The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 210)

August 15, 2005
We All Live Near A Yellow Smear Machine Edition

All eyes were on Crawford last week, as Cindy Sheehan, the mother of an American soldier who died in Iraq, continued her vigil and George W. Bush (1) did his best to ignore her. As Bush enjoyed his vacation, his chickenhawk buddies in the Right-Wing Smear Machine (2) did his dirty work for him. Meanwhile, the Pentagon (3,4) seemed to be engaging in some partisan hijinx. Jeanine Pirro (6), Republican candidate for U.S. Senate from New York, kicked off her campaign with some classic conservative idiocy. And Counterlibe, Inc., (10) the folks responsible for the Counter Clinton Library, finally threw in the towel. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!

George W. Bush
All Cindy Sheehan wants to hear from George W. Bush is why the war that took her son's life was started, and why it is still going on. Unfortunately she's not going to get an answer from George W. Bush, because he's a yellow coward.

Last week, however, Bush did acknowledge Cindy's vigil, saying at a press conference:

You know, listen, I sympathize with Mrs. Sheehan. She has every right in the world to say what she believes. This is America. I also have heard the voices of those saying, "Pull out now," and I've thought about their cry, and their sincere desire to reduce the loss of life by pulling our troops out. I just strongly disagree. Pulling the troops out would send a terrible message.

Um, wait a minute - that doesn't answer Cindy's question at all. Yes, as usual Bush completely missed the point and ventured off somewhere into Bizarroworld.

But there is one sure-fire way that Cindy Sheehan could get all the face-time she wants with the president - by simply donating $25,000 to the Republican party. See, while Bush is too chickenshit to meet with the mother of a soldier who died in Iraq, he did meet with a group of his rich buddies last week.

According to the Houston Chronicle, "Some 230 people were attending the fund-raiser at Stan and Kathy Hickey's Broken Spoke Ranch, a 478-acre spread next to Bush's ranch. All have contributed at least $25,000 to the RNC, and many are 'rangers,' an honorary campaign title bestowed on those who raised $200,000 or more for Bush, or 'pioneers,' those who have raised $100,000 or more."

Here's Bush driving past Camp Casey on his way to the party. He didn't bother to stop to talk to Cindy:

So there you have it. Want some accountability from the president of the United States? Dubya won't give you the time of day. Donated $25,000 to the Republican party? Step right up and shake hands with Our Great Leader! That, right there, pretty much sums up the "morals and values" of today's Republican party and the Bush administration.

And there's more - on Saturday, Bush made perhaps the least compassionate statement of his five year presidency:

Whether it be here or in Washington or anywhere else, there's somebody who has got something to say to the president, that's part of the job. And I think it's important for me to be thoughtful and sensitive to those who have got something to say. But I think it's also important for me to go on with my life, to keep a balanced life.

Well I'm glad that Our Great Leader finds it so easy to go on with his life, when his policies have ended the lives of so many others and wrecked thousands more. I guess he's finally given up even pretending to care.

The Right-Wing Smear Machine
Ah, those noble right-wing chickenhawks. For these folks, smearing the grieving mother of a soldier who was killed in Iraq is all in a day's work. Last week conservative media shills did their best to drag Cindy Sheehan's name through the mud, and the usual suspects were leading the charge.

First, Matt Drudge lambasted Cindy for apparently approving of George W. Bush earlier in 2004, and then criticizing him later. Nice try. Not only was the story cobbled together by taking quotes wildly out of context, but as Cindy herself put it, "Why do the right wing media so assiduously scrutinize the words of a grief filled mother and ignore the words of a lying president?" Well quite.

Meanwhile, conservative talk radio hosts have been transporting their dittoheads to Camp Casey to jeer at Sheehan. Meet Mike Gallagher:

Mike Gallagher is the leader of Gallagher's Army, a "charitable organization" which appears to be mostly dedicated to promoting, um, Mike Gallagher. And in case you were wondering, no, Gallagher has never served a day in his life, and yes, he sure does like to play dress-up.

Mind you, these guys had nothing on Bill O'Reilly who enjoyed a backpatting smearfest with Michelle Malkin on O'Reilly's Fox News show last week. Here's Falafel Boy:

I think Mrs. Sheehan bears some responsibility for this and also for the responsibility of other American families who have lost sons and daughters in Iraq, who feel that this kind of behavior borders on treasonous. ... She has thrown in -- there is no question that she has thrown in with the most radical elements in this country. ... And, you know, there are some people who hate this government, hate their country right now, and blaming Bush for all the terrorism and all the horror in the world.

