The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 65)
April 29, 2002
Pat On The Nose Edition

We have a new entry at the top of the chart this week - Bill Schneider of CNN makes his debut in the number one spot. But you don't have to look far for some old faces. Pat Robertson (2) twists logic's arm behind its back, and Ari Fleischer (3) just twists and turns like a twisty turny thing. Tom DeLay makes it two weeks in a row, hitting the number four slot this time, and Tom Feeney (5) never had a friend he couldn't write helpful legislation for. Bringing up the rear we have John Engler (7) who wins this week's hypocrisy award, the Saudi Delegation (8) who would rather their pilots didn't have to talk to any girls, and Jesse Helms (10) who takes a licking but keeps on ticking (eeewww). As usual, here's the key. Enjoy!

Bill Schneider
Way, way back in Idiots 7 we noted that Mr. Rush Limbaugh had been making some interesting comments about the 2000 election results, to wit: "If you take away the black vote, Bush won by a landslide." Pretty dumb, even for a fat bag of wind such as Limbaugh. But apparently this nonsense crept into the mainstream last week when CNN's Bill "The Shill" Schneider did a special puff piece to bolster Bush's pseudo-legitimacy. You see, as Schneider explained (with fancy graphics), if you don't count black people's votes, Bush would have won by 187 electoral college votes! Fancy that! And not only that, but if you take away the black vote in the 2000 Senate races, the Dems would win only 37 seats instead of 50, or, as Schneider himself put it, "a hopeless minority." Apparently Schneider is of the opinion that the white vote is the only vote that matters. Too bad for him we have a little document called the U.S. Constitution which requires candidates to win a majority of votes cast by all voters, regardless of race. So, when is Schneider going to do a piece on the size of Gore's landslide if you take away the votes of drunk banjo-playing inbreds? Just wondering...

Pat Robertson
From the "practice what you preach" file: Pat Robertson, a God-fearing Christian man, believes that gambling is a sin. But apparently lining one's own pockets with dirty gambling money is A-OK. Consider: Last week it was reported that the oh-so-Right Reverend Robertson owns a racehorse, Mr. Pat. (In naming the horse, it seems that Rev. Pat forgot that vanity was one of the seven deadly sins.) Of course, Rev. Pat sees no contradiction between condemning gambling and owning racehorses. "I don't bet on my own horses, and I don't think anyone else should either," he said. Pat owns racehorses because he likes to "look at them as performers and study their bloodlines." You see, the gambling isn't his problem because he's not gambling. By Pat's awesome moral logic, one could argue that drug users are sinners, but drug dealers are just people who enjoy a good vacation to Colombia once in a while.

Ari Fleischer
Axe in hand, George W. Bush was out and about chopping down trees to celebrate Earth Day last week. Meanwhile, Al Gore was assailing the Bush administration's environmental record in a New York Times guest column. "Put simply, on the environment, this administration has consistently sold out America's future in return for short-term political gains," wrote the real President of the United States. So what was the Bush administration's spin on Gore's accusations? Step forward Bush Spokesliar Ari Fleischer, who rather poorly attempted to blow the whole thing off: "I think that has more to do with internal Democratic posturing than it does with any serious assessment of the president's environmental record. After all, (Gore) in an era of peace and prosperity made the same charges in the campaign and the voters elected President Bush." Well Ari, thanks for reminding us of Clinton/Gore's eight years of peace and prosperity. But you really need to get over this idea the the "voters elected President Bush." Last we heard the Crawford Crapster received half a million votes fewer than Al Gore.

Tom Delay
Tom DeLay's appearances on the chart are like buses - cheap, noisy, and smelly. Um - I mean, you don't see one for ages and then two come along at once. After cracking the Top Ten at number three last week, he's back for more with this classic from a speech to the First Baptist Church of Pearland, TX.: "Ladies and gentlemen, Christianity offers the only viable, reasonable, definitive answer to the questions of 'Where did I come from?' 'Why am I here?' 'Where am I going?' 'Does life have any meaningful purpose?'" Yes, it seems that Preacher Tom has figured out the answers to life, the universe, and everything. So there you have it - one of the most powerful members of the government of a country which prides itself on freedom of religion has decided that Christianity is the only viable answer. Thanks Tom!

