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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 137)
December
8, 2003
Fake Turkey Edition
 If
you like holiday turkeys, we've got ten of them right here.
The Turkey in Chief, George W. Bush (1), flew all the way
to Iraq for perhaps the most expensive photo op in history.
Meanwhile, Rush Limbaugh's (2) legal woes only seem to be
growing, Diebold (3) suddenly learns the meaning of the First
Amendment, and The White House (4) spins a colorful tale about
a phantom airplane. We've also got a homophobic elementary
school (5), a tongue-tied Defense Secretary (7), and a presidential
brother (10) with an improbable sex story. Enjoy, and don't
forget the key!
 George
W. Bush
Massive props to George W. Bush this week for visiting Iraq
on Thanksgiving. This exquisitely-planned publicity stunt
photo-op was meticulously carried out, from skipping out on
dinner at the pig farm under the noses of reporters, to George's
keen interest in staying
out of harm's way ("I was fully prepared to turn
this baby around, come home"), to prancing around with
an inedible
turkey in front of the cameras for two and a half hours
before, uh, flying home again. Through an amazing coincidence,
Bush also managed to upstage Senator Hillary Clinton's official
trip through Afghanistan
and Iraq,
where, unlike Our Great Leader, she didn't hide in a bubble,
spent considerably more than two and a half hours on the ground,
and met with soldiers, civilians, and members of Iraq's Governing
Council. Come to think of it, Bush's "visit" was
actually pretty lame. Not to mention the fact that if everything's
going so great in Iraq, why did he have to make the trip in
complete secrecy? Hmmm. It's okay though because despite the
quagmire in Iraq and the huge deficit caused by the billions
of dollars of taxpayer money we're currently throwing directly
into the pockets of his campaign contributors, Our Great Leader
has come up with an exciting new plan to brighten the nation's
mood - by returning
man to the moon. We're not entirely sure why he
wants to do this - does he think Saddam's weapons of mass
destruction are up there or something? Gonna find bin Laden
holed up in a crater eating moon cheese? Tell you what though,
to show his support for this massive endeavor perhaps George
could volunteer to be an experimental chimp during the testing
phase. That would be cool.
 Rush
Limbaugh
Things just keep getting worse and worse for the King of the
Dittomonkeys. Last week prosecutors obtained search warrants
which enabled them to seize Limbaugh's medical records because
they believe that he has been "doctor shopping."
According
to ABC News, "Doctor shopping refers to looking for
a doctor willing to prescribe drugs illegally, or getting
prescriptions for a single drug from more than one doctor
at the same time." Reading from a statement by his attorney
on his show last week, Rush defended himself saying, "What
these records show is that Mr. Limbaugh suffered extreme pain
and had legitimate reasons for taking pain medication." Okay,
let's talk for a moment about Rush Limbaugh and his back problem
shall we? I've brought this up before but I think it needs
to be reiterated: if Rush Limbaugh suffers "extreme pain"
brought on by this back condition, what the hell is he doing
playing in pro-celebrity golf tournaments like the American
Century Championship? In an interview
conducted during the tournament, Rush reveals how he can drive
the ball 240 yards, and that he's played in many other pro-celebrity
tournaments, including three appearances at the Bob Hope Classic
(here's a picture
of Rush in extreme pain - he's on the left) and one at the
AT&T
Pro-Am event. But apparently his "back problem"
isn't Rush's only excuse - heck no. Believe it or not, Mr.
Personal Responsibility is trying to place the blame squarely
at the feet of - you guessed it - liberals. From his statement:
"Unfortunately, because of Mr. Limbaugh's prominence and well-known
political opinions, he is being subjected to an invasion of
privacy no citizen of this republic should endure." Waaaaaah.
Look Rush, we'll always forgive you for having an addiction
- that's a tough road to walk. But you really need to start
cutting down on the lies and hypocrisy or even your fans might
figure out that you're full of shit. (Incidentally,
Rush sent his minions over to DU again last week. The last
time he mentioned us on his radio show, the influx of dittoheads
almost shut down the web server. This time they hardly registered
a blip. He must be losing his touch.)
 Diebold
So the company that is in control of so many of our votes
- the company whose CEO is "committed to helping Ohio deliver
its electoral votes to the President next year" (see Idiots
124) - has finally caved in its attempt to squash the
First Amendment rights of freedom-loving Americans. After
the Electronic Frontier Foundation threatened to sue, Diebold
retracted the threats it had made towards websites (including
Democratic Underground) and ISPs who were hosting, or even
merely linking to, the company's leaked memos. (The memos
are quite something, and detail a staggering degree of incompetence
at the company. You can read them here.)
