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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 162)
July 5, 2004
Secretary of Boogyin' Down Edition
 America
and Iraq had something in common last week: Americans celebrated
our independence, and thanks to the Bush Administration (1), so
did the citizens of the newly sovereign state of Iraq -- except
for that whole "celebrating" part and the "independence"
part. In the Justice Department (2) they no longer even bother to
make their lies believable anymore. And on Fox News (3), they are
letting their hypocrisy all hang out. Meanwhile, Bill Frist (4)
is stinking and conniving, Lee Constantine (5) is drinking and driving,
and Colin Powell (10) is singing and jiving. Enjoy, and as usual,
don't forget the key!
 The
Bush Administration 
And so the occupation of Iraq ended not with a bang, but a whimper.
Of course, chances are good that it would have ended with
a bang if the handover hadn't been secretly brought
forward by two days and marked with a five minute ceremony in
the middle of the night before Paul Bremer jumped on a helicopter
and got the hell out of there faster than you can say "Saigon
1975." All of which just goes to show how well things are proceeding
in Iraq these days. Mind you, now that we've officially handed sovereignty
over to the Iraqis, we can start bringing our troops home, right?
Well, not exactly. It was announced
last week that the Army is beginning "involuntary callups"
and recalling 5,600 troops who "recently left the services
and still have a reserve obligation." So three cheers, we did
it. We've liberated the Iraqi people - which, if you think about
it, was our sole reason for invading in the first place, I mean,
there might have been some other reason but I can't for the life
of me remember what it was - and now the Iraqis can wallow in their
new-found post-Saddam freedom, and they'll only have to put up with
living in a permanent crossfire between U.S. troops and militant
al Qaeda types. Still, I'm sure we can trust the new Iraqi government
to solve this problem. After all, it's none of our business any
more. Mission accomplished. There's nothing to see here. You may
return to your regularly scheduled edition of Outback Jack.
 The
Justice Department 
Back in 2001 John Ashcroft sent
a memo urging federal agencies to resist the Freedom of Information
Act. "When you carefully consider FOIA requests and decide to withhold
records, in whole or in part, you can be assured that the Department
of Justice will defend your decisions unless they lack a sound legal
basis or present an unwarranted risk of adverse impact on the ability
of other agencies to protect other important records," he wrote.
Now, after three years, they seem to be running out of reasons for
resisting requests - because they just came up with the dumbest
one yet. The Center for Public Integrity requested information
on foreign lobbyists back in January, and last week they were told
that, "Implementing such a request risks a [computer] crash that
cannot be fixed and could result in a major loss of data, which
would be devastating." What? What bullshit! Retrieving information
from the Justice Department's database will potentially destroy
it? Who the hell builds their software? Laurel and Hardy? In light
of this recent news, I strongly suspect it won't be long before
we start straying into "the dog ate it" territory.
 Fox
News 
They're looking out for you! Fox News is currently engaged in a
battle for the hearts and dirty minds of Americans by highlighting
the moral decadence of pornography. Of course, Fox News is doing
this in an effort to protect and inform the public, and is absolutely
not using it as an excuse to televise screenshots of porno
websites every five minutes in a desperate attempt to boost their
ratings. Unfortunately, however, it seems they may have gone a little
too far in their efforts to protect the nation from the evils of
shagging. Last week, during a promo for Your World with Neil
Cavuto, they displayed a screenshot of a porn site in which
Fox censors tastefully blocked out a bare breast. Unfortunately
they neglected to block out a big penis entering a vagina, as you
can see in this screen
capture. So in light of the fact that CBS are on the verge of
receiving a $550,000
fine for one of Janet Jackson's breasts, I wonder if Fox News
- the guardians of American morality - will step up to the plate
and voluntarily offer to pay a much larger sum for showing full
penetrative sex during primetime?
 Bill
Frist 
In the wake of, um, Fuck Yourself, uh... Gate... (see Idiots 161),
plenty of conservatives have made asses of themselves trying to
defend Dick Cheney's crude language on the Senate floor. But Sen.
Bill Frist rose above the rest of the turds and floated sedately
at the top of the GOP toilet bowl last week. Frist - the Senate
Majority Leader - refused
to criticize Cheney for the remarks he made to Sen. Leahy, sniffing,
"I'll let the American people judge as to whether or not it
was warranted... I am not going to condone, I am not going to overly
criticize the language that people in the - the language that people
use to express themselves." Right... so that couldn't have
been our Bill who "vowed"
back at the start of June to pass a bill vastly increasing fines
on broadcasters who air "indecency." (The bill passed
on the same day that Cheney dropped the F-Bomb.) Frist's hypocrisy
doesn't stop there though. Last week we noted that Senate Republicans
had prevented John Kerry from voting on a veterans healthcare bill
- well, it turns out that this was all Bill Frist's doing. According
to Tom Daschle: "Senator Frist noted to me as he was standing
here that he didn't want to accord Senator Kerry the opportunity
to vote today." And Frist said, "Senator Kerry, who hadn't been
here all year, who's missed 80 percent of all votes this year, parachutes
in for a day, and then he'll be taking off once again." Funny that.
