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The Top 10 Conservative Idiots
(No. 218)
October 17, 2005
Stage-Managed Edition
 Conservative
woes increased last week as George W. Bush (1) made a fool of himself
during a live teleconference, leaving Scott McClellan (2) in the
line of fire. Meanwhile the Department of Homeland of Security (3)
has been scaring people, Harriet Miers' (4) personal papers were
released, and the the Department of Defense (5) are screwing the
troops. Elsewhere, Tom DeLay (6) is still in trouble, Ann Coulter
(9) demonstrates conservative integrity, and John McCain (10) plays
the hypocrite. Enjoy, and don't forget the key!
 George
W. Bush 
What's a president to do when faced with growing public discontentment
and crashing poll numbers? If you're George W. Bush, the answer
is clear: try to focus the nation's attention away from what a jackass
you are, and regain some of that pre-election military mojo.
Which is exactly what Our Great Leader attempted to do last week,
holding a live teleconference with some troops from the 42nd Infantry
Division, all of whom coincidentally happened
to agree with all of the Bush administration's current talking
points on Iraq.
Here's George, participating in a totally spontaneous back and
forth chat with the troops:
Wait a minute... the president appears to have dyed his hair. And
lost some height. And turned into a woman.
Okay, you got me. That's not George W. Bush, that's Allison Barber
of the Defense Department. And what was she doing there? Unfortunately
for the Bush administration, the answer was revealed by the raw
satellite feed streamed to news outlets before the teleconference
began. The feed showed Ms. Barber carefully coaching
the troops on what Bush was going to say, the techniques they
should use when responding, and giving them an opportunity to rehearse
their answers. Some choice quotes:
"Master Sergeant Lombardo, when you're talking about the
president coming to see you in New York, take a little breath
before that so you can actually be talking directly to him. You've
got a real message there, okay?"
(snip)
"If the question comes up about partnering how often do we train
with the Iraqi military who does he go to?"
(snip)
"...if we're going to talk a little bit about the folks
in Tikrit the hometown and how they're handling the political
process, who are we going to give that to?"
(snip)
"But if he gives us a question that's not something that
we've scripted, Captain Kennedy, you're going to have that mic,
and that's your chance to impress us all."
Hmmm. "Not something we've scripted," eh?
Funnily enough, even though the event was totally stage-managed
and pre-packaged, Our Great Leader still managed to make a complete
hash of it. Bush forgot about the satellite delay and talked
across soldiers, stumbled over words and phrases (as usual), offered
a completely disingenuous invitation for the troops to drop by and
visit him any time they're in Washington, and at one point lost
his earpiece. I mean, check out this exchange:
THE PRESIDENT: Let me ask you something. Were you there
when I came to New York?
SERGEANT LOMBARDO: Yes, I was, Mr. President.
THE PRESIDENT: I thought you looked familiar.
SERGEANT LOMBARDO: Well, thank you.
THE PRESIDENT: I probably look familiar to you, too.
You know, sometimes I think the word "asshat" was invented
specifically for George W. Bush.
 Scott
McClellan 
But it was Scott McClellan who took the brunt of Bush's
tomfoolery at the White House press conference which followed
the teleconference. Unfortunately for Scott, he didn't know that
the reporters already knew that the
event was staged. Hilarity ensued:
Q: Scott, why did the administration feel it was necessary
to coach the soldiers that the President talked to this morning
in Iraq?
SCOTT McCLELLAN: I'm sorry, I don't know what you're suggesting.
(snip)
Q: ...we asked you specifically this morning if there
would be any screening of questions or if they were being told
in any way what they should say or do, and you indicated no.
SCOTT McCLELLAN: I don't think that's what the question
was earlier today. I think the question earlier today was asking
if they could ask whatever they want, and I said, of course, the
President was - and you saw -
Q: And I asked if they were pre-screened.
SCOTT McCLELLAN: You saw earlier today the President was
trying to engage in a back-and-forth with the troops...
(snip)
Q: But I also asked this morning, were they being told
by their commanders what to say or what to do, and you indicated,
no. Was there any prescreening of -
SCOTT McCLELLAN: I'm not aware of any such - any such
activities that were being undertaken...
Worst. Press Secretary. Ever.
