The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 135)
November 17, 2003
Colossal Waste Of Time Edition

Since conservatives obviously get tetchy when they stay up past their bedtimes, perhaps the Senate Republicans (1,2) should refrain from wasting any more of the nation's time with their ridiculous posturing. And perhaps Fox News (2) should stop helping them. But hey, Senate Republicans aren't the only prominent conservatives wasting everyone's time this week - let's not forget George W. Bush (3) and Roy Moore (4). Meanwhile Bill O'Reilly (5) may have some big news (we can only hope), Arnold Schwarzenegger (6) is, uh, investigating himself, Tom DeLay (9) is jumping on the telemarketing bandwagon, and the RNC (10) has a wicked idea for a movie. Yup, it's business as usual in the land of conservative idiots. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

Senate Republicans
Okay, hands up - who watched the 39-hour judicial nominations wankathon last week? I know I didn't. Well, okay - I did tune in once or twice. The entire colossal waste of time was perpetrated by Republicans who, pissed off that Democrats wouldn't roll over and nominate four of Bush's nutjob justices, were trying to score political points by holding a multi-day cry-fest. Never mind the fact that the Democrats have already approved 168 of Bush's judicial nominees - nooo, that's not good enough for the power-mad Republicans who are for some reason laboring under the misapprehension they have a huge mandate for this kind of nonsense. Here's a thought guys - if you want the Democrats to approve every single one of Bush's justices, how about getting him to nominate some folks that are acceptable to everyone, not just to crackpot wingnuts? Gee, there's a thought. Meanwhile, let's not forget that one of Bush's most important campaign promises in 2000 was his pledge to "change the tone" in Congress and bring the two sides together in a bipartisan explosion of good will and compromise - not that he's managed to keep any of his other campaign promises, mind you (except the one about shoveling fat piles of cash to his multimillionaire buddies).

Senate Republicans and Fox News
The odor of hypocrisy surrounding George W. Bush grew even more repugnant last week when he pulled out his favorite chestnut and accused Democrats of "playing politics" with his judicial nominations. Wow, I haven't heard him use that one for, ooh, about five minutes. But who's really playing politics here? Last week a leaked memo from Elizabeth Keys, a senior communications advisor for the Senate Republican Conference, revealed that Senate Republicans were in cahoots with Fox News over the theatrical aspects of this colossal waste of time, uh, I mean, very important debate. The memo to Republican staffers said, "It is important to double efforts to get your boss to S-230 on time ... Fox News Channel is really excited about this marathon and Brit Hume at 6 would love to open with all our 51 senators walking onto the floor - the producer wants to know will we walk in exactly at 6:02 when the show starts so they get it live to open Brit Hume's show? Or if not, can we give them an exact time for the walk-in start?" So let me get this straight - Fox News isn't just spinning the news any more, they're actually working directly with Republicans to stage-manage the news. My word, is there no end to the impartiality of the Fox News Network?

George W. Bush
Our Great Leader could be in for a shock when he visits the UK this week - massive protests are being planned, and London's Metropolitan Police appear to be decidedly uninterested in recreating Dubya's infamous "First Amendment Zones" in the capital. It appears that Team Bush arrogantly attempted to get the Met to shut down the city center for three days, but Ken Livingstone, the Mayor of London, is making sure that Bush won't be protected from the indignity of actually having to see protesters, as he is at home. Bush has taken all this in stride, of course, saying last week that, "I'm so pleased to be going to a country which says that people are allowed to express their minds." Yes - that'll certainly make a change from being in the US these days. But Bush added, "But certainly they should agree with the goals of the United States, which is [sic] peace and freedom." Now wait - hold on a second here. So if people turn out in huge numbers to yell at the Chump-in-Chief, they're not actually doing it because they disagree with him and his murderous policies - they're doing it because they disagree with the benign and benevolent goals of the United States? Uh, so despite the fact that Bush has been president for less than three years and has already managed to invade two countries, not to mention piss off the entire world community, everyone who shows up to protest him actually hates peace and freedom? What year is this, 1984?

We've been commenting on the Roy Moore story for a long time now (see Idiots passim) but we're pleased to report that he finally got his just desserts last week when an Alabama state judicial ethics panel booted him out of office. Moore's rabid tendency to shove his beliefs down everybody's throats, not to mention his unhealthy obsession with a large chunk of granite (funny, I thought the First Commandment says something about not having any other gods) led to his downfall - not to mention the fact that chief justices really ought to be able to follow the law themselves. Moore was - surprise - unrepentant (funny, I thought Jesus said... oh, never mind) and vowed, "You will hear from me again when it comes to the right to acknowledge God." Newsflash - everyone's already got the right to acknowledge God, dude. You just need to learn the difference between "acknowledge" and "illegally shove down everyone's throats." Incidentally, Roy Moore's attorney was apparently heard on CNN last week favorably comparing the ex-chief justice to George Wallace. For those of you who are unfamiliar with George Wallace, he was a staunch segregationist who became famous in 1963 when he attempted to prevent federal authorities from enrolling two black students at the University of Alabama. So, uh, I guess if that's the kind of hero Roy Moore wants to be compared to then, um, right. Ooooo-kay.

