The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 127)
September 22, 2003
Extort the Troops Edition

How's this for screwed up priorities? We've can afford to give a massive tax cut to the rich, but the Pentagon (1) is making wounded soldiers pay for their meals while they're in the hospital. Shame! And speaking of shame, you know how the Bush Administration spent the last two years trying to convince us that Iraq was behind 9/11? Dick Cheney (2,7) said it on TV just last week. Well, forget it ever happened, because Bush (3,4) and the rest of his administration are telling us that they never, ever made the connection. Riiiight. Rounding out the list, we've got perennial Top-10 favorites Fox News (6), Arnold (8), Roy Moore (9) and Pat Roberston (10). As usual, don't forget the key!

The Pentagon
Remember all those so-called "support the troops" rallies that took place before the invasion of Iraq? The ones where all those chickenhawk conservatives were "supporting the troops" by insisting that they should be shipped off to die in a Middle Eastern hell-hole - all because George W. Bush convinced America that we were about to be blown up by Saddam's apparently non-existent weapons of mass destruction? I often wonder where those people are now - I mean, you don't see a lot of them around. Waving flags, parading in the streets, "supporting the troops" - or was that only when we were confronted with the exciting opportunity to kill lots of brown people? Yup, they've been remarkably silent recently, these "supporters" of the troops. It's a shame really, because the troops could probably do with a bit of extra support right now. Take, for example, the wounded soldiers who have to pay for meals while they're in the hospital. Last week it was revealed that the Pentagon is literally adding insult to injury by charging soldiers who were wounded in Iraq for meals they ate while recuperating. Some soldiers are having to write checks for up to $300 to cover the cost of their food. Odd really - George W. Bush just asked the American people for another $87 billion to foot the bill for his Iraq folly, meanwhile the Pentagon is trying to squeeze an extra dollar here and there from soldiers who were wounded in action. Still, I suppose in a time of war everyone has to make sacrifices. Everyone except Bush's super-rich friends of course, who just get an enormous tax cut.

Perhaps Vice President Crashcart should have stayed in his hidey-hole, because the minute he stuck his head out last week he got whacked like a fat, bald, atherosclerotic mole. The problem started when Cheney appeared on "Meet the Press" to regurgitate the usual Bush administration lies about Saddam's connections to Osama bin Laden. Said he, "If we're successful in Iraq, if we can stand up a good representative government in Iraq, that secures the region so that it never again becomes a threat to its neighbors or to the United States, so it's not pursuing weapons of mass destruction, so that it's not a safe haven for terrorists, now we will have struck a major blow right at the heart of the base, if you will, the geographic base of the terrorists who have had us under assault now for many years, but most especially on 9/11." But what's this? A few days later, the White House denied that they had ever linked Iraq to 9/11. "We've had no evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved with September 11," said George W. Bush himself. Whoops! I guess Dick's feeling a little embarrased now. It must be awfully tough to be smacked down by the boy idiot who's supposed to be taking your orders.

George W. Bush
But wait, hold on there a minute. "We've had no evidence that Saddam Hussein was involved with September 11?" Then why, in the rush to war, did George W. Bush find it practically impossible to mention the word "Iraq" without also using the words "September 11" in the same sentence? Why has the administration done everything in its power to connect the secular Saddam Hussein with the fundamentalist Osama bin Laden? Why do 70% of Americans think that Saddam was behind 9/11? Why did the administration start drawing up plans to invade Iraq the minute it heard a plane had crashed into the World Trade Center? Why is Dick Cheney going around saying that Iraq is the "geographic base of the terrorists who have had us under assault now for many years, but most especially on 9/11?" What the hell kinda crack is George W. Bush on exactly? Give me a break. You know, I remember the good old days when Our Great Leader was insisting that he would be avoiding "even the appearance of impropriety." Who would have thought that after making White House employees take an oath that they would all be an "example of humility and decency and fairness," Bush would go on to consistently lie to the American people, alienate our long-standing foreign allies, and rush us into a quagmire which has become a death trap for American soldiers, a financial black hole, and from which there is no easy means of escape? Oh yeah, not to mention swagger around on an aircraft carrier with his balls hanging out.