By the way, don't miss this Keith Olbermann segment on Bush's teleconference
travesty - I promise you won't be disappointed!
Olbermann
Part One
Olbermann
Part Two
Olbermann
Part Three
Videos hosted by CanOFun.com.
 The
Department of Homeland Security 
Unlike Mike Brown, Keith Olbermann's been doing a heck of a
job lately. As well as his hilarious exposé of Our Great
Leader's Giant Stupid Teleconference, Olbermann reported last week
on "The
Nexus of Politics and Terror," citing numerous occasions
when the Department of Homeland Security raised the terror alert
level immediately following either bad news for the administration,
or a speech on terror by George Bush.
Former Homeland Security head Tom Ridge outright admitted back
in May of this year that during his tenure "he often disagreed
with administration officials who wanted to elevate the threat level
to orange, or 'high' risk of terrorist attack, but was overruled"
(see Idiots 198).
But that didn't stop the administration from trying to pull the
same tired old trick in New York City last week, causing New Yorkers
to... well, yawn and go about their business as usual.
We commented recently (see Idiots 217)
on George W. Bush's "major speech" on Iraq and the war
on terror at the National Endowment for Democracy, which basically
involved him gabbing on and on about 9/11 (again). Just seven hours
after that speech, a bomb threat warning was issued by New York
City officials.
According to Olbermann's blog, the warning was "based on information
supplied by the Federal Government," but it was later revealed
that "a Homeland Security spokesman says the intelligence upon
which the disclosure is based is 'of doubtful credibility.'"
That intelligence was subsequently determined to be a hoax.
But that's just the tip of the iceberg: it seems that not only
was the warning based on a hoax, but "The city's rich and well-connected
were tipped off to last week's subway terror threat days before
average New Yorkers," according
to the New York Daily News:
At least two E-mails revealing the purported plot were sent to
a select crowd of business and arts executives early last week
by New Yorkers who claimed to have close connections to Homeland
Security and other federal officials, authorities said.
The NYPD confirmed that it learned of the E-mails on Oct. 3 -
three days before Mayor Bloomberg, Police Commissioner Raymond
Kelly and the FBI went public with the threat.
But surely it was mere coincidence that despite days of
foreknowledge the warnings were announced just hours after Bush's
big speech on terrorism. And the fact that terror warnings have
coincidentally followed bad news for Bush or big terrorism speeches
on multiple occasions - well, um, that must be a coincidence too.
 Harriet
Miers 
It looks like Harriet Miers is qualified after all! Perhaps
not qualified to be a Supreme Court justice, admittedly, but certainly
highly qualified to lick George W. Bush's boots.
Last week a handful of Miers' personal papers were released by
the Texas State Library, "most of them routine legal memos,
press releases and transcripts," according
to Knight Ridder. But among those papers were a few personal
notes from Miers to Bush, which reveal... well, let's see:
"You are the best governor ever - deserving of great respect!"
- Harriet Miers
"Cool!" - Harriet Miers
"You are the best!" - Harriet Miers
Can you imagine if she'd been on the court in 2000?
...in a Presidential election the clearly expressed intent
of the legislature must prevail. And there is no basis for reading
the Florida statutes as requiring the counting of improperly marked
ballots, as an examination of the Florida Supreme Court's textual
analysis shows that George W. Bush is the best governor ever -
deserving of respect! We will not parse that analysis here, except
to note that the principal provision of the election code on which
it relied, §101.5614(5), was, as the Chief Justice pointed
out in his dissent from Harris II, "cool."
 The
Department of Defense 
Scenario: you volunteer to serve your country in the armed forces.
You're sent to Iraq, where a bomb takes one of your hands, and your
ability to walk. You're shipped back to America to face a long,
arduous recovery at Walter Reed Army Medical Center. What happens
next?
If you're Robert Loria of Middletown, NY, here's what happens:
- Your pay rate is downgraded because you're out of the war zone.
- Your wages are garnished because some of your equipment is unaccounted
for.
- The army sends you a bill for $6,200 just before Christmas.
- Three months later a collection agency comes after you because
you owe $646 for military housing.
This is apparently because, according
to the Washington Post, "the government's computerized
pay system is designed to 'maximize debt collection' and has operated
without a way to keep bills from going to the wounded."