Tom Feeney
Last week it was reported that the Orlando regional transit authority (Lynx) voted to ask Jeb Bush to smack down a bill proposed by Florida House Speaker Tom Feeney. Why? Because the bill would shut down the agency's transportation program for the poor and elderly. Nice. But here's the deal - it turns out that if the bill is passed, a firm represented by a very good friend of Tom Feeney gets to take over Lynx's $47 million transit contract. Gee, betcha never saw that coming. Yup, it's yet another example of Republican capitalism at its finest...

Michael Williams
Michael Williams is a Republican candidate for the 5th Congressional District seat in Alabama. And boy, does he have an interesting platform. Firstly, Mr. Williams has proposed a 1 percent tax on science fiction novels to help fund NASA. And secondly, Williams has called for a "global grand convention" which would ensure all inhabitants of Earth the same basic rights found in the U.S. Constitution. But that's not all - the resolution would also, according to the Huntsville Times, "require holding a constitutional convention when 30,000 colonists have settled or been born 'on the moon, Mars or any other celestial body besides the Earth.'" Which leaves us with the question: what planet is Michael Williams from, exactly?

John Engler
How's this for hypocrisy? Governor John Engler of Michigan spent much of the 1990's trashing Al Gore's environmental ideas and telling autoworkers that Gore would destroy the automobile industry. But - surprise! - last week, Gov. Engler announced plans to create an energy research center. The center would focus on developing hybrid and hydrogen fuel engines. Of course, Al Gore has been advocating this kind of technology for years - and blinkered politicos like Engler have been alternately mocking, scaremongering, and pointing fingers. So does Engler feel bad about flip-flopping on this issue? Fat chance. "It isn't the kind of ruinous policy Gore was advocating," Engler huffed, earning himself the Lame-Ass Excuse Of The Year Award. But we'll give Gore spokesman Jano Cabrera the last word: "By 2004 Gov. Engler will realize that we need not only alternative energies, but an alternative administration." Damn straight!

The Saudi Delegation
Our great ally, homosexual-executing and schoolgirl-burning Saudi Arabia is up to its medieval tricks once again. The Dallas News reported last week that Saudi Crown Prince Abdullah's representatives requested that no female air traffic controllers be on duty when Abdullah traveled to Texas for his summit with Dubya. Presumably this was for safety reasons, since hearing a female voice on the other end of the radio could arouse the pilots of Prince Abdullah's plane with potentially lethal results. Unfortunately authorities in the Houston en route center apparently refused to comply with the prince's request, leaving the Saudi pilots wrestling for control of their joysticks.

J.C. Watts and Dick Armey
Last week congressional Democrats unveiled their winning message for the 2002 election season. Under the slogan "Securing America's Future for All of our Families," soon-to-be House Speaker Gephardt outlined an agenda focusing on healthcare, financial security, education, and the environment. Republicans, ideologically bankrupt and unable to provide any substantive policy alternative, responded with a chorus of pathetic whining. Apparently GOP crybabies are of the opinion that only the Republican party can claim to be "Securing America's Future," declaring that they were the first to ever coin this highly-original turn-of-phrase. "They've stolen our slogan," Rep. J.C. Watts sputtered, his fists clenched and his eyes welling up with tears. He then muttered something about taking his ball and going home. Dick Armey joined the GOP pout-fest, saying, "we were securing America's future long before they stumbled on to this rhetorical hijacking," adding that his dad could beat up Gephardt's dad. Waaahhhh!

Jesse Helms
And finally, our old friend Jesse Helms was admitted to a Maryland hospital for open heart surgery last week. The surgery lasted five hours. "He did very well," said Helms's chief of staff, Jimmy Broughton. The surgeon in charge of the operation added, "It's usually a much quicker procedure, but when we opened up the Senator's chest we had a bit of trouble finding the damn thing." <rimshot> See you next week!

Nominate a Conservative for Next Week's List