The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 97)
January 27, 2003
 Sweet Little Lies Edition

It's Top Ten time again! With the war machine going into overdrive we have a thoroughly depressing list of moronic conservative behavior this week. George W. Bush and his lying administration top the chart amidst revelations that they really never had any evidence of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, Colin Powell (2) reveals how we're going to occupy Iraq's oilfields, and there's George W. Bush again (3) announcing his fabulous Office of Global Communications. Elsewhere, John Snow (4), the new treasury secretary, is a drunk driver and deadbeat dad, Jerry Thacker (5) is a first-class homophobe, and the Republican Party (7) is has been caught "astroturfing." Bringing up the rear we find the latest judicial conservative idiot, Karl Forester (9) and back again in the number ten slot is Matt Drudge. Don't forget the key!

1Bush and his Lying Administration lying lying warmongering warmongering
If has been said that if you repeat a lie often enough, it eventually becomes the truth. And boy, do the Bush Administration like to repeat lies. How many times have we heard them say over the last few months that they know Saddam has weapons of mass destruction? How many times have they told us that they have hard evidence that he is hoarding these weapons, or building more? And how many times have we wondered why, if the administration has this hard evidence, aren't they just passing it along to the U.N. weapons inspectors so they can go find the buggers? Well here's why - in a recent New York Times article entitled "U.S. Set to Demand That Allies Agree Iraq Is Defying UN" an alert reader spotted this gem: "Administration officials said their strategy was based on the belief that there might never be a 'smoking gun' proving Iraq's possession of illegal weapons." So... there's no actual evidence of weapons of mass destruction then. Not that the Bush administration would ever lie to the American people, of course.

2Colin Powell warmongering greed
It's so sickening to hear this administration talk about the "war on terror" when you consider what they're planning to do in Iraq. Colin Powell said last week that Iraqi oilfields would be held "in trust" for the Iraqi people. "If we are the occupying power, it will be held for the benefit of the Iraqi people and it will be operated for the benefit of the Iraqi people," he said. "How will we operate it? How best to do that? We are studying different models. But the one thing I can assure you of is that it will be held in trust for the Iraqi people, to benefit the Iraqi people. That is a legal obligation that the occupying power will have." Now let's just think about this for a moment. For all the people who think that an invasion of Iraq will be a nice quick in-and-out like the Gulf War ten years ago, consider: we're going to attempt to invade and occupy a country, control its natural resources, and hand those resources back to the rightful owners - a bit at a time, providing they play nice - and we'll make sure to siphon off our share to pay for all the bombs we just dropped, of course. And they think that this sort of behavior will reduce resentment against America? They think it will reduce the possibility of terrorist attacks on America or Americans around the globe? Absolutely insane.

3George W. Bush excessive spin excessive spin dumb warmongering
Don't worry though, our great leader George W. Bush is on the case. Bush last week appointed a man named Tucker Eskew to head the brand spanking new White House Office of Global Communications. The new office is supposed to improve America's image around the world, presumably by putting out banal propaganda-style press releases which echo the words of Eskew: "the truth about the compassion of the American people is often lost." Indeed, indeed. And I'm sure that if we're occupying half the Middle East, Osama bin Laden's fanatical followers will be paying such rapt attention to the outpourings of the Office of Global Communications that they'll completely forget to commit any massive terrorist attacks against us.

4John Snow booze greed
And now onto important domestic issues. It was revealed last week that John Snow, the man nominated by George W. Bush to become the new treasury secretary, was once arrested for drunk-driving, and that he refused to pay child support to his ex-wife over a 19 month period. I guess the DUI charge is forgivable, since both the current president and vice-president of the United States have been arrested multiple times for the same offense (and obviously we should all look to our great leaders as role models) - but should the next treasury secretary really be a deadbeat dad too? I mean, this is a guy worth literally millions of dollars - but he can't pay his child support? I've got three little words for you, folks: Republican. Family. Values.

5Jerry Thacker homophobia homophobia
Jerry Thacker is a Pennsylvania marketing consultant with a sad story - he contracted HIV after his wife was infected during a blood transfusion. Of course, being HIV+ would seemingly make him a perfect candidate to serve on the Presidential Advisory Commission on HIV and AIDS, which is why he was nominated by the Bush administration last week. But if the Bush administration had actually bothered to research their nominee they would have found out that he is a raging homophobe who has been described by the Human Rights Campaign as "an extremist ideologue." See, Thacker is a a former Bob Jones University employee who has called AIDS the "gay plague," described homosexuality as a "deathstyle," and insisted that "Christ can rescue the homosexual." Even Carl Schmid, a Republican gay activist who worked on President Bush's 2000 campaign, said last week that Jerry Thacker has a "radical agenda." Actually, thinking about it, it sounds like the Bush administration probably did fully research him, doesn't it? The good news is that the nomination crashed and burned last week after the administration realized that people had actually noticed that Thacker was a scumbag.

