The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 106)
April 21, 2003
You Cannot Be Syrious Edition

Our Great Leader started quietly waggling his massive penis extension - I mean, the U.S. military - again last week, earning him the number one spot. Meanwhile Pat Robertson (2) has been backing Dubya up with some pertinent info on the Rapture, and the Pentagon (3) has let the horse out after blowing off the barn doors. Elsewhere, Rush Limbaugh (5) force-feeds us another helping of rank conservative hypocrisy, various evangelists (6 & 7) are spreading the good word in Iraq, and Dale Petroskey (8) steps up to the plate and takes a swing at Tim Robbins. Enjoy, and as usual, here's the key.

George W. Bush
All hail Our Great Conquering Leader. Now that Dubya has officially declared victory in Iraq (despite not finding any weapons of mass destruction, not finding Saddam Hussein, and leaving the place on the brink of a humanitarian disaster - good job) he's looking for someone else to rattle his saber at. And our next victim appears to be Syria - not officially a member of the Axis of Evil, but close enough. Once again there's been some typically stellar Bush diplomacy over the last week or so. According to the Associated Press, Bush has struck a "measured tone" and been "careful not to threaten military action." "We expect cooperation, and I'm hopeful we'll receive cooperation," he told reporters last week. Or what, George? We'll bite off their heads and crap down their necks? So if you're looking for weapons of mass destruction or Saddam Hussein, forget Iraq - Syria is the place to be. And presumably if we don't find any sarin gas or mustachioed ex-dictators, we'll suddenly be "liberating the Syrian people." I'm sure they'll be thrilled.

Pat Robertson
But if you think that a mad hunt for so-far-invisible weapons and pathetic fat evil guys with penchants for shooting rifles in the air while wearing trilbies is a bad reason for invading various Arab countries, then Pat Robertson has another persuasive argument for you. It seems that Pat has discovered a "cryptic" bible verse in the Book of Isaiah: "In that day there will be a highway from Egypt to Assyria. The Assyrians will go to Egypt and the Egyptians to Assyria. The Egyptians and Assyrians will worship together. In that day, Israel will be the third, along with Egypt and Assyria, a blessing on the earth. The Lord Almighty will bless them saying, 'Blessed be Egypt my people, Assyria my handiwork, and Israel my inheritance.'" So what are we to make of all this to-ing and fro-ing of Egyptians and Assyrians? Well according to Pat, who was also kind enough to provide maps, it means that we need to bomb the pants off of Syria. And why is that? Because, silly, Pat reckons that it'll bring us closer to the "end days." Oh, well - that's... great! Uh...?

The Pentagon
In the rush to conquer Iraq the Pentagon overlooked (or just plain ignored) the warnings of scholars who predicted that Iraq's national treasures would be in grave danger. Their predictions proved to be true as lawlessness broke out in Baghdad and Iraqi citizens looted the National Museum of Antiquities, smashing or stealing "thousands of artifacts dating from the founding of ancient Sumer around 3,500 B.C. to the end of Islam's Abbasid Caliphate in 1258 A.D.," according to the Washington Post. Don Rumsfeld didn't seem particularly concerned: "Bad things happen in life," sympathized the Secretary of Defense. Meanwhile Amnesty International has noted that the U.S. military seems to be doing a better job of protecting Iraq's oilfields than protecting its hospitals, water systems, and of course civilians. So when surviving Iraqi citizens look around in a few months, they'll know that despite losing their homes, their infrastructure, and their heritage, at least the U.S. has managed to successfully steal their oil.

Even the most dishonest conservative (yes, I know it boggles the mind to think about it) would have to agree that Fox News puts a decidedly conservative slant on its coverage. Fox's claim to be fair and balanced was effectively destroyed during the recent war, when they sounded more like our version of Iraqi State Television. Fox referred to peace protesters as "the great unwashed," told people who were against the war that, "You were sickening then, you are sickening now," and made references to the "dopey old UN." Unfortunately, as more and more Americans tune into Fox and turn off their brains, the New York Times has noted that the "Fox Effect" is rubbing off on the other cable news networks. Michael Savage and Joe "Dead Intern" Scarborough turned up the heat last week on MSNBC, saying that protesters are "absolutely committing sedition, or treason," and that "These leftist stooges for anti-American causes are always given a free pass." Don't worry boys, I'm sure George W. Bush will soon figure out some way to have them all put in prison camps. For more on Fox and friends' redefinition of patriotism as "Do What The Government Says Or Go To Hell," check out this excellent Media Watch video: high-band | low-band

