1. George W. Bush ...appearances on list: 105
There's never a dull moment when Dubya's around. In 100 editions of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots, Our Great Leader has managed a staggering 105 appearances. Impressive!

From Idiots 71: No doubt by now you have heard George W. Bush's "trifecta" joke. He's been going around telling people that he promised during the campaign that he would balance the federal budget, unless there was a war, recession, or national emergency. Then the punch line: "Lucky me, I hit the trifecta." (I guess the joke is funny if you're entertained by the idea of Muslim extremists crashing planes into the World Trade Center.) Anyway, some reporters got smart and asked when Bush actually made this promise on the campaign. The answer: never. But someone else did: Al Gore. "Barring an economic reversal, a national emergency, or a foreign crisis, we should balance the budget this year, next year, and every year," Gore said on various occasions. Kinda makes you wonder what the world would be like if we actually had a real president.

12. Bill O'Reilly ...appearances on list: 10
Bill O'Reilly. Who could forget the Fox News "independent thinker's" interview with Jeremy Glick, the son of a World Trade Center victim, which ended with O'Reilly yelling at Glick to "shut up, just shut up?" Not us!

From Idiots 47: Bill O'Reilly likes to tell his viewers that his television program is a "no-spin zone." It seems that he could also be calling it a "frequent-lapses-into-outright-lying zone." Last week, CNN's Bill Press exposed this egotistical blowhard for the lying fraud that he is. Press writes that after he appeared on "The O'Reilly Factor," O'Reilly was trumpeting what a fair guy he was because he let Bill Press, a liberal, on his show, but "you wouldn't see me on CNN." It seems that O'Lie-ly would have us believe that liberal CNN is afraid to have him as a guest. If only it were true. Says Press: "Last Spring, during a debate on the Don Imus show, my co-host Tucker Carlson invited O'Reilly to be a guest on CNN's 'The Spin Room.' He agreed. Then he ducked multiple requests and never showed." Caution: You are about to enter a no-spine zone.

24. CNN ...appearances on list: 6
Why go to Fox News when you can get all the conservative hypocrisy and Bush brown-nosing you need from CNN? Scrambling for viewers, the once-proud network has finally opted for the billy-bob contingent.

From Idiots 50: A comedy blunder of epic proportions gets CNN on the list this week. After stealing Paula Zahn away from Fox News, one would assume that CNN would go to great lengths to play up the journalistic skills and professionalism of their new employee. After all, Paula Zahn is a respected newswoman with years of experience. Which is why CNN were forced to yank a promo for Zahn's morning show which went as follows: "Where can you find a morning news anchor who's provocative, super-smart, oh yeah, and just a little sexy?" This delightful advertisement for quality journalism was accompanied by what appeared to many to be the sound of a zipper being unzipped (although CNN claimed it was the sound of a needle scratching across a record.) The promo ran about ten times over the weekend before embarrassed execs had it pulled. What next? Are we going to see more of these? "Wolf Blitzer: intelligent, well-informed, and ladies, he's got a beard you can really hang on to." Or maybe, "Robert Novak: he's brusque, he's bold, he'll take you roughly from behind." Or perhaps they'll just go with the simple but effective, "Daryn Kagan: PHWOOAR!!".

34. Jerry Falwell ...appearances on list: 5
Jerry's always good for a laugh - that is, when he's not spreading dangerous bigotry and preaching hypocritical religious fundamentalism. A first-class conservative idiot, there will always be a place on the list for the "Reverend" Falwell.

From Idiots 86: The nutty reverend is at it again, continuing his post-9/11 Christian Crusade of Bigotry™ against Arabs, homosexuals, liberals, and other threats to decent society. This week's Falwellian boogeyman: The Prophet Muhammed. On the CBS newsmagazine "Sixty Minutes," he said that "Muhammed was a terrorist." Having no doubt immersed himself in the study of Islam, Jerry explained that Muhammed was "a man of war," which makes him a terrorist. Hmmm. I'm guessing that Reverend Falwell doesn't have a similar opinion of a certain other "man of war" currently sitting in the White House.

44. Roy Moore ...appearances on list: 5
Chief Justice Roy Moore is our favorite conservative judicial nutjob, and his quest to keep a gargantuan Ten Commandments monolith in his courtroom is the stuff of Top Ten legend. So we were sorry when we heard the news that he'd been forced to get rid of the thing. Poor fellow.

