The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 150)
April
5, 2004
Yawning Edition
As
the 9/11 investigation continues, the revelations about the
White House just get worse and worse. As the White House tries
to spin their pre-9/11 foreign policy, a never-delivered speech
by National Security Advisor Condoleezza Rice (1) clearly
illustrates their lack of attention to international terrorism.
Not surprisingly, the vast right-wing conspiracy was spinning
like crazy. Bill Frist (3), Bob Novak (4), and Zell Miller
(5) all had some ridiculous things to say about Richard Clarke.
And Jim Bunning (7) had some ridiculous things to say about
his Democratic opponent for US Senate. And we've even got
Bush on the list twice. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget
the key!
Condoleezza
Rice
It looks like the Responsibility President is down to his
last line of defense. Last week George W. Bush threw
Condoleezza Rice to the 9/11 Commission in a final attempt
to cover his own ass, but it appears that the buck is moving
slowly and inexorably towards Our Great Leader's desk, where,
fingers crossed, it will stop. Unfortunately it'll probably
just sorta slide right off the desk, leave quietly through
a side door, and end up scotch-taped to the ass of some low-level
bureaucrat - but we shall see. Meanwhile, Condi is likely
to face some tough questioning from the 9/11 Commission this
Thursday. To be fair, the questions might not have been so
tough if she, oh, I dunno, hadn't lied her ass off since
September 11 - just a thought. But Condi will also face
accusations that she wasn't interested in al Qaeda and terrorism
before September 11. It was revealed
last week that she was due to give a speech on 9/11/01 which
focused on missile defense, not terrorism. Apparently the
speech said that we need to face "the threats and problems
of today and the day after, not the world of yesterday," and
then criticized Bill Clinton for focusing on terrorist groups
and not on missile defense. Genius. Not only that but a former
FBI translator testified to the 9/11 Commission recently that
the US should have had an "orange or red type of alert in
June or July of 2001. There was that much information available,"
and that, "there was specific information about use of
airplanes, that an attack was on the way two or three months
beforehand and that several people were already in the country
by May of 2001. They should've alerted the people to the threat
we're facing." Hmmm. Kinda puts a dent
in Condi's "we had no idea they would use airplanes as
missiles" story, doesn't it?
CNN
On the Late Show last week, David Letterman played a series
of clips of a recent George W. Bush speech, which featured
a teenage boy in the background yawning and checking his watch.
Clearly amused by the boy's antics, CNN's Daryn Kagan ran
the clips the following morning on CNN Live Today. And here's
where it starts to get weird.
After breaking for a commercial, Kagan came back and told
her viewers that, "that video was from David Letterman. We're
being told by the White House that the kid, as funny as he
was, was edited into that video, which would explain why the
people around him weren't really reacting. So, that from the
White House." Hey, nice fact-checking Daryn! So the White
House calls to tell you the "truth" and you just
blurt it out right there on air? Does this have anything to
do with all those missing weapons of mass destruction by any
chance? But as if reporting spin directly from the White House
isn't bad enough, there's even more idiocy to this than meets
the eye. See, it turned out Letterman hadn't edited
the boy into the clips - they were 100% real - and not only
that but CNN claimed they hadn't even had a call from the
White House. Apparently it was all just "a misunderstanding
among staff." Fascinating! So this is how the
cable news networks really operate - they just make it up
as they go along.
Bill
Frist
Bill Frist has got a long way to go before he can claim the
coveted "Ugliest Speech By A Senate Majority Leader"
award currently held by Trent Lott (see Idiots
94) - but he'll probably be satisfied with last week's
performance
nonetheless. On the floor of the Senate, Frist all but accused
Richard Clarke of committing perjury during his testimony
to the 9/11 Commission, and said that Clarke was merely trying
to "profit from the suffering that this nation endured
on Sept. 11, 2001." (Of course, Bill Frist would never
consider doing such a thing himself.) But it appears that
Frist has failed to learn the lessons of Bill O'Reilly's lawsuit
against Al Franken. See, Senator, when you latch yourself
onto the White House spin machine and decry someone's book
on the Senate floor, you're only going to make people more
interested in that book. Sucker. Incidentally, Clarke has
said
that he will donate a "substantial" portion of the
sales from the book to the families of military personnel
who have died in Afghanistan and Iraq - not that he's obligated
to do that. Richard Clarke has already done more for the 9/11
families than the entire Bush administration put together
by having the courage to come out and tell the truth. You
should try it sometime, Senator. Actually, better not. Your
brain might melt.
Robert
Novak
Mind you, Bob "Traitor" Novak went one step further
than Bill Frist last week, desperately trying to inject racism
into the Richard Clarke story. On CNN's Crossfire, Novak asked
Rep. Rahm Emanuel (D-Illinois), "Congressman, do you
believe, you're a sophisticated guy, do you believe watching
these hearings that Dick Clarke has a problem with this African-American
woman Condoleezza Rice?" Uh, what? Clearly confused by
this brazen statement, Emanuel asked Novak to repeat himself.
So he did. "Do you believe that Dick Clarke has a problem
with this African-American woman Condoleezza Rice?" asked
Novak. "No, no. Bob, give me a break. No. No." said
Emanuel. As John Stewart said later on the Daily Show, "I
didn't even know this deck had a race card." I
mean, for goodness sake, is there anything the Republican
Attack machine won't try to pin on Richard Clarke? Look for
next week's NewsMax exposé, "Richard Clarke: I
wore women's clothing while picking up young boys on the Internet."