Congratulations, Bill. I think you might officially be the most black-hearted scumbag on the planet. And with the company you keep, that's saying something.

The Pentagon
What better way to mourn the loss of 3,000 people on September 11, 2001, than to hold a great big pro-Iraq-War rally in the middle of Washington DC? Despite all the evidence showing that Iraq had nothing whatsoever to do with 9/11 - evidence which even Our Great Leader has agreed with - the two are still firmly intertwined in the minds of the Bush administration.

So grab yer walking shoes, because on September 11 this year the Pentagon is holding a fabulous state-sponsored display of patriotism (funny, I thought they only did things like that in places like North Korea and China) to be known as the America Supports You Freedom Walk. According to the Department of Defense's website, the walk will start in "the Pentagon South parking lot, near the site where the airliner crashed into the Pentagon on 9/11. The walk route will consist of a two-mile trek through Arlington National Cemetery, over the Potomac River, and will end by the reflecting pool on the National Mall." Where, glory of glories, all you lucky freedom walkers will be serenaded by Clint Black.

Again according to the DoD site, "'America Supports You' is a nationwide program launched by the Defense Department with the goal of highlighting how Americans across the country are supporting the men and women of the armed forces." Personally I'm supporting the men and women of the armed forces by forwarding the concept that if they were withdrawn from Iraq sooner rather than later, fewer of them would die or be multilated. But I don't imagine the Pentagon will be "highlighting" that idea any time soon. I wonder if it would help if I listened to Clint Black?

And just to remind us all of the cherished freedoms we take for granted, in order to participate with in the Freedom Walk, you'll have to register with the Department of Defense. That's right! Required fields include: name, age group, street address, city, state and zip, email address, AND your telephone number.

And, freedom fans, don't forget:

After you submit your registration, you will receive a receipt with a registration number. Please print out this receipt and bring it with you to the Pentagon South Parking to check-in before the event. You MUST have your registration number to check-in!

Hmm, so let me get this straight - the Pentagon wants your name, age, address, and telephone number, and then they're going to send you on a two mile walk... why do I smell a massive 9/11 Freedom Walk recruitment dragnet?

The Pentagon
The Pentagon did something really strange last week, even by their standards: they fired a four-star general for having an affair. First, a few facts. General Kevin Byrnes was the third most senior of the Army's four-star generals. The woman he was having a relationship with was not a member of the military. In fact, Byrnes was legally separated from his wife at the time of the relationship, and is now divorced. Byrnes was in the Army for 36 years, and was three months from retirement.

So what's going on here? I'll be honest... we don't know - but this certainly seems somewhat curious. According to the Washington Post, this is "apparently the only such demotion of a four-star general in modern times." Is there more to the story than meets the eye? Assuredly.

But for now we'll just have to stick to what we know, and what we know is that while the Bush administration steadfastly refuses to discipline military commanders who were and are responsible for Geneva Convention violations including torture and murder at Abu Ghraib prison, Guantanamo Bay, and elsewhere, they will take extreme measures to punish four-star generals who privately make love to other women while on the brink of getting divorced from their wives. Well thank goodness for that.

Tucker Carlson
Did you know that Tucker Carlson is a big fan of state-sponsored terrorism? Why yes he is! Greenpeace had to make a complaint to the Federal Communications Commission last week after Tucker gave props to the French agents who blew up the Greenpeace ship Rainbow Warrior in 1985.

On his show "The Situation," Bowtie Boy told his audience that he was "objectively pro-France. You know, France blew up the Rainbow Warrior, that Greenpeace ship in Auckland Harbor in the '80s. ... It won me over." Shortly afterwards he added that the destruction of the ship - which resulted in the death of a Greenpeace photographer - was "a bold and good thing to do."

However, since this happened on "The Situation" the question most worth asking is probably, "If Tucker Carlson endorses terrorism on a show that nobody watches, did it really happen?"

Jeanine Pirro
Time to add another name to the list of conservatives who will soon be consigned to the dustbin of history - meet Jeanine Pirro, who announced last week that she will challenge Hillary Clinton for her New York senate seat in 2006.

