TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalFart Jokes in the Age of Political Violence (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, of the 417 weeks I’ve been operating this blog site, this was surely the healthiest one yet, political culture-wise.
Sooooooooo…you’re here for jokes, and I’ll do my best, but it’s definitely a bit of a ”But doctor...I am Pagliacci” mood around here. Still, links and such await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/fart-jokes-in-the-age-of-political-violence/
I’ve been writing about Charlie Kirk for years, and I stand by what I’ve written. I think he did a tremendous amount of harm to this country, but I wonder if this Tyler Robinson kid won’t ultimately give him a serious run for his money in that department.
Yeah, man. Political violence in an age of ascendant authoritarianism? Not a fan. I’ve shit my pants in terror so many times this week, I ironically feel closer to President Trump than I ever have. I’d actually appreciate his insight regarding the most comfortable and absorbent adult diaper brands.
See? Unity. I believe it was old Ben Franklin who said, “The incontinence that visits us all in both the dawn and twilight hours of our lives is stronger than any bloodthirst.” Don’t hold me to that. Might’ve been John Jay.
On the other hand, many on the MAGA Right saw the week’s events as the long-sought excuse to begin the violent purge of the Left they’ve been asking Santa for since they were mere incelets. I say teach the controversy.
Jokes…joooooooookes…it’s challenging, is all I’m sayin’.
Okay, the President of the United States, the suddenly second-richest person alive, and a grown-ass man who calls himself “Catturd” walk into a bar aaaaaaaaaand use their massive platforms to incite violence targeting their political opponents. See? It falls apart there at the end.
What abooooouuuuuut…how many opportunistic fascist pundits does it take to screw in a light bulb and/or provoke lone wolf stochastic terrorism in the name of “vengeance”? Good for a nervous chuckle while you browse the internet for deals on deadbolt locks and perimeter cameras?
At least we had Kash Patel to teach us to laugh again. If that little shit’s dad hadn’t turned him in, I have no doubt Kash would still be trapped in his sad, sloppy WE GOT HIM/JUST KIDDING cycle when the fucking sun goes out.
“This is what happens when you let good cops be cops,” Patel preened, after accomplishing precisely fuckall during the investigation of the assassination that occurred on his watch in a state where he’d just fired the field director.
Anyway, nobody tell Kash that Valhalla is not, as he apparently believes, the Viking afterlife for incompetent flunkies. It’s better if it’s a surprise.
Clay Higgins offered some creative suggestions for a few asterisks to tack onto the First Amendment. I dunno, Congressman, getting kicked off social media for life sounds like a goddamn blessing right now, but I’m worried about a slippery slope scenario where I wind up banned from the Ghost Bus for wrongthink.
Well, as much fun as I’ve had dwelling on my country’s potential descent into sectarian violence, surely there’s something less depressing in today’s newspaper. Let’s seeeeeeeee….
“Evergreen High School shooter embraced Columbine, antisemitism and white supremacy online”
Right. The school shooting that happened essentially simultaneously with the political assassination. Almost forgot.
…shoulda started a cat blog, is what I shoulda done. I’d be gatekeeping that shit by now. “Sorry, Purrgess Meredith, I’ve seen way cuter collisions with pet doors that turned out to be locked.”
Y’know, a kitten wouldn’t let Vladimir Putin violate a NATO ally’s airspace. A kitten would bat those drones right out of the sky and then take a dump on the Kremlin floor. That’s right, America’s so-called “strongman” is in truth weaker than a kitten. It’s proven. By logic.
Russian drones over Poland, and the President and his Secretary of WAR NOT DEFENSE ARE YA TRIGGERED LIB can’t even be bothered to leave a restaurant where they’re being actively heckled. “Sure, it’s an unprecedented attack on the post-WWII international order, but something about the way they’re calling me Hitler reminds me of JD.”
The restaurant outing was meant to show off how crime-free n’ squeaky clean D.C. is now after Operation: Mulching at Gunpoint. Why, there’s no crime at all in the whole dang city unless you count domestic violence, which you shouldn’t, according to the grab-‘em-by-the-pussy guy, who the American electorate, in their wisdom, reinstalled.
Anyway, this is great news for the domestic abusers of Memphis, TN, who will be exempt from the impending military crackdown. Seems like he’s backing down, for the moment anyway, from his threats to invade my beloved Chicago, fashy Apocalypse Now memes notwithstanding. Perhaps he simply enjoyed seeing his head atop Robert Duvall’s svelte, cankle-free physique.
Well, the Epstein Files remain safe n’ sound in Pam Bondi’s desk or Fort Knox or wherever, thanks to the pedo-whipped Party o’ Lincoln. Just to correct some disinformation, though: sure, that LOOKS like Donald Trump’s signature in the pubic region of that unspeakably creepy page from that one child sex trafficker’s “birthday book,” but I assure you it was written with Joe Biden’s autopen.
I imagine Mike Johnson spends a great deal of his time struggling to draw comfort from the Bible’s technical lack of specificity on the morality of shielding a child molester. I-IT NEVER ACTUALLY SAYS THOU SHALT NOT MAKE UP A BULLSHIT STORY WHERE A PEDOPHILE IS SECRETLY AN FBI INFORMANT!
That shit won’t fly, Mike. Not in Valhalla.
Starting to think Scott Bessent only accepted the Treasury Secretary gig to sneak his way onto the upcoming White House UFC card. Only question at this point is will his opponent be Elon Musk or Bill Pulte?
Assuming Pulte survives his encounter with Scotty the Body, he can apologize to Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, now that his mortgage fraud accusations have been decisively debunked by documentation. Yep, I bet that’s what happens. He’ll climb aboard the traditional MAGA flying apology pig and repent his slanders. Any day now. Two weeks.
Tom Hanks’ decades-long advocacy for the suckers and losers will no longer be honored by West Point’s alumni association. TAKE THAT, WOKENESS! You shove your Saving Private Ryan AND your Band of Brothers AND your (criminally underrated) Greyhound AND ESPECIALLY all the money he’s raised for veterans’ charities up your wokester ass! In THIS household we worship draft-dodging valor thieves who deploy troops on American streets without arranging housing first!
Howard Lutnick says pay no attention to the rural hospital closings and the skyrocketing grocery prices and the surging unemployment (all of which were predicted by every economist whose name isn’t an anagram of an administration official’s); Trumpanomics doesn’t start for real until the end of this year, when the nation’s children launch an unprecedented wave of entrepreneurship to buy the Xmas presents their parents could no longer afford.
Seems the Robert Court is so impressed with all the fun ways the Turd Reich has been abusing their terrifying new powers, they’ve decided to allow ‘em to racially profile people, too. As a treat. So if you find yourself arrested, detained in an Alligator Alcatraz-like concentration camp, or even deported to a Salvadoran torture gulag, I hope you understand that Amy Coney Barrett is not imposing her values on you.
While Linda McMahon clearly hasn’t had this much fun since her rapist husband’s steroid trial, perhaps we should postpone the dismantling of the Department of Education until her compatriots at the Department of Energy can spend some time with the chapter of the grade school science textbook that explains what batteries are.
Watching Brazil hold its vanquished wannabe autocrat legally accountable for his crimes against democracy, what can you say but IS THERE ROOM ON YOUR COUCH? I WILL PAY 85% OF THE RENT. I WILL CLEAN THE BATHROOMS. I WILL BRAID YOUR BACK HAIR IF YOU’RE INTO THAT. Basically anything anyone ever did for a Klondike Bar I will do a hundred thousandfold for a chance to live in a stable democracy.
Okay, I have no doubt I missed a ton of stuff this week (we didn’t move any aircraft carrier groups off the coast of Greenland or anything, did we?) and I apologize, but I am fuckin’ BEAT, friends.
But the good news is, the new comic book is closer than ever! Why, looka here, if it isn’t a KICKSTARTER PRELAUNCH PAGE:
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/general-washington-and-the-liberty-tree
Sign up to be notified on launch! You’re gonna love it; it’s right up your alley, assuming you’ve been reading these little rants of mine with any regularity.
In the meantime, OH MY GOD I NEED A DRINK, so if anybody feels like dropping a few bucks in my beer jar, I won’t tackle you or anything. It’s a jar for tips to buy beer with (now accepting PayPal, Cash App, and Venmo!), not a jar to drink beer from. Just for the record.
OH, ALSO: next week, I will be attending a music festival on Friday to partake of the thrilling new form the kids’re calling “rock and roll.” So the blog will come…I dunno, a day early or a day late; I haven’t decided yet. Just a heads-up. Stay safe out there, chum!
So I Guess Brain Worms Vacation in the Respiratory System? (Shower Cap/Ferret)
PRO TIP for any future civilizations: when a pedophile happens along, what you want to do is promptly administer a cognitive test. If the pedophile describes the test as “difficult,” do not, repeat DO NOT place him in charge of your economy.
(As ever, links await those brave enuff to click here: https://showercapblog.com/so-i-guess-brain-worms-vacation-in-the-respiratory-system/)
Cuz it turns out, if you elevate a sufficiently idiotic pedophile to a position of sufficiently unchallenged power (to prevent the pedophile from amassing a docile cult of personality, simply avoid electing representatives as weak as Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio), you can go from “the envy of the world” to “manufacturing contracts for sixth straight month” quicker than you can identify a drawing of a whale.
NO WAIT, CHICKEN! THAT’S A CHICKEN!
Honest mistake! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to raise some more tariffs, because our allies aren’t gonna drive themselves into our rivals’ waiting arms, y’know.
We had no choice but to antagonize the world’s fourth-largest economy, you see, because the prime minister refused to fuel the cognitive test-acing pedophile’s narcissistic delusions. He’s gonna get that Nobel Peace Prize if he has to nuke every capital on the planet.
Attendance at the ensuing party he’ll throw for himself shall be mandatory, but don’t worry, none of us will have jobs to go to by then.
Yeah, I guess Donnie Two-Dolls didn’t fire the BLS Commissioner hard enough, because the monthly jobs report came in, well, about where you’d expect it to if you put an abnormally unintelligent pedophile in charge of your economy (SEE PARAGRAPH ONE), with new layoff announcements rolling in seemingly hourly, from Halliburton, ConocoPhillips, Intel, Estée Lauder, John Deere…even your humble masked blogger was forced to part ways with his faithful beer steward, Alfred.
…and you sheeple probably think that’s a bad thing, but you just can’t see the big picture. Understand, once Bobby Brainworm’s done with the nation’s healthcare apparatus, we won’t need nearly so many jobs, trust me.
That was some hearing, huh? So this is how liberty dies…with the sibilant wheezing of history’s creepiest nepo baby.
Meanwhile, Jittery Joe Ladapo took aim at DeSantistan’s first-world child mortality rate, ending vaccine mandates for schools, because not infecting kids with previously eradicated diseases is basically slavery and herd immunity is woke or some shit.
Yeah, shouldn’t take more than a generation for the layoffs and the preventable deaths to balance out. Think of it as Trump-sizing the workforce.
Anyway, sure, you lost your job to a petulant manchild’s one-dotard trade war on the entire human race, but at least you’re paying more for everything.
Wait. Lemme take another pass at that.
Sure, you’re unemployed and everything is more expensive, but at least the President’s family raked in $5 billion via a single corrupt crypto scheme.
Hmmm. Why aren’t you expressing profound gratitude? And where did all those pitchforks come from? I’d’ve thought they’d be prohibitively expensive by now.
Look, we’ve all gotta tighten our belts. Why, the Reich couldn’t even afford binders for the latest repacking of the same ol’ subset of the Epstein files that’ve been publicly available for years.
Thomas Massie filed a discharge petition to force the release of the long-hidden stuff, but Speaker Moses, in possibly his Christianest move to date, took a bold stand for pedophile privacy rights, at least until Pam Bondi can complete the Herculean task of redacting all the prominent Republicans’ names.
