The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (No. 92)
November
25, 2002
Fairly Unbalanced Edition
Welcome once again to the the Top Ten Conservative Idiots! The Leonid meteor
shower must have shorted out some conservatives' neural pathways, because there's
no shortage of tomfoolery this week. Top of the list is Roger Ailes leading
the charge to kiss up to Dubya. But Roger's got some stiff competition: top
GOP officials Scott Fawell and Roger Stanley (2) have some prostitutes to explain
away, Rush Limbaugh (4) is just plain evil, and Bob Ehrlich wants to kill people
(5). And let's not forget our friends who are bringing up the rear: old pal
Justice Roy Moore (7), Oliver North (9) and last and of course least, George
W. Bush (10). Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key.
Roger
Ailes
FOX News
is as fair and balanced a news organization as you are ever likely to see. Except,
that is, when their chairman Roger Ailes is sending notes to George W. Bush
advising him on policy. According
to Bob Woodward, shortly after September 11 Ailes sent Bush an "important-looking
confidential communication" in which Mr. Ailes was offering a "back-channel
message" to Bush, telling him what he should do next to avoid losing the confidence
of the American people. Ailes, of course, claims that he was offering his advice
"as a human being and a citizen" - a human being and a citizen who
just happens to run a cable news organization which spends all its time brown-nosing
Bush, mind you. Oh, but wait, they're fair and balanced. So of course they wouldn't
give Bush any help getting his message across after 9/11, and their chairman
was acting completely independently. How foolish of us.
Scott
Fawell and Roger Stanley
The GOP: party of honesty, integrity, morals and values? Or party of bribes,
bid-rigging, political favors, and, um, Costa Rican hookers? Well we haven't
seen much proof of the former, but their is certainly plenty of evidence
to support the latter. Take Scott Fawell, Illinois Republican and former top
aide to lame-duck Governor George Ryan, who accepted free Costa Rican fishing
trips (along with the aforementioned hookers) from fellow Republican "bigwig"
Roger Stanley. In return, Stanley got contracts. But now the poop is hitting
the fan, and Fawell and Stanley have been indicted for various offenses such
as diverting state employees to work on numerous campaigns on state time, shredding
garbage bags full of campaign records, thwarting an internal investigations
of wrongdoing, obstruction of justice, etc., etc., etc. Ah yes, the Grand Old
Party indeed.
Wanda
Hudak
Wanda Hudak,
a Binghampton, NY county lawmaker and Director of the Broome County Republican
Women's Club, has come up with an interesting
way to prevent domestic violence, and a novel take on the problems facing the
local social services department. So how are those problems caused? According
to Hudak, they can be "blamed on women of low moral character." Aha.
And what about that domestic violence? Well apparently that can be solved with
nothing more than a "25-cent bullet." So there you have it! Fresh new Republican
ideas for the twenty-first century!
Rush
Limbaugh
Just when you think Rush "Anal Cyst" Limbaugh can't get any worse,
well, he does. Tom Daschle recently complained to the media that personal death
threats and threats against his family have greatly increased since Limbaugh
started constantly bad-mouthing him. Really? What on earth could Rush have said?
Try this:
"There’s a very high likelihood we’re going to even face additional terrorist
attacks ... No country is safe from this threat, not even us, no country is
going to be perfect in its efforts to fight it. And Senator Daschle, you know
this. Just as you know that you are hoping to benefit politically when our economy
stagnates and people lose jobs, you are hoping to politically benefit with the
next terrorist attack.... You are seeking political advantage in the war on
terrorism just exactly as you sought political advantage after the war on terrorism
started on September 11. Just as you sought political advantage with the economy
plundering, just as you sought political advantage with the stock market collapse,
just as you sought political advantage with the corporate scandals. You seek
political advantage with the nation at war. There is no greater testament to
the depths to which the Democratic Party and liberalism have fallen. You now
position yourself, Senator Daschle, to exploit future terrorist attacks for
political gain. You are worse, sir, than the ambulance-chasing tort lawyers
that make up your chief contributors. You, sir, are a disgrace. You are a disgrace
to patriotism, you are a disgrace to this country, you are a disgrace to the
Senate, and you ought to be a disgrace to the Democratic Party but sadly you’re
probably a hero among some of them today..." Jaysus, why don't we just
take Daschle outside and string him up right now, Rush? Incidentally,
Limbaugh also managed to admit
last week that there was no such thing as the liberal media. And we liked that
so much, we put it on a T-shirt.