Apparently Bill Frist doesn't mind when Arlen Specter is out campaigning
- he was recently spotted
flying around on Bush's airplane and trolling for votes in Pennsylvania
before he had to "get back for some votes." According
to Knight Ridder, "Frist made it clear that although Kerry
may be the de facto Democratic presidential nominee, in the Senate
he wields no more clout than any of the other 99 senators."
Cool, so Kerry will get equal treatment. Then I guess Bill Frist
won't be playing any more politics with veterans' health care in
order to waste his time.
 Lee
Constantine 
Republican State Sen. Lee Constantine of Florida was arrested recently
for drink-driving... again. Yup, this is Constantine's second DUI
arrest. Fortunately he's pals with Sheriff Kevin Beary - see, that's
the first person he asked to speak to after he was pulled over,
saying that "he would take care of it." Unfortunately
it appears he was picked up by the only cop in Orange County who
didn't know that Constantine had a get out of jail free card. Officer
Monte Ertel said
that he pulled the senator over after spotting his car drifting
across traffic, and that he subsequently smelled alcohol on his
breath. Constantine was also videotaped at Orange County's DUI test
center (where he asked to speak with the sheriff ten times in four
minutes). But the best part is his defense - see, apparently there
was a gas can in Constantine's trunk, so they're calling in an expert
to testify that it was the fumes that caused him to simply appear
drunk. Ha ha! Not only that, but his lawyer said
that Constantine was "nervous over the effect his second
DUI arrest would have on his career and that anxiety could affect
his ability to perform the tests." Hmm. Perhaps he should have
thought of that before he went drink-driving.
 The
Bush Administration
We noted back in Idiots 148
that the Bush Administration was distributing propaganda videos
disguised as news programs in an attempt to hide the true costs
of the White House-backed Medicare bill. Now that the bill is law,
the effects of the Bush administration's cleverly-hidden incompetence
are becoming clear. According
to Reuters, "Prices for medicines most used by older Americans
rose steadily after the Bush administration enacted the new Medicare
law late last year, the nation's largest group representing the
elderly said on Wednesday. AARP, formerly known as the American
Association of Retired Persons, said brand-name drug prices have
climbed 3.4 percent - or three times the rate of inflation - since
December. The jump was one of the sharpest quarterly spikes since
2000." Funny, the White House website says
that the new Medicare act will create "real savings for
seniors." Oh, but I forgot - they're liars. So there you have
it, folks. Once
again, the Bush administration is hoisted on its own petard.
How much longer do we have to put up with these jokers?
 The
Carlyle Group 
So, while Michael Moore detractors have been taking to the airwaves
to denounce Fahrenheit 9/11 as a piece of meaningless propaganda,
the Carlyle Group - which is sharply focused on in the movie due
to its ties to Saudi Arabia and the Bush family - has purchased
Loews Cineplex Entertainment. What a coincidence! And I mean that
most sincerely - it would be unrealistic to surmise that the Carlyle
Group bought Loews Cineplex in an effort to suppress Moore's movie.
But the timing is fascinating. Carlyle has traditionally focused
on telecom, arms, and oil. Saudis - and the bin Laden family in
particular - have invested heavily in the company. Now that the
spotlight is shining on the connection between the Bush family and
the bin Ladens, Carlyle's move into the American media and entertainment
industry ought to raise a few eyebrows.
 Allen
Raymond 
Who is Allen Raymond, you ask yourselves? Allen Raymond is the former
chief of GOP Marketplace, a telemarketing company. The Republicans
hired Raymond's company to provide telemarketing services in New
Hampshire during the 2002 elections, which included a close race
between Jeanne Shaheen and John Sununu, who won by fewer than 20,000
votes. So why is Raymond on the list this week? Well, because last
week he pleaded
guilty to jamming Democratic telephone lines on election day.
The lines were set up by Democrats in an effort to organize rides
to the polls as part of a get out the vote effort, and they were
jammed by Raymond's company for an hour and a half. Raymond will
be sentenced in November and faces up to five years in prison. And
the Republican vote-theft machine rolls on...
Marc Balestrieri 
Since George W. Bush's recent multi-million dollar ad blitz against
John Kerry failed to bear much fruit, it's apparently down to individuals
such as Marc Balestrieri to try to put a dent in the senator's reputation.
Mr. Balestrieri is a Catholic lawyer who last week filed heresy
charges against John Kerry. That's right folks - heresy
charges. It seems that of all the pro-choice Catholics in America,
John Kerry needs to be sought out for special attention and excommunicated
from the church. According to the Washington Times, Mr. Balestrieri
also filed an "additional complaint charging 'harm' to himself
as a result of Mr. Kerry's pronouncements on abortion and related
issues." Of course, this has nothing whatsoever to do
with Kerry being a Democrat running for president - Marc Balestrieri
would, I'm sure, file the same charges against any pro-choice Catholic
that he happened to come across. Because this is all about poor
Marc Balestrieri and his oh-so-delicate faith which John Kerry is
threatening to destroy (although apparently priests diddling young
boys didn't set Marc off) and has got absolutely nothing
to do with politics. So there.
 Colin
Powell
And finally, Colin Powell impersonated the Village People last week.
According to Yahoo News, "Powell danced
alongside five other U.S. officials dressed in fancy dress and blasted
out a version of the 1970s disco classic [YMCA] to the delight of
foreign ministers from across the Asia-Pacific and Europe."
Well, you know what they say - a picture is a worth a thousand words...
See you next week!
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