From Idiots 92: Poor Justice Roy Moore. No stranger to the Top Ten Conservative Idiots (see Idiots passim) the ultra-conservative judicial nutjob last week lost the battle to keep his 5,300-pound granite Ten Commandments monument in Alabama's judicial building. U.S. District Judge Myron Thompson said that Moore's monument violates the constitution's ban on government promotion of religion, and he was given thirty days to remove it. Immediately following the decision, a disappointed Moore left the courtroom and announced that since he now didn't have a big stone to tell him not to, he would spend the next couple of days coveting his neighbor's ass.

52. George H. W. Bush ...appearances on list: 3
Like son, like father... and while George Bush Sr.'s appearances haven't been as prolific as his son's, he has still made a very valuable and worthwhile contribution to the realm of conservative idiocy.

From Idiots 38: Did you know that the President's dad works for the bin Laden family business? It's true - The New York Times reported back in March that ex-President Bush was touring Saudi Arabia on behalf of the Carlyle Group, using his political contacts to further his business interests. Interestingly, according to Judicial Watch, the bin Laden family has a substantial investment in the Carlyle Group, and have met with George Bush Sr. on several occasions. The tough part for Poppy is that the bin Laden family are currently under investigation following the September 11 attacks - the FBI recently subpoenaed their bank records to find out whether they're funding Osama or not. So considering this obviously massive conflict of interest, will Poppy resign from his position at Carlyle? Don't bet on it. Since when does international terrorism get in the way of making a fat profit?

72. FreeRepublic.com ...appearances on list: 2
Ah, the venerable Free Republic. Home to God-fearing, gun-toting, furriner-hating patriots everywhere. Incidentally, for all you conservatives who still think that FR doesn't ban liberals, try going over there and posting "Bill Clinton was the greatest president ever." Go on, it'll be fun!

From Idiots 90: Get your laughing gear ready because this one's a hoot! In protest of the massive anti-war demonstrations in Washington DC on October 26, the Washington DC chapter of Free Republic decided to hold an anti-anti-war rally. And while an estimated 200,000 people marched around the White House, about 14 people showed up to listen to the insane rantings of a few toothless inbreds. The Freepers spent the afternoon pontificating on such fascinating topics as, um, Why Iraq Is A Communist Country (?) and, er, Why Guns Are Great (??) and, uh, Those Marxists Killed My Grandfather! (???). And let's not forget their rallying cry: "Stay away from the left wing! They have a tendency to be violent!" But the best part was that the whole thing was broadcast and rebroadcast on CSPAN, which gave the entire country an opportunity to see how ridiculous they looked. And in case you missed it, this photo is for you:

83. Michael Skupkin ...appearances on list: 2
He didn't win Survivor, and he didn't win a senate seat in Michigan. Cheer up Michael, there's always Celebrity Mole 2...

From Idiots 23: We learned last week that the Michigan GOP is so desperate to defeat U.S. Senator Carl Levin that they're considering running ex-gameshow contestant and celebrity pig-murderer Michel Skupkin as their candidate in 2002. For those of you who missed "Survivor 2," Skupkin is the man who became nationally famous for catching and slaughtering a "wild" boar with his bare hands, before painting his face with its blood. Still, Skupkin almost managed to win "Survivor 2" with a fabulous combination of lying, plotting, backstabbing and sabotage - so he should fit in nicely with the Republican Party.

100. Utah Republicans ...appearances on list: 2
And finally, you can't beat a Utah Republican - it's conservatism the way God intended. From homophobia to gun-control paranoia to the fear that blue-helmeted UN troops may descend upon your town at any second, Utah Republicans have it all.

From Idiots 34: YEEHAW! Cue dueling banjos! After reluctantly allowing Dick Cheney to temporarily pry the guns from their, um, warm, still alive fingers (see Idiots 32), the Utah State GOP was back in fine form last week, passing an "American Sovereignty Resolution" against UN mandates at their state conference. It seems that Utah Republicans are becoming increasingly worried about the UN creating "world wide taxes," and a "global army" (which would, undoubtedly, sneak into their homes while they're sleeping and take their guns away.) So anyway, this new resolution ought to put a stop to THAT. Hear that UN? Don' t mess with the Utah GOP, or they'll truss you like a turkey and roger you senseless. Goldangit.