The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 93)
December 9, 2002
Lucky Duckies Edition

We're back! If you missed us last week because we were stuffing our faces with turkey, don't worry - we've included some stories from the past two weeks, so all of our idiots are covered. Top of the chart this week is none other than Suzanne Terrell, who got her ass handed to her by Senator Mary Landrieu. Next is John LeBoutillier, who has such a passionate hatred for Bill Clinton that we actually feel a bit sorry for him. And oozing into third place is the Wall Street Journal, who recently coined a new phrase for "the poor." Elsewhere we find Trent Lott (4), Paul O'Neill and Larry Lindsay (5), George W. Bush (6) and Katherine Harris (8). And bringing up the rear we've got Rush Limbaugh (10). Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key.

Suzanne Terrell
Louisiana held the country's last U.S. Senate election on Saturday, between incumbent Mary Landrieu and Republican challenger Suzanne Terrell. True to GOP fashion, Terrell ran a shameful negative attack campaign against Landrieu. Her overstuffed campaign coffers allowed her to run three or four ads for every one that Landrieu put up. The media whores, expecting a Terrell victory, have spent the last month trashing Landrieu and hyping this election as a "referendum" on George W. Bush. Bush even raised a million bucks for Terrell in the last week. Fortunately, the voters of Louisiana were not swayed by the Republican machine, and sent Terrell packing. Unsurprisingly, the media doesn't seem to be calling it a referendum on Bush anymore. Go figure.

John LeBoutillier
Talk about having nothing better to do with your time. One-term congressman John LeBoutillier (R-NeverHeardOfHim) has come up with a great idea to stick the knife in Bill and Hillary Clinton yet again. LeBoutillier has put forth plans for the "Counter Clinton Library," to be built a few minutes walk from the official Clinton Presidential Library in Little Rock, Arkansas. LeBoutillier's "CCL" is supposedly going to refute the Clintons' "distortions, slanders, spins and outright lies," and will therefore be dedicating space to such blatantly factually-inaccurate urban myths such as "Travelgate" and the alleged trashing of the White House. It seems that the usual Right Wing Organizations for the Terminally Braindead aren't hesitating to leap aboard the Crush Clinton Gravy Train - LeBoutillier will be appearing on FOX News (of course) and Newsmax.com is taking donations. They say the project will be completed six months before the official Presidential Library, but frankly it all sounds like a steaming pile of self-aggrandizing elephant ca-ca to us. Which leads us to ask: shouldn't John LeBoutillier stop whacking off over Bill Clinton and get a job or something?

The Wall Street Journal
Kudos to E.J. Dionne Jr. for pointing out this hellacious example of conservative idiocy in a Washington Post opinion piece last week. According to Dionne, it seems that The Wall Street Journal has hit upon a great new whipping-boy: the poor. See, the real societal tragedy of today is that the poor aren't paying enough taxes. (Note that this comes from a publication that is usually opposed to higher taxes.) According to the Journal's editorial page, the working poor are - and I quote - "lucky duckies" because they don't have the troublesome burden of paying a lot of income tax. Never mind all the other taxes (which of course, the Republicans don't want to cut) that the poor have to pay. Lucky duckies, that's what they are. So here's a suggestion - how about all those unfortunate millionaires just hand over all their cash to the poor, thus saddling them with that terrible income tax burden, and try living on $12,000 a year? They too could be lucky duckies!

Trent Lott
We all know that Republicans are a bunch of bigots who yearn for a return to the days of racial segregation, but it's pretty rare that one of them actually comes right out and says it. Imagine our surprise when the soon-to-be Majority Leader of the U.S. Senate, Trent Lott, pretty much did exactly that at a 100th birthday party for Strom Thurmond. If you recall, Strom ran for president back in 1948 on an unabashedly pro-segregation platform. According to the Washington Post, Trent had this to say: "I want to say this about my state: When Strom Thurmond ran for president we voted for him. We're proud of it. And if the rest of the country had of followed our lead we wouldn't have had all these problems over all these years, either." Gee, Trent, what are "all these problems" that you refer to? Could it be all those uppity black folk wanting to eat at the same restaurants, drink at the same water fountains, and vote in the same elections?