Kristi Noem was widely mocked for her claim that Los Angeles “would have burned down” without Off-Brand Orbán’s extraconstitutional intervention, but assuming the across-the-board tariffs apply to kaiju, I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility that the notoriously thrifty Godzilla postponed a planned rampage.
Seldom have I been more disappointed to learn a news headline contained no metaphors than those stories about a trash bag falling from a top-floor White House window. That was restaurant-quality clickbait; coulda meant any number of ‘em, though of course your mind leaps straight to Bannon. I was so excited to find out.
…but then it turned out to be AI. Or maybe it was real. The White House lied to us one way or the other, but I’m sure they’re basically honest people, though I’d like to take this opportunity to draw everyone’s attention to my tattoo-free knuckles, just in case.
Good news, patriots! Our warfightin’ warfighters will no longer have to warfight under that girly-ass “Department of Defense” branding; welcome to the age of the Department of Kicking Ass in Super-Fun Socks and if the Odd $70 Million Jet Falls Into the Ocean, Well, Such is Life!
They already warfought the shit outta that one boat, that’s for sure. I suppose if you want to get all nitpicky, the government teeeeechnically lacks the “legal authority” to just assassinate people in international waters, but don’t worry, the eleven human beings who’re no longer alive were “narco-terrorists.” Promise. C’mon, would our government fraudulently accuse someone of gang membership to justify violating their human rights after the fact?
Shoot, I’m reasonably certain this botched North Korea mission we’re just learning about from Fat Q*bert's first term, which left several unarmed civilians dead, would’ve gone off without a hitch if the Navy SEALs involved only understood they were doing war instead of defense.
Speaking of rebrands, the Big Bloated aBomination is now officially the “Working Families Tax Plan (with Splenda!)”, so everybody loves it now, especially your grandma back home, who managed to text an enthusiastic thumbs-up emoji before they disconnected her life support machine ahead of closing the only hospital within an hour of her home.
It’s never ideal to catch a sitting U.S. Senator dabbling in blood and soil rhetoric, but on the bright side, since Eric Schmitt self-identifies as a “national conservative” rather than a “national socialist,” future generations will be spared the tedious internet arguments that MAGA was really left-wing.
Mean ol’ D.C. grand juries keep spoiling Judge Jeanine’s attempted tyrannies, refusing to indict the targets of her frivolous prosecutions. Sources say an enraged Pirro vowed to pursue charges against the offending jurors, only abandoning the plot upon passing out after an hours-long struggle with the childproof lock the office manager installed on the supply cabinet where the boxed wine is kept.
Now that the references to Jackie Robinson and the Navajo Code Talkers have been purged and the loser traitor paintings have been restored, Secretary Hegseth finally got around to undemoting Ronny “Candyman” Jackson, excellent news for all those warfighters who’re also drugtakers.
Noozmax sued Fox Nooz over allegedly anticompetitive practices in the lucrative dipshit brainwashing field, and while I’ve generally opposed recent assaults on legal norms, I figure it’s in everyone’s interest here to proceed straight to trial by combat.
FUN FACT: today, September 5th, marks the eight-year anniversary of this lil’ blog site of mine. And after eight years of this shit, I truly didn’t think this asshat cabal could surprise me anymore. Appall? Sure? But surprise?
That’s what I thought right up until I saw the story about a Republican administration toying with the idea of rolling back that holiest of wingnut holies: the right to bear arms. Admittedly “just” for trans people, as part of the demonization dogpile following the Minneapolis school shooting, but we’re alllllllll the way down the rabbit hole now, aren’t we?
Ah well. Surely they’ll stop disarming out-groups at this one disfavored minority. I bet there’ll be plenty of allies left to speak out when they come for me.
Anyway.
While the God of Cankles’ latest tease ultimately proved disappointing, if the sloppy old fop insists on sticking around, at least we get to watch him lose and lose and lose and lose in court.
Tariffs? Illegal.
Troops in L.A.? Illegal.
Ending legal protections for Haitian and Venezuelan migrants? How ‘bout nah?
Trying to deport Guatemalan children in the dead of night? Not so fast.
Withholding grants from Harvard? Sorry, ya fat fascist dork.
Yessiree, the rule of law is still alive and kickin’, and with minimal leg swelling, I might add.
Okay, I’m gonna go celebrate that eight-year anniversary, and I’m gonna need YOUR help! Contribute to my beer fund via PayPal, Venmo, or Cash App! Follow @john_luzar! Join the email list at showercapblog.com! And please please PLEASE stay safe out there!
You do not want to miss this new comic, trust me! Art by Jason Muhr, colors by Arthur Hesli…Kickstarter coming soon:
Kakistocrat Kabinet Karesses Kankles
Well, I just got off the phone with my cable provider’s customer service department. They agreed that the three-hour cankle-fellating bacchanal was inappropriate for children, but there was nothing they could do because it was a Cabinet meeting.
(Life-changing links await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/kakistocrat-kabinet-karesses-kankles/)
Now that dignity is partisan, I worry regime interrogators will screen for it in the gulags.
“What’s your favorite question on the cognitive test our God Emperor aced?”
“Oh, definitely identifying the drawing of the horsey! I would’ve said…um…duck, probably.” But they’d see the laughter in my eyes and drag me away.
Yeah, shit’s gettin’ downright wacky here in this republic we’re struggling to keep. I’m old enough to remember endless hours of wingnut bleating that Obamacare was tyranny, that wearing masks to slow Covid-19’s spread was tyranny, but somehow deploying troops on American city streets while talking about how rad dictatorship would be doesn’t even register.
You’d think the President claiming “the right to do anything I want to do” would prompt the Tea Party crew to dust off the ol’ tricorn hat, but that doesn’t seem t’be the case. Oh well, I’m sure that flag-burning EO will be the last assault on our fundamental constitutional rights for a while.
…except, well…we don’t really need freedom of assembly anymore, since we’re funneling our entire lives directly into our phones anyway, right? So that other EO, creating specialized National Guard units for “quelling civil disturbances,” shouldn’t bother anyone. And what’s so bad about quartering soldiers, anyway? Think about all the awesome board games gathering dust in the hall closet for want of the appropriate number of players.
Who needs rights when you can enjoy the spectacle of the nation’s great warfighters triumphing over the litter in Lafayette Park, the first military operation of Secretary Hegseth’s tenure that didn’t end with multiple $70 million jets at the bottom of the ocean?
As part of the crackdown, Sean Duffy has seized control of D.C.’s Union Station, figuring a few train accidents might just spice up the monotony of the same, dreary plane crashes.
RFK Jr. finds the nation’s youths mitochondrially wanting. He can size up your mitochondria at a fuckin’ GLANCE, kids; it’s a superpower you only gain by letting a cranial parasite nosh upon your heroin-battered cerebellum.
Bobby Brainworm’s on a tear these days, actually, purging the Centers for Disease Control of all those dastardly deep state types who so sinisterly believe diseases should be controlled, in addition to dramatically limiting Americans’ access to Covid vaccines during the latest variant surge. It’s nice to finally have a Health and Human Services Secretary who remembers the Founding Fathers, in their wisdom, decreed that a virus’ sacred right to sicken and kill our nation’s children SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.
Of course, it’s not just HHS undergoing a purge of the insufficiently incompetent. Tulsi Gabbard dutifully dismissed and/or revoked security clearances from all 37 current and former intelligence officials on the list Pootie Tang slipped her at that nationally humiliating summit in Alaska, including “one of the CIA’s senior-most Russia experts.” Something something America first.
The Kennedy Center’s new director of dance programming promises to usher in a new era of anti-woke ballet, launching with a revolutionary production of Swan Lake wherein the Black Swan will be replaced with a Merit-Based Swan who is coincidentally Lara Trump, who intends to substitute a series of auto-tuned Tom Petty covers for the traditional Tchaikovsky score.
Oh, and a bunch of FEMA employees who signed an open letter to Congress warning of Kristi Noem’s dangerous undermining of the agency’s mission were swiftly placed on administrative leave, which oughta clear up any preparedness issues.
Convicted fraudster Donald J. Trump attempted to fire Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook over unproven fraud allegations, hoping to replace her with a pliable lackey like Kevin Hassett, or maybe even Ron Vara. Within a couple months, there won’t be anyone left in the federal government but Fox News personalities and Proud Boys.
Despite what the lügenpresse would have you believe, the real victims of the tragedy at Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis were the Republican politicians who’ve worked so tirelessly to ensure the nation’s mass murderers remain sufficiently well-armed to slaughter children at prayer.
The ritual was obscene enough back when they merely defiled their victims’ grief with their insincere thoughts and empty prayers, but now that they’ve taken to mewling about religious persecution before the bodies even have time to cool…look, I’d hate to impugn the piety of a rapist-worshipping hate cult, but given the millions of human beings you’ve harmed, instead of finger-wagging moralizing, why not go fuck yourselves?
Following a court order, “Alligator Alcatraz” is shutting down, with one last round of fascist violence for old times’ sake. Several other concentration camps are still planned, however, cuz where else are you supposed to send these foreign invaders who’ve infiltrated our wildfire-fighting crews?
A federal appeals court ruled the majority of the Dotard’s tariffs unconstitutional while showing great restraint in declining to comment on how ass-backward fucking dumb they are as well. Hope it sticks. It’d be nice to rejoin the international parcel delivery system.
Candace Owens would very much like a bailout from the consequences of her slanderous attacks on the Macrons. If you think the legal fees sting, Candace, wait till you see the fuckin’ payout.
A whistleblower tells us Big Balls likely left every single American’s Social Security number in the restroom at his favorite Sbarro, but don’t worry, they’ll give you a brand new one at CECOT.
Congratulations go out to Ashli Babbitt, who will become the first domestic terrorist to receive burial honors from the Air Force! Big week for treasonous losers, actually, as a portrait of celebrated surrenderer Robert E. Lee was rehung at West Point. Waiting for the Post Office to roll out that Seditious Conspirators commemorative stamp set featuring all your favorite Oath Keepers.
All this shit is polling so phenomenally well that the administration redoubled their efforts to subvert the coming midterms, enlisting the Republican Party of Missouri in the latest phase of their panicked, last-minute redistricting scheme, in addition to installing improbably named election denier Heather Honey to the suitably Orwellian post of deputy assistant secretary for Election Integrity.
…it sure would be neat if American democracy survived all this, wouldn’t it?
Off-Brand Orbán revoked Kamala Harris’ Secret Service protection ahead of her forthcoming book tour, which made him feel bigger and tuffer than anything since that time during his first term when he changed his own adult diaper without Mark Meadows’ help.
Despite the runaway popularity of her “death’s inevitability renders health care meaningless and unnecessary” campaign slogan (which I’ll grudgingly concede looks great on a red ballcap), Joni Ernst will not seek reelection next year. Were I a hog in Iowa, I’d think about investing in a codpiece.
Ascendant American fascism’s fecklessest enabler, Senator Susan Collins, got heckled at a ribbon-cutting ceremony this week, and I’ve little doubt everyone reading this shares my deep, profound, sincere concern.
Obviously, I can’t wait for all this nonsense to end forever, and once whatever’s going on with the cankles and the hand spot works its magic, I look forward to never thinking about any of these assclowns ever again, BUT…I will read the shit out of any book about these apparent clandestine efforts to foment discord between Greenland and Denmark.
Buncha dopes who can’t even throw a fucking parade attempting expansionist spycraft? That’s a slapstick gold mine. Ten bucks says there’s a chapter where Steve Witkoff tries going undercover as a harp seal only to attract the amorous attentions of an aggressive male.
Jeanine Pirro has already failed three times to secure indictments against those she would oppress, including “Sandwich Guy” Sean Charles Dunn, so maybe hope for the future can be found somewhere near the intersection of ineptitude, boxed wine, and the rule of law.
