TheFerret
TheFerret's JournalI Should Use "Ballroom Blitz" in the Title, I Bet Nobody Else Thought of That (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I feel like “And that’s when the mentally deteriorating game show host unexpectedly demolished an entire wing of the White House to make room for a playpen financed by bribes” will be the moment the American history students of the future start complaining about the credibility of the narrative.
(U know u want my hot, hot links: https://showercapblog.com/i-should-use-ballroom-blitz-in-the-title-i-bet-nobody-else-thought-of-that/)
Of course this assumes the United States still exists and that anyone who lives there can read, neither of which I would count on the way things’re going.
Y’know who would never defile a beloved national monument? The thinly veiled Captain America analogue I created for my new comic book, which you can back on Kickstarter right now!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/general-washington-and-the-liberty-tree/posts/4517421
…more on that in a minute.
Anyway, at least I got through that whole protest march without a rapist pooping on me or artillery shrapnel from a couchhumping wannabe autocrat’s sad, flaccid show of force falling on my head.
Poor MAGA. They wanted violence at the No Kings rallies so badly, or, at the very least, low enough turnout to indicate all the fashy shenanigans had induced the desired state of intimidation and despair, but instead, seven million of us marched peacefully, two million more than last time.
I suppose the next best thing to that longed-for excuse to unleash state violence on your political enemies is to post a shoddy AI video of yourself dumping poo on them from a badass fighter jet, or at least I can see how it might seem that way from a suitably advanced state of dementia.
Or perhaps the quarter of a billion dollars he’s trying to loot from the Treasury will fill that howling chasm where person’s soul would be. Don’t worry, though; he’s gonna give it to charity. Cuz he’s such a charitable fellow, you see.
Sorry, Mr. President, I need that money to pay for Argentine beef and also for medicine to treat the foot-and-mouth disease I caught from the Argentine beef.
I understand American beef ranchers have been insufficiently appreciative of the administration’s extensive efforts on behalf of their (checks notes) competitors, to which I say: the poop jet is already refueled and ready to go.
…though it might be on that aircraft carrier headed to Venezuela, now that I think of it. Yeah, your kids have to make do with two dolls this Xmas, but nobody’s skimping on the Dotard’s war toys, that’s for sure.
A couple of “narcoterrorists” actually survived one of his boat strikes, only to be swiftly sent back to their home country, which is standard operating procedure when you have enough evidence of criminal wrongdoing to blow up a boat with human beings aboard.
Since all this lawless bloodshed is allegedly in the name of combating drug trafficking, we should probably note that Marco Rubio betrayed a number of MS-13 informants who had been cooperating to help his buddy Bukele cover up his own ties to the notorious, um, gosh this is awkward…drug cartel. And yeah, that sounds bad, but see, we needed a gulag to illegally deport hairdressers to, so obviously that’s worth no one ever trusting U.S. law enforcement again.
The Most Transparentest Administration Ever™️ proudly introduces…MyPentagon!
Yes, having evicted every news outlet to the left of Newsmax (NEWSMAX!), Secretary Funsoxx announced he will be funneling disinformation through the skeeviest freaks n’ geeks of the entire wingnut jagoffosphere, including outlets owned and operated by a paid Russian stooge, a Shakespeare in the Park-disrupting Pizzagate aficionado, the guy who owes a billion and change to the Sandy Hook families he defamed, and yes, Mike Lindell.
Hey, if you look to a demented bedding merchant for national security news, you probably don’t care how many $70 million jets fall into the ocean anyway.
Fox’s unexpected burst of journalistic integrity doesn’t extend to disciplining Laura Ingraham for going into business with Rapist Jr., of course. This is a different Rapist Jr. endeavor than the one that just landed that massive Pentagon contract, though. Thank heaven they drained that swamp, right?
Sure, Changpeng Zhao laundered money for ISIS and Al-Qaeda, but he also brought a couple billion dollars worth of cryptocurrency to Discount Donnie’s Pardon Pavilion, so I imagine you can guess what happened next.
The heist movies of the next decade or so are gonna be so boring, you guys.
WE’RE GONNA ROB FORT KNOX!
Holy shit, WHAT? Can’t be done! How?
WE OFFER THE PRESIDENT 10% OF THE TAKE and then he hands them the key and the credits roll.
I’m embarrassed I ever got upset about my health insurance bill doubling. In my defense, I didn’t understand that the government needed that money to buy Kristi Noem two private jets. I wouldn’t wish the monotony of flying from torture prison photo shoot to torture prison photo shoot on the same boring ol’ private jet day in and day out on anybody, unless they were, I dunno, deploying an army of masked thugs to tear gas civilians in the city where I fucking live or somethin’
Incidentally, I got some comments last week about how I’m not supposed to “fat-shame” the brownshirt goons who’re terrorizing families blocks from my front door, from some folks with absolutely stellar priorities.
This is particularly challenging in light of the news that ICE recruits are, in fact, frequently as physically deficient as they are ethically so, but I wouldn’t want to upset the language police, aka the most useful, productive members of our coalition, who certainly haven’t pushed anyone out of our tent into MAGA’s waiting arms. Thanks for all you do, guys!
Project 2025 clearly states the talking teevee box is only allowed to show stuff Fashy Daddy likes, like teenage beauty pageants and ads for autographed Bibles, so when he saw that clip of “Bedtime for Bonzo” star Ron Reagan talking about how ass-backward fucking dumb tariffs are, naturally Canada had to pay.
Joining Zombie Reagan in the Resistance is Kenny Loggins, who will command Antifa’s 26th inflatable frog brigade. The rule of threes dictates one additional prominent 1980s figure signing up, so I’m hoping for Max Headroom or Spuds MacKenzie, though I’m willing to settle for the Noid.
Speaker Moses invited Chip Roy to spice up the House GOP’s daily shutdown propaganda dump with a little Christian nationalism, presumably because the Establishment Clause was feeling neglected amidst the wider assaults on the rest of the First Amendment.
The ACLU filed a lawsuit on behalf of an American citizen who was detained by agents of the Reich for exercising his constitutional right to mock jackbooted dorks with iconic John Williams tracks, and actually, maybe our best shot at defeating this shit lies in litigating away that massive ICE budget appropriated in the Big, Bloated aBomination one civil rights case at a time.
I guess Paul Ingrassia wasn’t lying when he boasted of his “Nazi streak” in the latest leaked racist group chat (not to be confused with last week’s leaked racist group chat), because who but a Nazi could be pathetic enough to dispatch his fucking MOM to Capitol Hill to save the political career he doomed with extensively documented bigotry?
This week in ick: as a lil’ thank-you for illegally dismantling so much of the government, seems a certain serial sex offender tried to get his pal Russ Vought laid. He knew just what number to call, too, but then he remembered the guy hanged himself in that jail cell.
James Comey and Letitia James both seek dismissal of the regime’s vindictive charges on the grounds that overmatched strip mall insurance attorney Lindsey Halligan was appointed not just foolishly, but illegally. And while they certainly have a strong case there, I confess I hate being cheated of the opportunity to watch this clown attempt prosecution.
Can you imagine? If she thinks she can retroactively take a conversation with a journalist off the record, what else doesn’t she know about? Cross-examination? I think Comey in particular should take one for the team, y’know? After plunging the nation into authoritarianism, the guy owes us some laffs.
Everybody’s mad at pardoned Capitol rioter Christopher Moynihan for threatening to murder House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries, but given the company he’s in, I think he’s to be commended for not getting arrested with a phone full of kiddie porn.
ANYWAY
Yeah, watching the desecration of the people’s house reminded me of all the warm, sticky feelings I have for this country, not that I need reminding, as I’ve been pouring them into this comic book, which is FINALLY ready after three years of toil.
I loved seeing all the flags and such at the No Kings protests. It is loooooong past time we clawed the symbols of patriotism back from these creeps, and I hope that my humble comic can be some small part of that. It is very much about the struggle over these very symbols. I truly believe you’ll dig it.
So check out our Kickstarter! Jason Muhr’s artwork is insanely good, and you saw our Kickstarter-exclusive alternate cover, by the great Kelly Williams, above (on my blog site anyway)! We have some Early Bird discounts that’re good for a few more days only, so pledge now! (The tip jar still accepts Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo, of course.)
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/general-washington-and-the-liberty-tree/posts/4517421
Ok, that’s what I’ve got this week, friends. Stay safe out there…and BUY MY (comic) BOOK!
I Have Seen the Face of Fascism and it is Fat (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Salutations, comrades! I assume your Soros-funded monthly subscription box of extra-flammable flags has arrived, so it’s time at last to proceed to the final stage of Operation: Jade Helm…THE FROGGENING!
(Read this post in stunning FATOVISION here: https://showercapblog.com/i-have-seen-the-face-of-fascism-and-it-is-fat/)
Hating America just feels…I dunno, somehow hate-ier in an inflatable animal costume, don’tcha think?
Yes, Donald Trump is trembling in his well-licked, cankle-distended boots tonight, especially since Stephen Miller assured him this whole “right to assemble peacefully” thing would be dealt with by now.
I’m told kinks in the tear gas supply chain are to blame there. And sure, you’re probably more focused on the astronomical increase in beef prices, but take it from a Chicago resident: your typical two-stormtrooper ICE household (well, “barracks,” I suppose) goes through a LOT of tear gas.
Gotta make sure that police state grows up big and strong. And don’t get me wrong, illegally detaining and abusing 170 U.S. citizens is a solid start, but with so many millions rallying around the No Kings banner, your Actually, We Should Have an Unusually Dumb King, One Who Thinks a Cognitive Test is Hard movement might need some help.
I know everyone’s a critic, but I confess I found DeSantistan’s performance as “War-Torn Chicago, IL” in DHS’ mendacious propaganda film hammy and unconvincing. The palm trees were a particularly lazy giveaway, as were the rampaging Antifa hordes eating hot dogs with ketchup.
That said, when a photograph of our chonky Texan invaders went viral, Secretary Hegseth put his foot down, clad in extra-fun socks for emphasis: this fascist assault on the public shall tolerate NO FATTIES. This strikes me as counterintuitive; you’d figure you’d want as much weight as possible behind the boot on the filthy dissenter’s neck, right?
Standards in the Young Republicans are, it seems, somewhat more, ahem, lax.
According to vindictively leaked group chats, it turns out the next generation of MAGA leadership is mainly into rape, Hitler, and cake, surprising lots and lots of you, I’m sure.
So if anybody’s in the market for an incel to, I dunno, guzzle the grease can under your kitchen sink, quite a few are suddenly available.
