The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 121)
August 11, 2003
Political Action Figures Edition

As if there was any doubt before, the California recall election is now, officially, a circus. Among the declared candidates are a former child star, a pornographer, a Groping Austrian Beefcake, and a whole bunch of conservative idiots. First on this week's Top Ten is Arnold Schwarzenegger, whom the media has crowned front-runner in California, presumably because... well... they just kinda decided that he would be the guy. Darrell Issa (2) the moneybags behind the recall, has also become it's first casualty. And Rush, Hannity, et al (3) have suddenly embraced the idea of Hollywood superstars getting involved in politics. Blue Box International (4) and Ebay (5) have gone Dubya-crazy. And the state of Wisconsin is well represented this week, with the 9 and 10 spots. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Running Man in Total Recall shocker! Hasta la vista, Gray Davis! GAAAAH! And I have to put up with two more months of this? The movie puns, oh the agonizing movie puns. Yes, Californians are now faced with the very real possibility that the Groping Austrian Beefcake is going to become Governor Groping Austrian Beefcake after the special recall election takes place on October 7th. Arnold is of course the front-runner in this election simply because he's a man-mountain with an incomprehensible accent and a talent for impersonating robots - which will obviously go a long way towards fixing California's energy crisis and budget deficit. But seriously, folks, does anyone actually know what the guy's policies are? I mean, the ability to spout off "I'll be back (wink)" on cue is obviously endearing, but does Arnold have any thoughts about how to solve California's problems? I guess it doesn't matter to the millions of Californians who, clearly hypnotized by a media struggling to get a sniff of Schwarzenegger's butt cheeks, are planning on voting for the dude because he's, well, The Terminator. Policies? That's for politicians, man. Bring on a dude who fights killer androids from the future. Let's face it, Jesse "Ain't Got Time To Bleed" Ventura already set high standards for actors from the movie Predator - personally I'm hoping to see Carl Weathers declare his intention to run for president this fall. So will Arnold Jingle All The Way to the Governor's mansion? [That's it, you're fired - Ed.]

Darrell Issa
What the hell is wrong with Darrell Issa? Apart from his thirst for stolen cars, that is (see Idiots 116). I mean, the guy spends millions of dollars of his own money throwing the state of California into a huge special election fiasco, and then drops out when the race gets too hot? What a wuss. The morning after Schwarzenegger's announcement, Issa called a press conference and cried like a little girl as he announced that he would not be running for governor after all - he even tried to pretend that he never really wanted to be governor in the first place, saying "It was about higher obligation." Nonsense. Issa is just terrified that he'll be thrashed like a disobedient monkey by Hasta La Vista Boy. Let's face it, even Gary Coleman is going to get more votes than Darrell Issa would have, and Coleman is most recently famous for being a washed-up child actor slash miniature security guard. Meanwhile, Bob Mulholland, spokesman for the California Democratic Party, was out and about labeling Issa as "the arsonist who fled the scene of the fire." An apt description, and we're sorry to report that Darrell's tears aren't going to be enough to put that fire out. Although they certainly make him look like a big loser, which ought to cheer everyone up a bit.

Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, et al
You know, I could have sworn that just a few months ago Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, and the rest of the shouting-right-wing-talk-radio-maniacs were telling me how dumb I must be to think that celebrities had any place in politics. The wingnuts proclaimed at maximum volume that celebrities who disagreed with the invasion of Iraq were un-American, and had no place speaking their minds in public. How dare they? Dang stupid celebrities! So I guess I find it somewhat ironic that those very same shouting-right-wing-talk-radio-maniacs are now falling over each other to gush about what a great governor Arnold Schwarzenegger would be, despite the fact that he has no policies other than "Uhhhh, California needs more jobs," and, "I'll be back (wink)." I mean, speaking out against the invasion of Iraq was one thing, but running the world's fourth largest economy is an entirely different kettle of haddock. So how can Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, et al, possibly give Schwarzenegger such glowing praise without gagging on their own hypocrisy? Simple: they have absolutely no shame whatsoever, and their audience is too stupid to notice.

Blue Box International
Get your buckets ready folks, because this is going to be a puke-fest! Last week, KB Toys started selling Blue Box International's latest creation, the gag-inducing Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush - U.S. President and Naval Aviator 12" Action Figure. The figure comes complete with "authentic gear" and according to the blurb on KB Toys website (get those buckets ready) "this limited-edition action figure is a meticulous 1:6 scale recreation of the Commander-in-Chief's appearance during his historic Aircraft Carrier landing. On May 1, 2003, President Bush landed on the USS Abraham Lincoln (CVN-72) in the Pacific Ocean, and officially declared the end to major combat in Iraq. While at the controls of an S-3B Viking aircraft from the 'Blue Sea Wolves' of Sea Control Squadron Three Five (VS-35), designated 'Navy 1,' he overflew the carrier before handing it over to the pilot for landing. Attired in full naval aviator flight equipment, the President then took the salute on the deck of the carrier." Urgh, my stomach. Interestingly Blue Box International seem to have failed to accurately model George W. Bush's embarrassing swollen balls problem, and have instead elected to minimize the crotch area to such a degree that Bush now looks like a flying eunuch. We can't wait for Blue Box's next authentic and historically accurate figure, Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush - Draft Dodger and AWOL Coke Snorter 12" Action Figure, complete with a 1:6 scale letter from George H.W. Bush to the commander of the Texas Air National Guard, fully detailed civilian clothing (including sun visor), and an authentic empty urine sample bottle.

