The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 198)

May 16, 2005
Tawdry Edition

Spring is obviously in the air - it's been a surprisingly strong week for revelations of conservative sexual impropriety. John Bolton (1) is allegedly quite the swinger, David Hager (4) has apparently not been practicing what he preaches, and Neal Horsley (5) has got to be the freakiest conservative idiot ever. Elsewhere George W. Bush (2) is way out of the loop, Dennis Miller (7) and Chan Chandler (8) are looking for work, and The Robber Barons (9) are sitting pretty. This week is a special pictorial edition of the Top Ten Conservative Idiots, so enjoy, and as usual don't forget the key!

John Bolton
Last week the Senate Foreign Relations Committee voted to advance the nomination of John R. Bolton - Bush's famously angry pick for U.N. ambassador - to a full vote in the Senate. (If you're wondering what Bolton's middle initial stands for, it's RRRRRRRR.) Interestingly though, they advanced the nomination "without recommendation," which means that a couple of the Foreign Relations Committee's Republicans want to give him a chance in the Senate but still think he's a jackhole. However, the big news of the past week was porn king Larry Flynt's sordid allegations about Bolton's past. Flynt claimed to have proof that during the '70s Bolton was a regular at the famous sex club Plato's Retreat. Wow, talk about the ultimate mustache ride!

Bolton: "The ladies love a man with
something to hang on to."

Flynt also alleges that the reason Bolton's first wife left in 1982 (taking most of the furniture with her, apparently) was that she was fed up with him forcing her to attend orgies. Jeez, I mean, the poor guy was just trying to involve his wife in his hobby. Mind you, this could explain why Bolton is so famously angry these days - perhaps he just needs a bit of group sex every so often to blow off some steam. I think that if the Senate approves his nomination they should definitely make some "special arrangements" so that he doesn't, you know, punch the Dutch ambassador in the face or something.

George W. Bush
Run! Run for your lives! Last week the Capitol Building, the White House, and the U.S. Supreme Court building were evacuated when a couple of lost Bush supporters in a Cessna light aircraft strayed into Washington D.C.'s no fly zone. Laura Bush was rushed into a secure bunker, Dick Cheney was hustled from one undisclosed location to another, F-16 fighter jets buzzed the capitol and fired warning flares at the disoriented airmen. It was all very exciting. Fortunately there was one person who wasn't interrupted by all this mayhem - Our Great Leader, George W. Bush. Turns out Bush was too busy riding a bike around Maryland to be bothered with such things as, oh, the possibly imminent death of his wife.

Bush: "Sorry, did I miss something?"

Yup - believe it or not, Bush wasn't told about the evacuation of 30,000 people in the middle of D.C. until the all-clear was sounded. And according to press secretary Scott McClellan, that's perfectly normal. Scott told the press last week that, "He was not in danger, a situation where protocols have been put in place to address the situation. The protocols were followed." In fact, Scott uncomfortably lauded the protocols several times, even to questions like, "Might there be something wrong with protocols that render the president unnecessary when the alarm is going off at his house?" Still, even if the president didn't need to know that someone was about to crash an airplane on his front lawn, it made for great breathless cable news coverage - which was especially convenient coming on the same day that...

The Bush Administration
...Tom Ridge finally admitted what everyone already knew: government-issued terror alerts are used for partisan political purposes. Yes, in the latest in a long line of damning revelations by former Bush cabinet members, Ridge complained last week that "he often disagreed with administration officials who wanted to elevate the threat level to orange, or 'high' risk of terrorist attack, but was overruled," according to USA Today. Overruled? Overruled by whom? Let's see. Tom Ridge was the head of Homeland Security. That means he was the number one head honcho in charge of the safety of the nation - aside of course from the Commander-in-Chief, George W. Bush, who, as we have already established, is not even informed when someone's about to fly a plane into his house. So if Ridge wasn't in charge of deciding when to raise the alert level, who was? We'll give you a clue:

Rove: "It was me! I did it!"

David Hager
But let's get back to the sexcapades. It was revealed last week that Dr. David Hager, Bush appointee to the Advisory Committee for Reproductive Health Drugs in the Food and Drug Administration, apparently liked to forcibly sodomize his wife. This is in fact according to said wife Linda Carruth Davis, who spent the last seven years of their 32 year marriage literally taking it up the ass. "I probably wouldn't have objected so much, or felt it was so abusive if he had just wanted normal [vaginal] sex all the time," she said, "But it was the painful, invasive, totally nonconsensual nature of the [anal] sex that was so horrible."

Hager: "Trust me, I'm a doctor."

Now, just to be clear, David Hager is a Focus on the Family stooge who has written dubious books about female sexuality (books such as Stress and the Woman's Body and As Jesus Cared for Women) and likes to publicly moralize about the culture war that evil liberals are waging on good Christians such as himself. I dunno, it's just my opinion, but perhaps he should have spent more time focusing on the family and less time anally raping his wife.

Neal Horsley
And if you think that's bad - which it is - check this out: Neal Horsley, infamous pro-life militant and occasional spokesman for the fundy terrorist organization "Army of God" admitted to Alan Colmes last week that he had had sex with a mule. Seriously. And the strange thing was, Horsley seemed to think that everyone else did that sort of thing, and the only reason that city-folk didn't know about it was because they were so out of touch with rural values. What a crackpot! Here's a partial transcript from Alan Colmes' radio show:

Colmes: Is it true?

