The Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 66)
May 6, 2002
Osama, Where Art Thou? Edition

It seems that action-figure George is having better luck catching action-figure Osama than real George is having catching real Osama. But you'll have to read on down to number 7 for that one, because we've got a trailerfull of quality idiots this week. Take Jeb Bush (1) and the House Republicans (2) ably demonstrating that drug use is something you throw other people in jail for. And Condoleezza Rice (3) apparently thinks that overthrowing duly elected foreign leaders is just fine. But then what's new. John "I Can't Be Bothered" Ashcroft (4) is back, faithfully enforcing "good" laws but not worrying too much about the ones he doesn't like. And Justice Roy Moore (6) makes his third appearance on the chart. Rounding out the list we have old faves Fox News (8) and Saudi Arabia (9), and you'll definitely want to read about Ric Keller (10). Enjoy, and don't forget the key.

Jeb Bush
Last week it was reported that Jeb Bush broke into tears as he addressed a Drug Summit in Tallahassee. Apparently the stress of having a drug addict for a daughter is just too much for the poor guy. "I want to thank you on behalf of my wife for your prayers and for your quiet counseling in the last few months about our daughter Noelle," he said. "Bush men always cry, I apologize. It's a little genetic problem I got from my dad." (Never mind that his brother George has probably never cried in his life, unless you count the time he mocked Texas death-row inmate Karla Faye Tucker, pretending to cry as he begged "Please don't kill me.") Jeb's is a classic case of conservative self-compassion. He knows firsthand how tough it is to have a drug addict in the family when you're an extremely well-connected multimillionaire white guy, but he's got no sympathy for poor minorities with the same problem.

House Republicans
While we're talking about drug use by rich white people, here's an interesting little story from the U.S. House of Representatives: Eleven congressional pages were given the boot last week because they were caught with dope in their dorm. No surprise there - after all, the Republicans are known as staunch anti-drug crusaders who have long fought for harsher criminal penalties for illicit drug use. Strangely, however, these congressional pages were not turned in to local police. Why? "We don't comment on personnel matters," said a spokesman for House Speaker Dennis Hastert. It turns out that the eleven pages were all nominated by Republican members of the House, no doubt drawing from a diverse pool of children of well-connected, rich, white Republicans. For kids like that, you see, drug use is a "personal matter." It's only criminal for the rest of us.

Condoleezza Rice
Get your gag-sacks at the ready - this spin is liable to cause nausea and dizziness. Condoleezza Rice was explaining the Bush administration's international policy to students at Johns Hopkins University last week, when, on the subject of the US-endorsed Venezuelan coup she claimed that, "Just because Chavez was elected doesn't mean he exhibited democratic values," according to Yahoo News. Yes that's right - if the unelected Bush junta thinks that the duly elected leader of a foreign country is exhibiting undemocratic values, then they have the right - no, the duty - to step in and remove that leader through undemocratic methods. Oh, wait a minute, I forgot - we had nothing to do with it, did we?

John Ashcroft
Remember the Ashcroft confirmation hearings? Responding to Democratic concerns, the arch-conservative former senator from Missouri insisted that if he were confirmed as Attorney General, he would faithfully enforce all federal laws, even those with which he disagreed. Last week we learned that it was all a pack of conservative lies. Senator Charles Schumer unveiled a study, which showed that under Ashcroft's crooked leadership, the Justice Department has been purposely shirking its responsibility to enforce our nation's environmental laws. Typically, the DOJ would show up for the court cases, but they just wouldn't try very hard. Eventually, they either (a) lose the case and then don't bother to appeal, or (b) enter into a sweetheart settlement that lets their corporate buddies get off scott-free. What's the point of even having laws when the Attorney General won't enforce them?

Rita Wilson
We've all heard of school dress codes - but this is ridiculous. Parents of children at Rancho Bernardo High School, San Diego, were most upset to discover that the school's vice principal, Rita Wilson, was conducting an "underwear check" at a recent school dance. Yes that's right. An underwear check. See, Wilson was trying to find out if any of the girls attending the dance were wearing a thong - if they were, they were sent home to change. Apparently girls who arrived at the dance wearing short skirts were immediately asked the question, "What kind of underwear do you have on?" and in some cases Mrs. Wilson was lifting skirts to make extra-sure. Parents are understandably outraged, but unfortunately there's nothing they can do. You see, Wilson's actions are perfectly legal under clause 12.6.d of the Patriot Act, which gives conservative idiots "underpant ascertainment and enforcement capabilities."