Cracker Barrel unrebranded itself (in public, no less), renouncing the new logo assailed by the perpetually terrified of change as “woke.” This is as close to an accomplishment as anyone in the MAGA movement is likely to get, outside of finding an even more bilkable rube to sell their Trump NFTs to.
Charlie Kirk thinks Taylor Swift should submit to her husband and get to work churning out Republican babies, ideally with freakishly small faces floating unnervingly in the middle of abnormally large heads. Personally, I think drinking beer should make you lose weight. It’s fun to have opinions!
I intend to put the matter to the test this weekend, so if this little rant earned a chuckle or a snort, feel free to toss a buck or two into my beer fund, now accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo. New followers are always welcome @john_luzar, as are new sign-ups on the email list at showercapblog.com! Stay safe out there, chum, especially since you don’t want to miss the new comic book, which gets closer every single day. Check this out:
A (Cracker) Barrel of Laughs on the Road to Autocracy (Ferret/Shower Cap)
The nation is still reeling from the largest single-day reduction in international stature in American history, at what historians are already calling The Summit That Could’ve Been a Thirsty Instagram Comment.
(Links n’ such: https://showercapblog.com/a-cracker-barrel-of-laughs-on-the-road-to-autocracy/)
Of course all decent Americans get mad and appalled and embarrassed (mempallassed? mapparrassed?) watching their president parroting the demands of a war criminal as incompetent as he is genocidal, but your problem is you see the people of Ukraine as human beings, deserving peace and freedom and autonomy, but to the President, they’re the reason he had to call off the big, fancy lunch he had planned for his Dictator Bro 4 Lyfe.
He worked SO hard on that lunch, you guys. He never gets to hang out with Vlad because of dumb ol’ Ukraine and he even took Susie’s advice about grown-up food instead of hamberders and now he has to wait till the World Cup it’s NOT FAIR!
Did you ever think you’d see your POTUS fuck something up so badly that multiple heads of state would drop whatever they were doing to fly halfway around the damn world for an intervention? (I actually did. I had that one on my bingo card. All I need now is “deployed state power against Rosie O’Donnell“ and I win.)
Yeah, a diplomatic intervention. Not for substance abuse, but for dumbness. For being the easiest mark to e’er waddle out onto the world stage. Putin plays our president so virtuosically that the poor dope can’t stop himself from showing off the pretty strings sewn to his sleeves.
POOTY SAYS I WOULDA WON IN 2020 IF IT WASN’T FOR MAIL-IN VOTING!
Of course he does. Because anyone willing to feed your narcissistic delusions can make you jump through hoops. It’s one of the most widely understood truths on the planet. I’d suggest measuring the guy’s actual respect for you in sweatshirts, or perhaps attacks on American-owned factories.
I will grudgingly give credit where it’s due: he sure got Zelensky to wear a suit. Operation Warp Speed, couple of cognitive tests, got Zelensky to wear a suit. After that, it’s a pretty sharp drop to bankrupting casinos, crashing the economy, and Eric.
Hard to find a more perfect snapshot of MAGA culture than JD Vance puffing up his soft-ass self to drop that weak little one-liner on Zelensky. Were I JD, I’d want to minimize opportunities for people to make that side-by-side comparison. One of you has spent years successfully holding off the aggression of a onetime superpower; the other made up a story about pet-devouring migrants.
“I want to try to get into heaven if possible— I hear I’m really at the bottom of the totem pole.”
You gotta figure that’s one of the last stopped clock moments we’ll get. In fact, this momentary, uncharacteristic acknowledgement of his own fundamental shittiness is the first sign of cognitive fitness we’ve seen in weeks.
But sure, let’s add fear of damnation (born of the cankles, no doubt) to the sauce. Why not?
I have a new theory about the frantic Peace Prize push, actually: he thinks he can present it to whatever cosmic arbiter awaits in the afterlife as some sort of spiritual Get Out Jail Free card. WOULD THEY GIVE A RAPIST A PEACE PRIZE kind of thing.
He keeps inflating the number of wars he so dealmakingly peacified, with the number rising to ten if you count “pre-wars,” or even eleven if you count not releasing the Epstein files as ending a war. Still, what works on Deutsche Bank may prove less successful at the Pearly Gates.
Of course, nowhere on Earth are things any peacier than Washington, D.C., where history’s most over-promoted game show host continues his grubby fumble towards autocracy, dispatching an unconstitutional mishmash of federal agents to deliver the city’s restaurant district from the scourge of customers.
Tate Reeves, still in power despite leading Mississippi to one of the highest Covid death rates in the entire world, sent National Guard troops to D.C. to join in the fashy shenanigans while the much higher crime rate in Jackson goes unaddressed, and if that seems like a sensible distribution of resources to you, you’re a Republican, all right.
Still, probably doesn’t suck to get out of the Deep South for a week or two in August. See some of the museums before the decadent works get purged. Beat up some brown guys on mopeds.
See, they’re attacking the sandwich problem at its root. Once the restaurants are all closed and the delivery drivers have all been deported to Salvadoran torture camps, there will be no sandwiches to lob.
Of course, the real horror for D.C. may not be the authoritarian crackdown but the multi-billion-dollar makeover that’s coming, presumably at gunpoint. Ever since the Roberts Court granted him limitless redecorating powers, he’s been insatiable, so I figure we’re a couple weeks away from masked men in SWAT gear spray-painting all the fire hydrants gold.
Outside of a handful of “elderly white hippies,” D.C. residents have embraced their occupiers, according to Stephen Miller, White House Deputy Chief of Staff and Self-Appointed Spokesman for the City’s Predominantly Black Population. Well, who’re you gonna believe, polls or a man who adjusts his hairline with aerosol products?
Anyway, lucky me, it seems my home city of Chicago has a “national emergency” of its own sneaking up on the Becankled One’s schedule.
Wonder who’s next? Perhaps Colorado can host a small siege around the facility where lunatic election crook Tina Peters is serving her richly deserved nine-year sentence. From Denver to Brazil, nothing bothers Off-Brand Orbán more than an enemy of democracy facing consequences for their crimes.
…except being criticized in any way. Or told no. Investigating any of his assorted rapes, frauds, or human rights abuses is obviously not his favorite. Actually, with a growing legion of Ed Martins, Alina Habbas (Alinas Habba?), and Jeanine Pirros willing to break norms and laws, seems there’s plenty of political persecution to go ‘round.
Like, I’ve always believed John Bolton to be the host being for an extraterrestrial life form that means the human race significant harm (the mustache, obviously), but that doesn’t mean Kash Patel’s cartoonishly corrupt FBI gets to raid his house. First they came for the symbiotic face parasites that resemble mustaches, and I did not speak out, because I was not a symbiotic face parasite that resembled a mustache.
But we all know how that one ends.
Kash also announced the FBI will join ICE in lowering hiring standards to a level that’s friendlier to Proud Boys by mere coincidence, I’m sure. Actually, this move makes sense to me, given the agency’s sharp turn away from its traditional “law enforcement” mission towards one more focused on crushing dissent. Do you really need a college degree to smash windows and fire tear gas?
Speaking of the FBI, turns out the deputy directorship was indeed, as predicted, far too difficult for a yammering mediocrity like Dan Bongino, so they’ve brought in a new guy to handle the “job” part of the job so Dan can focus on waiting by the phone for the illegal orders we all know are coming.
The border wall is to be painted black “to make it hotter and harder to climb,” which is the sort of policy you get only under the very stablest of geniuses. We can’t build solar panels because the sun sets like HALF the time, but the wall will stay hot “and harder to climb” at night because of the…the black paint.
Never been a big horror guy, but probably the most consistently terrifying prose genre I’ve encountered is News Stories About How Much Power Laura Loomer Has. The jump scares are unmatched, cuz they’re usually push notifications about guardrails falling.
Yeah, the entire Executive Branch serves at the pleasure of this one racist halfwit. Temporary visas for wounded Palestinian children constitute an “Islamic invasion” to Loomer; therefore, by the authority vested in her as That Crazy Lady Who Handcuffed Herself to Twitter HQ, they shall be revoked. Take that, wounded kids! Ya got LOOMERED!
As the founders intended.
The supposed wokening of the Cracker Barrel hit the least impressive people alive like a second 9/11, because we are living through the Dumbest of All Possible Times. Yeah, the Guinness people officially called it when they saw Chris Rufo’s dorky little call to “break the Barrel” before dying from exposure to unfiltered cringe in its purest form.
You guys Byron Donalds got to second base for the very first time in a Cracker Barrel parking lot and it was with JESUS. Can you even imagine anybody any Christliker than Byron Donalds? All my favorite Bible stories are about Jesus helping a rapist commit crimes and dressing like the rapist for good measure.
Is all this distracting you from those stubbornly unreleased Epstein Files? No? Howzabout Hegseth and RFK Jr. hold themselves a little Toxic Dipshit Decathlon? Events include pull-ups, whale corpse decapitation, and navigating an obstacle course in a suit that’s much too tight.
They sure do love spending our money on their little videos n’ parades n’ such, don’t they? Between Kristi Noem’s freeloading and Hegseth’s multi-million-dollar security detail, no wonder there’s no money left for cancer research.
Slavery was bad…OR WAS IT? The newly MAGAfied Smithsonian is Just Asking Questions™️!
So Texas passed their little mid-decade gerrymander (because Republican policies are so well-liked, you see), and Missouri and Indiana may be next. And of course Putin has rekindled the old fop’s passion for ending mail-in voting, so we’ve got all kinds of fun assaults on our democracy to look forward to.
…unless Gavin Newsom’s social media team finally makes the battered remnants of their tiny brains explode. They can’t figure out whether to shit or go blind, and the whole trick is just…a mirror. Yeah, this is what you look like. What you’ve always looked like. Dorks.
Don’t know that there’s a gerrymander crooked enough to protect y’all from the backlash to the trade war tax we get to pay in fun new ways all the dang time. That $50 hike to the PlayStation console is sure to be a big hit this Xmas season (for those families willing to risk the penalties of exceeding their two-doll allotment, that is.)
Oklahoma State Superintendent Ryan Walters thwarted the busloads of Antifas looking to lead thrilling lives indoctrinating th’youths of Oklahoma with a political loyalty test for teachers from just California and New York. DagNABbit! I had a whole plan to outsource fractions to a communist drag queen, but you’re just too wily for me, Ryan!
Ghislaine Maxwell definitely never witnessed any illegal behavior from the man with the power to pardon her, so we can close the book on that one, unless the book contains something unimaginably creepy, like say a birthday greeting to a child sex trafficker that culminates in a pubic hair signature.
Oh, and the President seized the means of production today, announcing the government had taken a 10% stake in Intel, so that’s -
“BINGO!”
What? You HAD that? That’s…reasonable, actually. Dammit, I was so close. Ah well, we’ll fill up another card next week.
I can hardly believe it, but the NEW COMIC BOOK keeps getting closer every day! LOOK HOW WONDERFUL JASON MUHR’S ART ON THIS BOOK IS:
Kickstarter coming…soon! In the meantime, if you enjoyed this lil’ diatribe, feel free to toss a buck or two into the ol’ tip jar (accepting, as you surely know by now, PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App!), or follow @john_luzar and sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com. And do stay safe out there, my friend…shit’s gettin’ real…
Stephen Miller Eats Only Mayonnaise (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Who can say for sure what’s true anymore, but I heard someplace that Stephen Miller eats only mayonnaise. And y’know what? I’m choosing to believe that. I think I’ve been exceptionally well-behaved during this decade-long assault on objective reality, and I’m entitled to a modest conspiracy theory of my own here and there.