Horsley: Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I...

Colmes: You had sex with animals?

Horsley: Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.

Colmes: I'm not so sure that that is so.

Horsley: You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?

Colmes: Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?

Horsley: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm...

...

Horsley: You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it.

Don't believe it? I wasn't sure myself until I heard the tape. Click here for Horsley's full audio deviancy.

Mule: "Oh, you know you want it."

The Bush Administration
Guess what, Republicans? You've been scammed. At the end of the Cold War, the Reagan administration requested cuts in military spending. You ought to remember that - those were the cuts that John Kerry voted for, that the Karl Rove Smear Machine ruined him with last year. During the Clinton years, military spending continued its slow decline, as per the recommendations of the previous administrations. And what did the right-wing do? Constantly whine about how Clinton was hurting the military. Then, as soon as George W. Bush came into power, well everything was hunky-dory. Here's a president who really loves the military! Never mind the cuts in veterans benefits. Never mind the cuts in combat pay. Never mind the cuts in family-separation allowances. Why, George W. Bush just loves the military. He was even good enough to send them over to Iraq where only 1600 of them have been killed so far with no end in sight. And what's Bush's latest move to demonstrate how much he loves the military? Let's ask him:

Bush: "Plane? What plane?"

Okay, I'll tell you then. Last week the Bush administration announced that they would be closing 150 military installations from Maine to Hawaii, including 33 major bases. If approved, this could lead to 26,187 lost jobs. That's how much George W. Bush loves the military. Meanwhile Donald Rumsfeld is going around bragging that these closures will save us $48.8 billion over the next 20 years - that's $2.4 billion per year. Good job. Know how long it takes us to spend $2.4 billion in Iraq? Slightly less than 14 days.

Dennis Miller
Poor old Dennis Miller. From the peak of his powers at the desk of Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, to the booth of Monday Night Football, to political commentator on Fox News, to a show nobody watched on CNBC... it's all been downhill for Dennis since he decided to hitch his wagon to an ass named George W. Bush. Last week it was revealed that Mr. Miller's CNBC show has been canceled, a revelation which brought cheers and jeers from - well, nobody, because nobody watched it. Ah well, I guess he's still got the NetZero commercials. For now.

Miller: "I'm outta here!"

Chan Chandler
But Dennis Miller wasn't the only one out of a job last week. In Idiots 197 we noted that Chan Chandler, pastor of East Waynesville Baptist Church, NC, had shitcanned half of his congregation after deciding that they must repent if they voted for John Kerry. Last week Chandler quit after a firestorm of protest. He insisted to the last that he "did not make political endorsements," according to the New York Times - but that's not what his congregation said. The Times reported that "Tensions had escalated last week, when several members said Chandler called a meeting of the church's board of deacons and declared his intention for East Waynesville to become a politically active church."

Chandler: "Hey, at least I'm not anally raping my wife."

Of course, Chandler also took one last opportunity to demonstrate the ridiculous hypocrisy behind his decision: "This never has been about politics," he said. "It's always been about whether the Bible applies to the entire life of a Christian." So I guess for Chandler that means using his church to support a guy who executed 152 Texas prisoners in six years, started a seemingly endless war which has so far killed tens of thousands of innocent civilians (collateral damage must be one of Chandler's Christian values), and who hurts the poor to profit the rich. Okay... whatever.

The Robber Barons
While we're on the subject of hurting the poor, let's take a quick look at some economic news from last week. It turns out that while consumer prices are rising and wages remain comparatively stagnant for the middle class, CEOs are getting quite the windfall. Did you know that the chief executives of the 500 largest U.S. corporations received an average pay raise of 54% last year? Nice huh? But to be fair, it's only because they're doing such a great job screwing the consumer. For example, while health care premiums are steadily increasing and health care benefits are steadily decreasing, the third-highest paid CEO last year made $124.8 million. Who is he? William McGuire of UnitedHealth Group, America's biggest insurance company. Or take CEO Ray Gilmartin of Merck, who received a "performance-based bonus" in 2004 despite the fact that Merck stock fell by 28 percent. And the real kick in the face? These guys didn't just get a 54% pay raise - they also made out like bandits from George W. Bush's tax cuts for the rich. So while Our Great Leader tries to take away your Social Security safety net and you're struggling to pay your bills this summer, spare a thought for the poor underprivileged CEOs. And remember: according to Chan Chandler and Co., this is just what Jesus would have wanted.

CEO: "Don't blame me, it's the will of God!"

Dumb And Dumber And Friends
And finally, Kansas's debate on science vs. stupidity came to a head last week when proponents of so-called "intelligent design" testified against current science standards at the State Board of Education's evolution hearings. There was just one problem: none of them had actually read the current science standards. Could this situation be any more ridiculous? You've got a bunch of people who want to dictate the way that science should be taught to children, but they can't even be bothered to read the documents involved. I mean, come on. What's next? The sun revolves around the earth? Electricity is magic? Thunderstorms happen when God gets angry? Someone should do a scientific study to find out if it's possible for these folks to actually get any more ignorant.

Chimp: "If there's no such thing as evolution,
then how did I get to be President of the United States?"

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