Rush Limbaugh
Useless Rush seems to have taken it upon himself to lead the recent wave of anti-war celebrity-bashing. Does it seem a little ironic to anyone else that he should be going around saying that entertainers shouldn't have an opinion? Anyway, Limpballs was on the radio last week decrying Tim Robbins' recent anti-war statements - Robbins pointed out that it's a tad hypocritical for conservative pundits to complain about anti-war celebrities' opinions of Bush, when those same pundits bashed Bill Clinton day in and day out during the war in Kosovo. Limbaugh pompously dismissed Robbins' comments, announcing that "These are the people that are spewing the invective at George Bush. These are the people comparing Bush to Hitler." How sanctimonious can you get? Perhaps Rush shouldn't be reminded of a question he asked four times in a row on his April 5, 1999, show - incidentally, while we were at war: "Who else bombed Belgrade on Easter Sunday besides Bill Clinton?" The answer is, of course, Adolf Hitler. Not that he was comparing Clinton to Hitler or anything. Just for the record, in a recent speech Robbins summed up his thoughts on Kosovo: "I remember when the Columbine High School shootings happened. President Clinton criticized Hollywood for contributing to this terrible tragedy - this, as we were dropping bombs over Kosovo. Could the violent actions of our leaders contribute somewhat to the violent fantasies of our teenagers?" Hmm, sounds pretty consistent - a concept which is obviously foreign to Rush Limbaugh.

Evangelists
So it looks like Anne Coulter is quite the prophet. Her infamous statement that "We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity" may be coming to pass. It was revealed last week that some Christian relief agencies preparing to enter Iraq have announced that along with food and medicine, they intend to pass out a healthy dose of Christian evangelism. This worries many Muslims and Christians who fear that the idea of such a "crusade" will simply add to growing resentment of America in the Muslim world. The White House has washed its hands of the matter, saying it has no control over private groups. Funny, its done a pretty damn good job telling the media what and what not to report over the last month. So heck, who cares if we can't find Saddam? We're invading their countries and converting them to Christianity, and two out of three ain't bad.

Franklin Graham
While we're on the subject of crusades, what on earth was the Bush administration doing asking Rev. Franklin Graham to deliver a Good Friday message at the Pentagon last week? Graham, son of the Rev. Billy, was initially sympathetic towards Muslims in the wake of September 11th (we shouldn't paint Muslims with a "broad brush," etc.) - but changed his mind shortly after, calling Islam "a very evil and wicked religion." George W. Bush initially distanced himself from the remarks, but obviously not far enough to want to uninvite him from speaking at a government event. And how this will help Iraqis and other Muslims to believe the U.S. when we say this is not a war against Islam? Danged if we know. Oh, and by the way, Franklin Graham's charity is one of the groups mentioned in the item above this one...

Dale Petroskey
Looks like Rush Limbaugh isn't the only person to have been rubbed the wrong way by Tim Robbins. Dale Petroskey, president of the Baseball Hall of Fame, recently canceled a 15th-anniversary celebration of the movie "Bull Durham" because of the anti-war stance of two of its stars, Robbins and his wife Susan Sarandon. In a letter to the couple, Petroskey wrote, "We believe your very public criticism of President Bush at this important - and sensitive - time in our nation's history helps undermine the U.S. position, which ultimately could put our troops in even more danger. As an institution, we stand behind our president and our troops in this conflict." Poor Dale sounds a little confused. But there's a twist to the story, as reported by Buzzflash - did Marvin Bush have a hand in Petroskey's decision? Coincidentally the two are close personal friends. Not only that, but Petroskey - and other members of the board - have close ties to the Bush and Reagan administrations. But surely that couldn't have had anything to do with this bizarre decision to blacklist Robbins and Sarandon, now could it?

John Howard
Good old John Howard. Bursting with glee at the success of coalition troops in Iraq, the Australian Prime Minister declared last week that the invasion "has made the world a little safer from terrorism." Of course it has, John, of course it has. I mean, it's not like the entire Muslim world is now united in its distrust and resentment of the West, is it? And it's not like fanatics such as Osama bin Laden can use this distrust and resentment to recruit more terrorists, is it? And okay, we didn't solve the Israel/Palestine conflict, but we're sure scaring the shit out of Syria. And you've got to admit that the way coalition forces rolled over the Iraqi military showed just what a clear and present danger Iraq was to the world. Hoo boy, I'm glad we didn't give those weapons inspectors another 30 days. Yes, I'd say that in the wake of the war on Iraq, the world is a much safer, friendlier and happier place. Now if you'll excuse me, I think they just raised the terror threat level again so I have to go duct tape my windows.

The Conservative Club For Growth
And finally, the Conservative Club for Growth is lashing out at moderate GOP senators Olympia Snowe and George Voinovich because they refused to rubber-stamp Bush's lastest and insanest $726 billion tax cut. In a TV ad which will run for ten days in Maine and Ohio, the Club says that the two senators "stand in the way" of the Bush agenda. Boo hoo. But here's the stupid part - the ad features video of the senators' images, with digitally inserted French flags flying in the background. Brilliant. These two senators are hampering Our Great Leader's Great Economic Toilet Flush, how dare they! And look - they're standing next to French flags! Kill! Burn! Destroy! Unfortunately the Conservative Club for Growth has overlooked the fact that Maine, at least, has a large population of French Canadian descendants who presumably don't have much of a problem with the French flag. Whoops! See you next week...

PS: We would like to extend our apologies to Neal Boortz for failing to indulge his masturbatory fantasy by not including him on the list this week. Sorry Neal, we just don't have enough space for the small-timers.