The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 101)
March 3, 2003
 Radioactive Rumsfeld Edition

Greetings! We're back to normal after our Top 100 Conservative Idiots Special last week, and the conservatives have been literally lining up to get on the list this week. Top of the chart is fresh face Donald Rumsfeld, who's been getting a bit close to some activities that he probably shouldn't have been. Elsewhere, Neal Rowland (2) hates the French, Dearborn School Officials (3) hate T-shirts and George F. Will (4) um, hates the French. Meanwhile Michael Powell (8) is helping out those poor, unfortunate mega-corporations, John Ashcroft (9) is too busy busting potheads to worry about national security, and George W. Bush (10) is making stuff up about himself again. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

1Donald Rumsfeld helping the terrorists helping the terrorists helping the terrorists
My my, Donald Rumsfeld has a lot of sticky fingers in a lot of sticky pies. The current Secretary of Defense is already famous for some of his previous work, like when he was buddies with Saddam Hussein back in the 80s and Reagan and Bush Sr. sold Iraq arms and turned a blind eye to their stockpiles of chemical weapons. And now it has been revealed that Donald is not just chums with one member of the Axis of Evil, but with two! That's right - when technology giant ABB won a deal to supply North Korea with two nuclear power plants in 2000, guess who was on the Board of Directors? You guessed right - Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld! It's okay though, a Pentagon spokesperson recently told Newsweek that Rumsfeld "does not recall" what when on. Well, that's alright then. Ironically, Donald was on record recently calling North Korea a "terrorist state." Probably shouldn't have sold them nuclear reactors then, eh?

2Neal Rowland dumb dumb warmongering
When does patriotism cross the line into pure, unbridled insanity? Right now! Neal Rowland, the owner of Cubbie's diner in Beaufort, North Carolina, is such a xenophobic moron - sorry, I mean, great American patriot - that he has renamed his french fries "freedom fries." Get it? He doesn't like the French! But that's okay, now his patrons can clog their arteries and pile on the pounds with a large helping of pure, fresh freedom. Oh baby, I've got freedom in my veins! There it goes, squeezing past the cholesterol. Next week: Neal doesn't like cooking his fries in "Greece" and decides that Cubbie's should only serves freedom fries made with 100% liberation oil. He also raises the price of a Turkey sandwich to $25 billion. Would you like a side of love-it-or-leave-it coleslaw with that?

3Dearborn School Officials dumb unconstitutional
And the bandwagon to curtail dissenting opinions and freedom of speech rolls on... In Dearborn, Michigan, a student was recently ordered by school officials to remove his T-shirt or go home. The T-shirt's slogan - "International Terrorist," with a picture of George W. Bush - was obviously a bit too un-American for the officials to handle. Oddly though, their official reason for having the student remove the shirt was that "they worried it would inflame passions at the school where a majority of students are Arab-American," according to CNN. Um, inflame how exactly? Like, some dude turns up wearing a T-shirt and the next thing you know there's a horde of Arab students looting the school and burning the Stars and Stripes and effigies of Our Great Leader? I had no idea T-shirts could be so influential. Since they obviously are though, couldn't the school officals have countered the problem by simply all showing up wearing T-shirts that say "Be Nice To Each Other?" Makes sense to me! By the way, if you're looking to get your hands on an "International Terrorist" T-shirt, look no further.

4George F. Will warmongering warmongering
Speaking of xenophobic morons, there are more than a few right-wingnuts dropping a load on the topic of France right now. Take George F. Will for example, who wrote in a recent Newsweek column, "How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris? No one knows, it's never been tried." Guffaw. Fortunately Molly Ivins was able to set the record straight: "One million, four hundred thousand French soldiers were killed during World War I. As a result, there weren't many Frenchmen left to fight in World War II. Nevertheless, 100,000 French soldiers lost their lives trying to stop Hitler... They were out-manned, out-gunned, out-generaled and, above all, out-tanked. They got slaughtered, but they stood and they fought." Come on, Molly, that's ridiculous - everyone knows that the French surrender at the drop of a hat. Always have, always will. If George Will says so, it must be true!

5Lana Oleen booze arrest
They drink, they drive, they drink and drink and drive, drink drink drink, drive drive drive... they're Republican lawmakers, and Lana Oleen is the latest to follow in the footsteps of Our Great Leader And His Great Example. Lana Oleen is Majority Leader of the Kansas Senate, and she was pulled over recently for "driving slowly and not staying in one lane" according to the Associated Press. Oleen then promptly failed a sobriety test and Breathalyzer test. The sad part of the story is that apparently Oleen's DUI was caused by nothing more than a desire to emulate her heroes Dick Cheney and George W. Bush, both champion drink-drivers. It's such a shame to see her patriotism so cruelly thwarted. Hey - perhaps they should rename drink-driving, "freedom driving." What do you think?!

