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The Top Ten Conservative
Idiots (Week 6)
February
19, 2001
Ship of Fools Edition
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a friend about the Top Ten Conservative Idiots
There were almost too many idiots to go around this week, but don't worry,
we managed to squeeze them in! The Lincoln Submarine was big news of course,
as were the hearings into why the media couldn't have started sucking
up to George W. Bush sooner on election night. Speaking of George W. Bush
(4), the military started warming up for Gulf War II last week, and Dick
Cheney (3) wanted to make damn sure he was in charge when it kicks off
properly. Dan Burton (5) is still desperately trying to subpoena everything
in sight, and the Secret Service (9) introduce their new "police
state" policy...
| THIS
WEEK |
|
LAST
WEEK |
TOTAL
WEEKS |
| 1 |
John
M. Hall - "Fat-Cat Bush Contributor Drives Nuclear Submarine
Into Trawler Full Of Japanese Schoolchildren Just Off The Coast Of
Hawaii." And the GOP thought the Lincoln Bedroom was bad! Let's
just imagine for a moment what would have happened if this incident
had occured a year ago. See Republican lawmakers fall over each other
in the race to start an investigation! Hear Dan Burton blame Bill
Clinton for personally murdering Japanese students! Smell Rush Limbaugh
literally wet his pants live on air! Oh, how times have changed... |
NEW! |
1 |
| 2 |
Billy
Tauzin - The Louisiana congressman steals second place by desperately
trying to assert that calling a state for Gore ten minutes early is
more important than investigating Florida's voter fiasco. Why, that
damned liberal media was trying to cheat Gore into the White House!
What Billy seems to have failed to realize is that the media called
Florida for Gore because THE EXIT POLLS WERE RIGHT. |
NEW! |
1 |
| 3 |
Dick
Cheney - Obviously being the real brains behind the Presidency
has given Dick a bit of a head rush. Last week he decided that he
should chair National Security Coucil meetings which decide major
foreign policy and defense issues - normally the job of the National
Security Advisor. Presumably GOP poster-child Condoleezza Rice would
be expected to sit at the back of the meetings. |
5 |
4 |
| 4 |
George
W. Bush - Climbs two places this week for ordering the Department
of Defense to review the practice of inviting civilians on military
exercises. Phew, just in the nick of time! It's okay though - George's
handlers managed to distract the media's attention by sneakily ordering
airstrikes on Iraq while he was away on an official brown-nosing tour
of Mexico. He later claimed to be "fully involved in the decision",
although it was not immediately made clear whether he was talking
about the airstrikes, or what he was having for lunch. |
6 |
5 |
| 5 |
Dan
Burton - Falls three, but still flying high after last week's
announcement that he would subpoena the bank records of all contributors
to the Clinton Presidential Library. It seems that Dauntless Dan will
not rest until he's put the entire left wing of the United States
of America behind bars. Go Dan! |
2 |
2 |
| 6 |
Warren
E. Barry - The Virginia senator last week abruptly withdrew a
bill which would force students to recite the Pledge of Allegiance
every morning or face suspension, complaining that it was being watered
down by a committee of "spineless pinkos". The committee
thought that compulsory state-enforced recitation of government-sponsored
mantras may not necessarily jive with what makes this country "the
land of the free". And they call themselves patriots? Those America-hating
bastards. |
NEW! |
1 |
| 7 |
Morgan
Stanley - Speaking of spineless, Morgan Stanley's superhuman
flip-flop over Bill Clinton's investment conference speech earns
them the number seven spot. Last week, the Wall Street investment
bank bowed to the pressure of a few Clinton-hating stockholders
and ended up grovelling shamelessly, accidentally
forgetting about the ridiculously vast sums of money that they and
their investors had accrued under Bill's booming economy.
|
NEW! |
1 |
| 8 |
Rudy
Giuliani - A fresh face at number eight, Mayor Giuliani revved
up yet another crusade for decency standards by threatening to take
funding away from the Brooklyn Museum of Art. Hey Rudy, here's a decency
standard for ya - stop boning your staff members! |
NEW! |
1 |
| 9 |
The
Secret Service - Last week the S.S. interrogated college senior
Glenn Given after he wrote a "satirical editorial" in his school
newspaper asking Jesus to "smite" George W. Bush. After Dubya's personal
intimidation squad trashed his house, Given said: "They asked where
I grew up, where I went to school, if I'd ever been convicted of a
crime, if I take narcotics, if I'm on prescription medicine, if I'm
part of any anarchist or dissident groups, if I have an unnatural
fixation on public figures, and if I own or carry weapons." Since
satire has obviously become a criminal offense, we at Democratic Underground
are now wondering how long it'll take them to kick OUR door down...
|
NEW! |
1 |
| 10 |
Newsmax.com
- Newsmax last week announced that they were selling T-shirts
which feature "the Map". And what, pray tell, is "the
Map"? In the words of the email we received from Newsmax: "The
map showed county by county how almost all of America - the heartland
- had voted for George Bush in the last election. Small, isolated
urban enclaves - colored in blue - had voted for Al Gore, but the
blue was lost in a sea of red - most of the country, which had voted
for George Bush." We'll leave it up to you to decide for
yourselves whether or not this buttock-clenching theory is the most
moronic excuse yet for legitimizing George W. Bush. |
NEW! |
1 |
Other popular nominees this week: Bill O'Reilly (yet again), Chris
Matthews (again), Bob Barr (again), Tom DeLay, Arlen Specter. Dropping
off the list: Arnold Schwarzenegger (3), Dan Quayle (4), Dick Armey
(7), Oliver North (8), Tom DeLay (9), Rush Limbaugh (10), The State of
Virginia (11).
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