I’d act fast, though, before they all wind up on JD Vance’s staff. Sure, ideally you’d want your Vice President to condemn such repulsive bigotry, but you know, boys will be boys and men in their thirties will be boys and without racist man-children JD’s political future probably peaks at podcasting, soooooo…
Having observed Donnie Two-Dolls’ unrestrained glee at terrorizing Caribbean fishermen, I can’t say it’s surprising that he’s escalating his Peace Prize-worthy conflict with Venezuela, authorizing the CIA to conduct clandestine operations while threatening land strikes, and ousting any admirals who question the legality. The bloodthirst seems to be rising in direct correlation to the cognitive decline, so that’s another fun collision course we’re on.
If and when we manage to wrestle our country back from these maniacs, we should build new safeguards accordingly. Think of all the trouble we could’ve avoided with a law that said something like, say, “In order to deploy military assets, a president must first demonstrate rudimentary mental competence by performing a simple, everyday task.”
…like closing an umbrella, for example.
Anyway, not only did Off-Brand Orbán lose the Nobel to some broad who hasn’t starved thousands of children to death, but Time magazine failed at the insurmountable challenge of publishing a photograph where he doesn’t look like a rapidly decomposing lump of abandoned coleslaw. So he’s basically never not whining now, which is fun.
The Most Transparentest Administration Ever™️ revoked damn near the entire Pentagon Press Corps’ access badges when even Fox, shit, when even NEWSMAX refused to go along with their First Amendment-shredding stenography oath. Tune in to OAN for the official party line, if you’re curious; anything else you should be able to pull directly off the Secretary’s Snapchat.
In an era when masked thugs with badges threaten to shoot ambulance drivers, it seems almost quaint to complain about Hatch Act violations, but I think I should be able to deduct my share of the production budget for Kristi Noem’s latest vanity project from my taxes, especially since so many lamestream liberal airports refuse to even show it.
Fans of the weaponized DoJ (and congrats to John Bolton on his shiny new indictment) are already buzzing about the hot new spinoff: Weaponized IRS! Featuring a whole new crew of authoritarian lackeys hellbent on persecuting this one rapist’s enemies with all the power the state can muster. And hey, if it doesn’t take off, maybe they can add Worf in season 4.
Now that RFK Jr. has overseen another round of gutting at the CDC on top of an ever-widening measles outbreak, he’s been able to make time for his true passion: ranting about teenage boys’ sperm count. “Our parents aren’t having children,” he further babbled, in what was unfortunately not an SNL sketch but real life.
Good news for everyone who got upset about that $20 billion bailout for Argentina: the Reich now intends to make it TWICE AS BIG! No doubt Javier Milei will send personalized thank-you notes to every American whose stolen health insurance paid for his economic blunders, just as soon as he’s done throwing rock concerts starring himself.
Messaging Maestro Moses Johnson doesn’t want to talk about the domestic abusers he needs to maintain his fragile majority, he wants to talk about serious shit, like how “No Kings” is Pig Latin for “Hamas rules,” plus all the super legitimate reasons to deny the Americans residing in Arizona’s 7th congressional district their constitutional right to representation in Washington, which have nothing whatsoever to do with keeping the Epstein files buried, though he admits that’s a pleasant side effect anyway here’s another week’s vacation, yay!
I bet Little Marco feels like a big, big man, ordering the State Department to revoke visas, six so far, for thoughtcrime against MAGA’s martyred spokesbigot. It’s just a shame this new policy will deal such a crippling blow to the nation’s ability to conduct diplomacy, since a certain prominent politician chose the latest Reichstag Charlie deification ritual to brag, in front of the guy’s wife, about how much better at dodging he is.
Apparently, Ghislaine Maxwell gets special treatment in that cushy, minimum-security correctional facility she’s not legally entitled to be in, including prison-wide lockdowns to ensure privacy when she receives visitors who probably just want to say hi to their favorite child sex trafficker and definitely not to offer a presidential pardon on behalf of an old client.
Shoot, maybe our old friend George Santos can pay her a little visit now that his sentence has been commuted. The rule of law is kinda like my metabolism in my 20s, in that I didn’t appreciate it nearly enough at the time.
Incendiary leftist political rhetoric remains out of control. Why, one prominent voice went so far as to liken congressional Republicans to Putin’s docile, domesticated Duma, which is wildly inappropriate, given the clim—oh wait hang on that was Steve Bannon, and he was bragging. Nevertheless.
Yeah, well, didja see where that one lady called her opponents “terrorists, illegal aliens, and violent criminals”? Okay, that one was from a Republican, too, but you have to give Karoline Leavitt props for her megarad Your Mom jokes.
Eric Trump thinks his rapist dad deserves more credit for saving Christianity. From the teachings of Christ, presumably.
Nobody tell Kid Kompromat, but it looks like Russia’s got a new useful idiot. Yeah, I guess Anna Paulina Luna finally saved up enough borscht box tops to send away for the Kremlin’s official files on the JFK assassination. Oliver Stone hardest hit.
Okay, folks, the Kickstarter for my next comic book goes live THIS COMING TUESDAY, October 21st!
GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #1 is a superhero political thriller for the world outside our window. How do you fight for truth, justice, and the American way when we’re tearing ourselves apart over what those things mean?
Who owns America and her symbols? Who’s allowed to wear them, wave them, kill in their name?
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/general-washington-and-the-liberty-tree?tab=prelaunch-updates
It’s been a long, long (looooooooong) journey to bring this story to life, and I do think y’all will dig it. Also, for the FIRST WEEK only, our Early Bird tiers offer both a discount AND a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to be immortalized on the thank-you page of our initial print run!
So while I certainly won’t say no to any beer fund donations (accepting Venmo, Cash App, and PayPal!), I have a truly unhealthy amount of self-esteem tied up in this comic book, so if you have to choose, choose the Kickstarter. As always, sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com, follow @john_luzar, and stay safe out there!
See you at the rally tomorrow!
How Many Boats Does a Guy Have to Blow Up to Get a Nobel Peace Prize Around Here? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
I write to you tonight from war-torn Chicago, where busloads of Antifas have run amok, smashing our deep-dish pizzas into that flat, flaccid shit they sell in New York. Luckily, heroic agents of ICE have been firing pepperoni balls at the traumatized populace, ensuring —
Sorry, what’s that? Pepper balls? Well, no wonder that pastor was so upset. Say, this isn’t emergency pizza triage at all! This is tyranny!
(Links n’ the shiniest of colors await, as ever, HERE: https://showercapblog.com/how-many-boats-does-a-guy-have-to-blow-up-to-get-a-nobel-peace-prize-around-here/)
Yeah, we’re having a grand old time here in the Windy City, as the nation’s Kooky Kakistocrat Kabal beta-tests martial law. We did get that fun little restraining order to prevent DHS from using excessive force against reporters and protesters, because one of the funnest things about being American right now is that you have to go to court to stop your government from violently suppressing your constitutional rights.
Only thing funner is watching regime media manufacture consent for the crackdown with the laziest lies this side of “drug prices are going down 1500%.” Kash Patel knows damn well there aren’t 110,000 gang members in Chicago, but he’ll keep zip-tying naked children until he finds every single one.
Ah, well. At least things aren’t as bad as they are in Portland, thank God; we still have stores and windows. Hopefully the Inflatable Frog Brigade can keep the 82nd Airborne tied down long enough to give us a chance to throw up some barricades before Off-Brand Orbán invokes the Insurrection Act.
Yeah, ahead of the next round of No Kings protests (hope t’see y’all there!), Republicans’re giddily branding all participants as “terrorists,” so I guess we’re done with the whole “toning down the incendiary rhetoric” thing.
(Oh look, as I type this, ICE thugs are violently detaining members of the local media on the streets I walk every single week. Funner and funner!)
If there’s a more sinister sound than Stephen Miller hissing about “plenary authority,” well, I’m sure we’ll hear it before Thanksgiving, because they are GOING FOR IT, y’all. Once they run out of nannies to terrorize, ICE is to be redeployed against liberal activist groups, while the weaponized DoJ targets George Soros, and Elon cheerleads for a Bukele-style purge of the judiciary from his ketamine cave.
Letitia James became the latest Enemy o’ the State™️ to get indicted on spurious charges by the President’s insurance attorney, though it looks like she’ll soon have John Bolton to keep her company in the gulag.
…yeah, I just cannot figure out how that Nobel Peace Prize slipped through his stunted, ineffectual fingers. You know he’s second-guessing his entire reign, like, “Did I not blow up enough fishing boats or un-eradicate enough diseases?”
Perhaps some sort of clue can be uncovered in the week’s news headlines?
Here’s one:
“Starving children screaming for food as US aid cuts unleash devastation and death across Myanmar”
Or howzabout:
“Trump’s USAID pause stranded lifesaving drugs. Children died waiting.”
OH THAT’S RIGHT, he’s responsible for more suffering and death than anyone alive except maybe Putin! I forgot!
“B-b-but nobody’s EVER ended SEVEN wars in SEVEN months!”
That’s correct. Donald Trump certainly hasn’t. He sure has starved a bunch of kids to death, though.
Of course the Children of the Candy Corn are taking the snub hard, because the First MAGA Commandment says the more Fashy Daddy repeats a lie, the truer it becomes. Those uppity Norwegians pierced their precious bubble, and reality came pouring in, which is the one thing they simply can’t abide.
Speaking of big, fat, stupid lies, several participants in the criminal conspiracy to overturn the 2020 election expressed disapproval of law enforcement’s investigations into their treasonous conduct before returning to their day jobs, writing laws the rest of us have to follow here in the healthiest of all possible democracies.
I see the Dotard swung by Walter Reed for his second “annual physical” in six months; just your standard cankle-draining-and-a-cognitive-test check-up. Hey doc, you got anything for facial droop? I dunno, Botox, or maybe a thumbtack?
Some good news: gas will finally hit $1.99 per gallon next year, but only if you pay with the illegally minted $1 coins the U.S. Treasury plans to issue to commemorate the nation’s 250th birthday with the graven image of a rapist.
Donnie Two-Dolls pledged to “take a look at” pardoning notorious sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell, because those Epstein files definitely don’t contain a series of complaints, of escalating intensity, that the underage “massage therapists” do not sufficiently resemble a certain someone’s daughter.
We may never know, since Mike Johnson clearly hopes to keep the government in perpetual shutdown, lest he be forced to seat Adelita Grijalva, or as he likes to call her, Vote 218 on Massie’s F@*%ing Discharge Petition.
Oh yeah, the government remains shut down, by the way. You could be forgiven for not noticing; it’s usually a much bigger deal, but it’s tough to crack the front page with the executive branch constantly expanding its multi-front war on the citizenry.
In fact, Speaker Moses keeps extending his caucus’ paid vacation, apparently because he imagines he can handle messaging all by his lonesome, which is adorable. If they ever do a biopic of Mike Johnson, it’ll be a cartoon about a rubber stamp that thinks it’s Speaker of the House.