(Links n’ such here: https://showercapblog.com/stephen-miller-eats-only-mayonnaise/)
Sure. He spends 22 hours a day inside some Mad Max-lookin’ apparatus that sputters and wheezes as it squeezes mayo through his knotted circulatory system, one packet at a time. He emerges only for interviews and to patrol the camps.
Anyway, our condiment-guzzling overlords rolled out their military occupation of the nation’s capitol this week; that was fun. Like so many recent executive branch undertakings, it was terrifying but also somehow shabby.
I admit I was initially skeptical that such drastic steps were necessary, but then…well, who among us shall e’er forget where they were when the Hoagie Heard ‘Round the World was lobbed? I myself was trembling behind a D.C. mailbox, while roving hordes of urban youths popped wheelies and smoked reefer cigarettes.
Clearly a modern hellscape in a state of emergency. You might think the response to such an urgent crime emergency would focus on the areas experiencing the most crime, but this is more of a setting-up-checkpoints-in-the-restaurant-district-type emergency.
Oh yeah, by the way, the government can set up checkpoints where soldiers search your vehicle at gunpoint for no reason now. Yeah, that’s another constitutional right we lost.
Plus, shit, this is just the test run for a rapid-response “reaction force” to suppress the inevitable disapproval of the ever-accelerating rolling dumpster fire of power grabs and economically cataclysmic fuckups.
Ah well, I’m sure the Pentagon is only developing plans to deploy the National Guard amongst the populace for benevolent reasons, like bake sales and hugs. Let’s check in on D.C., actually, I bet it’s mostly hugs:
(A single tear rolls down Secretary Hegseth’s cheek, past the matching Droopy Dog underoos and socks, and into the blood and Subway sauces pooling at his feet, as he whispers, “Big Balls, you have been avenged.” In the far distance, the Lincoln Memorial screams as if in pain.)
Meanwhile, the regime sent masked paramilitary law enforcement to harass attendees of a political rival’s rally, just like in all the healthiest democracies.
Governor Newsom, excuse me, NewSCUM (a palpable hit, sir!) refuses to unilaterally disarm in the face of our gerrymandering aggression, so naturally we sent men in masks with badges and guns to menace him.
Incidentally, we’re only redrawing these maps at the last minute because the President is more popular than ever and the people love his agenda, especially the parts where they lose healthcare and pay more for FUCKING EVERYTHING.
Doesn’t it fucking infuriate you? Politically, it’s the most amazing messaging self-own I’ve ever seen, because of the way it constantly reinforces itself in more and more of your day-to-day financial transactions all the time. “Oh, is this more expensive now, too? Neat! Thanks, Mr. President!”
And because the MAGA hivemind is so docile and incapable of long-term planning, they march the whole dang GOP out to brag about all the revenue Captain Tariff Man raised with his amazing tariffs.
He rolls around in the tariff revenue like Uncle Scrooge in his Money Bin, and you’re sitting at home scowling, cuz it’s your fucking money. You can point at your specific money on the evening news as he rubs it all over his body. “There’s the quarter from my coffee every goddamn morning and the ten bucks from the grocery store. Hope the car doesn’t give out on us for another year or two.”
And then you see where the money goes: troops on our streets and party after party for the Prettiest Princess President in all the land. Ballrooms and military parades and summits, an endless, taxpayer-financed celebration of probably the single shittiest guy ever. To throw a military parade for a man who boasts about passing cognitive tests is to beclown one’s entire culture.
He threw himself a little signing ceremony for a proclamation declaring himself officially Awesome for passing a uniquely non-existent provision of the Big Bloated aBomination.
Melania has affixed the proclamation to the fridge at Bedminster with one of the President’s favorite magnets, procured from a McDonald’s Happy Meal purchased as a treat after a particularly satisfying sexual assault.
…but the bill still doesn’t eliminate taxes on Social Security any more than it did when they passed it without that part. Oh well. I’m sure the nation’s seniors will take that in stride come tax season.
Yeah, the Dotard’s policies are fucking you seven ways from Sunday…UNLESS Ghislaine Maxwell happens t’be joining us tonight from her cushy new accommodations. I hear even work release may be on the table; congratulations! I imagine the ol’ child sex trafficking ring has gathered a layer of dust since your imprisonment for child sex trafficking.
‘Bout to throw himself another party, celebrating his takeover of the Kennedy Center. I’m sure that’ll be classy. In unrelated news, beloved American entertainers I am now disappointed in include Sylvester Stallone, George Strait, and members of the rock band Kiss, who are to be gilded alive at the ceremony, according to reports.
Man, if the secret police somehow kicks in my door right while I’m listening to that Ace Frehley cover of New York Groove that I love so much, that’d really rub salt in the wound.
No doubt a great deal of ceremonial ass-kissing is planned for the Olympics and the World Cup, buttressed by further use of the military to physically relocate human beings to, again, bake sales, or perhaps charming sidewalk art fairs.
The clumsy, thuggish Peace Prize-grubbing never fails to elicit a chuckle from me. Old man, the casualties from the USAID cuts alone are about to climb into the millions while the world watches. You are an early, perhaps prohibitive frontrunner to wind up remembered as the greatest evil of a whole-ass century. Every day is a new adventure in how much further you might sell a loyal, democratic ally out to a genocidal dictator.
(The Putin thing is happening in the background while I write, and I keep checking in, and…yeah. Either shabbily terrifying or terrifyingly shabby. The deference and lack of motor skills. Remember when we were a superpower?)
Probably best the disinformation-addled dork who killed a cop while spraying 500 rounds at CDC headquarters died on the scene, before RFK Jr. could sweep him into a corner office.
Actually, Bobby Brainworm has his hands full with Laura Loomer, who took it upon herself to administer some of her patented purity tests to the High Priests of Anti-Life tasked with dismantling the nation’s capacity to conduct health research.
You hate to see such infighting amongst people who all ultimately share the same passion for American decline. It only delays the glorious day when ICE forces the populace into adopting Stephen Miller’s diet at gunpoint.
That’s the ultimate supervillain plot behind the entire MAGA enterprise, by the way. They’re gonna replace the fluoride in the water with mayo so we all turn into…whatever Stephen Miller is. Wretched, sickly things, broken by hate. Turns out the whole trade war was a long con to restructure the global supply chain to produce a single product: a reliable, realistic spray-on hair substitute.
Getting back to Laura Loomer, because another fun idea somebody had was to make Laura Loomer one of the most powerful people in American politics and thus the world, so there are a lot of stories about Laura Loomer getting important people fired, and also about Laura Loomer trying to get important people fired but failing.
Yes, the same Laura Loomer whose resume peaks somewhere between “yelled during a play” and “handcuffed self to building to pitch a brief fit.” Now mad with power, taking aim at Medal of Honor recipients, at the Secretary of the Army, all while training the purest beam of raw, incandescent white trash energy on record at Marjorie Taylor Greene.
Let’s get these two into a nice, snuggly Phantom Zone, where they can lash away at one another eternally. That, or put them in charge of the Smithsonian purge!
Yeah, in honor of American democracy’s 250th and final birthday, the Smithsonian is to be cleansed of degenerate historical narratives to make room for an immense gift shop peddling mug shot merch and NFTs and “Rope. Tree. Journalist. Some assembly required” t-shirts.
Another fun thing my tax dollars are financing is the Reich’s shiny new corporate subservience scorecard, where “553 companies and trade associations” are to be measured and ranked by how enthusiastically they supported the bill that kicks millions off Medicaid. I bet this government wouldn’t fit in Grover Norquist’s bathtub, somehow.
When pressed, Pete Hegseth grudgingly conceded that women should be allowed to vote, risking excommunication from the creepy dominionist abuse cult run by genuine shitbag Douglas Wilson, who would much rather rescind suffrage from, hmmm, how shall I put this…"the kind of people that people come out of.”
So, the new labor stats stooge, E.J. Antoni, becomes the latest aspiring apparatchik to hitch a ride down the Capitol Riot-to-the-executive-branch pipeline, because we’re governed by people who view an insurrectionist mob as a talent pool.
I see JD Vance’s civil rights were violated by a restaurant with a strict No Shirt, No Loyalty to the United States Constitution, No Service policy. Nothing a platoon of SEALs can’t clear up, I’m sure.
South Carolina state Congressman RJ May, founder of the local chapter of the Freedumb Caucus, became the latest MAGA Republican to get caught with a phone full of kiddie porn. That’s the tenth punch on my card, so I think we get free fries with the next one.
Incidentally, RJ is being prosecuted for not just possessing but distributing this shit, which is one of the vilest things I can imagine. One wonders at what point in one’s career exploiting the sexual abuse of children does one arrive at a conclusion like “I should get to write laws”?
“WE MUST SAVE AMERICA FROM THE IMMORAL LEFT hang on, I have to take this; it’s from one of the people I distribute my thousands of child pornography files to.”
Oh look, Anna Paulina Luna has a “UFO story” and some theories about “movements outside of time and space” by “things out there that have not been created by mankind.” She, too, sought a seat for herself at the law-makin' table.
Always nice to watch Alex Jones get dragged a little closer to actual accountability, though we can never rule out a last-minute EO and/or military op to rescue this one asshole’s wealth from the grieving families he terrorized for years.
How’s the Putin thing going? Oh, global circulation of images of U.S. troops on their knees rolling out a literal red carpet for a Temu Czarlet like lil’ Vlad? A man you can troll with a sweatshirt is no man at all.
Apparently SpaceX generates 84% of its revenue from government contracts, and I’m afraid I have to Karen out over this one. Manager. NOW.
Stop sending that dorkpilled bigot my fucking money to spread his dorky technodouche supremacy ideology through my country’s plentiful supply of too-online man-children! Stop it right fucking now!
Anyway, in conclusion, fascism accelerated again this week, which I disapprove of, on balance. I would like to reiterate my demand to see the manager, albeit in a more respectful tone now that the masked gentlemen have arrived.
Hope there’s bail money in the mayonnaise fu-BEER FUND! (Chuckles in a casual, friendly manner.) Yes, here we are once more at the traditional weekly call for funds (accepting Cash App, Venmo, and PayPal!) to purchase beer and not any mayonnaise at all. Who ever heard of a mayonnaise fund?
The comic is still on its way! Should have that Kickstarter prelaunch page up soon! As ever, stay safe out there, from sammiches especially. Also follow @john_luzar and get on that showercapblog.com email list!
Golly, I've Never Seen a Pedophile on the Roof of the White House Before (Shower Cap/Ferret)
Well, my prayers to the God of Cankles have gone as yet unanswered, so I suppose we may as well chronicle the week’s fuckery. Might try escalating to ritual sacrifice, if I can think of something a cankle god would enjoy.
(Links n’ such await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/golly-ive-never-seen-a-pedophile-on-the-roof-of-the-white-house-before/)
Yeah, another week in our merry little post-apocalyptic reality show, our mad, mad, mad death race between accelerating authoritarianism and Dear Leader’s rapidly decomposing mind meat.
Don’t worry, America; that’s not, as it must initially appear, your racist grandpa getting the whole family banned from Denny’s for life, but in fact the President of the whole dang United States, holding forth on the issue of the fitness of certain races for certain jobs.
Oh look, he’s up on the roof of the White House, no doubt retrieving that draft he hid of the screenplay expanding on that scenelet from his birthday note to his pal Jeff Epstein. He was never quite able to recapture the raw, gag-inducing skeeviness of the pubic signature, but that’s okay; Paramount has to produce it anyway.
He just galumphs about in a daze, demanding praise for imaginary accomplishments. DRUG PRICES ARE DOWN LIKE TEN THOUSAND PERCENT PLUS GAS IS BASICALLY FREE AN’ ALSO, AS YOU CAN PLAINLY SEE, CHART GO UP and we let him stomp through the global economy, smashing whole nations to bits.
I suppose any energy directed towards redecorating isn’t funneled into tyranny, but the enshittification of the White House grounds certainly hasn’t slowed. How does he keep finding new surfaces to gild?
