The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 157)
May 24, 2004
The Spy Who Screwed Us Edition

Hey, guess what? Turns out the guy who told us there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq is an Iranian spy! Way to go, Bush Administration (1). There's also a rare appearance by a "Democrat" on this week's list - witness Zell Miller's (2) wonderful support for the Democratic nominee. Elsewhere, Saddam's Replacements (3) are back in action, the FDA (5) is cracking down on gays, and Rush Limbaugh (7) and Chuck Colson (8) have simply gone mad. Finally, George W. Bush (6, 9, 10) is a giant hypocrite, a terrible economist, and can't ride a bike. Enjoy, and as usual, don't forget the key!

The Bush Administration
Can the Bush administration be any more incompetent? You be the judge. Last week Iraqi police, backed up by American troops, raided the house of Iraqi Governing Council member Ahmad Chalabi and searched the offices of the Iraqi National Congress. Why? Because the INC are apparently a bunch of crooks. But that's not all - the administration now believes they have "rock solid" evidence that Chalabi and the INC have been passing secrets to Iran. Funny - the administration thought Chalabi was a pretty trustworthy guy when they were using him and the INC as sources of information about Saddam's alleged weapons of mass destruction (which is of course the reason Bush gave for invading Iraq in the first place). As it happens, that information turned out to be bullcrap - but until very recently the government continued to pay pots money to the INC anyway (see Idiots 145). So congratulations, Bush administration! You based your case for war on information passed to you by a convicted criminal who turned out to be an Iranian spy! Bet the Bushies feel a bit stupid for having him as a guest of honor at the 2004 State of the Union Address now. There is an interesting twist to this story though - it's possible that the Bush administration are severing ties with Chalabi because they still want him to rule Iraq and they figure that this is the best way to give him more credibility with the Iraqi people. Whichever way you look at it, this is a very dangerous game that Bush and Co. are playing.

Zell Miller
With friends like these... Zell "I'm A Real Democrat" Miller was back in action last week - stumping for George W. Bush. So that's what real Democrats do! They throw all their support behind the Republican party. Now I understand. First Miller read directly from the Rush Limbaugh handbook and called his party's nominee an "out-of-touch, ultraliberal from Taxachusetts" (how original), then called his record on national defense "shameful" before repeating the current Team Bush lie that Kerry voted "against every single major weapons system that won the Cold War." I mean, honestly. It's one thing for a "Democrat" like Miller to criticize Kerry, but when he starts literally cribbing from RNC fact sheets the guy might as well just paint a fucking elephant on his forehead and start ranting about femi-nazis. Fortunately though, he also demonstrated that his bizarre pronouncements are clearly the result of some kind of lobotomy gone wrong. Last week Miller compared the Abu Ghraib torture scandal to his gym class, saying, "The two times I think I have been most humiliated in my life was standing in a big room, naked as a jaybird with about fifty others and they were checking us out, now that was humiliating. It was humiliating showering with sixty others in a public shower. It didn't kill us did it? No one ever died from humiliation." Tell you what Zell, next time why don't you try it with your hands tied behind your back and a sack on your head while four Marines beat the living shit out of you? Don't forget to ask them to wire some electrodes to your nuts and stick a chemical light up your ass while they're at it. Oh, and one more thing - tell me again how humiliating Arabs is helping strengthen our national security?

Saddam's Replacements
There were more shocking photographs of abuse and torture at the Abu Ghraib prison on display last week, and more details of the treatment given to Iraqi prisoners of war. This included "prisoners being ridden like animals, sexually fondled by female soldiers and forced to retrieve their food from toilets," according to the Washington Post, not to mention being "pressed to denounce Islam" (hey - they are following Ann Coulter's advice!), being "force-fed pork and liquor," and being "sexually humiliated and assaulted, threatened with rape, and forced to masturbate in front of female soldiers." But don't worry folks, the handwringing over this is way overdone. In related news, an alert reader pointed out this interesting item which was noted way back in Idiots 77: "Is the Bush Administration soft on torture? Last week the UN held a vote on a protocol to provide strict monitoring of prisons and other facilities to verify that torture is not taking place. As democratic governments across Europe and Latin America lined up in support of the measure, the United States was opposed." Hmmm, now it all begins to make sense. Interestingly, in the last ten days or so, almost 800 prisoners were released from Abu Ghraib - many claiming to have been abused - and close to 400 more will be released May 28. That's about a fourth of the entire prison's population. Gee, they must have been in there for really serious offenses. Either that or we're releasing dangerous terrorists from prison now. I dunno, I have no clue what the hell's going on over there any more.

Gary Tripp
Bill Nevins was recently fired from the largest public high school in New Mexico. Why? Because he foolishly decided to help organize a school poetry club. Yeah, yeah, I know that organizing a school poetry club wasn't always a criminal offense in freedom-loving America, but remember - we're now living in the Century of the Wingnut. See, it turns out that one of Bill Nevins' students wrote a poem that criticized the war in Iraq and the Bush administration, which, in the Century of the Wingnut, is a crime apparently comparable to ritual Satanic child abuse. When Rio Rancho's military liaison officer heard the poem he complained to Principal Gary Tripp, who promptly suspended Bill Nevins and then fired him. The complaint? "Disrespectful speech." That's right - there were no obscenities nor incitements to violence in the poem, it was simply "disrespectful." But that's not all - Tripp then went on to ban the poetry club and classes in poetry. He also ordered the student's mother - who happens to be a teacher at Rio Rancho - to destroy her daughter's poetry. The mother refused, and now her job has been threatened too. But that's not all either! Tripp discovered that some art students had created satirical posters in class which criticized George W. Bush and promptly had the posters torn down, then refused to renew the contracts of art teachers who refused to participate in the destruction. Finally, at a school event Tripp apparently read a poem of his own which instructed those who disagreed with him to "Shut your faces." I do hope Gary Tripp's students have learned a valuable lesson from this incident - there's absolutely no place for dissent (or critical thinking) in the Century of the Wingnut. Heck, let's go shoot some poets! Who's with me?