Ah, but Hell hath no fury like a wingnut scorned, and so Marjorie Taylor Greene of all people has been making the media rounds, telling anyone who’ll listen that yes, Republicans are, in fact, responsible for skyrocketing health insurance premiums. Good thing you gave her those committee assignments back, huh?
If the White House “Antifa Roundtable” was designed to raise awareness of the raging mental health issues plaguing the American Right, it was a rousing success; if it had any other purpose whatsoever…yikes.
Can’t say I’m a fan of the President of the United States bragging about how he “took the freedom of speech away” from flag-burners, however erroneously.
We haven’t seen such a gathering in a government building since the Capitol Riot. Posobiec. Ngo. Sortor. Choe. Higby. Kristi Noem claimed to’ve arrested the girlfriend of one of Antifa’s founders, so somebody should probably check Mamie Eisenhower’s grave.
Only marginally less terrifying/embarrassing (embarrifying?) was the next day’s Cabinet meeting, which featured all the usual bootlicking plus RFK Jr.’s inadvertent admission that he must’ve been dealing heroin during some of the more fundamental reproductive health classes of his youth.
Pam Bondi needed a cheat sheet to preen her way through a Senate hearing, hoping to come off like a big, tuff autocrat who would never face accountability or comeuppance, but ultimately going viral only for her refusal to answer questions about the existence of photos from Jeff Epstein’s private stash of her dirtbag boss with “half-naked young women," because like all these fascist clods, she’s nowhere near smart enough to pull this shit off.
Secretary Funsoxx has opened nearly 300 investigations into warfighters n’ nonuniformed personnel (or “warhelpers”) for the high crime of Insufficient Deification of Reichstag Charlie, surely the efficientest use of taxpayer dollars since that one rapist demanded a military parade for his birthday.
TPUSA announced it will counter-program the Super Bowl halftime show, providing a safe space for the sort of “heritage Americans” who call the cops whenever they see a brown person driving through their neighborhood.
Qatar gets to build an Air Force base on American soil, apparently, and everyone who didn’t think to give the most bribable man in human history a used jet is kicking themselves.
Herschel Walker is an ambassador now. Yeah, to the Bahamas. Hope they don’t have too many, y’know…trees there.
Let’s check in on the laboratories of kakistocracy (or “red states,” if you prefer) real quick:
The impressionable children of DeSantistan need no longer fear the hypnotic indoctrination powers of gay crosswalks, thanks to Governor Ron-Ron’s anti-woke bulldozers.
61-year-old former police officer Larry Bushart sits in jail for posting a meme on Facebook, not in North Korea or Iran, but in the perhaps-somewhat-less-than-great state of Tennessee.
Oh, and the GOP nominee for Virginia governor is hatefully, possibly murderously insane. Not a red state, admittedly, but the rule of threes must be observed.
I regret to inform you I’ve finally gotten to the bottom of Jesse Watters’ warped sense of masculinity: he’s hot for Stephen Miller. See, he’s afraid to eat soup in public because he’s worried everyone will be able to tell that what he really wants to slurp is spray-on hair off the “sexual matador’s” cue ball noggin. Listening to Jesse go on and on (and ON and ON), it’s pretty clear…it ain’t AOC who wants to tap that evil ass.
Now that I’ve destroyed your ability to keep food down for the foreseeable future, feel free to invest any resultant savings in my tip jar/beer fund (now accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo!), OR BETTER YET…
…BUY MY NEW COMIC BOOK! We’re looking at launching the Kickstarter in a couple of weeks, on October 21st, at which point we’ll have a one-month window to drum up as much support as possible.
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/general-washington-and-the-liberty-tree?tab=prelaunch-updates
General Washington & the Liberty Tree is a Tom Clancy-style political thriller for fans of dark, character-driven superhero stories that speak to real-world issues! Who owns America and her symbols? Who’s allowed to wear them, wave them, kill in their name?
You guys’ll love it; I wrote it with you in mind. So stay safe out there; I NEED YOUR MONEY!
I Can't Believe I Got Out of My Medbed For This Shit (Ferret/ShowerCap)
Friends, I confess it’s increasingly challenging to chronicle current events with anything resembling humor. Ummmm…why don’t we try, like, “How many state-sanctioned Proud Boys does it take to zip-tie a bunch of children in the dead of the night?”
300, GIVE OR TAKE, THOUGH IT’S HARD TO TELL FOR CERTAIN ON ACCOUNT OF THE MASKS HAW HAW HAW
(Links, colors, and jokes await: https://showercapblog.com/i-cant-believe-i-got-out-of-my-medbed-for-this-shit/)
Yeah, a battalion of the increasingly lawless but not-at-all-fascist ICE army rappelled from Black Hawk helicopters to terrorize the residents of a Chicago apartment building, breaking down doors without warrants and detaining U.S. citizens in unmarked vans for hours without cause, and the closest thing I can find to a punchline here is that this is somehow not front-page news from coast to coast.
In fairness, if the media covered every ICE assault on a journalist or a senior citizen or an elected official, every lie about a fatal shooting, and every infant showered with shattered glass, there wouldn’t be space for the crossword.
On the bright side, I’ve finally been cured of that nightmare where I’m standing in front of my entire high school in my underpants; from now on I’ll wake up in a cold sweat from a dream where I’m an overmatched weekend teevee host lecturing a bunch of generals and admirals about physical fitness.
They say Secretary Pete is cracking up under the pressure of the gig, which, as someone who is equally qualified to run the Pentagon, I certainly understand.
Still, he strapped on his funnest socks to tell the nation’s warfightingest warfighters to bring back performatively abusive drill sergeants like in the movies (also, no fatties). You could’ve not only sailed an aircraft carrier through the awkward pauses Pete left for applause that never came, but watched a $70 million jet fall off the deck and sink to the bottom of the ocean.
But just when the brass thought it was safe to report back to their actual posts around the globe, out waddled the surprise headliner, straight from the dementia ward at Walter Reed, for a meandering rant about the challenges inherent in walking down stairs.
Oh! And also to declare war on the “enemy within,” aka the clear majority of Americans who disapprove of the economic catastrophe and the fascism and what have you. The nation’s cities are to be reimagined not as communities, but “as training grounds for our military.”
(Looks like that training is underway in, um, my immediate neighborhood, so if you see a guy in a superhero bathrobe getting dragged away on the evening news…somebody water my plants, okay?)
Anyway, the government is shut down again, and I have nothing to offer but blood, sweat, billionaire tax cuts, and sombrero memes. Certainly no Epstein files, as Speaker Moses keeps weaseling out of seating Adelita Grijalva, this time with a weeklong “district work period.” Yeah, one more vacation oughta do it, Mike.
Don’t worry, though, construction of Princess President’s precious ballroom will proceed uninhibited, because what government function could possibly be more essential than preserving the fantasy of Prince Charming wrapping his royal fingers around those sweaty cankles to slide that glass slipp—forgive me, I am unable to complete this joke without projectile vomiting. Moving on.
Nor will the shutdown impede Javier Milei’s $20 billion bailout, because sometimes “America first” means subsidizing the nation that’s sliding into our spot in the Chinese soybean market. Yes, the spot we vacated via the Dotard’s petulant trade war, which put America even firster. Obviously the proposed bailout of soybean farmers would be the America firstest bailout of all!
According to Mike Lee, OMB director Russ Vought has been fapping to this very scenario since he was just a pubescent reaper, hiding racy Grover Norquist centerfolds under his mattress. Now here he is, imposing sanctions on his own countrymen. Never give up on your dreams!
Speaking of Horatio Alger/Twilight Zone mashups, Stephen Miller’s rise from janitor-tormenting teen to directing extrajudicial strikes on Venezuelan boats is pure reverse Capra. You can almost see it: a guardian angel shows a weeping audience the happier, healthier alternate reality where that vicious little dork was never born, only to get deported to CECOT for his trouble.
Anyway, the shutdown happened because dastardly Dems want to give your hard-earned medbeds to illegal immigrants, or that’s what JD Vance said anyway, because Grampa Goebbels has been too tuckered out from his rant about stairs to appear in public since. Why, he barely has the strength to compliment his own abominable decorating taste or to re-truth QAnon AI slop, for example a video suggesting that “medbeds” are real.
(I guarantee his search history contains “can medbeds cure cankles,” or at least 6-7 misspellings frantically mashed out by those stunted, ineffective phalanges.)
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem was denied bathroom access by one of the states she’s invading, which seems fair. Surely the old campaign donors you’ve been steering FEMA funding to will accept your fashy waste; I mainly worry about corroding the plumbing.
Over at the FBI, Kash Patel fired a group of agents for kneeling at a George Floyd protest five years ago and then another trainee for displaying a gay pride flag, on top of the agent who got fired for refusing to perp-walk James Comey. The penalty for falsely declaring victory during an active assassination investigation remains, of course, non-existent. In fact, you get to pass out dorky little challenge coins in the shape of the Punisher logo, which I bet impresses the shit out of 11-year-olds.
Also fired was Todd Arrington, director of the Dwight D. Eisenhower Presidential Library, for refusing to let Donnie Two-Dolls give away a sword that doesn’t belong to him. Oh, plus yet another prosecutor. Not the guy from the Signal chat leak or the insurance lawyer who lied to a judge’s face about the Comey indictment or the FEMA director who can’t be reached during disasters, of course. Don’t be silly.
Lil’ Howie Lutnick may be in trouble, though, for contradicting the official party line that Jeff Epstein gets a bad rap as a blackmailer. Tell us more about these recordings, Howard…
EJ Antoni will not, alas, be doctoring the nation’s unemployment numbers going forward, having been deemed officially Too Abhorrent by the craven sycophants who confirmed the likes of Hegseth, Patel, and Bondi, which is like a turd getting kicked out of a porta-potty for smelling bad.
Unforgivably violent leftist rhetoric once again led to the targeted slaughter of Christians, and that’s why the First Amendment no longer appl—hang on, what’s that? The killer had what sign outside his house, now? Ah. My bad, this was actually another one of the thousands of mass shootings that shameless Democrats are wrong to politicize. Honest mistake.
Leaders of Albania and Azerbaijan officially tied for the Nobel Ingratitude Prize, cruelly mocking the great peacemaker who ended their millennia-old conflict, which so famously began over the last Pop-Tart when the two nations were roommates in college. Turns out, all it took was a fresh box of Pop-Tarts. THE ART OF THE DEAL, YO!
Me, I want to take negotiating classes from whoever bought Qatar Article 5-level protection from the world’s only superpower for the low, low price of one used airplane.
I’ve been trying to piece together Jesse Watters’ unified theory of masculinity, and as near as I can figure it, eating soup and drinking through a straw are banned (obviously), but speculating about a teenage boy’s sex life on live television is somehow super manly. Sure, okay. Mind your drink around Jesse, is all I’m sayin’.