6The U.S. Senate anti-environment anti-environment
Take a deep breath. If you think the air is a little too clean right now, then the newly-Republican U.S. Senate has got great news! On a 50-46 vote, the Senate voted against a Democratic-sponsored effort to delay a Bush Administration initiative to relax enforcement of industrial clean air rules. The Democrats wanted six months so scientists could study the potential effects of the Bush policy on public health. Seems like a reasonable approach. After all, we wouldn't want to undo years of progress on clean air and put the health of the American people at risk. But to conservatives in the US Senate, it seems that the health of the American people isn't worth six months... Not when there are government favors to hand out to your buddies in the Oil and Gas industry!

7The Republican Party excessive spin partisanship dumb
Always assumed that conservatives need to get someone else do their thinking for them? Then read on... It was revealed last week that the Republican Party website was offering its "team leaders" (incidentally, our very own Bob Boudelang is a Republican team leader) a pre-written email commending George W. Bush on his economic leadership - which is pretty funny in itself. And it didn't take long for someone to catch them at it. Online magazine The Inquirer noticed that if you typed the words "demonstrating genuine leadership" into the Google search engine, this pre-written email could be found printed on letters-to-the-editor pages in newspapers all across the country - and indeed across the world. The letters were almost all identical, and all signed by different people. A phony grassroots campaign devised by a phony political party. So just in case you needed any more proof that conservatives will happily do whatever their masters tell them (as long as it doesn't involve any original thought on their own part) - there you go.

8George W. Bush screwing the poor
And here's the latest example of George W. Bush "demonstrating genuine leadership" when it comes to the economy. Last week the Cincinnati Enquirer reported that in Ohio "Some 30,000 low-income parents, many of them single working mothers, must lose their medical benefits... And 800,000 poor and disabled Ohioans must lose coverage for visits to dentists, eye doctors, psychologists, chiropractors and podiatrists." So much for leaving no child behind. And the Republicans accuse us of class warfare? Considering George W. Bush's bloated war budget and his proposal for yet another round of tax cuts for the super-rich, it's starting to look like his top priority is eliminating America's working class.

9 Karl Forester unconstitutional religious nut
Step aside Chief Justice Roy Moore! There's a new judicial idiot in town, and he's one up on you. Readers of the Top Ten will remember Roy Moore as the judge who installed an enormous granite monument to the Ten Commandments in his courthouse (see Idiots 30) and was subsequently ordered to have it removed (see Idiots 92). If Roy Moore had really wanted to keep his statue, he should have gotten in touch with Judge Karl Forester for some tips on how to keep religion out of government. You see, Forester recently dismissed an ACLU lawsuit which demanded the Ten Commandments be removed from a county courthouse on the grounds that "he saw no evidence of a religious purpose," according to the Associated Press. Pretty clever, huh? I guess when God appeared in a thundercloud and told Moses to climb up Mount Sinai to collect two holy stone tablets containing a big list of things that everyone had to do or else they'd go to Hell, it was purely for secular purposes.

10Matt Drudge partisanship dumb
And finally, it's two in a row for Internet poop-thrower Matt Drudge, who appeared on last week's chart for splashing all over his home page the exciting and pertinent news that it's been five years since he broke the Monica Lewinsky story. Yes Matt, we get it. Five years ago you broke a story. Well done. But we think that Mr. Drudge may have outdone himself this week by posting a breaking story that will surely eclipse the Lewinsky scandal. Yes folks - this is big, and once again Drudge was there first. So what's the story? Hold on to your hats, it's a monster! If you can believe it, Matt has outscooped the major networks yet again with the news that presidential candidate Sen. John Edwards was spotted on TV last week chewing gum. Stop the presses! Since hearing this shocker, we've come to the conclusion that Edwards should probably give up on the presidency altogether. His chances are surely ruined now that he's been caught chewing gum on television. Congratulations, Mr. Drudge. You've really outdone yourself this time.

Idiots At Large
Ex-GOP official indicted in Virginia... Rumsfeld makes "Old Europe" gaffe... State Rep. John Graham Altman of South Carolina wants "Choose Death" license plates... Lou Dobbs's wife arrested at airport... Janet Rehnquist under investigation... Bush quotes "class warfare" (again)... and Tricia Lott feels effects of hubby's blunder. See you next week!