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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 85)
September
30, 2002
Iraq And Roll Edition
 Dubya
is back with a vengeance this week after curiously failing
to crack the chart two weeks ago. He claims the number one,
part of the number two, and the number three spots. Way to
go, George! The chump-in-charge's behind-the-scenes puppetmaster,
Dick Cheney, also manages to grab a slot this week, sneaking
in at number four. Holding on behind these world-class idiots
we find Katherine Harris's most unlikely fan Candice Brown
McElyea (5), unnecessarily irate congressman Joe Wilson (7),
and the hilariously hypocritical Bob Richardson (9). It's
a fine list this week so enjoy, and as usual, don't forget
the key.
 George
W. Bush
Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Iraq! Yes folks, it seems
that George W. Bush's brain has jammed. Never mind Osama bin
Laden, the economy, corporate scandals (that he insisted
he was so concerned about), unemployment, or a host of other
domestic issues. It's all about getting troops into Iraq and
kicking Saddam's butt with our great big red, white and blue
boots. So why is Dubya so fixated
on Iraq? Does he really think that Saddam is an imminent
threat to the good people of the United States? Or could it
possibly be because if he doesn't talk about Iraq,
then he'll have to talk about... Osama bin Laden, the economy,
corporate scandals, unemployment, or a host of other domestic
issues? We report, you decide. By the way, we didn't publish
the list last week, but we haven't forgotten about George's
recent brilliant and Churchillian, "Fool me, won't get
fooled again," speech. If you missed it, click here
for the full inanity. (*this
link has been fixed - thanks to T. Ikeda)
 Various
Sickening Conservatives
Is this the most partisan administration ever, or what? So
much for all of Dubya's pre-election promises to unite, not
divide, and bring integrity and bipartisanship back to Washington
DC. What a load of bollocks. Only last week President Chimpy
announced
that the Democratic-controlled Senate is "not interested in
the security of the American people" - at a campaign fundraiser
of all places. Tom DeLay picked up this unseemly baton and
ran
with it, getting even more confused than his non-too-smart
boss: "They believe we ought to dream of peace rather
than going out and fight for it." (Uhhhh...?) Meanwhile,
Ann Coulter was almost literally frothing at the mouth, telling
radio commentator Ed Walsh that Democrats are "desperately
dying to provide aid and support to al-Qaeda." Oh, but of
course we must not say bad things about the Republicans.
Why, that would be un-American, playing politics
in a time of war, and how dare we? And... and... oh,
never mind.
 George
W. Bush
Thank goodness George isn't above a hefty dose of bullpoop
to make sure he gets revenge on the man who tried to kill
his dad. The International Atomic Energy Agency last week
said that a report cited by Dubya as evidence that Iraq is
six months away from developing a nuclear weapon... doesn't
exist. Huh? Yup, President Joke said this
on September 7th: "I would remind you that when the inspectors
first went into Iraq and were denied — finally denied access,
a report came out of the Atomic — the IAEA that they were
six months away from developing a weapon. I don't know what
more evidence we need." What more evidence indeed.
How about some evidence that actually exists? Going into full
spin mode, the White House suggested that Bush was talking
about an earlier (much earlier) report. "He's referring to
1991 there," said Deputy Press Secretary Scott McClellan.
Uh - no, actually. The IAEA's chief spokesman said no such
report was issued in 1991 either. Of course, the media faithfully
reported this "evidence" as god's own truth - so
guess what, kids? Iraq is six months away from developing
a nuclear weapon! It's true because George said so!
 Dick
Cheney
Meanwhile, it seems that Dick Cheney's Coward Budget is getting
a little tight. Vice President Crashcart's staff said last
week that he needs an extra $100,000 for travel - presumably
to get to and from his secret hidey-hole a little quicker.
Congress has already appropriated $386,000 for Dick's little
trips this year - which he's spent - plus an extra $50,000
for "unanticipated travel." With the extra $100,000,
that comes to a grand total of $536,000. Is that a lot? The
New York Times reports
that, "in 1994, the comparable year for President Bill
Clinton, former Vice President Al Gore was allocated $135,000
- or $164,000 in today's dollars - and spent $42,000, or $51,000
in today's dollars." Of course, Al Gore didn't have 9/11
to worry about. But then, he's not a yellow-bellied chicken
either.
