The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 107)
April
28, 2003
Gay Incest Bigamy Polygamy Adultery Edition
There
was no question about who should top the list this week -
step forward Sen. Rick Santorum and his disgusting comments
on homosexuality. Bill O'Reilly (2) did his best to keep up
with a bit of racism, and Karl Rove (3 & 4) managed to
make it on twice this week - once for shameful behavior, and
once for idiotic behavior. Elsewhere we have yet another Republican
pervert in Richard Delgaudio (5), the Bush Administration
(6 & 8) crack the list twice on the topic of weapons of
mass destruction, Becthel (7) gets a massive taxpayer-provided
windfall, and Jay Garner (10) is obviously letting power go
to his head. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.
Rick
Santorum
Looks like Sen. Rick Santorum could be in a "Lott"
of trouble. Last week the third-ranking senate Republican
decided that he would take
the opportunity to jump on the Republican "demean-an-entire-group-of-Americans"
bandwagon and do a little gay-bashing: "...if the Supreme
Court says that you have the right to consensual sex within
your home, then you have the right to bigamy, you have the
right to polygamy, you have the right to incest, you have
the right to adultery. You have the right to anything."
Aside from the class-A homophobia on display here, Santorum
also managed to squeeze in an utterly bizarre concept: "I
have no problem with homosexuality. I have a problem with
homosexual acts.... If that's their orientation, then I accept
that. And I have no problem with someone who has other orientations.
The question is, do you act upon those orientations?"
Uh... like, what the hell? So it's okay to be gay, as long
as you don't actually have gay sex? There's nothing wrong
with being homosexual, provided you're, say, married to a
member of the opposite gender and roger them every night?
How confusing. Santorum was roundly criticized for his bigoted
comments last week by gay
rights groups, Senate
Democrats, Gerald
Ford and Mary Cheney, and, comically, the leader of one
of Utah's largest polygamist
sects. Most Republicans, however, remained silent
on the matter - what a surprise. Santorum has stated that
he has nothing to apologize for. But will he eventually follow
in the footsteps of the Mississippi Hair Helmet and decide
he needs to "spend more time with his family?" We
can but hope...
Bill
O'Reilly
Speaking of Republicans putting their bigoted feet in their
mouths, here's Bill O'Reilly. O'Reilly is no stranger to making
racist comments - see Idiots 99 for
his "wetbacks" comment - and last week he dropped
another clanger. According
to Joe "Dead Intern" Scarborough on MSNBC, O'Reilly
was "emceeing a benefit for disadvantaged school children
in Washington, D.C., something that he should be commended
for. But apparently O’Reilly found himself filling time before
an African-American boy's group named 'The Best Men' were
to come on stage. And he said this to the entire audience,
quote, 'Does anyone know where The Best Men are? I hope they’re
not in the parking lot stealing our hubcaps.'" Whatever
the hell O'Reilly was thinking when he made this comment is
beyond us, but hey, at least he's demonstrated that from time
to time he actually can create a no-spin zone. Look
at me, everyone - no spin here - I really AM an ignorant racist
asshole!
Karl
Rove
Shadowy presidential adviser Karl Rove usually manages to
stay out of the spotlight enough to avoid making it onto the
list. But not this week. The New York Times recently
revealed
the Republicans' 2004 campaign plans for George W. Bush, and
apparently by staging the latest Republican National Convention
in history, Bush will be able to "begin his formal campaign
near the third anniversary of the Sept. 11 attacks and to
enhance his fund-raising advantage." Now forgive me,
but aren't these the same sick bastards who accuse those who
want to investigate 9/11 of "politicizing" the terrorist
attacks? And now they're not just holding the convention in
New York, they're actually announcing that they're
going to cynically use 9/11 for Bush's presidential campaign.
Absolutely sickening.
Karl
Rove (again)
But it looks like Turd Blossom's strategy may backfire in
more ways than one. According
to the Associated Press, "Unless Alabama's election law
is changed, there could be one notable candidate missing from
the state's 2004 presidential election ballot - President
Bush." Yup, it turns out that Alabama's deadline for
certifying presidential candidates is August 31 - two days
before the GOP will hold their convention to announce their
nominee. And now the Republicans are having to grovel to the
Democratically-controlled Alabama state legislature, asking
them to change the law so that their nominee can get on the
ballot. Wow - Republicans want to change the law to
give themselves a political advantage? How strange! Surely
they wouldn't want to do that? After all, the law is
the law, right? Amusingly, if the GOP doesn't manage to change
the rules to get their guy on the ballot then Dubya will have
to run as a write-in candidate. And since many of his voters
presumably have problems with writing, that could be a big
problem.