More George W. Bush
It seems Our Great Leader is taking further steps to avoid "even the appearance of impropriety" by not telling Congress where almost half of the $4 billion spent each month on Iraq is going. Just to make this absolutely clear, about $1.5 billion a month of the administration's spending is simply disappearing, and now Dubya wants us to cough up another $87 billion - which he also doesn't want to have to account for. Okay, so we know that the money isn't going to cover the cost of meals for wounded soldiers - they have to pull themselves up by the bootstraps (which can be difficult if you're missing a limb). And we know it's not going towards finding weapons of mass destruction, because there aren't any. So where is it going? Sen. Ted Kennedy thinks the missing money is potentially being used to bribe other countries to send their troops to help us out, although it doesn't appear to be working so far. But there are other possibilites. I'm sure Dick Cheney's undisclosed location runs up a hefty electric bill, for example. And I expect Dubya spent a lot on pay-per-view during his month-long vacation at the pig farm. Or perhaps Halliburton needs to have some conference rooms refurbished. I guess we may never know...

The California Recallers
Pardon me if I pause for a moment to chuckle. Last week conservative proponents of the California recall were up in arms when a panel of the 9th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals ordered the special election to be postponed because outdated punch-card voting machines could deny millions of people their constitutional right to have their ballots counted fairly. Boy, those conservatives were pissed. Complaining about liberal bias and judicial activism and goodness knows what else. The sweet, sweet irony of the situation is that the court based its decision almost entirely on the U.S. Supreme Court's Bush vs. Gore decision of 2000 which put Whistle-Ass in the White House. So those blustering conservatives are having to come up with all kinds of excuses right now to avoid looking inconsistent and hypocritical, and unfortunately it's not working. I mean, which is it? Either the U.S. Supreme Court was right, in which case the Recall must be postponed, or the Supreme Court was wrong, in which case they're basically admitting that Bush was installed illegitimately. To argue that the Court was right in one case but not the other stinks worse than Arnold Schwarzenegger after a bodybuilder orgy.

Top reporter Christiane Amanpour got into a little hot water last week when she criticized CNN's media coverage of the invasion of Iraq, saying that her news organization was "muzzled" by a combination of the White House and its "foot soldiers" at Fox News. Said Amanpour, "...television - and perhaps to a certain extent my station - was intimidated by the administration and its foot soldiers at Fox News. And it did, in fact, put a climate of fear and self-censorship in terms of the kind of broadcast work we did." An unnamed Fox News spokeswoman later took this as opportunity to give an example of exactly what Amanpour was talking about, saying, "It's better to be viewed as a foot soldier for Bush than a spokeswoman for al-Qaeda." So let me get this straight. First, Fox News is actually admitting that they are simply "foot soldiers" for the Bush administration. Second, Fox News is stating that to accurately report the news from the Iraq war zone - as opposed to reporting only pro-American news and spinning the facts to make the administration look good - makes one a spokesperson for al-Qaeda. Obviously, that Fox News is nothing more than the propaganda arm of the Bush administration is one of the worst-kept secrets in media history, but to see them publicly acknowledging that fact is, frankly, nothing short of stunning. I guess it doesn't bother fans of Fox that we're now living in a climate where one of the biggest cable news networks can simply come right out and say that "truth equals treason."