Bob
Ehrlich
Earlier this
year Maryland Governor Parris Glendening ordered a moratorium on executions
in the state because of concerns about the fairness of the application of the
death penalty. For example: "while an overwhelming majority of Maryland
murder victims are black, all 13 men on the state's death row were sentenced
to die for killing whites," according
to the Washington Post. Now enter Governor-elect Bob Ehrlich, who has
no such qualms about throwing the switch on bad guys. Heck, the people of Maryland
voted for more executions - and speedier elections to boot - and that's what
they shall have. Ehrlich has promised to rescind the moratorium as soon as he
takes office in January. And that means that seven people could be knocked off
in his first year alone! Three cheers for Bob Ehrlich and his policy of executing
blacks quickly and without fuss! Incidentally, Ehrlich was also in trouble recently
for flying around in a luxury helicopter owned by a company linked to the local
FOX TV station. But that's another story...
Fred
Nile and John Howard
Did you know they have conservative idiots in Australia too? Check out the Rev.
Fred Nile, a Christian New South Wales Member of Parliament, who recently caused
outrage by suggesting
that Muslim women should be banned from wearing full body coverings in public.
Why? Duh! Because they could be hiding bombs or weapons under there, silly!
"It is not a fairy tale," he insisted. Step forward Prime Minister John Howard
to denounce Rev. Nile's statements. Uh, or not: "Generally speaking I'm in favor
of respecting people's religious beliefs, or indeed people's lack of religious
beliefs," said Howard. Generally speaking? But not all the time, right? He went
on: "I understand what he's getting at, but I also stop short of agreeing with
him because I've got to frankly myself have a better understanding of just how
fundamental that is." Well that's cleared that up then...
Roy
Moore
Poor Justice
Roy Moore. No stranger to the Top Ten Conservative Idiots (see Idiots passim)
the ultra-conservative judicial nutjob last week lost
the battle to keep his 5,300-pound granite Ten Commandments monument in Alabama's
judicial building. U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson said that Moore's monument
violates the constitution's ban on government promotion of religion, and he
was given thirty days to remove it. Immediately following the decision, a disappointed
Moore left the courtroom and announced that since he now didn't have a big stone
to tell him not to, he would spend the next couple of days coveting his neighbor's
ass.
The
Bush Administration
And the score
so far in the battle for Afghanistan is... well, let's just say that the challengers
aren't doing too well. According to General Richard Myers, Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff, "We've lost a little momentum there, to be frank." Apparently
Al Qaeda and Taliban forces are getting bolder all the time and are carrying
out more daring attacks against U.S. troops, while the Bush administration's
plan to rebuild Afghanistan has stalled. Not that you'd know it if you spend
any time watching the news on TV of course. In fact, Afghanistan seems to have
completely disappeared from the public's radar. Mind you, the media are
treating the story in true American style: if we're not winning, who cares,
right?
Oliver North
Obviously irritated that his co-conspirator John Poindexter is working on a
cushy scheme to spy on American citizens (see Idiots
91), Oliver North has decided to branch out too. What's his new line of
work? It's... wait for it... the tourism industry. Yes, according
to the Associated Press, "Former White House aide Oliver North will lead
scores of supporters on a Caribbean cruise next year to commemorate the 20th
anniversary of the U.S. invasion of Grenada." Woohoo! Remember when we
kicked Grenada's ass? Now who's up for a game of shuffleboard?
George
W. Bush
And finally:
a picture is worth a thousand words.
Note:
The Top Ten will be taking a break next week due to the Thanksgiving holiday.
We'll see you again in two weeks!