Folks’re mad about the paved-over Rose Garden, but I think it’s really gonna come alive once they install that TrumpCoin vending machine. We can watch the various heads of state pay their protection money live on Newsmax. Three giant bars spin, slot-machine-style, and land on your tariff rate. That’s how international trade works now. Yay.
Speaking of, does Tim Apple give good bribe or what? That 24-karat gold plaque’ll look amazing next to the nuclear secrets in the Marm-a-Lago guest bathroom.
It’s actually a nifty bit of irony when you think about it. After failing at more or less everything he’s ever attempted, from marriage to casinos to pandemic management, it turns out “set up a crypto grift jar right outside the Oval Office” is the one scheme simple enough for him to pull off.
Still, I have to admit, watching the rich n’ powerful bow and scrape before this speedily melting county fair butter sculpture of a man fills me with an increasingly familiar blend of revulsion and dread, like the fart that makes you wonder if you shouldn’t maybe call a doctor.
Ah, it’s probably nothing. What’s that? They’re using the Justice Department to persecute another political opponent, New York AG Letitia James this time? Concerning, but I’m sure everything will work itself out.
Hmmm? You say a leaked memo shows the Decidedly Unsuper Hegseth Bros pushing to normalize the deployment of the military in domestic law enforcement situations, even as the Dotard orders a crackdown in D.C.? You know, perhaps seeking the input of a specialist isn’t the worst idea, now that you mention it.
I dunno, Doc, somethin’ ain’t right with my democracy. The President wants to call in the National Guard cuz one of his DOGE brats got mugged? Christ, we aren’t even afforded the dignity of, like, the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, we’re stuck with the Carjacking of Big Balls.
It’s a good thing Secretary Funsoxx reminded our warfighters how to warfight, because in addition to all domestic protest-busting duties, they are to be deployed against foreign drug cartels. How much harder could it possibly be than staging a military parade or warring with the Houthis?
Of course, there’s no constitutional authority for any of this, Doc, so you understand why I wanted you to give the ol’ democracy a once-over. Well, give it to me straight. Nothing we can’t clear up with a few mild, manageable dietary adjustments, surely?
Hey Doc, why’re you giggling?
The mean ol’ media ruined JD Vance’s Epstein party, and after he spent all afternoon making pigs in a blanket, too. Probably for the best. The idea of getting JD, Pam Bondi, and Kash Patel together to solve a problem, any problem at all…it’s absurd. If you left these dolts in an escape room, they’d starve to death, and maybe that’s an option we should explore.
Congratulations, Karoline Leavitt! The boss man says you got a real purty mouth! Good thing he’s not a serial sexual predator, huh? I bet the Russian spy in charge of White House HR runs a tight ship when it comes to such matters.
The nation’s federal judges called for a reduction in death threats from the nation’s hammer-and-nail-gun-wielding psychopaths. The psychopaths’ counter-offer would limit the overall number of threats while increasing the graphic detail of the violent fantasies and expanding the list of acceptable threat recipients to include spouses and children. The matter is expected to be settled in arbitration.
The proprietors of Alligator Alcatraz, aka the federal government, announced they will be scaling back criticism of human rights violations, at least for Tangerine Idi Amin’s authoritarian besties. Really, what’s one torture gulag more or less amongst friends?
In the effervescent glow of the space laser the Illuminati keep trained on her at all times, Marjorie Taylor Greene finally noticed the sexism in the Republican Party. It’s fascinating, the little bits of reality that slip in.
I’ll tell you one thing, if MAGA Congressthug Cory Mills abuses one more woman, Speaker Johnson’s gonna get…oh man, SO mad, you guys. Mike’s one of those EXTRA-Christiany Christians, so devout that he compares himself to major biblical figures, and they do NOT tolerate this sort of thing…unless, of course, they need the abuser’s vote to swap millions of Americans’ healthcare for tax cuts for billionaires.
Look, I’m not saying that an inhuman cranial parasite has taken over our nation’s health apparatus, but I just got ahold of a leaked memo that says funding previously earmarked for mRNA vaccine research is to be diverted into the cloning and farming of delicious, delicious brains.
How in the bright twinkling fuck does Sean Duffy see a man capable of building a nuclear reactor ON THE MOON smiling back in the mirror? I feel like America deserves to see the good Secretary assemble some IKEA furniture before we make such a significant investment. Alone in a room, on camera, with no Buttigieg to blame.
I’d certainly pay 12 bucks to watch Will Ferrell play Sean Duffy attempting to build a nuclear reactor on the moon. Give it kind of a Ron-Burgundy-in-Armageddon vibe, but let’s maybe restore the cancer research instead, actually.
Where does this confidence COME from? Fucking Hegseth thinks he can build this Golden fucking Dome, and like, my dude, you cannot handle the “opsec” on your personal cellphone. You started a war with a tenth-rate terror gang and lost.
Start with an end table, work your way up to the multi-trillion-dollar boondoggle. Maybe. IF you get the hang of it. Which, gotta level with ya, Pete, feels less than likely.
Fucking LOOK at you, dude. Your dirtbag acting chief of staff tried to fire his White House babysitter…and failed. You felt the need to draw the world’s attention to your ties to creepy-ass Christian nationalist “pastor” Doug Wilson, who believes women shouldn’t be allowed to vote because, and let me quote this directly:
“Women are the kind of people that people come out of," Wilson said. "No, it doesn't take any talent to simply reproduce.”
Women are the kind of people…that people come out of.
Cross “spiritual leadership at the Pentagon” off your worries list, sheeple. Did I mention they’re bringing Confederate monuments back? At taxpayer expense? Because they’re bringing Confederate monuments back at taxpayer expense.
It’s definitely not a cult, but here’s a clip from Fox News in prime time of Jesse Watters composing icky/fashy fanfic shipping Sydney Sweeney and Barron Trump, who go on to beget a political dynasty, or maybe Barron turns into a giant sandworm in Book IV; I couldn’t watch the whole thing without dying of embarrassment.
Eagerly awaiting your next nugget of manhoodly wisdom, Jess. I’ve been confining soup consumption to shameful isolation as you recommended. I don’t think I feel any manlier yet, but then, I don’t eat much soup.
Apparently Bondi plucked some model of MAGA masculinity called Jared Wise straight from his Capitol Riot trial into the federal Department of Justice, because where else do you expect a burgeoning autocracy to go headhunting?
I feel like it wasn’t so very long ago when we’d’ve seen swift, broad, bipartisan consensus that video footage of a fellow calling for the murder of law enforcement officers during a terrorist assault on a government proceeding rendered said fellow unfit for service in the government, but standards change, I suppose.
Nancy Mace announced a run for South Carolina governor on a platform of chemtrail abolition. Sounds like she’s got her finger on the MAGA pulse, honestly. The “furious idiot in the grip of a vaguely entertaining mental health crisis” lane has proven the widest in many a Republican primary over the last decade.
Busloads of Antifas descended on the handful of town halls House Republicans have dared to host. What’s the point of facing voters who’re about to be safely gerrymandered into irrelevance? Yeah, a vicious, frantic redistricting fight is just what the ol’ democracy needed, Doc. We’ll be back on our feet in no time.
I thought the Library of Congress erasing a chunk of the Constitution was a little on the nose, but Dean Cain joining ICE just insults my intelligence. With plotlines this hacky, America might not get renewed for another season.
So the bitterest imaginable D-list celebrity washout joins the unaccountable police force to vent the decades of seething resentment on vulnerable migrants? Sure, why not? Get a camera crew from Project Veritas, call it something like “Lois & Himmler.” Stick it in Colbert’s old slot for spite.
ANYWAY.
Y’all ain’t ready for this comic book. It took me so long to write that it’s accidentally timely again. It’s…actually, one of the many tasks I need to complete is composing advertising copy so I can pitch it to you, but suffice to say, if you read these rants, it’s directly up your alley.
Plus, LOOK HOW RAD JASON MUHR’S ART IS:
We just hired our colorist, so brace yourself, because these teaser images are about to become even more tantalizing.
Until then, maybe the Cankle God likes beer? You can fund my drunken pseudoreligious experiments via Venmo, Cash App, or PayPal if this little rant entertained you. You can also sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com and follow @john_luzar. Even if you do none of those things, please stay safe out there, ya cheap bastard.
OH HEY, CORRECTION: In the July 11th edition of this blog, the speech balloon emanating from MechaHitler in the thumbnail image reads, “Ach, they’re always after me Epstein files,” when “Ach, they’re always after *mein* Epstein files” is clearly funnier. The management apologizes for the oversight.
Pedophile Golf Cheat Wrecks Economy, Demands Ballroom (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Someday, when my grandchildren ask me, “Pop-Pop, what was the one precise moment you were proudest t’be an American?” I’ll get to tell them about the time our felonious rapist president flew himself to Scotland at taxpayer expense to get caught cheating at golf and explain how he only got mad at Jeffrey Epstein once he started stealing the underage spa employees away. It was like a bald eagle crying directly into a hot dog casing.
(Links, etc: https://showercapblog.com/pedophile-golf-cheat-wrecks-economy-demands-ballroom/)
Before that, the relationship was all parties and pubic hair signatures. But you don’t traffic another billionaire’s child sex slave. It is simply not done. I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR.
The amazing thing about the unfolding Epstein story is that he’s somehow even grosser than we thought, which is impressive, considering we’ve long since absorbed his well-documented history of sexual assault.
Only the very shittiest among us commit sexual assault serially, surely? But then Donald Trump is somehow the shittiest guy in THAT room. The 1% of the 1% of moral degradation. And we made him PRESIDENT. Twice. No wonder he builds concentration camps.
Naw, Comey put my name in them files, but that’s okay; my politicized FBI just redacted it right back out, plus I never had the privilege of visiting pedo paradise, actually.
Waaaaaaaaait wait wait, what do you mean, priv-
Alas, I cannot tarry; I have nuclear submarines to play with and an economy to wreck. Plus I’m fucking with the President of Taiwan today. Perhaps I shall pardon Diddy later. JEEVES, BUILD ME A BALLROOM WITH THE CANCER RESEARCH MONEY.
Yeah, we let this adjudicated rapist who is quite likely also a pedophile do pretty much whatever he wants, up to and including unconstitutionally seizing “emergency” tariff powers to obliterate as much human prosperity as possible before the cankles take him.
90 deals in 90 days proved too taxing for our rapidly deafening dealmaker in chief, so he opted instead to lob rates from on high, utilizing a system based on a proprietary blend of randomness and personal grievance. Oddly enough, businesses are increasing prices.
And inflation is ticking up.
Approval numbers keep seeking ever lower depths. Anybody polling that Epstein thing? Yeah? What’s it s-YIKES.
And what’s this now? Have we hapless Dems regained the advantage in party affiliation? B-but we’re in disarray!
And I get it, downward revisions to the ol’ jobs report make for a lousy bugle when you’re launching a major trade war offensive, but it’s not our fault your ideas don’t work.
“Ideas.”
Well, never fear, the commissioner of the Bureau of Labor Statistics has been sacked, ensuring future reports will count all the jobs th’Deep State won’t: nose, whack, blow/hand, and hatchet.
See, reality is what this one rapist (and probable pedophile) says it is. Impeachments don’t technically legally count if they’re not in the Smithsonian. I bet you didn’t know that. It’s right there in the Constitution, next to the part where the President can declassify shit with his mind.
Kash Patel claimed to’ve discovered a “burn bag” full of evidence Barack HUSSEIN Obama forgot to destroy (there was a face tasting at Huma’s that night), re-exonerating the Dotard of the Russiagate hoax yet again.
Of course, all Kash actually feverishly declassified was evidence of himself failing to read all the way to the end and/or falling for Russian propaganda. When this is all over, we’re going to learn about a golden age of federal crime that flourished while law enforcement leadership was this fuckin’ dumb.