The National Football League crucified Charlie Kirk all over again, announcing Bad Bunny as the headliner for the Super Bowl halftime show, prompting a wave of threats from Reich officials to turn the big game into one gigantic ICE raid. (But don’t call ‘em fascists.) A proposed MAGA counter-concert by Creed sounds like something I’d make up for a laugh, but no, it’s real.
The QAnon Shaman proclaimed himself the rightful President of the United States, and I’m not a constitutional scholar or anything, but it can’t hurt to look into it, right? Surprised there aren’t more Capitol rioters in the line of succession already, frankly.
According to prominent bomb threat inciter Chaya Raichik, an “employee at a Build-A-Bear Workshop in Tukwila, WA, REFUSED a request to write Charlie Kirk's name on the bear's birth certificate for a customer,” so, y’know…hold your loved ones extra tight tonight.
Well, if all this fuckery has left you hankerin’ for some good news, I’ve got it, because my NEW COMIC BOOK is finally ready and will be launching on Kickstarter in a matter of weeks!
How do you fight for truth, justice, and the American way in an America that’s ripping itself to shreds over those very concepts? Find out in…GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #1! Coming sooooooooon, only on Kickstarter! Get signed up on that prelaunch page, friends!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/general-washington-and-the-liberty-tree?tab=prelaunch-updates
And in the meantime, feel free to toss a couple bucks in the ol’ tip jar (now accepting Venmo, Cash App, and PayPal!) so I can stay lubricated ahead of the campaign. And if you sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com and/or follow @john_luzar, I’ll pester you about the Kickstarter EVEN MORE. Either way, stay safe out there, friendo…
What if They Threw a Reichstag Fire and Nobody Came? (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Must be exceptionally frustrating for the aspiring autocrat to finally, finally arrive at that Reichstag Fire moment he’s sought for so long only to realize his tiny fingers are too stunted and ineffectual to strike a match.
(Links, so very many links, await those bold enough to click here: https://showercapblog.com/what-if-they-threw-a-reichstag-fire-and-nobody-came/)
I can only imagine the jeering of the other tyrants in the group chat. I mean, when Putin takes aim at a comedian, he doesn’t wind up launching the guy to his best ratings in over a decade.
In hindsight, they probably should’ve figured out the plan to use Charlie Kirk’s assassination to usher in a wave of oppression was doomed when they couldn’t get through the memorial service without Stephen Miller channeling Goebbels.
Or Tucker Carlson’s cackling anti-Semitism.
Or the President of the United States undercutting the grieving widow’s grace and forgiveness with a petulant, snarling embrace of hate for its own sake.
Y’know, I never thought I’d have a least favorite funeral.
I do have to tip my hat to the MAGA princeling who screwed wheels to the giant cross he brought, though; despite the years I’ve spent satirizing this sad, soft, sloppy cult, when it comes to making the American Right look ridiculous, you dorks still run circles around me. Which is another situation where those wheels must come in handy, now that I think about it.
In the end, the golden age of Kirk-based cancel culture lasted a little more than a Scaramucci, owing to the now familiar problem of weirdo overreach, from Megyn Kelly’s ranting drivel about witchcraft to the House GOP’s attempts to immortalize the martyred bigot on U.S. currency.
And when the corporate cowards at ABC/Disney once again capitulated to creeping authoritarian shenanigans, the American public stood up to say, nay sing, in a clear, ringing, unified voice, “NO MORE,” or at least “CANCEL MY HULU SUBSCRIPTION,” for here at last was activism that could be accomplished in less than five minutes, from the comfort of our phones.
So Jimmy Kimmel gets his job back, and we get to finish Only Murders in the Building after all, while the flunkies slink back to the shadows, unconvincingly muttering that they never wanted to gut the dumb ol’ First Amendment anyway.
Wingnut media conglomerates Sinclair and Nexstar, which own ABC stations in several markets, made a big, pouty show of holding out, demanding an apology and a TPUSA donation plus Jimmy would have to do the truffle shuffle, but quickly accepted Kimmel’s counteroffer of jack shit, because none of these asshats are nearly as tough as they want you to think.
The Dotard himself vowed further retribution, which might’ve seemed more impressive coming from a guy who hadn’t just lost yet another round to his lifelong nemesis: the wily staircase.
Look, we live in an era of dueling realities where little is certain, but when you complain your life was threatened by a stopped escalator, one thing you are definitionally not is a strongman.
That said, if the teleprompter was in on it too, you’re clearly dealing with a globalist plot. Jesse Watters is right, we should blow up the United Nations. Also, violent political rhetoric is only a problem on the Left.
What can you say about that U.N. address except that it was the worst presidential speech in a week when he proselytized hatred during a eulogy? And if you thought this one was embarrassing, well, he gets to do this every year, y’know. At the rate the dementia is progressing, I’d grant decent odds he’ll be lobbing either slurs or his own feces from that podium before his term’s up.
Apparently Secretary Funsoxx recalled every single high-ranking general and admiral in the military from their posts around the globe so he can lecture them on “warrior ethos.”
I hope that scene makes it into the eventual biopic. You can see it, right? All our gruffest character actors, your James Cromwells and Delroy Lindos, David Morses and Edward James Olmoses, glaring at, say, Seann William Scott under five pounds of hair product, clenching their teeth a little harder every time he says “warfighter”?
Well, first they dismantled the longest continuous political protest in the nation’s history, the White House Peace Vigil, and now they’ve taken down a statue honoring friendship? Reached for comment, Karoline Leavitt pledged to “get your little dog, too.”
Granted, it’s unlikely the Pedophile in Chief appreciated the reminder of his longtime BFFhood with America’s most notorious sex trafficker, particularly now that Adelita Grijalva is on her way to Washington (having coasted to victory in that special election in the Arizona 7th) to provide the 218th signature on Thomas Massie’s discharge petition to force the release of the remaining Epstein files.
So naturally Speaker Moses wants to keep the House in recess as long as possible, which I get, since goodness knows how much detail those files contain about these meetings we’re just learning about between Jeffy-Jeff and the likes of Steve Bannon, Peter Thiel, and Elon Musk.
No reputable doctor or scientist anywhere believes Tylenol causes autism, but here in ‘Murica, we leave decisions on such matters to whale skull-harvesting heroin addicts with cranial parasites.
That press conference triggered so many fun memories, didn’t it? Without even really thinking about it, I poured myself a tall, frosty glass of disinfectant to kick back and watch Donnie Two-Dolls struggle to regurgitate Bobby Brainworm’s quackery in perhaps the most terrifyingly high-stakes game of telephone in modern history.
Meanwhile, down in DeSantistan, they’re about to spend millions of taxpayer dollars researching whether horse paste cures cancer, because have you ever seen a horse with cancer? Tumors could be made of worms for all Joe Ladapo knows.
Alex Jones thought he’d finally found his very own Deep State agent to attack his enemies (the odious Ed Martin, who else?), but their plan to persecute the Sandy Hook first responder who successfully sued him collapsed when Jones proved incapable of stopping himself from bragging on social media. Heh.
We’ve got so many imbeciles running face-first into so many walls, we can’t hope to keep up with them all. The head of the EPA called climate change a hoax, and I have to link to a tweet because not one media outlet anywhere thought that was newsworthy.
Acting FEMA director David Richardson, the one who’d never heard of hurricane season, is apparently impossible to reach during emergencies because his weekly euchre night is sacrosanct, probably.
Kakistocracy is fucking amazing, isn’t it? I think Kristi Noem’s 28-year-old Deputy Director of ICE put it best when she said, “At the end of the day, what really makes anybody qualified for any job?”
In this administration? Hard to say, but I bet we can glean some clues from today’s headlines. Like the one that goes Trump Fired a U.S. Attorney Who Insisted on Following a Court Order, for example.
Yeah, we’ve been doing the whole “American dream” thing all wrong, you guys. Screw hard work and determination; this country belongs to the fuckups now.
Farmers reinstall the very same dipshit who nearly destroyed their industry with tariffs last time ‘round? Bam, bailout. Javier Milei crashes Argentina’s economy with policies that’ve failed wherever they’ve been tried? $20 billion bailout. Maybe we could get the cancer research to kick back in if the doctors all got together to bankrupt a casino?
Of course, for all the rank-and-file losers who can’t hope to fuck up at Milei’s scale, you can always vent your impotent fury by joining ICE. Beat up women and old men. If you want to feel like a really big man, maybe you can torment some roofers by kicking their ladders away and forcing them to jump down. You big, big man, you.
Anyway…then they came for James Comey, and admittedly I took the briefest of moments to think “Well, if anybody’s earned it…” but then I remembered how the poem ends.
The case is trash, of course, and the only lawyer they could find to prosecute it has never prosecuted one fucking thing in her entire stooge career, but it’s hard to take comfort in the incompetence when the party in power refuses to even lightly criticize a president who proudly tweets his Watergate-times-infinity-level corruption to the entire world.
That said, for all his faults, Off-Brand Orbán finally delivered us from our long national nightmare, and we can sleep soundly knowing the threat of foreign cabinetry is no more. Tariffs are so great, right? I’m particularly looking forward to paying twice as much for medication, especially with my insurance premiums set to skyrocket.
Oh, and I see the Daily Caller published a column explicitly calling for violence, which I think conclusively proves the violent rhetoric is coming exclusively from the Left. Also, the Democrat Party is the party of Satan, so we on the Left definitely need to cut it out with all the violent rhetoric. Right after we bomb the U.N. for making the President walk up some stairs.
For all the incessant fuckery, the big takeaway is still the Kimmel thing. A week ago, they were straight-up fucking strutting, remember that? Well, we beat ‘em. Took a few clicks and a few days. That’s all. Makes you wonder what else we’re capable of, doesn’t it?
For now, I say we celebrate. Toss a few bucks in my beer fund (now accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo!), and I’ll toast our big, fat W over the forces of fascism. As always, follow @john_luzar and join the party on the email list at showercapblog.com.
Especially now, because GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE #1 is mere hours away from completion, and the Kickstarter launch is closer than ever! I’m so excited to share this book with y’all, though I’m way too tired to talk about it right now. Sign up on the prelaunch page, and you’ll be the first to know when the campaign goes live!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/general-washington-and-the-liberty-tree?tab=prelaunch-updates
Stay safe out there, chums…
Mandatory Charlie Kirk Appreciation Post, or Please Don't Gulag Me, ICE (Ferret/ShowerCap)
I hope you can forgive me for interrupting your state-mandated grieving period for Saint Charlie the Not at All Racist Outside of the Odd Replacement Theory, but I find myself compelled to take my First Amendment rights out for a leisurely stroll tonight, for reasons I can’t quite put my finger on, possibly because of the manacles the masked gentlemen applied.