Pirro is a District Attorney in Westchester County and a frequent Fox News contributor - which, aside from the Hillary factor, explains why Fox has been going ga-ga over her candidacy all week. What else? Well, her husband was convicted of tax fraud in 2000, while he was married to Jeanine he had a child with another woman, and it was recently alleged (by a Mafia informant, no less) that he leaked confidential material from a Westchester District Attorney investigation. I wonder how Republicans will square this information with, "But, but, but, Hillary is married to BILL CLINTON!"

To be fair though, Hillary should probably be careful. She'll certainly need to watch out for Ms. Pirro's killer on-camera persona and cool-headed charm. Courtesy of Crooks and Liars, here she is making her big announcement speech last week in a work entitled, "Has Anyone Got Page 10?" (Click here for the video!)

Oh yes - one more thing. During her announcement speech Pirro said, "I have taken on the mob." Unfortunately for her, the New York Daily News reported last week that she has actually "pocketed nearly $12,000 in campaign checks from firms and associates with alleged links to organized crime." Whoops.

Jack Abramoff
Tom DeLay once referred to lobbyist Jack Abramoff as "one of my closest and dearest friends." Well they say you can judge a man by the company he keeps - Abramoff was indicted last week on fraud charges and forced to give up his passport.

According to the Associated Press:

The six-count federal indictment unsealed in Fort Lauderdale alleges that Abramoff, 40, and a partner, Adam Kidan, 36, of New York, faked a $23 million wire transfer to defraud two lenders out of some $60 million to finance the $147 million purchase of SunCruz Casinos from Konstantinos "Gus" Boulis in September 2000. The deal ultimately collapsed and Boulis, 51, was killed five months later in an apparent hit. The shooting is unsolved.

Wow. And this is a guy that the Republican House Majority Leader calls one of his closest and dearest friends? I am shocked, shocked I tell ya.

Not really. Actually I'm not surprised in the slightest.

Sean Hannity
I have to mention this story because it's quite simply the best dis of Sean Hannity ever. Not so long ago, the Brooklyn indie band Kids Against Combs decided to name their new album after Hannity's home phone number, which at the time was (631) 673-8003. Obviously Hannity had to change his number (it's now unlisted).

But last week it was revealed that Hannity was actually "threatening to sue both parties [Kids Against Combs and their record label] if they proceeded with releasing an album named after Hannity's home phone number and containing the political pundit's home address in the CD's liner notes," according to the Boston Phoenix.

Don't worry though - despite the fact that Kids Against Combs were forced to change the title of their album, they came up with an even better one. So next time you're in your local record store, keep an eye out for The Album Formerly Known As Sean Hannity’s Phone Number ... Currently Sean Hannity Is a Democracy Subverting Douche-Bag.

Yes, that's really what it's called!

CNN
On August 4th, Robert Novak said "Well I think that's bullshit" and walked out of the CNN studio, live on air. I still get goosebumps just thinking about it. Ah yes...

But anyway, immediately after Novak's hissyfit, CNN suspended him indefinitely, saying that his behavior was "inexcusable and unacceptable." A CNN spokeswoman said, "We've asked Mr. Novak to take some time off," and the network apologized to its viewers for the cranky conservative columnist's bullshit explosion.

However, it seems that CNN's idea of an "indefinite suspension" is about 26 hours, as they posted Novak's syndicated column on their website on August 5th. And - why, yes - they published his column on August 11th too. With a little picture of him on the front page of their Politics section, no less.

C'mon CNN - if you don't want Robert Novak saying "bullshit" on your TV shows, do us a favor and get his bullshit off your website as well.

Counterlibe Inc.
And finally, "ha ha" of the week goes to the folks behind the Counter Clinton Library in Little Rock, Arkansas. A few years ago Richard Erickson and friends stirred up a frenzy of interest in the conservative media - and in Bob Barr's pants - when they announced plans to build a museum slamming Bill Clinton just down the road from the Clinton Presidential Library.

But all good things must come to an end, and sadly Mr. Erickson announced last week that his non-profit organization Counterlibe Inc. was on the brink of collapse. What Mr. Erickson actually said was, "I'm giving up."

It turns out that despite all the grandiose promises, Erickson and Co. couldn't actually raise enough money to get the project off the ground. The good news is that Mr. Erickson will now be able to spend a lot more time on his new project, building a 150-foot-tall stone replica of George W. Bush's massive, virile penis on the Washington Mall. I hear it plays the national anthem and shoots fireworks from the tip every hour on the hour. See you next week!

 

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