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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (Week 38)
October
1, 2001
Ari Force One Edition
The national crisis seems to be bringing out the best in
some people, and the worst in others. Ari "come fly our
friendly lies" Fleischer (1) is steadfastly failing to
follow his own advice, Bret Schundler (2) has figured out
that using the World Trade Center disaster for his own political
ends is surely a great idea, and Dick Armey (3) is waiting
until people are down, then stepping on their necks and going
through their wallets. Meanwhile Poppy Bush (6) is involved
in a spot of dodgy dealing, Michelle Malkin (7) figured that
the best thing she can do for New Yorkers is bash their junior
Senator, and Rush Limbaugh (10) is frothing at the mouth (no
news there then). A big thanks goes to Elad for contributing
to this week's list, and you can be sure that the icons will
be back next time. Until then...
 Ari
Fleischer
Has anyone noticed that you can't spell LIAR without an A,
an R and an I? You know, most people would have given Bush
the benefit of the doubt when he was shipped off to Nebraska
by the Secret Service - they knew there was danger and were
trying to protect his ass, and rightly so. So why did Ari
have to reflexively make up a fraudulent cover story about
Bush being directly in the line of fire? According to Ari,
Air Force One received a phone call containing "code words"
which indicated that it was a target - except no, actually
there was no such phone call. Ari later
backed down - White House staffers had "apparently misunderstood
comments made by their security detail." Hmm. Maybe they were
too busy still fixing all that damage from the last time the
Clintons flew on Air Force One, eh Ari? But as if that wasn't
enough, Ari later decided to give us a little insight into
the administration's current feelings on freedom of speech:
"There are reminders to all Americans that they need to watch
what they say." I guess those two reporters who were fired
last week for writing articles critical of Bush found that
out the hard way. You can read Ari's remarks for yourself
at the White House website - well, actually you can't, because
they were deleted
from the transcript (the White House claimed a "transcription
error" - how convenient. Funny that they haven't fixed the
"error" yet.) Fortunately the Associated
Press got it right.
 Bret
Schundler
Our congratulations go out to Bret Schundler. Last week Bret
became the first candidate to air a TV ad featuring scenes
of the destroyed World Trade Center for the purposes of trying
to gain political points. Didn't take long, did it? Ironically,
Schundler was taking heat recently for bashing New Jersey's
emergency services' response to the September 11 attacks,
and now he's done a quick one-eighty - oh, but not for his
own political gain, of course. Why, that would be shameful.
But don't just take it from me - here's Thomas P. Canzanella,
president of the Professional Firefighters Association of
New Jersey: "I find it almost disgusting and despicable that
a person who aspires to be the governor of the state of New
Jersey needs to trade not only on a horrendous situation,
but with New York firefighters... You have someone who's attempting
to portray, if you will, his alliance with police and firemen,
when he doesn't have one." (Oh, by the way - Schundler's spin
doctors tried to portray Canazella's remarks as a partisan
attack on a candidate who was merely trying to bring people
together, if you can believe that.)
 Dick
Armey
In the wake of the September 11 attacks, airlines were faced
with the grim prospect of staying in business after losing days
of income and with the inevitable massive drop-off in air travel.
In the sprit of good capitalism, Congress signed a $15 billion
bail-out program for the airlines so they could stay in business.
But despite thie bail-out, tens of thousands of airline employees
were laid off. So, of course, Congress moved to make sure that
the working people who were violently thrown out of their livelihood
because of the terrorist attacks were taken care of, right?
There's no way that we would let the terrorists put tens of
thousands of hard-working American citizens out of a job, right?
If keeping the airlines in business is important, than surely
helping out all those middle- and lower-class workers is TWICE
as important, right? Well, not if you ask Dick Armey. In response
to a Democratic proposal to extend benefits to the laid-off
workers, Armey said,
"the model of thought that says we need to go out and extend
unemployment benefits and health insurance benefits and so forth
is not I think one that is commensurate with the American spirit
here." Yep - it seems that the "American spirit,"
in the eyes of Republicans, is to make sure huge corporations
still have a bottom line. The tens of thousands of American
citizens who now can't feed their families should probably just,
what, pull themselves up by the bootstraps?
 Kay
O'Connor
She's
an "old-fashioned woman" - damn straight! Yes, Kansas state
senator Kay O'Connor recently took the unusual step of declaring
the 19th Amendment to be a load of hogwash when she was asked
to appear at the Johnson County League of Women Voters' ''Celebrate
the Right to Vote'' luncheon. She declined, telling organizer
Delores Furtado that ''You probably wouldn't want me there
because of what I would have to say.'' Well at least she's
as honest as she is bonkers. According to O'Connor, ''Men
should take care of women, and if men were taking care of
women (today) we wouldn't have to vote.'' Apparently
O'Connor doesn't care much what her constituents think of
this view. ''If I don't get re-elected, my only punishment
is to go home to my husband and my roses and my children and
my grandchildren.'' How nice.
 Silvio
Berlusconi
The Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, met with Russian
President Vladimir Putin and German Chancellor Gerhard Schroder
in Berlin last week to discuss anti-terrorism strategies -
and managed to end up doing a passable impression of the biggest
terrorist in history, Adolf Hitler. Comparing Western civilization
to Islamic countries, Berlusconi said, "We should be confident
of the superiority of our civilization," and, "[the West]
is bound to occidentalize and conquer new people. It has done
it with the Communist world and part of the Islamic world,
but unfortunately, a part of the Islamic world is 1,400 years
behind. From this point of view, we must be conscious of the
strength and force of our civilization." But it gets better
(or worse,
as the case may be.) Berlusconi then attempted to capitalize
on the World Trade Center disaster and defend his brutal treatment
of anti-globalization protestors in Genoa earlier this year.