Acting NASA Administrator Sean Duffy vowed to put a by-gawd American pedophile on the moon by the end of the term, and he is already hard at work on a speech blaming Pete Buttigieg for his failure to do so.
If you find yourself lonely on these hot, sweaty summer nights, wishing someone would wrap you in their arms and privatize your Social Security, well, Treasury Secretary Scott Bessent is yer backdoor man. Yeah, the worst ideas from W-era conservatism, that’s what this party needed.
I don’t like to kink-shame, but Nancy Mace’s proudly professed fetish for deportation videos on YouTube feels a little, what’s the worrrrrd…
…evil?
Evil.
Mace claims she “can think of nothing more American,” and granted, she is bad at thinking, but that wouldn’t rate even a kid’s home version of Family Feud, y’know?
Apple pie is on that list. Baseball. Springsteen. Freedom. Rowdy Roddy Piper. Purple mountain majesties. Eagles. The Eagles. The Philadelphia Eagles. Eagly. See? That took me two seconds.
Can’t think of much that’s LESS American, if I’m honest. The Capitol Riot, sure. Tear-gassing peaceful protesters in Lafayette Square. Deporting innocent people without due process to foreign torture prisons to be sexually assaulted. Golly, I’m noticing a pattern.
Josh Hawley’s support for a ban on stock trading for government officials earned a swift public paddling from Fashy Daddy, who has enough dumb ol’ laws to follow, thank you very much. Chastised, Hawley retreated to the scrotal tanner as per chapter 19 of his book on manhood.
Texas Republicans hope to gerrymander five congressional seats out from under Democrats to offset the imminent You Only THINK You’ve Seen a Blue Wave (metaphorical) whoopin’ they’ve got coming. Of course there’ve been various threats n’ plans to counter-gerrymander in the blue states, and I suppose it’s best we work all this out before the civil war.
I see the DOGE post-mortems have begun trickling in, portraits of the emotionally underdeveloped, Elon-pilled man-babies who condemned millions to early graves for lulz. The Oliver Stone film about this stuff will be performed by a cast consisting entirely of David Dastmalchian portraying 37 different pasty incels.
It appears as though Laura Loomer has handcuffed herself to the executive branch, and instead of calling the cops, they put her in charge of HR. We’re purging the government of critical expertise for failing a racist halfwit’s loyalty tests. Weird how shit keeps falling apart.
The Trump EPA formally proclaimed NUH-UH unto one of the core truths of environmental science. Yeah, greenhouse gases are good for you now. At Secretary Brainworm’s request, Coke is adding greenhouse gases along with the real cane sugar. MAHA!
Domestic terror apologist Mike Collins announced his bid for Senate in the mythical land of Georiga, which longtime fans will recognize from Conan the Barbarian #217, or perhaps 219? The kingdom is home to a notoriously deceitful and ignorant courtier class, illiterate even in their native tongue, along with way, way too many trees.
Speaking of Senate primaries, I guess there’re South Carolinians who believe Lindsey Graham somehow does not live far enough up Trump’s ass. DUODENUM OR BUST, they shriek between mouthfuls of bath salts.
Senate Republicans confirmed Emil Bove’s lifetime appointment to the Third Circuit Court of Appeals despite 64% of the people Bove has encountered during his time on Earth lining up patiently to blow the whistle on his manifest unfitness for power, which was downright irresponsible of them.
Looks like Jeffrey Clark is about to get disbarred, which feels like a reasonable consequence to face when one participates in a criminal conspiracy to end American democracy. Don’t worry, he’ll hang onto his day job, because it’s in the Trump Administration. Creeping authoritarianism can’t afford to keep such a willing collaborator on the bench, y’know.
Word is Pete Hegseth dreams of failing at least semi-laterally into statewide office in Tennessee. Ideally, you’d like a more impressive resume than “leaked classified intel and lost a war to the Houthis,” but I suppose Marsha Blackburn’s long career tells us all we need to know about that electorate’s standards.
Attorney General Pam Bondi charged Judge James Boasberg with Insufficient Fealty to the Rapist (they snuck it into OBBB), so that’s another tyrannical thing the government is doing. Whew, there sure are lots of those things lately, huh?
Like the “bias monitors” they’re installing in the media conglomerates and Ivy League colleges they’ve been besieging/extorting, or the assassination of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, for example. No, we won’t be running out of tyranny any time soon.
Oh, what’m I yammerin’ on about? Happens in all the healthiest democracies. Seems like a good spot for a shout-out to Donnie Two Dolls’ gulag bro, Bukele, for opening the door to “serving” for life.
Ghislaine Maxwell got transferred to a minimum security prison camp, while Lawrence Taylor was named to some presidential fitness council or other, so, y’know…big week for sex criminals.
In conclusion, shit remains generally revolting and terrifying, and I’m sorry. What’s worse, the beer fridge appears to be running low, even after I fired the head of the Bureau of Beer Counting for telling me so. Feel free to bail me out from the consequences of my authoritarian tendencies via PayPal, Cash App, or Venmo. I would also like a Nobel Prize, any category, but yeah, Peace if you got it.
And yes, follow @john_luzar and get yerself on the email list at showercapblog.com, because the new comic book is finally, FINALLLLLLLLY actually on its way. Pencil art for #1 is almost complete, and it’s so good I’m pinching myself. Kickstarter soon. Stay safe out there!
Epstein Files XXVII: Epstein in Spaaaaaace! (Shower Cap/Ferret)
When last we met, President Cankles P. Rapist once again found himself with his back against the wall as Career-Ending Scandal #4,893 closed in. Of course, we’ve seen this show so many times we just assumed the Roberts Court would legalize juvenile sex trafficking via the shadow docket and that would be the end of it.
(GET THEM LINKS: https://showercapblog.com/epstein-files-xxvii-epstein-in-spaaaaaace/)
But no, we’re still on Epstein. I’m always delighted, if surprised, to find any fundamental human decency left in these folks. What’s that you say? Pedophiles are to be rudely cast out of the paradise you’re creating, lest they harsh the vibe in the concentration camps?
Shit, this is your loser death cult’s best commandment yet! I think you should start your witch hunt with well-known friends of notorious traffickers. Pay particularly close attention to those who repeatedly lech after their own offspring in public.
What would really come in handy is if you could get ahold of some sort of lovingly assembled, one-of-a-kind book of personal birthday notes composed to the trafficker by his closest chums. Be on the lookout for writing brimming with innuendo or references to “wonderful secrets.”
Obviously, anybody who disguises their signature as pubic hair in a drawing of a naked woman on a birthday card to a guy who operates an international pedophilia ring would be vile beyond imagining, so make sure not to build any cults of personality around them! Shouldn’t be a problem, because they’d be equally revolting in countless other ways.
Can’t say I’ve hated watching the Wall Street Journal dole out details in these tantalizing little “exclusives.” Oh, Pam Bondi told her boss his name was all over these files, which she once teased but now pointedly refuses to release? Golly, that sounds like the sort of thing that could make a gal invent a bullshit medical emergency to get out of a wingnut human trafficking conference.
It goes without saying th’Journal has been banished from the Shart House Press Pool, in favor of some anti-Churchill podcaster, no doubt, because pedophile autocrats are even touchier than the regular kind when it comes to the whole free press thing.
Of course, when you need to cover up evidence of your extensive ties (specifically pube signature letters) to child sex traffickers, it helps to have an entire political party at your beck and call. Senator Markwayne Mullin, for example, is only too happy to provide cover to the rapist who once sent a lynch mob to kill him.
Speaker Moses led his spineless enabler caucus to the promised land of August recess a little early this year, because they couldn’t figure out how to keep the floor open while simultaneously shielding their favorite pedophile from accountability.
But there’s no escaping Epstein, sorry, dorks. No, you don’t even get to enjoy your spiteful little victory lap over the Colbert cancellation, because here’s $1.5 billion comedy franchise South Park provocatively, some might say slanderously depicting your boy in a consensual sexual encounter with an adult demon, when we all know his proclivities lie…elsewhere.
Yeah, they’re on the run, which I imagine I’d enjoy more if I didn’t remember how Off-Brand Orbán behaves when cornered, but thanks to the aforementioned Capitol Riot…I do. He holds brainstorming sessions with the shittiest idiots alive, everybody gets fucked up on hamberders and Adderall, and whatever tickles Grampa’s fascism bone hardest wins.
Last time, he fixated on the Vice President’s certification of the election results, right? Now he’s latched onto Tulsi freaking Gabbard’s inane plot to have Barack HUSSEIN Obama arrested for treason cuz hashtagRussiaGate was a Deep HUSSEIN State false flag psyop coup or something.
Makes no sense whatsoever and withers under the slightest scrutiny, and it sure would be neat to live under a government that factored that kinda stuff in before persecuting political opponents.
Can’t rule out pardoning Ghislaine Maxwell, though. Sorry, QAnon, we might need to un-punish the one trafficker we actually caught and convicted, because none of you do the slightest diligence regarding this issue you claim to care so much about.
Newsmax got right to work rehabbing the infamous sex slaver’s reputation. “There was a rush to judgment,” said Greg Kelly, whose mom must be extra proud this week.
Elaborate procedural maneuvers have been deployed to keep Alina Habba in that job she was never qualified for, but elevating the maliciously incompetent to positions of distressing political power is, after all, the entire point of all this.
Poor, dumb Jimmy Comer keeps trying to make The Autopen happen, going so far as to fantasize about purging the federal judiciary of Biden appointees, replacing them with a soggy wad of Boves and Gaetzes, and why not Laura Loomer, really?
In response to soaring beef prices, President Cognitive Test Passer named Clara Peller as the nation’s first “Beef Czar,” on the strength of her memorable “Where’s the beef?” ad campaign. Peller, who died in 1987, is expected to number among the administration’s most effective appointees.
I think Trump and Powell have tremendous potential as a vaudeville act. Hulking, thuggish bully attempts to intimidate smaller man who repels him effortlessly, though with mounting irritation. Work a pie to the face in there someplace, and you’d really have something.
House Republicans want to rename the Opera House at the Kennedy Center after Melania, because this one child molester likes it when you desecrate shit with the family name.
A Pentagon inspector general confirms Secretary Hegseth leaked classified information during Signalgate, but don’t worry, he’s still maintained a firm enough grip on power to lose a war to the Houthis and assist Putin in the slaughter of civilians.
Congrats to everybody who got released from CECOT! I’m so happy my tyrannical government was unable to continue violating your fundamental human rights indefinitely. Good luck with all your lawsuits!
(That, incidentally, is where all your precious tariff revenue is going, Dotard, but by all means, keep promising rebate checks that will never materialize.)
The federal government celebrated major victories in their War on Thinking this week, most prominently extorting $221 million from Columbia University, money that can now be spent on gilding any remaining Oval Office surfaces instead of dumb ol’ cancer research or whatever.
Seems like every day we pull out of another global agency, and another cabinet department announces, “We’re, uh, not going to do science anymore.”
And as much as I hate it when these dorks win, it’s nice to watch the polling catch up. Brutal numbers across the board, from independents to the youth vote, ICE to inflation. And oh look, there’s that Epstein fellow again.
I don’t need Tom Homan to believe the polls. In fact, it’s better if it’s a surprise. I see we pulled our top pick in the crucial North Carolina Senate race. ‘Bout time to get started on that next Blue Wave, don’tcha think? We’re due.
Coming even sooner, at looooooooong last, is my NEW COMIC BOOK!
Friends, I have to pinch myself every time new artwork rolls in. This is gonna be one fine-lookin’ book. It’s about…oh man, everything we’ve been talking about alllllllll these years…you’ll see, you’re gonna love it. I gotta get the Kickstarter prelaunch page set up.