6John Bates and an "Unidentifed Lawmaker" cowardice quid pro quo
U.S. Comptroller General David Walker last week denied that he dropped the GAO's energy policy lawsuit against Dick Cheney because of Republican threats, but then admitted that... he was threatened. Walker said that last year he had received a "thinly-veiled threat" from an unidentified lawmaker who suggested that if the lawsuit proceeded, the GAO's budget would be cut. Ah, the GOP. Party of law and order, honor and integrity. Walker also complained that U.S. District Judge John Bates had "made up" some facts in his ruling, which is not surprising since Bates was appointed by George W. Bush, he donated to $1000 to Bush's election campaign, and he was one of Ken Starr's deputies during the Great Republican Cock Hunt. Heck, what's a little making up of facts among friends?

7Anyone Boycotting French Products booze cheese
One final word on the topic of France - it seems there's been a lot of talk lately about boycotting French products because of France's clearly ridiculous decision to not blindly stumble after the US into a pre-emptive war on Iraq. The trend even hit Washington, with conservatives like Rep. Jim Saxton of New Jersey suggesting we boycott the Paris Air Show (see Idiots 98) and other lawmakers encouraging a boycott of French products. And it's not just products - radio talk show host Steve Gill was encouraging his dittohead fans to assist him in "bashing a Peugeot for peace" last week at his "Stand Up For America Rally." So I have just one question to ask all these boycotters: why aren't you boycotting Iraqi oil? I mean, we do still import that, you know. It goes into your car when you fill up your gas tank. Or what, is France the real enemy here? Like, if France just got out of the way then all that sweet Iraqi oil would be ours anyway and we wouldn't have to boycott it? I think I'm starting to understand...

8Michael Powell nepotism screwing the poor
Guess those massive media conglomerates just can't catch a break, which is why they've asked the FCC to step in. Poor, downtrodden companies like Viacom think that a rule which prevents any company from controlling television stations that, together, can reach more than 35 percent of U.S. households, is just downright mean, unfair, and worse still, anti-capitalist. Never mind the fact that having about three people (friends of George W., of course) in charge of the entire country's media is probably not a good thing. But that's okay because here comes the FCC to the rescue, ever-ready to defend the right of the giant corporation against that miniscule dragon known as "the public interest." Step forward Michael "Yes, I Am The Son Of Colin" Powell to declare that if the commission can't justify a media ownership restriction, "the rule will go away." And since the only arguments against getting rid of the rule will be piddling things like the people's right to fair and balanced news, then soon we'll all be watching Rupert Murdoch 24/7. Marvellous.

9 John Ashcroft dumb drugs
Nice to see that John Ashcroft is once again getting his priorities in order when it comes to fighting the war on terrorism. Last week the Crisco Kid decided that it would be a good idea to use federal resources to bust up a bunch of drug paraphernalia websites across the country. "Operation Pipe Dreams," (sounds like you've been on the crack pipe Johnny!) resulted in the arrest of 55 bong-producers nationwide, thus slightly reducing the ability of the nation to get high. Just out of interest, I wonder how many tons of Afghan heroin (or Anthrax for that matter) arrived in the US while the DEA were busy busting Deadheads for pot? One note of interest from the ABC report: "People selling drug paraphernalia are in essence no different than drug dealers," said John Brown, acting DEA chief. "They are as much a part of drug trafficking as silencers are a part of criminal homicide." Is he talking about silencers that go on guns? If so, is he suggesting that guns are responsible in part for criminal homicide? Better not let Ashcroft hear you say that, Mr. Brown.

10George W. Bush lying
And finally, Dubya sneaks into last place this week with a fabulous leap of the imagination. During a speech last week, he cited a new Blue Chip survey which predicts 3.3% growth in GDP for 2003. He went on to explain that his insane tax cut plan "makes sense when analyzed by the economists behind the Blue Chip forecasts." Oh dear. According to the Associated Press, "Blue Chip's editor, Randell Moore, says it's his impression that most of the 53 economists who contribute their forecasts to the newsletter 'thought some package would be passed.' But that doesn't mean they were counting on any particular stimulus measures - and they certainly didn't endorse the President's plan... In the most recent Blue Chip report, the Bush package isn't even mentioned." Still, it's more fodder for the right-wing shouting heads, isn't it? Whether it's the truth or not makes little difference. See you next week!