(Get dem links: https://showercapblog.com/mandatory-charlie-kirk-appreciation-post-or-please-dont-gulag-me-ice/)
I think I’ll refer to him as Reichstag Chuck from here on out, because holy crud, they’re really goin’ for it, aren’t they? “In Charlie’s name,” as Stephen Miller so sinisterly snarled. It’s time, at last, for the fun chapters of the authoritarian takeover playbook, the ones long since dog-eared in the MAGA faithful’s personal copies: the part where they get to hurt people.
Welcome to kakistocrat kancel kulture! See, they’re going to punish us for calling them fascists by making us smoke an entire carton of fascism.
And if they need to stage a few false flag coffee cup ops to usher in their long-sought “one really violent day,” well, they can simply seek absolution at one of the Reichstag Chuck Shrines™️ coming soon to every public university campus in Oklahoma, if State Senator Shane Jett gets his way, though it is definitely not a cult.
Of course, this is all our own fault for being so violent. And sure, all available data proves that “right-wing extremist violence is more frequent and deadly than left-wing violence,” but with the government deleting the relevant studies and the screeching heads in the regime media bubble bleating the lie in unison, well…we’ve seen how that works out before, haven’t we?
At first glance, it seems like hypocrisy when Laura Ingraham shifts without blinking from demonizing the violent Left to celebrating state police violence against a Democratic candidate, but it’s not. It’s fascism. It’s asserting the right to redefine reality on a whim and to enforce an entirely different set of laws on your enemies.
That’s why the Murdochs assigned such a prominent role in the propaganda blitz to that Kilmeade twerp, after declining to discipline him even slightly for calling on the state to murder millions of homeless Americans. Again, not hypocrisy. The belief system is, in fact, remarkably consistent: we can do whatever the fuck we want; accept that or else.
I never thought of the FCC Chairmanship as the sort of office one could bring shame upon, but I guess Brendan Carr got sick of losing the Constitution-Shredding Stooge of the Month award (and the corresponding parking space + $25 Cracker Barrel gift card) to Pam Bondi.
So he went on bought-and-paid-for Russian agent Benny Johnson’s podcast to cosplay tuff guy for a few minutes, which was apparently enough to devolve the entire Disney/ABC boardroom into quivering invertebrates.
Now we have to cancel our Disney+ and our Hulu, right when Only Murders in the Building started up again, too. Fuckers. Aw, heck. I probably shouldn’t be so hard on ‘em. What’re our speech rights next to their billions?
I don’t see what the big deal is, frankly. The Founders clearly didn’t intend these rights to extend to speech Senator Cynthia Lummis dislikes, which is why they famously referred to the first ten amendments to the Constitution as the Bill of Suggestions.
Even Ted Cruz understands how fucking dangerous all this is, likely because history has shown that when autocrats begin curtailing liberties, it is those with the shittiest beards who suffer most, but still.
Of course, if Secretary Hegseth were the sort of fellow who heeded warnings or behaved prudently, there’d be $150 million worth of military aircraft less sitting at the bottom of the Red Sea right now, so I can’t imagine anyone was too terribly surprised by his declaration of warfighting on the Pentagon press corps. It is to be docile propaganda parroting or nuthin’, just like in all the healthiest democracies.
You have to look at things from the Reich’s point of view. Honestly, if you were fucking up the economy this badly and in this many different ways, you wouldn’t want people talking about it, either.
Obviously, the Bureau of Labor Statistics has no constitutional right to release an embarrassing inflation report, but that’s easy enough to deal with: just stuff it in the same closet as that political violence study and all the other science.
Now if we could just get these pesky soybean farmers to stop talking about how the Dotard’s tariffs are decimating their livelihoods, and if the plebs would kindly stop googling “help with mortgage” at rates unseen since the Great Recession, OH, and if those Hyundai workers would kindly shut up about their mistreatment at ICE’s hands, that’d sure be swell.
You whiny serfs don’t appreciate all the sectors of the economy that’re thriving. Why, “border czar" Tom Homan made $50,000 in a single bribe, free of not just taxation but any consequences whatsoever, thanks to a Justice Department that’s far too busy prosecuting fake crimes to make time for real ones.
Of course, that’s chicken feed next to the billions the Trumps and Witkoffs made off their little crypto/computer chip scam with the United Arab Emirates. And now this H1-B visa swindle opens up a whole new frontier of graft. It’s almost inspiring, in a way. You can fail your way through life, at everything from casinos to airlines to pandemic management, and still find your true calling juuuuuust before the cankles set in.
Another fun law that’s not being enforced is the one banning TikTok. Instead, it’s to be sold to Off-Brand Orbán’s oligarch allies. Warner Bros. Discovery may be next, and O, what an information landscape we’ll have then, friends!
Anyway, if anybody out there is job hunting (and there’s more and more of that kind of thing going around lately), why not throw your hat in the ring for the suddenly available U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of Virginia gig? Absolutely no skills or experience are required for the candidate willing to fabricate charges targeting this one rapist’s enemies.
I don’t often indulge in Nuremberg trial fantasies, but I would give my shiniest quarter for a chance to witness JD Vance sweating through an orange jumpsuit at The Hague, watching footage of his giddy tight five on murdering Venezuelan fisherman for fashy funsies.
Yeah, Lil’ Donnie sure does like blowing up boats, doesn’t he? He’s developing a rather ravenous bloodthirst in his dotage, in fact. Threatened wars with two different countries just today, in fact. They’re gonna super-size that Nobel Peace Prize for him, I bet.
He did set the land speed losing-in-court record this week, though, as his $15 billion lawsuit against the New York Times got thrown out quicker than the most powerful person on Earth can identify a drawing of a piggie.
FBI Director Kash Patel set out to troll his way through a Congressional hearing, doling out sick burns tailor-made for prime-time Fox Nooz clips, but even that low hurdle proved unclearable. Ah well, how hard can running the nation’s largest law enforcement agency really be?
Oh, by the way, Kash says Epstein didn’t actually traffic anybody, least of all to his billionaire best bud who alluded to a “wonderful secret” in a creeptastic birthday message. Glad we got that cleared up.
Massive breaking scandal in Texas: it appears as though someone had sex with Ken Paxton. We must put an end to all such travesties, comrades, at any cost. In Charlie’s name.
Freshly deputized thought policemen at the Department of the Interior uncovered a dastardly Deep State plot to make Americans think slavery was bad; but fear not, the offending, if iconic, image, “Scourged Back,” is to be removed and replaced with Laura Loomer-penned fanfic depicting the extended adventures of Samuel L. Jackson’s character in Django Unchained.
Bobby Brainworm convened his Quack Council to begin in earnest their war on our children’s health, rescinding a longstanding recommendation for the combined shot for measles, mumps, rubella, and varicella for children under age 4. Think of it as an innovative, hands-on lesson in the history of eradicated diseases, kids!
And okay, fine, we’re losing our rights to a tyrannical pedophile who’s crashing our economy in a fit of petulant imbecility, but surely these are reasonable tradeoffs for the security granted by the strongman’s iron-fisted rule. Why, we’ve never been more feared or more respec-
What’s that? Russia continues to violate NATO allies’ airspace with impunity? This aggression cannot stand, man! Clearly we have no choice but to (checks notes) cut security assistance to the Baltics! Take that, Putin!
Anyway, as one of the 300 million Americans who died of a drug overdose last year, I shouldn’t need money, but I do. How else am I supposed to procure my drug of choice, which I think you all know by now is BEER? So feel free to toss a buck or two into my tip jar (now accepting PayPal, Cash App, and Venmo!) before they drag me away for wrongthink!
Oh, and please sign up on the prelaunch page for my next comic book Kickstarter!
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/general-washington-and-the-liberty-tree?tab=prelaunch-updates
GENERAL WASHINGTON AND THE LIBERTY TREE is a superhero thriller for this moment, right now. How do you fight for truth, justice, and the American way when those are the things we’re tearing ourselves apart over?
I’ve been working on it for a LONG-ASS TIME, as you know, and I can’t wait to share it with y’all. So stay safe out there; you don’t want to miss it!
Fart Jokes in the Age of Political Violence (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, of the 417 weeks I’ve been operating this blog site, this was surely the healthiest one yet, political culture-wise.
Sooooooooo…you’re here for jokes, and I’ll do my best, but it’s definitely a bit of a ”But doctor...I am Pagliacci” mood around here. Still, links and such await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/fart-jokes-in-the-age-of-political-violence/
I’ve been writing about Charlie Kirk for years, and I stand by what I’ve written. I think he did a tremendous amount of harm to this country, but I wonder if this Tyler Robinson kid won’t ultimately give him a serious run for his money in that department.
Yeah, man. Political violence in an age of ascendant authoritarianism? Not a fan. I’ve shit my pants in terror so many times this week, I ironically feel closer to President Trump than I ever have. I’d actually appreciate his insight regarding the most comfortable and absorbent adult diaper brands.
See? Unity. I believe it was old Ben Franklin who said, “The incontinence that visits us all in both the dawn and twilight hours of our lives is stronger than any bloodthirst.” Don’t hold me to that. Might’ve been John Jay.
On the other hand, many on the MAGA Right saw the week’s events as the long-sought excuse to begin the violent purge of the Left they’ve been asking Santa for since they were mere incelets. I say teach the controversy.
Jokes…joooooooookes…it’s challenging, is all I’m sayin’.
Okay, the President of the United States, the suddenly second-richest person alive, and a grown-ass man who calls himself “Catturd” walk into a bar aaaaaaaaaand use their massive platforms to incite violence targeting their political opponents. See? It falls apart there at the end.
What abooooouuuuuut…how many opportunistic fascist pundits does it take to screw in a light bulb and/or provoke lone wolf stochastic terrorism in the name of “vengeance”? Good for a nervous chuckle while you browse the internet for deals on deadbolt locks and perimeter cameras?
At least we had Kash Patel to teach us to laugh again. If that little shit’s dad hadn’t turned him in, I have no doubt Kash would still be trapped in his sad, sloppy WE GOT HIM/JUST KIDDING cycle when the fucking sun goes out.
“This is what happens when you let good cops be cops,” Patel preened, after accomplishing precisely fuckall during the investigation of the assassination that occurred on his watch in a state where he’d just fired the field director.
Anyway, nobody tell Kash that Valhalla is not, as he apparently believes, the Viking afterlife for incompetent flunkies. It’s better if it’s a surprise.
Clay Higgins offered some creative suggestions for a few asterisks to tack onto the First Amendment. I dunno, Congressman, getting kicked off social media for life sounds like a goddamn blessing right now, but I’m worried about a slippery slope scenario where I wind up banned from the Ghost Bus for wrongthink.
Well, as much fun as I’ve had dwelling on my country’s potential descent into sectarian violence, surely there’s something less depressing in today’s newspaper. Let’s seeeeeeeee….
“Evergreen High School shooter embraced Columbine, antisemitism and white supremacy online”
Right. The school shooting that happened essentially simultaneously with the political assassination. Almost forgot.
