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The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 4)
February
5, 2001
Goodbye Surplus Edition
 Tell
a friend about the Top Ten Conservative Idiots
Lots of new entries this week as conservatives line up to be abused.
Orrin Hatch grabs the number one spot with a truly impressive impression
of Man With No Balls. Katherine Harris (2) returns with an obviously narcotics-fuelled
idea to run for Congess. And Trent Lott (3) finally shows up after four
weeks. Missed ya, Trent! Meanwhile GW (4) slips and slides, Fox News (5)
attacks from the right, and Chris Matthews (6) gets a Republican-induced
boner. Phil Gramm takes one for the team in the number seven slot. Sean
Hannity (8) and Bob Barr (9) make their first appearances - and we doubt
it will be their last - as John Ashcroft (10) heads off the chart. He'll
be back.
| THIS
WEEK |
|
LAST
WEEK |
TOTAL
WEEKS |
| 1 |
Orrin
Hatch - Senator Brown-nose greases his way to the top of the pole
this week with his blatantly partisan defense of John Ashcroft. In
a bowel-churning display of cowardice, tough-guy Hatch waits until
after the vote is over to taunt that "Democrats didn't
have the guts to filibuster". What a hero. |
NEW! |
1 |
| 2 |
Katherine
Harris - The Tallahassee Terror this week threatened to run for
a U.S. House seat. Looks like all those Inaugural Ball martinis have
gone to her head. Katherine, darling - just in case you forgot - EVERYONE
HATES YOUR GUTS. |
RETURN! |
3 |
| 3 |
Trent
Lott - Sneakier than a one-eyed ferret, slippier than an eel in
heat, he's HYPOCRISY MAN! Trent earns the number three spot due to
his shock, absolute shock, at those partisan, partisan
Democrats. Can't they just set aside their objections and get behind
John Ashcroft for the good of the country? Oh the humanity. |
NEW! |
1 |
| 4 |
George
W. Bush - The Shrub turned bright red this week after nasty Democrats
asked some tough questions about his Executive Order banning foreign
family planning funding. Turned out he didn't actually know what it
was that he'd signed. In a nauseating display of spin the White House
rejected any suggestion the president was confused. Oh, and he turned
red because he was holding his breath. |
6 |
3 |
| 5 |
Fox
News - They're not too conservative, everyone else is too liberal!
Fox News brings you the same quality and class you can always expect
from the network that brought you "Who Wants To Marry A Millionaire?"
and "Temptation Island". |
NEW! |
1 |
| 6 |
Chris
Matthews - "Hardball" my ass. The only time Chris Matthews
gets hard is when he's interviewing Ari Fleischer. |
NEW! |
1 |
| 7 |
Phil
Gramm - Having already bent over and introduced Bush's tax cut
bill, Phil takes the number seven slot by positioning himself as GW's
tax bitch. Goodbye surplus! Hello economic downturn! Anchors away! |
5 |
2 |
| 8 |
Sean
Hannity - Fox News commentator Hannity demolishes the hypocrisy
meter by TWICE complimenting Rudolph Giuliani on his "character
and integrity" this week. (Note to self: when Republicans
cheat on their wives it's called character and integrity. Got
that?) |
NEW! |
1 |
| 9 |
Bob
Barr - This week introduced legislation to legalize US-sanctioned
assassinations. Wha? Has he just bought shares in Acme Exploding Cigars
Inc. or something? This is a joke, right? |
NEW! |
1 |
| 10 |
John
Ashcroft - Sinking rapidly as the slap in the face which was "the
Ashcroft nomination" begins to fade. Don't worry, we have a feeling
he'll be back before long... |
3 |
4 |
Other popular nominees this week: The Ashcroft Eight, Bill O'Reilly,
George Will, Ari Fleischer. Dropping off the list: Matt Drudge
(1), Ari Fleischer (2), Ollie North (4), Jeb Bush (7), Tom DeLay (8),
Dick Cheney (9), Rush Limbaugh (10).
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