The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 139)
January 12, 2004
Moonbase Dubya Edition

George W. Bush
Talk about a new year's quadruple whammy for Bush. First it was revealed that a 400-member US team which has spent the better part of a year searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq was "quietly withdrawn" last week after finding... zilch. Since the threat of Saddam using his terrifying arsenal of WMD - which Our Great Leader spent some quality time itemizing during his last State of the Union address - was the main reason for our invasion of Iraq, this puts a small dent in Dubya's case for war. But that wasn't all - as the WMD team was being withdrawn, the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace released a scathing report which confirmed that Bush's case was deeply flawed, that the administration "systematically misrepresented the threat from Iraq's WMD and ballistic missile programs," and misrepresented UN inspectors' findings "in ways that turned threats from minor to dire." Well... no kidding. But it's nice to have a prestigious research foundation back up what we already knew. Third, it appears that the man in charge of the hunt for Saddam's weapons of mass destruction, David Kay, may be on the verge of resigning because he hasn't managed to discover the vast stockpiles of anthrax and plutonium he was expecting to find. That's what you get for listening to Dubya, Mr. Kay. Finally, Bush's former treasury secretary Paul O'Neill spoke out last week with some startling revelations about the Bush administration's rush to war. According to 60 minutes, O'Neill said that "From the very beginning [of the Bush presidency], there was a conviction, that Saddam Hussein was a bad person and that he needed to go...It was all about finding a way to do it. That was the tone of it. The president saying 'Go find me a way to do this.'" And lo and behold, find a way to do it they did! O'Neill also described Bush at cabinet meetings as, "a blind man in a roomful of deaf people." Blind Man Bush. I kinda like that.

Colin Powell
Meanwhile, at the State Department there was further evidence of the administration slowly owning up to the fact that their entire Iraq adventure was nothing but a big scam. According to MSNBC, Colin Powell "reversed a year of administration policy" last week, telling reporters that "I have not seen smoking gun, concrete evidence about the connection [between Saddam Hussein and al-Qaeda]." Funny that - as recently as last September George W. Bush was on record saying there was "no question" about a connection between Iraq and al-Qaeda And back in February, Powell himself told the UN that "Iraqi officials deny accusations of ties with al-Qaida...These denials are simply not credible." Okay, so the denials weren't credible, but you admit you haven't seen any concrete evidence to prove otherwise? So tell us, Colin, why weren't the denials credible? Simple: "I do believe the connections existed." Let's just get this straight. The US team hunting for weapons of mass destruction is coming home from Iraq empty-handed, David Kay is going to resign without giving a final report, there was never any "concrete evidence" to link Iraq to al Qaeda, but we went to war because you believed that the connections existed? I guess you could call the invasion of Iraq a "faith-based war" then, eh?

George W. Bush
Back on the home front, there was yet more bad news for the country when the Labor Department released a report last week which showed "anemic" job growth for December. While the stock market continues to climb (with a little helping hand from the convenient raising or lowering Tom Ridge's color-coded threat level every now and again), the job market is extremely weak. The Labor Department's report showed that rather than adding an expected 100,000 new jobs in December a mere 1,000 jobs were added, while an estimated 300,000 people stopped looking for work altogether. But it's okay, because George W. Bush has a plan. Yes, we're looking at a half-trillion dollar budget deficit. Yes, government spending is completely out of control. Yes, Bush is bankrupting the country and your kids are going to have to pay off his debts. But don't worry - we're going to the moon! Never mind that the last time a trip to the moon was planned back in 1989 NASA estimated the cost at around $400 billion. Why stop there? Bush's plan also includes a manned exploration of Mars, so the cost is sure to top $1 trillion. Incidentally, Reuters reports that "there could be more exchanges of technology between NASA and the Defense Department" during this project, which is interesting. Perhaps they expect to find Osama bin Laden hiding in a lunar crater. Bottom line: maybe a plan like this might have been possible when we had projected budget surpluses (you know, before Bush handed out billions of dollars in tax breaks to his big business campaign contributors and millionaire buddies) but if we have to do away with Social Security and Medicare just so we can build Moonbase Dubya, forget it.

Pat Robertson
Okay, let's just forget the whole thing. I'm afraid I have to announce that there's not much point even running a candidate against George W. Bush this year because he's just received an endorsement which guarantees total victory. Yes, Pat Robertson revealed last week that "I really believe I'm hearing from the Lord it's going to be like a blowout election in 2004. It's shaping up that way...The Lord has just blessed him...I mean, he could make terrible mistakes and comes out of it. It doesn't make any difference what he does, good or bad, God picks him up because he's a man of prayer and God's blessing him." As we all know, Pat is God's chosen mouthpiece here on earth and whenever God's got something important to say, Pat's got the scoop. So there you have it, folks - let's just give 2004 a miss. God has obviously decided that he likes presidents who make the rich richer and the poor poorer, who appreciate the value of executing minors, who set out to destroy our fragile environment for a buck, and who tell lies in order to start wars which kill thousands yet end up benefiting nobody but fatcat businessmen. Thanks a lot, God. Although to be fair to the Lord, we should probably also consider the possibility that Pat Robertson is completely off his rocker.