Roy Moore
Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court Roy Moore is no stranger to this list (see Idiots 30 & 56) and he's back again this week with a great display of conservative fiscal responsibility. It seems that there has been a serious budget crisis in the Alabama court system, but don't worry - Roy Moore came up with a great solution. First he severely curtailed jury trials, leaving accused men and women sitting in jail and victims stuck pondering the outcome of their ordeals. But that's the clever part! The absence of jury trials allowed Moore to lay off 170 part-time temporary employees and save the state the $10 a day it pays jurors. Clever huh? In fact Moore was so pleased with himself that he promptly gave two of his top administrators a five percent pay raise. Everyone's a winner with Chief Justice Roy Moore!

Herobuilders
How's this for cashing in? Connecticut toy-makers Herobuilders have been churning out thousands of George W. Bush and Osama bin Laden dolls to thriftless tobacco-chewing rubes nationwide. The company originally made Bush, Giuliani, and Tony Blair dolls (for legal reasons known respectively as "Our Hero," "The Rock," and "The Ally" - gag) but apparently they couldn't ignore the demand for Osama dolls. Not that "Our Hero" seems to give much of a toss about apprehending the evil-doer these days, but at least with these dolls he can pretend that he's caught him. Plus the company apparently has no plans to make a "fat bin Laden" and a "thin bin Laden," as seen in Osama's video appearances, but hey, you can't have it all. Who are we to knock this kind of free enterprise anyway? After all, that's what makes America great. I guess.

Fox News
You can be sure to get real expert opinion and commentary from Fox News, because they take their news very seriously. Very seriously indeed. After all, they are the Fair And Balanced news network, aren't they? They report, you decide. Well we've decided - Fox News doesn't know its ass from its elbow. Take their ex-military expert Joseph A. Cafasso for example - lieutenant colonel, Silver Star winner, Vietnam veteran, a member of the secret mission to rescue the Iranian hostages in 1980 - a real military hero with a real knowledge of his subject. Um, except... not. According to the New York Times, "records indicate that his total military experience was 44 days of boot camp at Fort Dix, N.J., in May and June 1976, and his honorable discharge as a private, first class." Wow, those guys at Fox News are real fact-checkers, ain't they? Speaks volumes for their credentials as a "news" service...

Saudi Arabia
Considering the fact that most of the 9/11 hijackers were Saudis, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia has had it pretty easy. Fortunately they had the Taliban in Afghanistan to take the heat off them while they killed schoolgirls and homosexuals in their own country (see Idiots passim), and held telethons for suicide bombers. Last week they added to their string of hits by cracking down on indecent women's clothing. (Saudi definition of indecent: a thick and non-revealing black cloak with "sequins on the cuffs or a jeans pocket sewn on the back.") Despite the fact that George W. Bush has been sucking up to them for the last year and a half, the Saudis still felt the need to buff up their image. So the embassy of Saudi Arabia has signed up a bunch of big-name DC Lobbying and P.R. firms, including some with close ties to the GOP. The result: a bunch of disgusting commercials touting the Kingdom as our ally in the War on Terrorism. To which ordinary Americans can only wonder, "with allies like these..."

Ric Keller
And finally: what do you call a Republican who's so dumb it makes you want to poke your eyes out with a wet piece of lettuce? The answer: Ric Keller. Mr. Keller is running for Congress in Orlando, FL, and by all accounts he's a shoo-in. Keller is the incumbent and has raised more than $1 million in campaign contributions. By contrast his opponent, Democrat Eddie Díaz, has only raised $20,000. But here's the twist - Eddie Díaz is a former police officer who took several bullets during a traffic stop in 2000. He spent the last two years recuperating - his partner, George DeSalvia, was killed. So if you were Ric Keller, what do you think your best strategy would be to win this election. Focus on the issues? Take the high ground? Stay on message? Not this Ric Keller, baby! In a campaign blunder of epic proportions, Keller contacted DeSalvia's family specifically for the purposes of discrediting Díaz - yup, they've been campaigning on the message that Díaz didn't do enough to save his former partner's life (while Díaz was lying shot on the ground). How smart is that? Exploiting the death of your opponent's former partner for political purposes must obviously rank right up there on the compassionate conservative's to-do list. See you next week...

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