Bill O'Reilly
Oh please let this be true... oh please oh please oh please. It was revealed last week that the blowhard who blows harder than anyone else, Bill O'Reilly, may be considering a run for president. "Certainly the option is open if I want it," said Bill, although he also acknowledged that he wouldn't stand a chance in hell of winning. However, I have to say I'd be thrilled at the prospect of an O'Reilly candidacy. How awesome would it be to watch the thin-skinned jerk self-destruct every time he was put in a tough spot by a reporter? I'm getting goosebumps just thinking about it! To be fair, Bill wants to make sure that everyone knows he would be a serious candidate: "I'm not a vanity player, I'm not gonna go out like Al Sharpton, to get on 'Saturday Night Live' to run for president," he said. Heh heh, yeah right. Not a vanity player. Nice one, Bill. That's pretty funny coming from a guy who manages to turn every single segment on his TV show into a commentary on himself. So please, Bill, if you're reading this, please run for president. I'll even send you a donation! Ten bucks, and a handkerchief to blow your nose into while you're having your nightly bout of self-loathing.

Arnold Schwarzenegger
In a bizarrely OJ Simpson-style turn of events, Arnold Schwarzenegger has hired a private investigator to uh, investigate himself. The Groping Austrian Beefcake made a campaign promise to look into the allegations made against him and to be fair, unlike OJ Simpson, Arnold actually appears to be keeping his promise. But I can't help feeling that this is all a little odd. I mean, the dude just got elected and now he's investigating himself for sexual harassment? Can't he just ask himself whether he did it or not? What does he need the PI for? Tell you what though, I'm going to go out on a limb here and predict that the private investigator will clear Arnold of all the charges. "I've interrogated Governor Schwarzenegger thoroughly and determined that there was absolutely no wrongdoing involved in any of these incidents. It appears that the breasts and buttocks of the alleged victims actually flung themselves at Governor Schwarznegger's hands. Case closed. Nothing to see here. Terminator 3 is now available on DVD. Check stores for details."

Ken Conroy
Conservatives are always keen to demonstrate how much they respect veterans - providing that they approve of those veterans' opinions, of course. A group of veterans were forcibly removed from a Veterans' Day parade in Tallahassee last week by the parade organizer Ken Conroy, because they were "offensive." Their crime? Disagreeing with the current war in Iraq. "They can have their free speech, just not in the parade," Conroy said. "They belong on the sidewalk." Meanwhile, the parade - which, according to the Florida Times-Union contained "several high school marching bands and even a group of young women from the local Hooters restaurant" - continued. Without the veterans. I guess in future Veterans' Day should be appended to Approved Veterans' Day, where we're only allowed to honor those who don't have some kind of controversial opinion. Ah, the land of the free.

Jeb Bush
While we're on the subject of Florida, it's nice to see the return of Governor Jeb Bush to this list after a long absence. What's Jeb been up to? Well, last week he was having a bit of a "joke" with the good people of San Francisco, suggesting that they may be an endangered species. Bush was holding a cabinet meeting when the subject of environmental land came up. While viewing a map of the US which showed the locations of endangered wildlife, Bush said "It looks like the people of San Francisco are an endangered species, which may not be a bad thing. That's probably good news for the country." Uh, ha ha - I guess? I'm not entirely sure why Governor Bush thinks it's a good thing that "the people of San Francisco are an endangered species," unless it's got something to do with the fact that one thing San Francisco is famous for is its large population of homosexuals, and therefore it would be good if they were all wiped out. But I'm sure that's not what Jeb Bush was getting at. California's new governor Arnold Schwarzenegger immediately made a statement defending San Francisco... actually, nah, he didn't say anything at all. I guess he was too busy investigating himself.

Tom Delay
Just when you thought this guy couldn't get any more irritating, he comes up with a scheme that is so desperately annoying it makes being stabbed repeatedly in the buttocks seem like relaxing in a meadow on a pleasant summer's day. Here's the deal: Tom Delay has been sending recorded phone messages to people telling them that they've won a "national leadership award" and they should return his call ASAP. When the unsuspecting "award recipient" calls back - gotcha! A telemarketer comes on the line and hits you up for cash. Get it? If you give $300 or $500, you win the "national leadership award!" According to MSNBC, "Past awardees include a convicted sex offender and a maker of drug paraphernalia," although apparently, "both awards were later rescinded." Why, did their checks bounce? But seriously - thanks again, Tom. Every time we think you've hit rock bottom you manage to surprise us.

The RNC
And finally, the RNC managed to stop CBS from airing "The Reagans" (see Idiots 134) but they're not stopping there. No sir, the RNC isn't content with merely setting the record straight - they want to take the record off the record player, polish it, replace the stylus, add a new pair of top-of-the-line speakers and some of those Monster sound cables, then take the record and... (enough with the record player metaphor already - Ed). Ahem, anyway, the RNC has announced tentative plans to produce their own Ronald Reagan story, titled, um, "The Real Reagans." If it's anything like that epitome of unbiased truth, "DC 9/11" (see Idiots 126) then we could be in for a real treat. Picture the scene: a muscle-bound, shirtless Ronald Reagan has Mikhail Gorbachev in a headlock and is using Gorbachev's own hand to punch him in the head. Reagan: "Mr. Gorbachev, stop hitting yourself and tear down this wall." Gorbachev: "Alright, I admit it, you have won the cold war!" Reagan gives Gorbachev a wedgie, then uses his laser eyes to carve his own head into Mount Rushmore. Hell yeah, I'd watch the shit out of that. See you next week!