More Dick Cheney
Yup, it's been a rough week for Dick alright. Not long after getting a pie in the face from Dubya over his statements on Iraq and al-Qaeda, Crashcart came under fire from Democrats who want to know the extent of his financial ties to Halliburton. In the same "Meet the Press" appearance where he linked Saddam Hussein to Osama bin Laden, Cheney asserted "I have no financial interest in Halliburton of any kind and haven't had now for over three years." Oh really? Then perhaps he should explain why in 2001 and 2002, he received almost as much in salary from Halliburton as he did as vice president. According to Tom Daschle, Cheney has received "hundreds of thousands of dollars in deferred salary payments" from Halliburton, who, purely coincidentally of course, happen to be making a huge profit off no-bid contracts to repair the damage caused by the Bush administration in Iraq. Of course, Dick has also claimed that "As vice president, I have absolutely no influence of, involvement of, knowledge of, in any way, shape or form, of contracts." Hmm, just like he has no financial interest in Halliburton. And before you ask - no, you still can't see the documents from Dick's secret energy policy meetings.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
Let's face it, while the California Recall is still going on the Top Ten wouldn't be the Top Ten without a mention of Arnold's most recent antics. Unfortunately the groping Austrian beefcake's chances aren't looking so good at the moment - especially since he refuses to appear in any candidate debates except for one in which the questions are provided in advance. So Arnold has been out and about promoting his campaign in venues he's more confortable with. Since Mr. Gangbang's appeal among female voters appears to be waning, he popped up on Oprah last week to lie about how he never really did any of that orgy stuff back in the '70s - or at least, if he did he can't remember it. Arnold also waxed poetic on the subject of his wife, reminiscing about the time he said to her that "a pump is better than coming." Interestingly, it's quite possible that this is the first time in history a political candidate has used the topic of ejaculation to woo female voters - and if it works it could open up a whole new avenue of campaigning for other candidates. Look out for George W. Bush to explain in the months ahead how he "jizzed himself" while ordering U.S. troops into Iraq.

Roy Moore
Sigh. We thought he might have gotten over it by now, but it appears Roy Moore is still violating Commandment One and continues to worship his big chunk of granite. Apparently the suspended Chief Justice now wants to move his 5,300 pound rock to the U.S. Capitol Building where it can be put on display. Well, good luck Roy. At least Sen. Richard Shelby (R-Nutjob) has got your back - he called on Congress to accept Moore's "gracious offer" last week. Moore's reason for putting the monument in the Capitol Building goes something like this: "By its very action as the elected representatives of the American people, Congress would restore the balance of power between the branches of government and would send a message to federal courts that we, the people, have the final word on our inalienable right to acknowledge God." Cool, well I hope Roy doesn't mind when somebody wants to put a monument to Islam, or Buddhism, or Wicca up there alongside the Ten Commandments. Nah, I'm sure he wouldn't have a problem with that. While Moore is waiting for Congress to return his calls, he can take some comfort in the knowledge that a replica of his granite lump will be going on tour this fall - a Huntsville sculptor and a Decatur monument maker are getting together to build a full-size model of Moore's Monument out of foamboard, wood and tin. Apparently the unsturdy-sounding replica will be "the centerpiece of a 'Save the Commandments Caravan' that will go from Montgomery to the steps of the U.S. Supreme Court," which leaves us with the simple question: are these people freakin' nuts or what?

Pat Robertson
And finally, Pat Robertson last week exhorted 700 Club viewers to pray "in the name of Jesus" for God to put up "a wall of protection" around Virginia Beach to save his Christian Broadcasting Network from Hurricane Isabel. Pat and Co. were asking God to "command this storm to go out into the sea and to pass land harmlessly." Tsk tsk, Pat. You know God doesn't like being told what to do. Clearly George W. Bush didn't have much faith in Pat's hotline to the creator, fleeing like the yellow-bellied coward he is to the relative saftey of Camp David - although I'm sure he was thinking of the residents of Washington D.C. as he watched the whole thing unfold on the Weather Channel. Anyway, perhaps the fact that Virginia Beach ended up being one of the worst hit areas of the coast will give the Pat Robertson some insight into what God thinks of his money-grubbing, hate-promoting perversion of Christianity. Or then again, perhaps not. See you next week!