…shoulda started a cat blog, is what I shoulda done. I’d be gatekeeping that shit by now. “Sorry, Purrgess Meredith, I’ve seen way cuter collisions with pet doors that turned out to be locked.”
Y’know, a kitten wouldn’t let Vladimir Putin violate a NATO ally’s airspace. A kitten would bat those drones right out of the sky and then take a dump on the Kremlin floor. That’s right, America’s so-called “strongman” is in truth weaker than a kitten. It’s proven. By logic.
Russian drones over Poland, and the President and his Secretary of WAR NOT DEFENSE ARE YA TRIGGERED LIB can’t even be bothered to leave a restaurant where they’re being actively heckled. “Sure, it’s an unprecedented attack on the post-WWII international order, but something about the way they’re calling me Hitler reminds me of JD.”
The restaurant outing was meant to show off how crime-free n’ squeaky clean D.C. is now after Operation: Mulching at Gunpoint. Why, there’s no crime at all in the whole dang city unless you count domestic violence, which you shouldn’t, according to the grab-‘em-by-the-pussy guy, who the American electorate, in their wisdom, reinstalled.
Anyway, this is great news for the domestic abusers of Memphis, TN, who will be exempt from the impending military crackdown. Seems like he’s backing down, for the moment anyway, from his threats to invade my beloved Chicago, fashy Apocalypse Now memes notwithstanding. Perhaps he simply enjoyed seeing his head atop Robert Duvall’s svelte, cankle-free physique.
Well, the Epstein Files remain safe n’ sound in Pam Bondi’s desk or Fort Knox or wherever, thanks to the pedo-whipped Party o’ Lincoln. Just to correct some disinformation, though: sure, that LOOKS like Donald Trump’s signature in the pubic region of that unspeakably creepy page from that one child sex trafficker’s “birthday book,” but I assure you it was written with Joe Biden’s autopen.
I imagine Mike Johnson spends a great deal of his time struggling to draw comfort from the Bible’s technical lack of specificity on the morality of shielding a child molester. I-IT NEVER ACTUALLY SAYS THOU SHALT NOT MAKE UP A BULLSHIT STORY WHERE A PEDOPHILE IS SECRETLY AN FBI INFORMANT!
That shit won’t fly, Mike. Not in Valhalla.
Starting to think Scott Bessent only accepted the Treasury Secretary gig to sneak his way onto the upcoming White House UFC card. Only question at this point is will his opponent be Elon Musk or Bill Pulte?
Assuming Pulte survives his encounter with Scotty the Body, he can apologize to Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook, now that his mortgage fraud accusations have been decisively debunked by documentation. Yep, I bet that’s what happens. He’ll climb aboard the traditional MAGA flying apology pig and repent his slanders. Any day now. Two weeks.
Tom Hanks’ decades-long advocacy for the suckers and losers will no longer be honored by West Point’s alumni association. TAKE THAT, WOKENESS! You shove your Saving Private Ryan AND your Band of Brothers AND your (criminally underrated) Greyhound AND ESPECIALLY all the money he’s raised for veterans’ charities up your wokester ass! In THIS household we worship draft-dodging valor thieves who deploy troops on American streets without arranging housing first!
Howard Lutnick says pay no attention to the rural hospital closings and the skyrocketing grocery prices and the surging unemployment (all of which were predicted by every economist whose name isn’t an anagram of an administration official’s); Trumpanomics doesn’t start for real until the end of this year, when the nation’s children launch an unprecedented wave of entrepreneurship to buy the Xmas presents their parents could no longer afford.
Seems the Robert Court is so impressed with all the fun ways the Turd Reich has been abusing their terrifying new powers, they’ve decided to allow ‘em to racially profile people, too. As a treat. So if you find yourself arrested, detained in an Alligator Alcatraz-like concentration camp, or even deported to a Salvadoran torture gulag, I hope you understand that Amy Coney Barrett is not imposing her values on you.
While Linda McMahon clearly hasn’t had this much fun since her rapist husband’s steroid trial, perhaps we should postpone the dismantling of the Department of Education until her compatriots at the Department of Energy can spend some time with the chapter of the grade school science textbook that explains what batteries are.
Watching Brazil hold its vanquished wannabe autocrat legally accountable for his crimes against democracy, what can you say but IS THERE ROOM ON YOUR COUCH? I WILL PAY 85% OF THE RENT. I WILL CLEAN THE BATHROOMS. I WILL BRAID YOUR BACK HAIR IF YOU’RE INTO THAT. Basically anything anyone ever did for a Klondike Bar I will do a hundred thousandfold for a chance to live in a stable democracy.
Okay, I have no doubt I missed a ton of stuff this week (we didn’t move any aircraft carrier groups off the coast of Greenland or anything, did we?) and I apologize, but I am fuckin’ BEAT, friends.
But the good news is, the new comic book is closer than ever! Why, looka here, if it isn’t a KICKSTARTER PRELAUNCH PAGE:
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/worthcost/general-washington-and-the-liberty-tree
Sign up to be notified on launch! You’re gonna love it; it’s right up your alley, assuming you’ve been reading these little rants of mine with any regularity.
In the meantime, OH MY GOD I NEED A DRINK, so if anybody feels like dropping a few bucks in my beer jar, I won’t tackle you or anything. It’s a jar for tips to buy beer with (now accepting PayPal, Cash App, and Venmo!), not a jar to drink beer from. Just for the record.
OH, ALSO: next week, I will be attending a music festival on Friday to partake of the thrilling new form the kids’re calling “rock and roll.” So the blog will come…I dunno, a day early or a day late; I haven’t decided yet. Just a heads-up. Stay safe out there, chum!
So I Guess Brain Worms Vacation in the Respiratory System? (Shower Cap/Ferret)
PRO TIP for any future civilizations: when a pedophile happens along, what you want to do is promptly administer a cognitive test. If the pedophile describes the test as “difficult,” do not, repeat DO NOT place him in charge of your economy.
(As ever, links await those brave enuff to click here: https://showercapblog.com/so-i-guess-brain-worms-vacation-in-the-respiratory-system/)
Cuz it turns out, if you elevate a sufficiently idiotic pedophile to a position of sufficiently unchallenged power (to prevent the pedophile from amassing a docile cult of personality, simply avoid electing representatives as weak as Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio), you can go from “the envy of the world” to “manufacturing contracts for sixth straight month” quicker than you can identify a drawing of a whale.
NO WAIT, CHICKEN! THAT’S A CHICKEN!
Honest mistake! Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to raise some more tariffs, because our allies aren’t gonna drive themselves into our rivals’ waiting arms, y’know.
We had no choice but to antagonize the world’s fourth-largest economy, you see, because the prime minister refused to fuel the cognitive test-acing pedophile’s narcissistic delusions. He’s gonna get that Nobel Peace Prize if he has to nuke every capital on the planet.
Attendance at the ensuing party he’ll throw for himself shall be mandatory, but don’t worry, none of us will have jobs to go to by then.
Yeah, I guess Donnie Two-Dolls didn’t fire the BLS Commissioner hard enough, because the monthly jobs report came in, well, about where you’d expect it to if you put an abnormally unintelligent pedophile in charge of your economy (SEE PARAGRAPH ONE), with new layoff announcements rolling in seemingly hourly, from Halliburton, ConocoPhillips, Intel, Estée Lauder, John Deere…even your humble masked blogger was forced to part ways with his faithful beer steward, Alfred.
…and you sheeple probably think that’s a bad thing, but you just can’t see the big picture. Understand, once Bobby Brainworm’s done with the nation’s healthcare apparatus, we won’t need nearly so many jobs, trust me.
That was some hearing, huh? So this is how liberty dies…with the sibilant wheezing of history’s creepiest nepo baby.
Meanwhile, Jittery Joe Ladapo took aim at DeSantistan’s first-world child mortality rate, ending vaccine mandates for schools, because not infecting kids with previously eradicated diseases is basically slavery and herd immunity is woke or some shit.
Yeah, shouldn’t take more than a generation for the layoffs and the preventable deaths to balance out. Think of it as Trump-sizing the workforce.
Anyway, sure, you lost your job to a petulant manchild’s one-dotard trade war on the entire human race, but at least you’re paying more for everything.
Wait. Lemme take another pass at that.
Sure, you’re unemployed and everything is more expensive, but at least the President’s family raked in $5 billion via a single corrupt crypto scheme.
Hmmm. Why aren’t you expressing profound gratitude? And where did all those pitchforks come from? I’d’ve thought they’d be prohibitively expensive by now.
Look, we’ve all gotta tighten our belts. Why, the Reich couldn’t even afford binders for the latest repacking of the same ol’ subset of the Epstein files that’ve been publicly available for years.
Thomas Massie filed a discharge petition to force the release of the long-hidden stuff, but Speaker Moses, in possibly his Christianest move to date, took a bold stand for pedophile privacy rights, at least until Pam Bondi can complete the Herculean task of redacting all the prominent Republicans’ names.
Kristi Noem was widely mocked for her claim that Los Angeles “would have burned down” without Off-Brand Orbán’s extraconstitutional intervention, but assuming the across-the-board tariffs apply to kaiju, I don’t think it’s outside the realm of possibility that the notoriously thrifty Godzilla postponed a planned rampage.
Seldom have I been more disappointed to learn a news headline contained no metaphors than those stories about a trash bag falling from a top-floor White House window. That was restaurant-quality clickbait; coulda meant any number of ‘em, though of course your mind leaps straight to Bannon. I was so excited to find out.
…but then it turned out to be AI. Or maybe it was real. The White House lied to us one way or the other, but I’m sure they’re basically honest people, though I’d like to take this opportunity to draw everyone’s attention to my tattoo-free knuckles, just in case.
Good news, patriots! Our warfightin’ warfighters will no longer have to warfight under that girly-ass “Department of Defense” branding; welcome to the age of the Department of Kicking Ass in Super-Fun Socks and if the Odd $70 Million Jet Falls Into the Ocean, Well, Such is Life!
They already warfought the shit outta that one boat, that’s for sure. I suppose if you want to get all nitpicky, the government teeeeechnically lacks the “legal authority” to just assassinate people in international waters, but don’t worry, the eleven human beings who’re no longer alive were “narco-terrorists.” Promise. C’mon, would our government fraudulently accuse someone of gang membership to justify violating their human rights after the fact?
Shoot, I’m reasonably certain this botched North Korea mission we’re just learning about from Fat Q*bert's first term, which left several unarmed civilians dead, would’ve gone off without a hitch if the Navy SEALs involved only understood they were doing war instead of defense.
Speaking of rebrands, the Big Bloated aBomination is now officially the “Working Families Tax Plan (with Splenda!)”, so everybody loves it now, especially your grandma back home, who managed to text an enthusiastic thumbs-up emoji before they disconnected her life support machine ahead of closing the only hospital within an hour of her home.