Seriously, look out for it.
Zell
Miller
Once the first and only Democrat to ever appear on the Top
Ten, Zell Miller could have a permanent spot from now until
November if he keeps going at this rate. Last week the proud
Bush supporter announced
that we should stop investigating 9/11 immediately because
it could "energize our enemies and demoralize our troops."
That's right - according to Miller, finding out why 3,000
people were killed on September 11 so that we can make sure
it doesn't happen again is the same as giving aid and comfort
to the enemy. See, on Planet Zell, it's Richard Clarke
who's really to blame for 9/11 because he was in the "catbird
seat" for ten years. Never mind that Clarke was practically
begging Bush to pay attention to al Qaeda and Bush ignored
him - has everyone forgotten that Our Great Leader is absolutely
not responsible for anything at all that happens under his
watch? Said Miller, "It's obvious to me that this country
is rapidly dividing itself into two camps - the wimps and
the warriors." No Zell, if this country is dividing itself
into two camps it's between people who want the truth and
people who've
got their noses so far up Bush's butt that they've lost their
minds.
John
Burt
Pro-life activist John Burt used to run a home for "troubled
girls and women." Whether they were troubled before they
got there is up for debate - but they sure as hell were troubled
afterwards. Burt was convicted
last week on five counts of lewd or lascivious molestation
or conduct and now faces a maximum of 75 years in prison.
The girl Burt molested testified at his trial via a video
link, accusing him among other things of showing her "a
graphic and sexually explicit note that asks for oral sex
and sexual intercourse." Burt testified that the note
was actually for his wife, but - surprise - nobody believed
him. Incidentally, Burt also associated with two men who were
convicted of committing anti-abortion murders in the mid-1990s.
I guess murder and child molestation are all part of the new
conservative "family values" program.
Jim
Bunning
Nothing like a good ethnic/terrorist "joke" to get
a good hearty laugh at a Republican dinner - even better if
the "joke" is told by a US Senator. It was revealed
last week that at a March 20 dinner, Kentucky Senator Jim
Bunning (R-Naturally) told the audience that his likely Democratic
opponent in November, Dan Mongiardo, looks like Uday or Qusay
Hussein. Ha ha! (Mongiardo is the son of Italian immigrants,
which I guess Bunning equates with those swarthy-looking middle-eastern
types.) The Cincinnati Enquirer asked Bunning's campaign
about the remarks, which were reported to them by a Republican
who attended the dinner, and the campaign promptly apologized.
But here's the funny thing - later that day they retracted
the apology, saying that they had obtained a tape of the event,
and the report of Bunning's remarks was "inaccurate."
Hmmmm. So could the Enquirer perhaps hear the tape,
to find out what Bunning really said? Sorry - no. Well then,
could the campaign just tell the Enquirer what Bunning
really said? Uh, no. Oh, well, that all sounds completely
above board then. Apparently there was something to
the story though - Bunning's campaign apologized again
last week, this time saying, "We're sorry if this joke, which
got a lot of laughs, offended anyone." Well as long as a roomful
of fatcat Republicans found the Senator's ethnic slur amusing,
I guess that's okay.
George
W. Bush
According to Our Great Leader, everything in Iraq is peachy-keen
- despite his failure to find weapons of mass destruction,
600+ dead American soldiers, and the fact that the country
appears to be slipping towards civil war. Last week Bush appeared
at a $2000-a-plate fundraiser where he mentioned Iraq but
failed to mention the four contractors who had been shot dead,
set on fire, dismembered, dragged through the streets of Fallujah
and then hung from a bridge just hours before. I guess that
wouldn't have gone down too well with his supporters. But
that's okay, I guess Bush can keep burying his head in the
sand if he wants. Hey, he told us that Iraqis would be dancing
in the streets, and he kept
his promise. Shame they were dancing around the charred
bodies of American civilians.
George
W. Bush
Despite the Richard Clarke controversy, George W. Bush is
still trying to portray himself as a no-compromises, tough-on-terror
kinda guy. Funny then that last week the White House denied
an IRS request for 80 more criminal investigators to add to
the 160 it currently has tracking down and disrupting al Qaeda's
financial networks. And why was the request denied? So Bush
can save a mere $12 million. Ah, there's nothing like frugality
when it comes to stopping al Qaeda. Sure, we can spend $150
billion making things worse in Iraq, but $12 million to actually
do something useful in the war on terror? Not a chance!
That reminds me, isn't it about time they fired some more
gay translators?
The
White House
And finally, guess what? The White House is going to vet
the 9/11 Commission's report line by line before it is
publicly released, to make sure that it doesn't, you know,
"compromise intelligence," or "jeopardize national
security," or "make them look bad." So first
they try to prevent an investigation into 9/11, then they
try to delay it, then they try to prevent its deadline from
being extended, then they try to prevent any members of the
administration from testifying - and now the last ace up their
sleeve is to redact half of the final report. According to
Reuters, "Commission vice chairman Lee Hamilton vowed
not to let the White House 'distort' the report." Ha,
good luck with that. If there's one thing the Bush administration
is good at, it's distorting. Expect to see a large consignment
of black magic markers arriving at the White House sometime
this week. See you next week...
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