According to him, you see, anti-globalization protestors are
no better than terrorists: "[the terrorists were trying] to
stop the corrupting effect of Western civilization on the
Islamic world," he said, while "the antiglobalization movement
criticizes from within Western civilization the Western way
of life, trying to make Western civilization feel guilty."
Yes, it wouldn't do to have people criticizing the status
quo, now, would it? Funny really, all this time I thought
that one of the beauties of Western civilization was the freedom
to criticize without being locked up and beaten. My mistake...
 George
H. W. Bush
Did you know that the President's dad works for the bin
Laden family business? It's true - The New York Times
reported
back in March that ex-President Bush was touring Saudi Arabia
on behalf of the Carlyle Group, using his political contacts
to further his business interests. Interestingly, according
to Judicial Watch, the bin Laden family has a substantial
investment in the Carlyle Group, and have met with George
Bush Sr. on several occasions. The tough part for Poppy is
that the bin Laden family are currently under investigation
following the September 11 attacks - the FBI recently subpoenaed
their bank records to find out whether they're funding Osama
or not. So considering this obviously massive conflict of
interest, will Poppy resign from his position at Carlyle?
Don't bet on it. Since when does international terrorism get
in the way of making a fat profit?
 Michelle
Malkin
Conservatives
are more than happy for the left-wing to bend over for the
cause of "unity" (why, for us to do anything else would surely
be unpatriotic) but it seems that they don't mind giving us
a swift kick
in the pants while our butts are up in the air. Columnist
Michelle Malkin ripped into Senator Clinton last week, comparing
her to a "5-year-old," and saying, "she suffers from a fatal
inability to put love of country above love of self." Yes,
once again we see that in order to be true patriots and Americans
we must simply agree with whatever the Republicans want, and
stand idly by while they do and say whatever they please.
I'm curious what Ms. Malkin would have said if Senator Clinton
had chosen not to go to the aid of her constituents
in New York. Damned if you do, damned if you don't...
 Michael
Reagan and "the Webers"
Speaking of unity... of all the incomprehensible blather
we've heard from conservatives in the last couple of weeks,
this pretty much takes the cake. Michael Reagan, son of former
President Ronald Reagan (now making pots of cash off his father's
name), posted an open letter to George W. Bush from "the
Webers" on his website
last week which claims that the REAL terrorist we have to
stop is none other than - you guessed it - Bill Clinton. "If
you are a man true to your word, we have one international
terrorist whom we suggest that you arrest immediately,"
quoth the Webers. "Mr. President, your actions against
terrorism are good. But, if you are truly serious, you must
also bring 'Evil Bill' Clinton to justice. It is abundantly
clear that he is a domestic criminal." Sigh. So let's
get this straight... terrorists crash airplanes into the World
Trade Center and the Pentagon, kill thousands of people, and
Michael Reagan is endorsing the Webers' suggestion that Bush
should hunt down and arrest Bill Clinton. Why aren't we surprised?
 The
Family Research Council
And...
we're back. Politics as usual is slowly returning to Washington
- last week it was the turn of the conservative Family Research
Council to lay into George W. Bush. Hang on a minute, I thought
we weren't supposed to be criticizing Bush? Well, it seems
that certain criticisms are more equal than others, especially
when it comes to picking on Bush for being too "pro-gay."
Yep, in a time when Americans have to "watch what they say,"
the Family Research Council seems to be getting a free pass
for criticizing the President over his "implicit endorsement"
of the "homosexual political agenda." In a memo
last week, FRC President Ken Connor wrote down a whole list
of beefs he has with Bush: letting openly gay Rep. Jim Kolbe
speak at the GOP convention, naming a "militant advocate of
homosexual rights," as ambassador to Canada (Paul Celluci),
choosing "prominent gay activist" Scott Evertz to head the
White House AIDS office, and more. The memo was also critical
of Colin Powell for presiding over the swearing-in of "openly
homosexual foreign service officer" Michael Guest as ambassador
to Romania. Presumably, though, Ari Fleischer won't be making
much of an effort to get the FRC to shut up. For starters,
they're not liberals - and let's face it, if there's one thing
conservatives hate more than criticism of Bush, it's the "gay
agenda."
 Rush
Limbaugh
And
finally: it's good old Rush and his reliable sources. El Lumpo
went on the rampage last week after ABC news anchor Peter
Jennings accused President Bush live on air, September 11,
for not returning to Washington immediately. Outraged, Rush
pounced on his microphone like it was a double Whopper with
cheese. "Little Peter couldn't understand why George Bush
didn't address the nation sooner than he did," said the Tonnage
On Loan From God, "and even made snide comments like, 'Well,
some presidents are just better at it than others,' and 'Maybe
it's wise that certain presidents just not try to address
the people of the country.'" Rush went on to explain that
Jennings was foolish, whining, babyish, and an example of
liberals' unrealistic selfishness. It's a shame that Limbaugh
went off on this tirade when the only evidence he had was
an e-mail from a friend, because - surprise - it turned out
to be completely false, and he had to make a full on-air retraction
after ABC protested.
Said Rush, "we will correct this and be upfront about it,
so as to avoid any uncertain angst and unnecessary angst on
the part of our colleagues at ABC." A bit late really, considering
that Jennings had already received 10,000 angry e-mails and
phone calls. My advice: Instead of hiring people to carry
him to the bathroom, Rush should employ some researchers.
See you next week!
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