John Rowland
You can't beat the GOP when it comes to corruption. A federal probe into "alleged bribery and bid-rigging" last week upgraded Connecticut's Republican governor, John Rowland, from "witness" to "subject," meaning that he is now "within the scope of the federal investigation." The governor was subsequently forced to make a public apology for his behavior, not that that's going to help him much now - House Democrats appear to be gearing up for impeachment. Rowland is accused of, among other things, making improvements to his Litchfield County vacation cottage which were paid for by "politically appointed state employees, friends and a state contractor" - and he admitted last week that he lied when he previously denied that accusation. Federal investigators are now looking into whether Rowland did favors in return for the freebies. In his public apology Rowland claimed that, "Over the course of the last month I have lived my own personal nightmare." Could have been worse I suppose - at least he got to live it in a renovated cottage.

Robert Novak
Whoops. Robert Novak has come under fire for after making "racially charged" statements on last week's Crossfire. While discussing Republican John Thune's challenge for Tom Daschle's Senate seat, Novak said, "In 2002, Thune would have been elected to the state's other Senate seat, but the election was stolen by stuffing ballot boxes on Indian reservations. Now, Tom Daschle may have to pay for that theft." James Carville replied, "Has Thune said that the Native Americans are election thieves?" Novak responded, "No, I said it." So there you have it, folks - according to traitorous CIA-operative-outer Robert Novak (see Idiots 129), Native Americans are election thieves. Funnily enough, this isn't the first time the Prince of Darkness has made this claim. Back on December 13, he said on Crossfire, "The Indians, they got the phony Indian votes out there." I wonder what Bob's problem is with Native Americans? I guess slaughtering most of them just wasn't enough for some people.

Robert Hamley
According to Robert Hamley, a woman's place is in the home - getting smacked around. The part-time Justice of Hunter Village, NY, resigned last week after he was accused of saying that "domestic violence cases are a waste of the court's time," and that, yes, "most women enjoy being abused and they asked to get 'smacked around.'" Welcome to the 21st Century, Mr. Hamley. May we suggest you take your head out of your butt? Hamley's lawyer, Sean Doolan, said that he wasn't going to defend the charges because it would be "too expensive." What, and not because he's ashamed of his dumbass conduct? No, according to Doolan, "After a long, distinguished career as a justice in the Hunter Village Court, Judge Hamley tendered his resignation Nov. 17 to the Hunter Village Board for personal reasons." Well personally speaking, I think Robert Hamley is an asshole.

Staples in Colrain, MA
Perhaps this story has something to do with the fact that Fox News has been scaring the crap out of Americans with the prominent "TERROR ALERT HIGH!" banner they've been displaying 24/7 for the last month. Julie Olearcek of Colrain, MA, got quite a fright recently when, as she was relaxing at home, a state trooper shone a flashlight through her window. And why did he do this? Simply because Julie had inquired about flight simulation software for her ten-year-old son at the local Staples store, and after she left they called the police. Nice going, idiots. Julie Olearcek is a 15-year Air Force Reserve pilot, her husband is also a pilot (who is currently on active duty), and their son is naturally keen to follow in the family footsteps. Not that that should make any difference - there are hundreds of thousands of avid flight simmers across the country. But for some reason the staff at Staples in Colrain seem to have been instructed to report to the police anyone buying flight sim software - or even showing an interest in buying flight sim software - despite the fact that Staples in Colrain STILL SELLS FLIGHT SIM SOFTWARE! I mean, if they're that worried about terrorists using PC flight sim software to train themselves to a proficient enough level where they can fly a plane into, I dunno, the Colrain Dollar Store, why don't they just take the damn software off the damn shelves? Or is it now company policy to waste the police's time making them follow up on every single person who expresses an interest in this popular hobby? Fer crying out loud...

Katherine Harris
Look out! Apparently not content with stealing the presidency and then winning a seat in Congress, Katherine Harris may be about to run for Senate. I guess fixing an election for your boss really does pay off. Harris would be running for Sen. Bob Graham's seat (Graham is retiring this year) and presumably expects her wonderful dual performance as Florida's secretary of state and co-chair of George W. Bush's election campaign in 2000 to help her carry the day. But while winning a seat in Congress is not so tough - even if it's in a heavily Republican district and you don't win it by a particularly large margin despite being one of the most famous Republicans in Florida - winning a Senate seat is a more daunting prospect. Are good looks, charm, and wit all Katherine Harris needs to win the seat? If so, she'd better get to work acquiring some good looks, charm and wit. Or are substance and gravitas key factors? Actually, you know what, don't worry about it. Katherine Harris has got about as much chance of becoming a Senator as I have of taking a trip to Moonbase Dubya.

The Conservative Club For Growth
And finally, congratulations to the Conservative Club for Growth who this week make their second appearance on the Top Ten list. The Club for Growth previously appeared back in Idiots 106 for running campaign ads against Republican moderates Olympia Snowe and George Voinovich because they voted against a Bush tax cut during the invasion of Iraq. The ads featured Snowe and Voinovich with French flags digitally inserted behind them. Get it?!?! Anyway, they're back on the list this week for deciding to interfere in the Democratic primary in Iowa, running an ad with a delightful script suggesting that "Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show back to Vermont, where it belongs." I guess the rantings of Ann Coulter and Sean Hannity have really borne fruit if this is what now passes for political debate in America. Still, since the Club for Growth has seen fit to run this ad, we now feel much more comfortable about telling them to keep their pitchfork-hoisting, hoedown-attending, moonshine-drinking, tractor-driving, dungaree-wearing, banjo-playing, pig-fucking, Clinton-penis-obsessing, right-wing freak show out of our primary process. See you next week!