Paul O'Neill and Larry Lindsay
So long, farewell, adieu, ta-ta, ciao, auf wiedersehn... George W. Bush's economic team disappeared into the sunset last week, leaving behind a stunning track record of a sinking economy, huge federal deficits, a tanking stock market, and a massive tax cut for the rich. Now all we need is Bush, Cheney, Rove, Fleischer and all the rest to resign, and before you know it the economy will be back to normal.

George W. Bush
Back in 1994 Bill Clinton banned a practice of awarding large cash bonuses to political appointees because, according to The Washington Post, the bonuses would "encourage political favoritism and send the wrong message to federal employees." Last week it was revealed that George W. Bush had secretly reversed this decision earlier in the year, presumably as part of his plan to return "integrity" and root out "impropriety" in Washington. According to Tom Daschle, "The fact that the Bush administration has decided, in secret, to bring them back is just the latest demonstration of how misplaced this administration's priorities are." Even worse is that just one week earlier, Bush was telling federal employees that sorry, your raises might not be quite what you expected this year. War on Terror, you know. Federal deficits and all that. Just going to have to suck it up, I'm afraid, because it's for your country and if you don't like it then you should move to Russia you un-American swine. And anyway, I need the money that should have been given to you to throw at my cronies whenever I feel like it. Happy holidays!

Tom Ridge and Mark Schweiker
Getting back to the lucky duckies... you can include all the tax-dodging companies that Pennsylvania's Ridge-Schweiker administration employed between 1997 and 1999. It was revealed last week that the administration awarded "more than $3 billion in state contracts to companies that have overdue state tax bills or other outstanding state debts," according to The Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. State Auditor General Robert P. Casey Jr. said, "Pennsylvania's Contractor Responsibility Program was established to ensure that contractors doing business with the commonwealth are competent and responsible, and that the contracting process is free of waste, fraud and abuse ... Unfortunately, our audit found that this administration repeatedly and intentionally paid out millions of hard-earned tax dollars to tax delinquents in total disregard of the program's goals." Lucky, lucky, lucky duckies...

Katherine Harris
Oh my. Katherine Harris has been a congresswoman for about five minutes, and wouldn't you know it - she's already been given a leadership role. It appears that House Majority Whip-Elect Roy Blunt has tapped Harris for a position as assistant majority whip. Whoop-ah. And what does an assistant majority whip have to do? Well apparently they are crucial to the "leadership discussions of the strategies of passing legislation," and, of course, "the vote-gathering process." Well Harris should be good at that. Remember when she gathered all those Al Gore votes and threw them in the trash?

Newsmax.com
Ah, Newsmax.com - can it get any worse than this? The so-called "news organization" recently reported on the topic of Mary Landrieu and the Louisiana senate race, claiming that Landrieu had "threatened" her Republican rival, Suzanne Terrell by saying "This is your last campaign." Uh, whatever. But then Carl Limbacher and friends came up with this gem: "Landrieu should be careful as well, and she might want to avoid the unfriendly skies until the runoff election is held Dec. 7. Unfortunately, Democrat candidates have a tradition of dying in mysterious plane crashes - but only those in danger of losing. She should pray her party doesn't have a viable candidate ready to replace her." Now that's what I call a serious news organization!

Rush Limbaugh
And finally, according to that epitome of non-bias The Washington Times, conservative poster turd Rush Limbaugh "fears that outgoing Senate Majority Leader Tom Daschle is giving comfort to the United States' enemies by belittling U.S. achievements in the war on terror." Oh my lord, stop the presses! Rush Limbaugh has something partisan to say about Tom Daschle! "He's attacked my president. He attacked our effort in the war on terrorism. He said he's seen no evidence of any victory because we haven't gotten [Osama] bin Laden," whined King Donut. "He's out there broadcasting this to the world. This is getting such coverage, who knows what kind of aid and comfort it might be providing the people that we're attempting to bring to justice, either legally or militarily?" Well pardon us, Mr. Limbaugh, but haven't you for the last ten years been earning a fat living sitting on your ass broadcasting to tens of millions of people that our military is in dire straits, that Bill Clinton has rendered it completely ineffective, that he was too concerned about impeachment to worry about foreign policy, that with him as Commander-in-Chief we might as well just surrender right now? And then you blame Tom Daschle for giving "aid and comfort" to the enemy? This hypocrisy is almost physically crippling! We would suggest you take a look in the mirror, Rush, but it's doubtful that you would find one sufficiently crack-resistant. See you next week!