It’s never ideal to catch a sitting U.S. Senator dabbling in blood and soil rhetoric, but on the bright side, since Eric Schmitt self-identifies as a “national conservative” rather than a “national socialist,” future generations will be spared the tedious internet arguments that MAGA was really left-wing.
Mean ol’ D.C. grand juries keep spoiling Judge Jeanine’s attempted tyrannies, refusing to indict the targets of her frivolous prosecutions. Sources say an enraged Pirro vowed to pursue charges against the offending jurors, only abandoning the plot upon passing out after an hours-long struggle with the childproof lock the office manager installed on the supply cabinet where the boxed wine is kept.
Now that the references to Jackie Robinson and the Navajo Code Talkers have been purged and the loser traitor paintings have been restored, Secretary Hegseth finally got around to undemoting Ronny “Candyman” Jackson, excellent news for all those warfighters who’re also drugtakers.
Noozmax sued Fox Nooz over allegedly anticompetitive practices in the lucrative dipshit brainwashing field, and while I’ve generally opposed recent assaults on legal norms, I figure it’s in everyone’s interest here to proceed straight to trial by combat.
FUN FACT: today, September 5th, marks the eight-year anniversary of this lil’ blog site of mine. And after eight years of this shit, I truly didn’t think this asshat cabal could surprise me anymore. Appall? Sure? But surprise?
That’s what I thought right up until I saw the story about a Republican administration toying with the idea of rolling back that holiest of wingnut holies: the right to bear arms. Admittedly “just” for trans people, as part of the demonization dogpile following the Minneapolis school shooting, but we’re alllllllll the way down the rabbit hole now, aren’t we?
Ah well. Surely they’ll stop disarming out-groups at this one disfavored minority. I bet there’ll be plenty of allies left to speak out when they come for me.
Anyway.
While the God of Cankles’ latest tease ultimately proved disappointing, if the sloppy old fop insists on sticking around, at least we get to watch him lose and lose and lose and lose in court.
Tariffs? Illegal.
Troops in L.A.? Illegal.
Ending legal protections for Haitian and Venezuelan migrants? How ‘bout nah?
Trying to deport Guatemalan children in the dead of night? Not so fast.
Withholding grants from Harvard? Sorry, ya fat fascist dork.
Yessiree, the rule of law is still alive and kickin’, and with minimal leg swelling, I might add.
Okay, I’m gonna go celebrate that eight-year anniversary, and I’m gonna need YOUR help! Contribute to my beer fund via PayPal, Venmo, or Cash App! Follow @john_luzar! Join the email list at showercapblog.com! And please please PLEASE stay safe out there!
You do not want to miss this new comic, trust me! Art by Jason Muhr, colors by Arthur Hesli…Kickstarter coming soon:
Kakistocrat Kabinet Karesses Kankles
Well, I just got off the phone with my cable provider’s customer service department. They agreed that the three-hour cankle-fellating bacchanal was inappropriate for children, but there was nothing they could do because it was a Cabinet meeting.
(Life-changing links await ye here: https://showercapblog.com/kakistocrat-kabinet-karesses-kankles/)
Now that dignity is partisan, I worry regime interrogators will screen for it in the gulags.
“What’s your favorite question on the cognitive test our God Emperor aced?”
“Oh, definitely identifying the drawing of the horsey! I would’ve said…um…duck, probably.” But they’d see the laughter in my eyes and drag me away.
Yeah, shit’s gettin’ downright wacky here in this republic we’re struggling to keep. I’m old enough to remember endless hours of wingnut bleating that Obamacare was tyranny, that wearing masks to slow Covid-19’s spread was tyranny, but somehow deploying troops on American city streets while talking about how rad dictatorship would be doesn’t even register.
You’d think the President claiming “the right to do anything I want to do” would prompt the Tea Party crew to dust off the ol’ tricorn hat, but that doesn’t seem t’be the case. Oh well, I’m sure that flag-burning EO will be the last assault on our fundamental constitutional rights for a while.
…except, well…we don’t really need freedom of assembly anymore, since we’re funneling our entire lives directly into our phones anyway, right? So that other EO, creating specialized National Guard units for “quelling civil disturbances,” shouldn’t bother anyone. And what’s so bad about quartering soldiers, anyway? Think about all the awesome board games gathering dust in the hall closet for want of the appropriate number of players.
Who needs rights when you can enjoy the spectacle of the nation’s great warfighters triumphing over the litter in Lafayette Park, the first military operation of Secretary Hegseth’s tenure that didn’t end with multiple $70 million jets at the bottom of the ocean?
As part of the crackdown, Sean Duffy has seized control of D.C.’s Union Station, figuring a few train accidents might just spice up the monotony of the same, dreary plane crashes.
RFK Jr. finds the nation’s youths mitochondrially wanting. He can size up your mitochondria at a fuckin’ GLANCE, kids; it’s a superpower you only gain by letting a cranial parasite nosh upon your heroin-battered cerebellum.
Bobby Brainworm’s on a tear these days, actually, purging the Centers for Disease Control of all those dastardly deep state types who so sinisterly believe diseases should be controlled, in addition to dramatically limiting Americans’ access to Covid vaccines during the latest variant surge. It’s nice to finally have a Health and Human Services Secretary who remembers the Founding Fathers, in their wisdom, decreed that a virus’ sacred right to sicken and kill our nation’s children SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED.
Of course, it’s not just HHS undergoing a purge of the insufficiently incompetent. Tulsi Gabbard dutifully dismissed and/or revoked security clearances from all 37 current and former intelligence officials on the list Pootie Tang slipped her at that nationally humiliating summit in Alaska, including “one of the CIA’s senior-most Russia experts.” Something something America first.
The Kennedy Center’s new director of dance programming promises to usher in a new era of anti-woke ballet, launching with a revolutionary production of Swan Lake wherein the Black Swan will be replaced with a Merit-Based Swan who is coincidentally Lara Trump, who intends to substitute a series of auto-tuned Tom Petty covers for the traditional Tchaikovsky score.
Oh, and a bunch of FEMA employees who signed an open letter to Congress warning of Kristi Noem’s dangerous undermining of the agency’s mission were swiftly placed on administrative leave, which oughta clear up any preparedness issues.
Convicted fraudster Donald J. Trump attempted to fire Federal Reserve Governor Lisa Cook over unproven fraud allegations, hoping to replace her with a pliable lackey like Kevin Hassett, or maybe even Ron Vara. Within a couple months, there won’t be anyone left in the federal government but Fox News personalities and Proud Boys.
Despite what the lügenpresse would have you believe, the real victims of the tragedy at Annunciation Catholic School in Minneapolis were the Republican politicians who’ve worked so tirelessly to ensure the nation’s mass murderers remain sufficiently well-armed to slaughter children at prayer.
The ritual was obscene enough back when they merely defiled their victims’ grief with their insincere thoughts and empty prayers, but now that they’ve taken to mewling about religious persecution before the bodies even have time to cool…look, I’d hate to impugn the piety of a rapist-worshipping hate cult, but given the millions of human beings you’ve harmed, instead of finger-wagging moralizing, why not go fuck yourselves?
Following a court order, “Alligator Alcatraz” is shutting down, with one last round of fascist violence for old times’ sake. Several other concentration camps are still planned, however, cuz where else are you supposed to send these foreign invaders who’ve infiltrated our wildfire-fighting crews?
A federal appeals court ruled the majority of the Dotard’s tariffs unconstitutional while showing great restraint in declining to comment on how ass-backward fucking dumb they are as well. Hope it sticks. It’d be nice to rejoin the international parcel delivery system.
Candace Owens would very much like a bailout from the consequences of her slanderous attacks on the Macrons. If you think the legal fees sting, Candace, wait till you see the fuckin’ payout.
A whistleblower tells us Big Balls likely left every single American’s Social Security number in the restroom at his favorite Sbarro, but don’t worry, they’ll give you a brand new one at CECOT.
Congratulations go out to Ashli Babbitt, who will become the first domestic terrorist to receive burial honors from the Air Force! Big week for treasonous losers, actually, as a portrait of celebrated surrenderer Robert E. Lee was rehung at West Point. Waiting for the Post Office to roll out that Seditious Conspirators commemorative stamp set featuring all your favorite Oath Keepers.
All this shit is polling so phenomenally well that the administration redoubled their efforts to subvert the coming midterms, enlisting the Republican Party of Missouri in the latest phase of their panicked, last-minute redistricting scheme, in addition to installing improbably named election denier Heather Honey to the suitably Orwellian post of deputy assistant secretary for Election Integrity.
…it sure would be neat if American democracy survived all this, wouldn’t it?
Off-Brand Orbán revoked Kamala Harris’ Secret Service protection ahead of her forthcoming book tour, which made him feel bigger and tuffer than anything since that time during his first term when he changed his own adult diaper without Mark Meadows’ help.
Despite the runaway popularity of her “death’s inevitability renders health care meaningless and unnecessary” campaign slogan (which I’ll grudgingly concede looks great on a red ballcap), Joni Ernst will not seek reelection next year. Were I a hog in Iowa, I’d think about investing in a codpiece.
Ascendant American fascism’s fecklessest enabler, Senator Susan Collins, got heckled at a ribbon-cutting ceremony this week, and I’ve little doubt everyone reading this shares my deep, profound, sincere concern.
Obviously, I can’t wait for all this nonsense to end forever, and once whatever’s going on with the cankles and the hand spot works its magic, I look forward to never thinking about any of these assclowns ever again, BUT…I will read the shit out of any book about these apparent clandestine efforts to foment discord between Greenland and Denmark.
Buncha dopes who can’t even throw a fucking parade attempting expansionist spycraft? That’s a slapstick gold mine. Ten bucks says there’s a chapter where Steve Witkoff tries going undercover as a harp seal only to attract the amorous attentions of an aggressive male.
Jeanine Pirro has already failed three times to secure indictments against those she would oppress, including “Sandwich Guy” Sean Charles Dunn, so maybe hope for the future can be found somewhere near the intersection of ineptitude, boxed wine, and the rule of law.
Cracker Barrel unrebranded itself (in public, no less), renouncing the new logo assailed by the perpetually terrified of change as “woke.” This is as close to an accomplishment as anyone in the MAGA movement is likely to get, outside of finding an even more bilkable rube to sell their Trump NFTs to.
Charlie Kirk thinks Taylor Swift should submit to her husband and get to work churning out Republican babies, ideally with freakishly small faces floating unnervingly in the middle of abnormally large heads. Personally, I think drinking beer should make you lose weight. It’s fun to have opinions!