The FDA
The FDA announced new rules last week which would prevent homosexual men from anonymously donating to sperm banks "in the name of preventing transmittable diseases," according to Yahoo News. Yes, despite the fact that there is a 72 hour test which will determine whether someone is HIV positive, despite the fact that straight men can also contract STDs, and despite the fact that the International Red Cross accepts blood donations from gay men, the Bush administration is stepping up its push to make sure that homosexuals are treated like second-class citizens. After May 25, "agencies that collect tissues or cells including sperm [must] ask the donor if he has had sex with men or used injectable drugs in the past five years. If the answer is affirmative in either case no donation is allowed." I mean, this is utterly ridiculous. So you show up to donate sperm or blood. They ask you if you've had gay sex or injected drugs in the last five years. You say "yes" and you're barred from donating. But if you say "no" then what - do they just take your sample on faith? Of course they don't - they test it to make sure it's safe. So if they're going to test it anyway, what's the point of asking the friggin' question in the first place? Oh wait - I know. It's to make homosexuals feel like sub-humans. Duh.

George W. Bush
While we're on the subject, last week George W. Bush was seen celebrating the 50th anniversary of the landmark Brown vs. Board of Education ruling which ended government-mandated racial segregation in schools. What a thrill it was to see Our Great Leader pontificating on the importance of civil rights and the bravery of the justices who made the decision. Later that day, in an ironic twist of space/time-bending proportions, Bush reiterated his call for a Constitutional amendment banning gay marriage, and ranted on about "activist judges" who are subverting our sacred traditions. What, you mean like the sacred tradition of segregated schools? Let's just hope it doesn't take 50 years for the nutjobs to come around this time.

Rush Limbaugh
Does Rush Limbaugh really have complete and utter contempt for the intelligence of his audience? I guess so! Rush claimed last week that the Abu Ghraib torture scandal is all the fault of - hold on to your hats - Bill Clinton. You just knew that was coming, didn't you? On his radio show the vulgar pigboy said, "the Democrats are claiming this is a chain-of-command thing, and they're trying to get this linked all the way to Bush ... If Bill Clinton were still in office, I could accept the notion this might come from the top and, in fact, depending on the age of these soldiers over there they may in fact be. How many stories have we had lately, oral sex is a great way to stop teen pregnancy? That oral sex is a great way to have safe sex, just had one this week. Who popularized oral sex for the nation? And who was defended day in and day out royally for doing so? Bill Clinton. And who defended him? The Democrats who now find all kinds of atrocities in these photos coming out of Abu Ghraib prison." Lord almighty, does Rush really believe that his listeners are this stupid? Bill Clinton "popularized oral sex?" You're kidding me. But there's more: "the very people who have defended the sexual revolution and have championed the so-called sexual revolution, who defended any kind of sexual perversion in the Oval Office when it was going on there when Bill Clinton was - those same people are now the ones who are raising holy hell themselves about how sick this is and how disgusting this is and how perverted this is." So there you have it. And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go bash my brains out.

Chuck Colson
But wait, stop the presses! Could there be a rift developing in the Republican party machine? Will conservatives soon be at one another's throats? No - I'm not talking about the recent articles about GOP infighting as Bush's poll numbers continue to slump - I'm talking about who's to blame for the Abu Ghraib torture scandal. And according to Chuck Colson of the Family Research Council, Bill Clinton is not to blame! Take that, Rush Limbaugh! Nope, Mr. Colson has an entirely different suspect in mind. Colson announced his shocking revelation at a recent pastor's briefing; the following day, FRC President Tony Perkins emailed supporters saying, "As Chuck Colson pointed out at yesterday's Pastors' Briefing, when you mix young people who grew up on a steady diet of MTV and pornography with a prison environment, you get the abuse at Abu Ghraib." So there, Limbaugh. This is clearly MTV's fault, not Bill Clinton's. Stick that in your crackpipe and smoke it.

George W. Bush
When Our Great Leader visited a Timken Corporation research center in Canton, Ohio, last year, he had stood in front of big banner which read "Jobs and Growth" and said, the "greatest strength of the American economy is found right here, right in this room, found in the pride and skill of the American work force." Uh, right. Well, according to the Washington Post, "Last week, Timken announced that the folks right there in that room are getting fired." That's right - a year after Bush touted Timken as a glowing example of why his economic policies are so great for America, Timken announced that it would be laying off up to 1,300 workers and closing down three major factories. Way to go, Chimpster.

George W. Bush
And finally, if you need any more proof that Our Great Leader is unstable, check this out: According to Reuters, "President Bush suffered minor abrasions after falling off a mountain bike on his Texas ranch on Saturday, the White House said." That's right - clearly George W. Bush has a balance problem. Top Ten readers will recall that Dubya fell off a Segway back in June of 2003 (see Idiots 114) - and those are supposed to be un-fall-offable - and now he's nose-dived off a bicycle. "The 57-year-old Republican president had cycled 16 miles of a 17-mile afternoon bike course when he toppled over while riding downhill on soil loosened by recent rainfall, White House spokesman Trent Duffy told reporters." Yeah right - he probably fell on his ass as soon as they took the training wheels off. Either that or he decided a quick pre-ride pretzel wouldn't do any harm.

The Top Ten will be taking a break for the Memorial Day holiday. We'll see you in two weeks.