Until then, if you enjoyed this drunken rant, toss a few bucks in my tip jar (now accepting, you know the drill, PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App) so I don’t have to go home for a couple more hours anyway. Follow @john_luzar, and/or join the email list at showercapblog.com. And do stay safe out there…
Ew, and Other News (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, if you’ve come sniffing around this blog hoping for smug, salacious gossip about perverts in high places, I hope you’re ashamed of yourself. In this household, we honor our president’s wishes, especially the ones about ignoring his intimate friendship with the head of the most infamous child sex trafficking ring in the world.
(As ever, links n’ such may be had at this link: https://showercapblog.com/ew-and-other-news/)
Yeah, I’m switching teams, gang. Thought I should let you know right up front. I know I haven’t mentioned it often, but I sincerely care about real cane sugar that much.
I’m selling out. Not for fame or fortune, just to make Coke taste the way it did when I was six, because I’m regressing to childhood, not unlike the drooling fuckwit I’ve agreed to worship.
I’m sure I’ll come around on the concentration camps and constitutional abuses, and I’ll do my best to remember to clap whenever he brings up that cognitive test, and I believe I heard something about an Epstein? Lindsey Graham seems happy enough, I suppose, if a trifle…hollow.
Boy, he sure is proud of that cognitive test, isn’t he? He is a two-term United States President who has single-handedly derailed the once unstoppable ascension of an honest-to-gosh superpower, but the one thing he’s proudest of is passing a cognitive test.
He leads with it. Because to this day, he believes it was a hard test. He perceives a cognitive test as SO DIFFICULT that only GENIUSES could pass it. He’s challenging Democratic congresswomen to cognitive showdowns at high noon, and I say we should take him up on it, so long as we get real stakes.
The President of the United States vs. AOC and Jasmine Crockett, playing commercially available board games, simple cognitive exercises. Winner gets to fill the next federal judicial vacancy. Do a round of Monopoly just to make it mean. The only one I can think of where his feral toddler rage might create an advantage is Hungry Hungry Hippos, but of course there’s the problem of the hands…
Real cane sugar. Just belching up EOs based on the old commercials that flash by as that never particularly average brain decays. He’ll impose 58% tariffs on Sanka next week. And possibly invade Greenland. I’m sure the Roberts Court has prepared justifications for all threatened crimes in advance.
I would like to watch a really self-indulgent Meat Loaf play Donald Trump right now.
Dementia taking hold. Compulsively grabbing at anything he thinks he can take with him. The long-loyal throngs suddenly massing outside the castle gate, chanting Epstein! Epstein! Epstein! with mounting fury.
It’s Shakespearean, in a really trashy, embarrassing way that America probably deserves, and in my heart of hearts, I believe only Mr. Loaf could express it properly. Alas, it cannot be.
It is growing difficult not to notice the, um, kleptomania. He keeps, well, gathering all shiny things unto himself. Filling the Oval with the shiniest baubles from the Smithsonian was one thing, but he’s straight up stealing shit now.
Like, the thing with the soccer trophy wasn’t shady enough; he has to steal some guy’s medal at the ceremony? “Want. Take. Mine now.” Just steals it. Takes a champion athlete’s medal, puts it in his pocket, and sneaks away like a shoplifter.
All of it is to be interred with him, you understand, in the mausoleum we taxpayers are shortly to have the honor of financing. Every bit of it. The trophy and the medal and the nuclear secrets and the entire federal workforce, and JD Vance, embalmed alive to guard o’er it all, like the good little doggie he is.
…and the Epstein Files, of course.
I get why this episode has the White House so shaken. For a decade they’ve somehow managed to maintain control of one of history’s freakier cults without once needing a crowd management strategy more sophisticated than LOOK OVER THERE.
LOOK OVER THERE. Works on dogs and MAGA 100% of the time, from Access Hollywood through a criminal conspiracy to violently overturn an American election to masked cops snatching people off the streets and Alligator Alcatraz and CECOT, and don’t you miss the days when you didn’t know the names of so many extraconstitutional prisons?
LOOK OVER THERE. Undefeated. Until now.
Excuse me, did you say you’re not going to look over there? Drat, that was literally the only card in my hand.
They have no fucking clue how to get out of this now. Poor, overmatched Jimmy Comer, stomping around in a cardboard costume he made himself, “Ooooo, look over heeeeeere children, I’m the auuuuuuuutopen!” Bongino required an entire spa day.
In fairness, you did promise these people a public orgy of bloody retribution, and don’t get me wrong, everyone in my subdivision militia is wearing your cologne, but we lost a bunch of money on the meme coin, and it’s long past time to butcher the pedophiles, if you don’t mind.
Could it be that the Q Kru cannot be turned away like common JFK Jr. truthers? I had abandoned hope that this voting block still possessed the capacity for object permanence. This is how many people you can fool all of the time, I assumed. Shame they vote.
IT WAS AT THIS POINT, DEAR READER, in the composition of the ol’ fart joke blog, that I received the push notification about the, well, you saw it, the Jeffrey Epstein’s Friends Sent Him Bawdy Letters for a 50th Birthday Album. One Was From Donald Trump thing in the Wall Street Journal.
Like a lot of us, I’d never actually put much thought into the (50’s sci-fi trailer voice) EEEEEEEEEpstein Fiiiiiiiiiiiiles, because I didn’t think they’d matter because nothing seems to matter with these dorks, but I never imagined they contained the grossest possible letter anyone could conceivably type to the head of a pedophile ring, complete with a drawing “depicting a woman’s breasts and a ‘Donald’ signature in the place of pubic hair.”
In a “leather-bound book compiled by Ghislaine Maxwell.” Prime candidate for cursed tomehood right there. I bet if you say “klaatu barada nikto” while holding that book, something awful happens.
So here’s how America works in July 2025:
This One Pedophile, previously adjudicated a rapist and a felon thirty-four times over, gets to revoke your citizenship if he dislikes you. And dispatch armed marines onto American streets whenever he feels like it, wherever he feels like it. Maybe he even gets to hand-select the late-night network television lineup; we’ll see.
We are subject to his every whim. Every Walmart shopper in the nation gets to pay a tithe now. Why? So Daddy can brag about the revenue the tithe has raised. He takes the time to wave the money he’s stolen in your face before he spends it on camps and military police. Rude.
This pedophile, and the burlap sack full of half-drowned weirdos he’s chosen to serve him, would rather incinerate 500 tons of food aid than feed a few of the millions of human beings they’ve abandoned, one last time for old time’s sake. They get to rip a billion dollars in funding away from NPR and PBS overnight, like it’s a national emergency, which, well, I suppose that’s what press coverage looks like to fascists.
A child molester gets to make these decisions. For another 3 1/2 years, in fact. Unless the cankles thing turns out to be…hmmm, how to put this…
I’m writing about this specific news story not, as is customary, for the benefit of the alien archaeologists excavating the no doubt malodorous ruins of the civilization we destroy in what I assume is the near future, but for the interrogator in the gulag in the timeline where we keep colliding with every Jim Comey and Anthony Weiner on the goddamn planet.
So let’s get this out of the way: yes, it would be a massive gift to humanity if nature finally caught up to Donald Trump before he can complete his authoritarian takeover of the United States of America. That is a reasonable position for a masked political blogger to take and heck you’re gonna waterboard me anyway aren’tcha so why don’t we get to it?
Point is, we are told one of the President’s many chronic insufficiencies is “venous,” and of course you’ve all worked so passionately to create the environment where we cannot trust one word you utter on this subject, so congratulations on your success there.
Swollen ankles, nothing to worry about. Oh, also, the part of his brain where he remembers what happened during his first term? Gone. Healthiest president ever. Youngest ever, too, betcha didn’t know that. 90% approval rating.
WHY’S EVERYBODY SO WORKED UP ABOUT EPSTEIN YOU SHOULD BE GOING AFTER THE GUY WHO APPOINTED POWELL THERE’S YOUR PEDOPHILE sir you appointed Powell I’M FRIENDS WITH THE UNABOMBER and he slips another priceless national heirloom into his pocket on the way out of the room bellowing SET UP THE COGNITIVE THING WITH CROCKETT!
All this Epstein talk ruined the Butlerversary, alas. That must be very disappointing for a narcissist, particularly one watching those pasty legs swell and swell. Pretty inconvenient time to wander within piñata range of an increasingly impatient hate cult, actually.
What you could use right around now is some problem-solving skills, but you’ve screened that shit out as a matter of policy, so all you’ve got is Boebert, mid-handjob, helpfully hollering like a drunk at an improv show MAKE MATT GAETZ THE SPECIAL COUNSEL.
I KNOW says one of them, probably Tuberville, LET’S FIRE THE PROSECUTOR FROM THE EPSTEIN CASE and that’s what they did, because they are dumb and overwhelmed, and firing people makes them feel powerful.
My god, it’s been a whole week, and they haven’t been able to make it go away. More than a week. Object permanence, who knew?
Lookit alllllll the vicious little freaks that suddenly want a thwack at the piñata. There’s Alex Jones; he’s a husky boy. Is that Nick Fuentes? I imagine he’s deceptively wiry. There’s Elon and even Rob Schneider. Okay, this party got too cool for me, but you boys have fun. Call me if you need more thwacking sticks.
Now he’s suing Fox and Murdoch. Let’s hope that’s a long, grinding process, where the two sides keep passing an unusually explosive gastrointestinal bug back and forth.
Still, I don’t understand how anybody can get worked up over a birthday card with Minneapolis in the state it’s in. Why, it’s one BLM protest shy of an active war zone, Stephen Miller told me so. The parks aren’t safe. Only masked, militarized, totally unaccountable law enforcement can prevent what’s happening in Minneapolis from coming to YOUR TOWN.
You can’t blame Senate Judiciary Republicans for wanting to minimize scrutiny of the first of these fashy new picks for the federal bench, now that the Federalist Society has been cast out. You would think the idea of handing a lifetime of power and influence to an autocrat’s flunky would repel every single serving senator regardless of party affiliation; that was certainly the country I was promised in my beloved AP American History textbook, but alas, we got not titans but Tillis.
I’m thinking about compiling these sad little tantrums Thom’s been pitching as he fades, for a one-man show about a weak man disappearing.
I’ll stride out into my spotlight, full of the vim and verve of one who waited until late in life to locate the courage to draw a line in the sand, and by gum, I won’t be bullied any longer, I’m tellin’ the TRUTH from now on and then just as I’m about to launch into my opening song, Stephen Miller slithers out and says, “Masssster needsss you to confirm a loyal ssservant to the Third Sssircuit,” and I DROP to my knees YES SIR OF COURSE SIR and for the rest of the evening I get smaller and smaller until I’m balled up in the fetal position and I drag myself offstage with my lips.
If Josh Hawley worked as hard for his constituents as he does to deceive them, maybe so many of them wouldn’t’ve lost their health care coverage. Josh votes for the cuts, the cuts become law, then Josh announces with great fanfare his new bill to repeal some of the least popular cuts, which he will never once lift a finger to pass. Won’t stop him from bringing it up on the campaign trail, I imagine, and if you fall for it, you deserve to have Josh Hawley represent you in Washington.
Meet Derek Huffman, but don’t get too attached to him, since he fled the wicked US of A for Russia “to avoid LGBTQ+ indoctrination,” only to get press-ganged by Putin and sent to the Ukrainian front. What happens when we fuck around, Derek?
You’ll sleep soundly knowing “creating MechaHitler” isn’t a dealbreaker when it comes to $200 million defense contracts.
“Before I sign over two hundred million taxpayer dollars, can you promise your AI won’t turn into some sort of artificial, mechanical Hitler?”
“Clearly I cannot.”
“Ah well, nevertheless. Okay, let’s get you into the Pentagon mainframe, MechaHitler!”
