorite company (they gave him free use of their private jets during the campaign) caused brownouts and blackouts in California, and caused prices to skyrocket. And now, finally, one of the Enron insiders has admitted that it's all true. Timothy Belden, Enron's former head of trading in Portland, Oregon, pleaded guilty to conspiracy last week and struck a deal with prosecutors to blow the whistle on his co-conspirators. "I did it because I was trying to maximize profit for Enron," Belden told Judge Martin Jenkins. Hmm. Interesting. So what else was Enron doing to try and maximize their profits? Well, if the Democrats win control of Congress on November 5, perhaps we can get Dick Cheney to finally let everyone take a good look at his energy policy documents...

Michael Kelly
It seems that Jimmy Carter's Nobel Peace Prize award has sent some conservatives spiraling dangerously out of control. Take Michael Kelly for example, who last week penned a column suggesting that despite Carter's humanitarian record and ceaseless efforts for worldwide peace, better recipients for the award would have been the father-son team of George Bush Sr. and Jr. How amusing. I mean, can't you see what the Bushes have done for world peace? Selling weapons of mass destruction to Iraq while secretly selling weapons to Iran was a good one. And then there was the training of Osama bin Laden and the funding of Afghan militants to fight against the Soviet Union, only to have to go to Afghanistan and carpet-bomb those same militants fifteen years later. That was another good one. I think they deserve the Nobel Peace Prize, don't you?

Saudi Arabia
Quick, we must rush to attack Iraq because of September 11 and, uh, Al Qaeda and because.. um, Saddam is... helping bin Laden... I think... and anyway, he gassed his own people with that gas we gave him. Meanwhile, according to a new report by the Council on Foreign Relations, Saudi millionaires continue to throw money at Al Qaeda, and what's the USA doing about it? Surprise - not a fat lot. Perhaps getting Poppy Bush to stop selling them weapons would be a good start, or at the very least, he could stop playing golf with them. That should show them a thing or two. Wait - I've just thought of a brilliant way to stop Saudi millionaires from throwing money at Al Qaeda. Let's invade Iraq!

George W. Bush
So what have Dubya's business buddies cost the country thus far? A recent study indicates that the mess of corporate scandals since boy George was inaugurated has cost Americans "more than $200 billion in lost investment savings, jobs, pension losses and tax revenue." That's some great financial management by the MBA President. And that's not all. Apparently the affected companies have laid off more than a million workers - all while the company bosses cashed in on their stock options and made out like, um, bandits. So thanks, George, for your caring, sharing, compassionate approach to government - help your rich pals get even richer, and screw the average American. But it's okay. We can clear all this nonsense up in one simple move - let's invade Iraq!

Paul O'Neill
And finally, Paul O'Neill has come up with a great way to solve all of Dubya's financial problems - simply eliminate corporate income tax. This is a great idea for three reasons: 1) it'll stop all those oh-so-patriotic companies from sneakily relocating to foreign countries, 2) the economy will suddenly rebound and massive federal deficits will become surpluses again overnight, and 3) let's invade Iraq! See you next week...