In a letter
to the people it had threatened to sue, Diebold's president
announced that they were backing off and then went on to make
some pretty lame excuses for their behavior: "No company
- whether an ISP, a software developer, or any type of company
- wants its internal conversations openly broadcast, and I
am sure your internal business correspondence includes information
involving the unique capabilities and insights that you feel
are important to the successful operation of your company.
The correspondence between individuals within our company
often contains information concerning unique software, features
and capabilities that provide Diebold with a potential advantage
in a competitive marketplace." A potential advantage
in a competitive marketplace? Excuse me, these are our frickin'
votes you're talking about here. Damn straight we're
interested in what goes on behind the scenes at Diebold -
and if you won't allow that, you have no business determining
the outcome of public elections. In a related story, it was
reported
last week that Diebold's memos reveal that they would charge
the state of Maryland "up the yin-yang" if Maryland
wanted their voting machines to have the ability to keep a
voter-verified paper trail - thus making it prohibitively
expensive for the state to be able to double-check what Diebold
are up to. Gee, I feel so safe knowing that our democracy
rests in the hands of these scumbags.
 The
White House
It seems that a favorite hobby of this White House is making
things up, and Bush's 150-minute tiptoe through Baghdad International
Airport gave them the opportunity to do just that. According
to the Washington Post, communications director Dan
Bartlett described the intense secrecy surrounding the flight
thusly: "Air Force One had come within sight of a British
Airways flight over water. The British Airways pilot, Bartlett
said, radioed to ask, 'Did I just see Air Force One?,' and,
after a pause, the Air Force One pilot radioed back, 'Gulfstream
5.' After a long silence, Bartlett said, the British Airways
pilot seemed to realize he was in on a secret and said, 'Oh.'"
Isn't that an exciting story? Well it would be - if it had
actually
happened. The next day British Airways reported to Reuters
that none of their aircraft had contacted Air Force One during
its flight. So the White House had to change its story: apparently
the British Airways aircraft didn't contact Air Force One,
it contacted air traffic control in London. Case closed. Except...
that didn't actually happen either - British Airways and Britain's
National Air Traffic Services both denied this second version
of events. So the White House revised its story again,
this time claiming that "the aircraft inquiring about
Air Force One was, in fact, 'a non-UK operator,'" and
that "The presidential pilots thought the query 'was
coming from a pilot with a British accent, and so that's why
they had concluded that it was a British Airways plane.'"
Okay. And why is this such a big deal? Well, during a recent
White House press briefing, Scott McLellan was quick
to explain: "what we always try to do for you all
in the press corps is to provide you a little color of important
events, because we believe that's helpful to you for your
stories, and to do your reporting to the American people."
So there you have it, folks - finally, official proof that
they just make stuff up and try to pass it off as fact.
 Ernest
Gallet Elementary School
Hey kids, remember - it's good to tell lies. At least, that
seems to be the conservative moral of Marcus McLaurin's story.
Marcus - who is seven years old - got into trouble
at school when another child asked him about his mother and
father. Marcus explained that his mother is gay, and that
gay means "when a girl likes a girl." Marcus wasn't
lying - his mother is gay, she's divorced from Marcus's
father and they live with her partner. But for telling the
truth, he was scolded in front of his class, sent to the Principal's
office, barred from recess, and ordered to attend "behavior
clinic" where he was forced to write repeatedly, "I
will never use the word 'gay' in school again." Congratulations,
homophobic conservative wackos - you've outdone yourselves
this time. But it gets even
crazier - an assistant principal called Marcus's mother
to explain that he was in trouble, and told her that Marcus
had used "foul words" and that he "didn't feel comfortable"
using them over the phone. I mean, for crying out loud, what's
wrong
with these people?!? I guess the new method of preaching family
values to seven year olds is to ridicule them in front of
the class, tell them that their parents are evil, and make
them write a pledge to never, ever discuss their family in
school. Compassionate conservatism strikes again.