Okay, I gotta get to my waterboarding. It’s not so bad, plus I’m told they use Coke with real cane sugar on your birthday, so that’s something to look forward to. If you enjoyed this drunken diatribe, my beer fund now accepts PayPal, Cash App, Venmo, and lascivious birthday doodles. Follow @john_luzar, and sign up for regular emails on showercapblog.com! And stay safe out there!
Superman vs. MechaHitler, for the Epstein Files, and Other History Lessons You'll Be Afraid to Teach Your Grandkids
Well, I spent the week curled up snugly within my windmill house writing folk songs. Here’s what I came up with:
In MacArthur Park they’re marching in the dark
All those creepy ICE guys running ‘round
Someone left our rights out in the rain
Now that weirdo who bought Twitter
Just created MechaHitler
Will we ever have democracy again?
And then Stephen Miller bursts through the wall like some spindly, brownshirt Kool-Aid Man, shrieking OHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
(As ever, links n’ such: https://showercapblog.com/superman-vs-mechahitler-for-the-epstein-files-and-other-history-lessons-youll-be-afraid-to-teach-your-grandkids/)
If I’m honest, I shouldn’t be writing this blog, and you shouldn’t be reading it. We should all be pouring all available (metaphorical, obviously) gasoline onto the circular firing squad occurring within the typically surprisingly harmonious MAGA dumpster fire over the Epstein Files.
This is another one you gotta do in a 50s sci-fi trailer voice. Cup your hands so you get an echo. The Eeeeeeeeepsteeeeeeein Fiiiiiiiiiiles.
I get why they’re mad, hard as you’ve been gridin’ on ‘em with this Epstein shit. You owe ‘em at least a handjob.
As long as I can remember, you’ve been promising this culture this massive, cathartic orgy of ceremonial public violence, legitimized by the apparatus of state justice just as soon as we can seize it, because All the People We Happen to Hate are Also Conveniently Pedophiles, only it turns out, through a frankly zany set of coincidences, that we have constructed the largest, most dangerous cult of personality in human history around a man of so many vices you sorta had to expect pedophilia would be on the list and well, it is.
But we knew that! We’ve all seen the photographs of your boy literally partying with (cups hands) Eeeeeeeepsteeeeeeeein, and we’ve heard the Access Hollywood tape. You can hear him lech on his own daughter with Howard Stern.
So you wanna say, “c’mon, how did you not see this coming?” but of course everyone involved is in miles over their head; they don’t see Tuesday coming. And since the Russian spy in charge of staffing has diligently obstructed all but the smoothest brains from joining the White House comms shop, the best anybody could come up with was Instead of Epstein Files...No.
Heh. Not even a thank you for your attention to this matter? That’s just impolite.
Are we watching the moment when the washed brains finally burst? Because I need to charge some camcorder batteries.
This is the QAnon wing of the coalition arriving at Wally World only to find the park closed. With a bloodthirsty hate cult in the Chevy Chase role.
From “the files’re ON MY DESK, right there in between the framed photograph of my beautiful family and the stack of authorizations to seize human beings off our streets and deport them to black sites on foreign soil” to “silly rabbit, the Epstein Files are an old wives’ tale!” Odd it’s not working.
“We are regrettably unable at this time to dispense the long-promised deluge of accountability surrounding the world’s most infamous pedophilia ring, as doing so would reveal inconvenient truths about the not-particularly-golden calf we’ve been bowing to.”
So there’s a schism in Dipshitopia. And if Dan Bongino wants to huff and puff and resign from the very important job he never should’ve had, I’m willing to provide cupcakes for the going away party.
FUCK YES, poke at one another for a change. With your pointy little sticks. Is there a pointy stick fund I can contribute to, or…or, my goodness, could it be that Elon Musk, spurned by the court, seeks that role for himself? I love that for everyone involved.
If Kid Ketamine really wants to fling the full force of his manic, petty spite against the fascists for locking him out of the clubhouse, that’s probably as healthy a use for his resources as we’re likely to luck into.
We’ve caught all the shitty breaks lately, so it’s nice to daydream about a scenario where Pied Piper Elon impishly seduces just enough creepy-crawlies away from the tent to widen the Senate map, right?
You get a knockout candidate with a good, clear story to tell, running against Herschel Walker’s Brain in a Vat, who spends the whole campaign fielding flak from some telegenic young Aryan screaming about pedophilia through the biggest bullhorn billions can buy?
Stranger things have happened. I’m an old Cubs fan; I can talk myself into anything this far out.
And again, I am delighted to leave the issue of funding to Mr. Musk, but if that doesn’t pan out, I don’t want anybody going without pointy sticks just so I can have my Starbucks.
Fair warning, side effects may include urban rampages by kaiju-sized Hitlerbots, though I’m sure we can count on Godzilla in that scenario.
Yes, as these tragically subpar behemoths slap fight over our civilization, we should probably stop to note that one of them seems to have briefly created an artificial intelligence that opted to self-identify as, and yes, this will be on the test, “MechaHitler.”
You see, Musk got mad at the AI he bought because he told it to be honest, but that meant hearing he was wrong (about some fairly substantial shit!), so he gutted it in order to relaunch with a voice more to his personal liking, and what came out first, what came out in mere hours, in fact…was MechaHitler.
The thing that sucks about this movie is now we all understand he’s TRYING to create MechaHitler, and he’s going to keep on trying to create MechaHitler, But in Sunglasses and a Fake Beard, and we can’t turn the movie off, only hope he runs out of money or time.
I see Comey and Brennan are t’be officially vindictively persecuted by the federal government. I feel like you’re supposed to send a card for that. “If only the secret police disappeared Mondays instead of your spouse/parent/child.”
Well, the understandably loathed Big Fat Wad of Things Only Assholes Want is officially the law of the land, and now Republicans have to “sell” it, which means distracting the marks while they make their getaway, confident they’ll be able to stick Dems with the check when it comes. And hey, I understand how you arrived at your confidence in that plan.
…but I don’t think these people’re going home without them Epstein Files, fellas.
I honestly believe they wouldn’t mind learning you straight up lied about stealing their health insurance or eliminating taxes on Social Security if you just let them see, once in their lives, the gruesome public execution of a reasonably generous portion of the People We Hate, Who Are All Conveniently Pedophiles.
Pro tip for dangerous times: the way to spot an artificial Marco Rubio is you ask it to discard a core principle in exchange for power, and if it hesitates, it’s obviously a very crude robot.
You’ll be shocked to hear the malignant narcissist made it a lil’ easier to endorse politicians from the pulpit, though I’ll bet you all my TrumpCoin this turns out to be one of those rights that doesn’t extend to all pulpits equally.
So, legitimate question: is Hegseth playing God or just drunkenly passing out atop large red buttons? Paused weapons shipments to a live front without mentioning it to anybody first. After the Signal thing, why is this goofball still permitted access to this kind of power? Not that it isn’t fun watching the President learn about what his administration is doing in real time.
How many Overmatched Dimwit Fucks Up (Yes, Again) headlines does it take to get fired from this Cabinet? You have to have somebody better than this g-oh, right (smacks forehead), kakistocracy.
Thom Tillis knew all along they were nuthin’ but a buncha unqualified flunkies, and he genuinely intended to call his senator to sternly urge a No vote come confirmation time, but he was too busy playing with his favorite rubber stamp that week.
A whistleblower confirmed and expanded upon previous tales of Trump lackey Emil Bove’s authoritarian tendencies, so he probably shouldn’t be a federal judge, right? We’ll see about this newfound integrity when it’s time for that vote, won’t we, Thom?
The Federal Bureau of Investigation has apparently been administering lie detector tests to its own people, hoping to unmask the culprit who has been composing naughty magnetic poetry limericks about Director Patel on the break room fridge. I assume DOGE is all over this.
Condolences go out to the entire Turd Reich, top to bottom; natural disasters are rough on a kakistocracy. All that Fraud n’ Waste™️ the chainsaw-wielding drug addict so boisterously removed keeps turning out to be the stuff we used to keep our families alive. The flooding in Texas forced the inevitable collision between bluster and reality in predictably tragic fashion.
We actually built a whole system to protect people in this exact situation, but our government dismantled that system with reckless abandon, and now children are dead.
Kristi Noem’s vainglorious micromanagement delayed deployment of FEMA search and rescue teams by 72 hours. Apologies to any terrified 9-year-old girls who were only able to hold out for 65 hours; the Secretary was fielding pitches for a Brunhilde-themed shoot at Alligator Alcatraz. It’s coming out a little too Kill the Wabbit at the moment, but we’ll find it. Shame about those kids, but they were weak.
Anyhow, while we’re forced to suffer the malfeasance for the duration of the term corresponding to the electoral result, spare us the goddamn thoughts and prayers show, just this once.
Mike Johnson bleating about feeling “just as helpless as everyone else does,” when he’s the guy flipping all the help switches off…it’s one of those periodically perfect snapshots of MAGA’s rotting core.
Like, you’re still holding the lifeline you cut, you little weasel. It’s obscene. If you’re not even gonna set up a table and hand out coffee, have the decency to keep your mouth shut.
At least we can rest easy, knowing this can never happen again once Marjorie Taylor Greene gets her weather modification ban passed. It’s a slippery slope straight to space laser control, if you ask me. I may spend the weekend in the bathtub, contemplating the ethics of a Congress of Madmen outlawing their own delusions.
Having perhaps grown temporarily weary of banging his Ivy League Legos against the sidewalk, President Regressing-to-Rich-Kid-Petulance again demanded the global economy to play with, and Uncle Lutnick dutifully retrieved the Easy Bake Tariff Oven, so we’re back on that bullshit. Yay.
He seems t’be writing the announcement letters himself, or at least dictating them to Kid Rock. The letters are immaculate horror stories; blustering decrees from a decomposing brain that never quite attained that elusive fifth grade reading level…with the force of the law, because America elected that brain twice.
Rates are now linked to This One Rapist’s personal grievances, as the Founders intended. Summits with global leaders have transformed into grotesque groveling and graft rituals. Kiss the Rapist’s ass on worldwide television, why, I suddenly don’t see any need for any tariff at awwwwwwwl, mah good man.
But the Rapist aspires to autocracy; THEREFORE, any nation that dares to prosecute its own fallen tyrant wannabes, thy tariff rate shall henceforth be set at infinity percent times two no take-backs, and then we all learn a bunch of random facts about how our economy is intertwined with Brazil’s and all the strange n’ interesting jobs of all the nice people who will lose their life’s work to this colicky manchild’s latest whim.
The international economy right now is like a Toy Story movie in the Twilight Zone, humanity’s most powerful soldiering on as best as they can, desperate to avoid the attention of history’s shittiest rich kid, lest they be selected for the day’s play session.
Tell you what, though, the soft, sloppy old crook might just land that Nobel Peace Prize, since every government on Earth is about to nominate him, hoping to avoid a casual fiscal carpet-bombing.
Shout out to comeback kid The Measles for continuing that long, hard climb back from eradication, with cases hitting a 33-year high. Say it like Sylvester. Thirty-three.
How far back does this dial go? Will we live to see the DeSantistan Camps converted into leper colonies? Perhaps in Book IV, when Eric is a sandworm?
The new Superman flick triggered a particularly embarrassing ragegasm from the nation’s seemingly endless supply of culture war dead-enders. It’s Super-WOKE, you see, cuz Clark doesn’t spend the movie terrorizing farm laborers.
Ah, but speaking of superheroes in an age of fashy shenanigans, this comic book I’ve been working on so long is fiiiiiiiiiinally in production and lookin’ mighty sweet if I do say so myself.
We’ll get that Kickstarter prelaunch page up soon. You’re gonna dig this one, friends. Until then, if this diatribe earned your nervous chuckles, the tip jar accepts Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo! Follow @john_luzar and/or sign up for regular updates from showercapblog.com! And stay safe out there, if you’re able…
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 693