Now why am I not surprised? So much for "supporting the troops."
 Tom
DeLay 
There was more bad news for Tom DeLay this week - according
to the Austin American-Stateman, "Travis County
prosecutors want to know how U.S. Rep. Tom DeLay, R-Sugar Land,
purchased a 2004 Toyota Sienna minivan, subpoenaing all records
surrounding the transaction, as well as telephone records from Delay,
his campaign and his daughter."
The new subpoenas raise further questions - and not just about
DeLay's alleged money-laundering activities. For example, why would
someone so staunchly pro-American buy a Japanese car? And what would
a manly Texas dude like DeLay want with the soccer mom's vehicle
of choice?
Perhaps he was attracted to the 230-horsepower V-6 engine which,
according
to U.S. News and World Report, "shows a lot of chutzpah."
And of course there's always the "numerous configurations that
let you fold down any or all of the seats, depending on your hauling/chaufeurring
needs," which would make it super-convenient for moving lobbyists,
golf clubs, and tote-bags filled with non-sequential hundred dollar
bills.
Top 10 Conservative Idiots exclusive: thanks to a talented
DU cameraman with an extremely long lens, we have obtained this
photograph of DeLay's actual 2004 Toyota Sienna:
The Pentagon
I just thought you should know that according
to Fox News, "Pentagon officials are denying that a live
video conference between President Bush and U.S. troops in Iraq
was staged."
In a related story, Milli Vanilli want their Grammys reinstated.
 Lou
Beres
Won't somebody think of the children? Lou Beres, "longtime
head of the Christian Coalition of Oregon," apparently has
been. Last week he stepped down from his position and said he will
"withdraw from political life" after he was accused of
sexual abuse by three of his relatives.
According
to the Seattle Times:
The three women - now adults - allege they were abused by Beres
as preteens. Their families called the child abuse hot line last
month, after the three openly discussed the alleged abuse for
the first time.
"I was molested," one of the women, now in her 50s,
told The Oregonian. "I was victimized and I've suffered all
my life for it. I'm still afraid to be in the same room with him."
According to their website,
"The Christian Coalition of Oregon is committed to representing
the pro-family agenda and educating America on the critical issues
facing our society."
Perhaps someone should explain to Lou Beres that "pro-family"
doesn't mean "banging your pre-teen relatives."
 Ann
Coulter 
Ann Coulter revealed the full extent of her integrity last week
on Sean Hannity's radio show and you'll be unsurprised to learn
that, yes, Ann Coulter has no integrity.
During a conversation with Hannity and Brent Bozell, Coulter remarked
that the administration is not telling the truth about the Harriet
Miers nomination. "They're treating us like liberals lying
to us," she said. "When they lie to conservatives, we
have a problem."
So there you have it - Ann Coulter admits that the administration
is a bunch of liars, it's just that when she thought they were only
lying to liberals it was perfectly acceptable. Now they're lying
to conservatives, it's a big problem.
I hate to tell you this Ann, but if you think that the administration
hasn't been lying to conservatives for the last four years about
everything from ending abortion to banning gay marriage to reducing
the size of government to spreading glorious freedom across the
Middle East, then you're dumber than I thought.
Which is saying something.
 John
McCain
And finally, Sen. John McCain criticized Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger
last week for holding "carefully staged campaign events,"
according
to Reuters. "The benefit of an open town hall meeting is
one that you get to hear a lot of different views, and two it has
credibility," said McCain.
McCain's words recall his criticism of George W. Bush's carefully
staged town hall meetings during this year's failed Social Security
tour, where people identified as Democrats were barred
from attending. The Washington Post reported
back in March that "McCain has been especially supportive of
his onetime rival, appearing with Bush at three events over the
past two days in trying to prod Democrats into negotiations to include
private accounts in a plan to revamp Social Security."
Wait a minute, that doesn't sound right.
Perhaps McCain was more critical of George Bush and Dick Cheney's
staged campaign appearances during the 2004 election presidential
campaign. At some of those events, attendees were required to sign
loyalty
oaths.
Here's a picture of McCain sternly taking Bush to task at a campaign
rally in 2004:
What was that about credibility again? See you next week!
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