Ebay
While KB Toys is selling heroic action figures of the chickenhawk-in-chief, Ebay is disallowing sales of some products critical of the Bush Administration. Canadian artist John Steins tried to use the popular auction site to sell his artwork, a parody of the "most wanted" deck of cards from the Iraq War. The hand printed lino-cut prints, titled "Axis of Weasels" featured portraits of prominent Bush Administration figures, including Dubya (ace of spades), Donald Rumsfeld (queen of spades), Ari Fleischer (jack of spades), on down to Dick Cheney (two of spades). After receiving a number of complaints from "pro-Bush Americans," Ebay ordered the products removed from the site. According to Steins' website, thebushadministration.com, Ebay eventually backed down. But this should have never happened in the first place. If Stein had been selling Klan paraphernalia or penis enlargement pills he'd be fine, but since he was critical of the Boy King, he got the boot.

Ann Coulter
Two weeks ago Ann Coulter's piece of trash Treason was No.6 on the New York Times bestseller list - just a few short, sad places below Hillary Clinton's memoir Living History which held the No.2 spot. Last week Treason shot up three places to No.3 - still, sadly, one short of Living History. But clearly thousands of Coulter fans are flocking to bookstores to buy their idol's latest work... or are they? If you take a look at the bestseller list, you'll notice that there is a little tiny "+" next to Treason. And what does that mean? Well, according to the small print at the bottom of the page, "A dagger (+) indicates that some bookstores report receiving bulk orders." And look at that - Coulter's book is the only one on the list with a dagger next to it! How mysterious. Surely some fat cat conservative isn't placing multiple orders on Ann's books to shore up her sales totals and boost her to the top of the list? It can't be true - why, that would be thoroughly devious and underhanded, and we all know that conservatives are simply full to bursting with honesty and integrity.

Judge Thomas Ragno
Maybe Judge Thomas Ragno is try to out-conservative Roy Moore for a shot at the Supreme Court (see Idiots 120) - it certainly seems that way. Ragno, a Boston immigration judge, was suspended last week after making "jokes about Tarzan to a woman who said she had been raped and tortured in her native Uganda," according to the Boston Globe. ''Jane, come here. Me Tarzan!'' Ragno apparently said to the woman at her deportation hearing. He also allegedly "dialed the weather number on his speaker phone so that he could listen to the forecast and talked in open court about looking for a condominium," before denying the woman's bid for asylum. Granted, Ragno has been a judge for 30 years, so it's possible that his brain is starting to melt. But as the woman's doctor put it, "It was disrespectful and insulting, and in my mind it was racist to have a white judge making Tarzan comments to a black woman." In anyone's mind, I think. Well, anyone except Judge Thomas Ragno.

Halliburton
Thank goodness Dick Cheney's former company Halliburton is being paid millions of taxpayer dollars for their role in Iraq right now. It would be even better if they actually showed up to do any work. Last fall the Army hired Halliburton subsidiary Kellogg Brown & Root to "draw up a plan for supporting U.S. troops in Iraq, covering everything from handling the dead to managing airports," according to Newhouse News Service. But apparently insurance rates for civilian contractors skyrocketed as the war progressed, and now its getting "harder and harder to get (civilian contractors) to go in harm's way," according to Lt. Gen. Charles S. Mahan, the Army's logistics chief. The consequence of this is that troops stationed in Iraq have been living in squalid conditions, camping in primitive shelters with no means of air conditioning, using plywood latrines, and going without fresh food and showers. So I guess this is Halliburton's idea of supporting the troops. Boy, I'm glad the Army chose to hire a company that was so obviously well-prepared for this work.

Pat Snyder
Next stop, Wisconsin, for the trifecta of hypocritical conservative idiocy: booze, strippers, and a motorcycle accident. According to last week's Wausau Daily Herald, conservative talk radio host Pat Snyder crashed his motorcycle into a traffic sign post, breaking an arm and a leg. On Monday, listeners to WSAU-AM were informed that Snyder had been involved in an accident, but they were not given any details about the event. Which is a shame. Because they likely would have been shocked to learn that this paragon of conservative virtue had gotten himself blitzed at a quaint little establishment called "Showtime" - which just happens to be a strip club. The bartender called a cab, but Pat decided it would be better to just drive home drunk. Said Snyder "I guess I didn't practice what I preached." Typical conservative.

Tom Reynolds
And finally, Pat Snyder wasn't the only conservative idiot in Wisconsin last week. On Thursday, Wisconsin state Senator Tom Reynolds vowed to fight against the confirmation of Helene Nelson as head of the state Department of Health and Family Services. Said Reynolds, "I will do everything I can to thwart her appointment." But It turns out that there's really nothing Reynolds can do to stop the appointment, because she was confirmed by the Senate a month and a half ago, on June 24. (For the record, Reynolds voted "yes", along with everyone else in the Wisconsin Senate.) When Reynolds was informed that the confirmation had already been approved, he said "I would have to talk to my staff. I'm not sure if that's so." Right. It's not like a state Senator should be expected to be able to keep track of such unimportant minutiae as whether he voted to confirm a state cabinet secretary. See you next week!