 Congressional
Republicans
Fresh from their victory over CBS in the battle to canonize
St. Ronnie of Reagan, Republicans are at it again. This time
the plan is to put The Gipper on the humble dime - replacing
Franklin Roosevelt. Around 80 Republicans lawmakers have apparently
signed on to this plan - a.k.a. "the dumbest and most
pointless plan since invading Iraq" - although they do
have a really great reason. Want to hear it? According
to Rep. Mark Souder, "It is particularly fitting to honor
the Freedom President on this particular piece of coinage
because, as has been pointed out, President Reagan was wounded
under the left arm by a bullet that had ricocheted and flattened
to the size of a dime." Well holy crap, it's a miracle! Gee
whiz, if it had flattened to the size of a nickel, I guess
we'd have to put Reagan's head on the nickel instead. I mean,
what the hell? Tell you what, why don't we all just tattoo
Reagan's image on our foreheads, and then we'll never be able
to look at another person without being reminded of all the
great things he did. You know, like covertly selling arms
to Iran in order to illegally fund the Contras, or training
Osama bin Laden to fight insurgent warfare, or cheerfully
turning a blind eye to Saddam Hussein's accumulation of WMD
ingredients... that sort of thing.
Donald
Rumsfeld
Exciting news - Donald Rumsfeld has won a prestigious
award! Yes, our Don is the proud recipient of the "Foot
in Mouth" award, given annually by Britain's Plain English
Campaign. The Rumster had to beat our some serious competition,
including Arnold Schwarzenegger and his infamous "gay
marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman"
comment. But the Secretary of Defense came out on top with
the year's most incomprehensible statement. Here it is in
all its glory: "We also know there are known unknowns;
that is to say we know there are some things we do not know.
But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know
we don't know." Brilliant!
House
Republicans
There's a new kind of game in Washington, and unfortunately
it's one that the Republicans have been playing behind our
backs for the last several years. Gone are the days of compromise
and reasonable bipartisanship - as soon as George W. Bush
walked through the door of the White House claiming that he
would be a "uniter, not a divider" and that he would
"change the tone" in Washington, Congressional Republicans
have done whatever it takes to shaft the Democrats at every
turn. And when I say whatever it takes, I mean whatever
it takes. Take the recent vote on the Medicare Bill, for example,
which eventually passed 220-215. I say "eventually"
because after the regulation 15 minutes, House Speaker Dennis
Hastert kept the vote open for a full three hours while
Republicans tried to round up enough votes to win. But that's
not the bad part. After the Republicans finally managed to
beat enough of their team into lockstep - uh, I mean, gently
persuade them to change their votes - it was alleged
by several media outlets that at least one Republican had
attempted to use bribery as a means of getting a congressman
to change his vote. Apparently an "undisclosed Republican"
told Rep. Nick Smith (R-Mich) that "business interests
would contribute $100,000 to help his son, Brad, succeed him"
as congressman after Smith steps down in 2004. (Smith's son
is running for the seat, and I'm sure $100,000 would be quite
useful.) Rep. Nick Smith did the honorable things and turned
down the offer - but the fact that it was made in the first
place speaks volumes about the party in charge right now.
Despicable.
An
Anonymous Dittohead
Conservatives must be so proud that this country is back on
the right track. Because now that Republicans control all
the branches of government, they can get back to doing what
they do best. Take this anonymous dittohead for example, who
- presumably inspired by Rush Limbaugh's suggestion that Donovan
McNabb is nothing but a product of that damn dirty liberal
media (see Idiots 129) - has taken
to sending threatening hate mail to black NFL players. According
to Reuters, the letters said that "African-Americans
should not be allowed to play professional football and earn
stacks of money." Although I have a feeling that they
might not have been quite that polite. Apparently the
letters were often signed as "All Whites" or "Angry
white women" - which is odd, since they should probably
be signed, "Jethro. PS. Thanks Rush for showing me that
it's acceptable to tell the TRUTH about black NFL players.
You're my hero."
 Neil
Bush
And finally, according
to recently-disclosed legal documents, Bush-brother Neil
admitted to "sex romps with women in Asia" as part
of a deposition taken during his divorce from Sharon Bush.
Well I never. But here's the funny part: apparently the women
"simply knocked on the door of his hotel room, entered
and engaged in sex with him. He said he did not know if they
were prostitutes because they never asked for money and he
did not pay them." Isn't that incredible? Women just
showed up at his door, he had sex with them, and then
they just left. What a stroke of luck! According to
the documents, Sharon Bush's lawyer was a little confused
by this: "Mr Bush, you have to admit it's a pretty remarkable
thing for a man just to go to a hotel room door and open it
and have a woman standing there and have sex with her." Neil's
response: "It was very unusual." Yes, almost a little too
unusual. Still, probably no point in asking too many questions
about these strange women who just show up at your door, have
sex with you, and then leave, eh Neil? There must be some
perfectly innocent explanation! See you next week...
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"
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