Richard
Anthony Delgaudio
Richard Anthony Delgaudio is a prominent Republican fundraiser
and president of the Legal Affairs Council, "a group
that helped pay the legal bills of former Reagan administration
officials Oliver L. North and Caspar W. Weinberger after they
were charged in connection with the Iran-contra affair,"
according
to the Baltimore Sun. And as of last week, he's also
a convicted child pornographer. Delgaudio took "lewd
photographs" of a 16-year-old girl he met in a Baltimore
park - some of the photographs showed him having sex with
the girl. He also allegedly had sex with and took photographs
of a 15-year-old. Delgaudio was sentenced to a mere two months
probation after crawling to the judge, saying that he didn't
know the girls' ages (police beg to differ) and promising
to donate $5,000 to "young mothers who are in distress and
in need." Incidentally, he was once quoted as saying that
Bill Clinton was "a lawbreaker and a terrible example to our
nation's young people." What an incontrovertible scumbag you
are, Mr. Delgaudio.
The
Bush Administration
As we can see, the Bush administration is doing a great job
finding all those weapons of mass destruction they claimed
were poised and ready to blow up, irradiate, infect, and poison
the United States. They're doing so well, in fact that they
recently snubbed
the UN's offer to help look for WMD. Ari Fleischer said last
week that the US has "taken on responsibility" for finding
any weapons, and that Hans Blix and the UN inspection team
can take a hike. Which is handy, because if they do
happen to "find" WMD, there won't be any meddling
independent observers to confirm exactly where they came from.
How convenient. By the way, does anyone else find it ironic
that the Bush administration is pleading for more time to
find any WMD? Funny - when it was the UN's job to find the
WMD, the Bush administration was standing next to them, looking
at their watches, and coughing loudly.
Bechtel
So who's going to cash in big time on the War in Iraq? The
Bechtel corporation for one, who won a government
contract to repair the damage we did over there. Of course
"won" isn't exactly correct, since bidding for the
contract was secret and limited to a handful of companies.
"Handed" might be a better word. Did we mention
that Jack Sheehan, a Bechtel senior vice president, also sits
on Donald Rumsfeld's Defense Policy Board? Or that earlier
this year Dubya appointed Riley Bechtel - Bechtel's chairman
- to the Export Council, which advises the president on international
trade matters? Or that George Shultz, secretary of state under
Ronald Reagan, is the former president of Bechtel? Well, it's
probably not important. So let's just get this straight: we
spend billions of taxpayer dollars blowing large holes in
Iraq, and then we give billions of taxpayer dollars to the
friends of the people who made the holes, to fix them. I'll
give you one guess who's getting screwed over in this deal,
friends.
The
Bush Administration (again)
Good news! It was reported
last week that the Energy Department said that "the United
States has regained the capability to make nuclear weapons
for the first time in 14 years and has restarted production
of plutonium parts for bombs." Well hoorah! Said Jon
Wolfsthal, deputy director of the Carnegie Endowment for International
Peace, "to the average U.S. citizen, it would be accurate
to say we have restarted the production of nuclear weapons."
Yippee! Now North Korea will be sure to take us seriously
when we tell them to stop making nukes. And in case you were
wondering, it costs about $6 billion a year to get this program
back up and running, which is 50 per cent more than we were
spending on nuclear weapons during the Cold War. That $6 billion
could buy an awful lot of schoolbooks. But then I guess when
it comes to the choice between leaving no child behind and
throwing sanity to the wind, it's Whoosh! Goodbye sanity!
Have a nice flight!
Lynn
English High School Administrators
Here's a fine way to teach the youth of today about the great
American values of freedom and liberty.
The head of the English Department at Lynn English High School
in Massachusetts recently approved an English teacher's request
to show Bowling for Columbine in class. Not so fast!
Administrators decided to prevent the teacher from showing
the Oscar-winning documentary because it contained anti-war
views. The ACLU of Massachusetts has condemned
the move, saying in a press release, "No reasonable pedagogical
purpose supports this censorship for students who can vote
or serve in the armed forces very soon." John Reinstein,
Legal Director of the ACLU of Massachusetts, said, "What
will come next? Think of all the famous literature that could
be viewed as expressing antiwar messages." Think All Quiet
on the Western Front, Red Badge of Courage, Slaughterhouse
Five, Johnny Got His Gun, Catch 22. Yup,
those high school administrators really know a thing or two
about educating the kids on freedom of speech and democracy:
if it disagrees with the official government line, we'll
censor it...
Jay
Garner
And finally, Jay Garner, the current King of Iraq, had some
words
of praise for our great leader last week. Referring to
Vietnam, Garner said, "If President Bush had been president,
we would have won." Uh-huh, okay. I think I see how this works:
if Dubya had been in charge at the battle of Little Big Horn,
he would have brought those Indians to justice. If Dubya been
in command at Pearl Harbor on December 7, 1941, he would have
the crushed the Japanese attack with a surprise ambush. And
if Dubya had been president on September 11, 2001, he would
have... oh, right. See you next week.
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