I intend to put the matter to the test this weekend, so if this little rant earned a chuckle or a snort, feel free to toss a buck or two into my beer fund, now accepting Cash App, PayPal, and Venmo. New followers are always welcome @john_luzar, as are new sign-ups on the email list at showercapblog.com! Stay safe out there, chum, especially since you don’t want to miss the new comic book, which gets closer every single day. Check this out:
A (Cracker) Barrel of Laughs on the Road to Autocracy (Ferret/Shower Cap)
The nation is still reeling from the largest single-day reduction in international stature in American history, at what historians are already calling The Summit That Could’ve Been a Thirsty Instagram Comment.
(Links n’ such: https://showercapblog.com/a-cracker-barrel-of-laughs-on-the-road-to-autocracy/)
Of course all decent Americans get mad and appalled and embarrassed (mempallassed? mapparrassed?) watching their president parroting the demands of a war criminal as incompetent as he is genocidal, but your problem is you see the people of Ukraine as human beings, deserving peace and freedom and autonomy, but to the President, they’re the reason he had to call off the big, fancy lunch he had planned for his Dictator Bro 4 Lyfe.
He worked SO hard on that lunch, you guys. He never gets to hang out with Vlad because of dumb ol’ Ukraine and he even took Susie’s advice about grown-up food instead of hamberders and now he has to wait till the World Cup it’s NOT FAIR!
Did you ever think you’d see your POTUS fuck something up so badly that multiple heads of state would drop whatever they were doing to fly halfway around the damn world for an intervention? (I actually did. I had that one on my bingo card. All I need now is “deployed state power against Rosie O’Donnell“ and I win.)
Yeah, a diplomatic intervention. Not for substance abuse, but for dumbness. For being the easiest mark to e’er waddle out onto the world stage. Putin plays our president so virtuosically that the poor dope can’t stop himself from showing off the pretty strings sewn to his sleeves.
POOTY SAYS I WOULDA WON IN 2020 IF IT WASN’T FOR MAIL-IN VOTING!
Of course he does. Because anyone willing to feed your narcissistic delusions can make you jump through hoops. It’s one of the most widely understood truths on the planet. I’d suggest measuring the guy’s actual respect for you in sweatshirts, or perhaps attacks on American-owned factories.
I will grudgingly give credit where it’s due: he sure got Zelensky to wear a suit. Operation Warp Speed, couple of cognitive tests, got Zelensky to wear a suit. After that, it’s a pretty sharp drop to bankrupting casinos, crashing the economy, and Eric.
Hard to find a more perfect snapshot of MAGA culture than JD Vance puffing up his soft-ass self to drop that weak little one-liner on Zelensky. Were I JD, I’d want to minimize opportunities for people to make that side-by-side comparison. One of you has spent years successfully holding off the aggression of a onetime superpower; the other made up a story about pet-devouring migrants.
“I want to try to get into heaven if possible— I hear I’m really at the bottom of the totem pole.”
You gotta figure that’s one of the last stopped clock moments we’ll get. In fact, this momentary, uncharacteristic acknowledgement of his own fundamental shittiness is the first sign of cognitive fitness we’ve seen in weeks.
But sure, let’s add fear of damnation (born of the cankles, no doubt) to the sauce. Why not?
I have a new theory about the frantic Peace Prize push, actually: he thinks he can present it to whatever cosmic arbiter awaits in the afterlife as some sort of spiritual Get Out Jail Free card. WOULD THEY GIVE A RAPIST A PEACE PRIZE kind of thing.
He keeps inflating the number of wars he so dealmakingly peacified, with the number rising to ten if you count “pre-wars,” or even eleven if you count not releasing the Epstein files as ending a war. Still, what works on Deutsche Bank may prove less successful at the Pearly Gates.
Of course, nowhere on Earth are things any peacier than Washington, D.C., where history’s most over-promoted game show host continues his grubby fumble towards autocracy, dispatching an unconstitutional mishmash of federal agents to deliver the city’s restaurant district from the scourge of customers.
Tate Reeves, still in power despite leading Mississippi to one of the highest Covid death rates in the entire world, sent National Guard troops to D.C. to join in the fashy shenanigans while the much higher crime rate in Jackson goes unaddressed, and if that seems like a sensible distribution of resources to you, you’re a Republican, all right.
Still, probably doesn’t suck to get out of the Deep South for a week or two in August. See some of the museums before the decadent works get purged. Beat up some brown guys on mopeds.
See, they’re attacking the sandwich problem at its root. Once the restaurants are all closed and the delivery drivers have all been deported to Salvadoran torture camps, there will be no sandwiches to lob.
Of course, the real horror for D.C. may not be the authoritarian crackdown but the multi-billion-dollar makeover that’s coming, presumably at gunpoint. Ever since the Roberts Court granted him limitless redecorating powers, he’s been insatiable, so I figure we’re a couple weeks away from masked men in SWAT gear spray-painting all the fire hydrants gold.
Outside of a handful of “elderly white hippies,” D.C. residents have embraced their occupiers, according to Stephen Miller, White House Deputy Chief of Staff and Self-Appointed Spokesman for the City’s Predominantly Black Population. Well, who’re you gonna believe, polls or a man who adjusts his hairline with aerosol products?
Anyway, lucky me, it seems my home city of Chicago has a “national emergency” of its own sneaking up on the Becankled One’s schedule.
Wonder who’s next? Perhaps Colorado can host a small siege around the facility where lunatic election crook Tina Peters is serving her richly deserved nine-year sentence. From Denver to Brazil, nothing bothers Off-Brand Orbán more than an enemy of democracy facing consequences for their crimes.
…except being criticized in any way. Or told no. Investigating any of his assorted rapes, frauds, or human rights abuses is obviously not his favorite. Actually, with a growing legion of Ed Martins, Alina Habbas (Alinas Habba?), and Jeanine Pirros willing to break norms and laws, seems there’s plenty of political persecution to go ‘round.
Like, I’ve always believed John Bolton to be the host being for an extraterrestrial life form that means the human race significant harm (the mustache, obviously), but that doesn’t mean Kash Patel’s cartoonishly corrupt FBI gets to raid his house. First they came for the symbiotic face parasites that resemble mustaches, and I did not speak out, because I was not a symbiotic face parasite that resembled a mustache.
But we all know how that one ends.
Kash also announced the FBI will join ICE in lowering hiring standards to a level that’s friendlier to Proud Boys by mere coincidence, I’m sure. Actually, this move makes sense to me, given the agency’s sharp turn away from its traditional “law enforcement” mission towards one more focused on crushing dissent. Do you really need a college degree to smash windows and fire tear gas?
Speaking of the FBI, turns out the deputy directorship was indeed, as predicted, far too difficult for a yammering mediocrity like Dan Bongino, so they’ve brought in a new guy to handle the “job” part of the job so Dan can focus on waiting by the phone for the illegal orders we all know are coming.
The border wall is to be painted black “to make it hotter and harder to climb,” which is the sort of policy you get only under the very stablest of geniuses. We can’t build solar panels because the sun sets like HALF the time, but the wall will stay hot “and harder to climb” at night because of the…the black paint.
Never been a big horror guy, but probably the most consistently terrifying prose genre I’ve encountered is News Stories About How Much Power Laura Loomer Has. The jump scares are unmatched, cuz they’re usually push notifications about guardrails falling.
Yeah, the entire Executive Branch serves at the pleasure of this one racist halfwit. Temporary visas for wounded Palestinian children constitute an “Islamic invasion” to Loomer; therefore, by the authority vested in her as That Crazy Lady Who Handcuffed Herself to Twitter HQ, they shall be revoked. Take that, wounded kids! Ya got LOOMERED!
As the founders intended.
The supposed wokening of the Cracker Barrel hit the least impressive people alive like a second 9/11, because we are living through the Dumbest of All Possible Times. Yeah, the Guinness people officially called it when they saw Chris Rufo’s dorky little call to “break the Barrel” before dying from exposure to unfiltered cringe in its purest form.
You guys Byron Donalds got to second base for the very first time in a Cracker Barrel parking lot and it was with JESUS. Can you even imagine anybody any Christliker than Byron Donalds? All my favorite Bible stories are about Jesus helping a rapist commit crimes and dressing like the rapist for good measure.
Is all this distracting you from those stubbornly unreleased Epstein Files? No? Howzabout Hegseth and RFK Jr. hold themselves a little Toxic Dipshit Decathlon? Events include pull-ups, whale corpse decapitation, and navigating an obstacle course in a suit that’s much too tight.
They sure do love spending our money on their little videos n’ parades n’ such, don’t they? Between Kristi Noem’s freeloading and Hegseth’s multi-million-dollar security detail, no wonder there’s no money left for cancer research.
Slavery was bad…OR WAS IT? The newly MAGAfied Smithsonian is Just Asking Questions™️!
So Texas passed their little mid-decade gerrymander (because Republican policies are so well-liked, you see), and Missouri and Indiana may be next. And of course Putin has rekindled the old fop’s passion for ending mail-in voting, so we’ve got all kinds of fun assaults on our democracy to look forward to.
…unless Gavin Newsom’s social media team finally makes the battered remnants of their tiny brains explode. They can’t figure out whether to shit or go blind, and the whole trick is just…a mirror. Yeah, this is what you look like. What you’ve always looked like. Dorks.
Don’t know that there’s a gerrymander crooked enough to protect y’all from the backlash to the trade war tax we get to pay in fun new ways all the dang time. That $50 hike to the PlayStation console is sure to be a big hit this Xmas season (for those families willing to risk the penalties of exceeding their two-doll allotment, that is.)
Oklahoma State Superintendent Ryan Walters thwarted the busloads of Antifas looking to lead thrilling lives indoctrinating th’youths of Oklahoma with a political loyalty test for teachers from just California and New York. DagNABbit! I had a whole plan to outsource fractions to a communist drag queen, but you’re just too wily for me, Ryan!
Ghislaine Maxwell definitely never witnessed any illegal behavior from the man with the power to pardon her, so we can close the book on that one, unless the book contains something unimaginably creepy, like say a birthday greeting to a child sex trafficker that culminates in a pubic hair signature.
Oh, and the President seized the means of production today, announcing the government had taken a 10% stake in Intel, so that’s -
“BINGO!”
What? You HAD that? That’s…reasonable, actually. Dammit, I was so close. Ah well, we’ll fill up another card next week.
I can hardly believe it, but the NEW COMIC BOOK keeps getting closer every day! LOOK HOW WONDERFUL JASON MUHR’S ART ON THIS BOOK IS:
Kickstarter coming…soon! In the meantime, if you enjoyed this lil’ diatribe, feel free to toss a buck or two into the ol’ tip jar (accepting, as you surely know by now, PayPal, Venmo, and Cash App!), or follow @john_luzar and sign up on the email list at showercapblog.com. And do stay safe out there, my friend…shit’s gettin’ real…
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Member since: Fri Mar 24, 2017, 07:48 PMNumber of posts: 699