 Candice
Brown McElyea
Who? Well, if you don't live in Sarasota, FL, chances are
you won't have heard of Candice Brown McElyea. She recently
ran as a Democratic candidate against Katherine Harris with
the slogan "Anyone But Katherine." Admirable, for
sure! Unfortunately McElyea came third in her primary race,
losing to Jan Schneider. So you may be surprised to learn
that McElyea appeared at a joint press conference to endorse
her candidate of choice last week - no, not Jan Schneider,
but - gasp - Katherine Harris herself. Hiss! According
to an opinion piece in the Herald-Tribune, "After
their joint announcement, they hugged and acted all girly
together, smiling and touching in mutual admiration like reunited
sorority roommates, as the press conference cameras rolled."
Sickening? Let's just say I've got my barf bag handy. When
asked whether she was a Democrat or Republican, McElyea said,
"I'm not sure at this point." Candice darling, you
think the Democrats want your election-thief-supporting ass?
Just register as a Republican and get it over with.
 James
C. Chalfant
There are more potentially suspicious doings afoot in Bill
Simon's ongoing campaign debacle. Buzzflash reported
last week that James C. Chalfant, the judge who recently cleared
California gubernatorial hopeful Bill Simon of candicacy-destroying
legal charges, had - hmmm - donated $1000 in 1998 to Dan Lungren,
the then Republican candidate for Governor. Not that he's
politically biased or anything. I mean, the California Code
of Judicial Ethics instructs judges to "act at all times in
a manner that promotes public confidence in the integrity
and impartiality of the judiciary," and to "avoid political
activity that may create the appearance of political bias
or impropriety." And since the Republican party is the party
of ethics and honesty, we must assume that there
is nothing to see here...
 Joe
Wilson
Rep. Joe Wilson (R-SC) almost bust his spleen on C-SPAN's
Washington Journal last week. Why? It all began when
congressman Bob Filner (D-CA) suggested
that Iraq got their chemical weapons from the United States
during the 1980s (thanks Ronnie). "That's wrong,"
said Wilson. "That's made up." (Nice try Joe, but
you might want to check your facts
before making statements like that.) And it was all downhill
from there: "This hatred of America by some people is just
outrageous, and you need to get over that," Wilson told Filner.
"Hatred of America? Are you accusing me?" replied
Filner. "Yes!" shouted Wilson. Ah, you gotta enjoy
those bipartisan love fests. Bizarrely, Wilson said later
that "If I hurt his feelings, I didn't mean to. And I
certainly didn't mean to question his patriotism." Hmm, so
telling someone that they hate America isn't questioning their
patriotism. Must remember that...
 Whoever's
Running The "War On Terror" This Week
Hey, remember Afghanistan? It kinda seems to have dropped
out of the news lately, hasn't it? I guess that since we lost
Osama, generally failed to capture a truckload of Al Qaeda
leaders, and managed to install a new president who's more
than willing to sell us some space for an oil pipeline, there's
not much more to say. So it was interesting to note that despite
the U.S. media's best propaganda efforts, Newsweek
is reporting
that Operation Mountain Sweep was a resounding failure. In
Newsweek's own words: "Witnesses claim that American
soldiers of the 82nd Airborne division succeeded mainly in
terrorizing innocent villagers, and setting back counterinsurgency
and intelligence operations in the area by at least six months."
But since Saddam's the big threat these days, who cares! Right?
Bob
Richardson
Poor old Bob Richardson, liberal-hater and Colorado attorney.
Our Bob was well known in Glenwood Springs, CO for his famous
liberal-bashing columns in the Glenwood Springs Post Independent.
Apparently his anti-Bill-and-Hil articles were stuff of legend.
But sadly Bob won't be able to bash those unethical and immoral
liberal swine with a straight face any more - according
to the Aspen Daily News, he lost his license to practice
law last week "after state investigators said he took
thousands of dollars from senior citizens across the Western
Slope by making false promises to protect their savings."
Oh dear. Still, it's probably all Bill Clinton's fault, right
Bob? Your fixation on his penis inexorably coaxed you over
to the dark side, right Bob? Hello? Bob?
 Dick
Armey
And finally, it seems that the specter of retirement may have
short-circuited a few neural pathways in Dick Armey's brain.
The outgoing House Majority Leader, speaking at an event in
Florida last week, announced
that "I always see two Jewish communities in America: one
of deep intellect and one of shallow, superficial intellect.
Conservatives have a deeper intellect and tend to have occupations
of the brain in fields like engineering, science and economics...
Liberals are generally not very bright, and conservatives
are deep thinkers." Oh really?
So let's get this straight: Jews that disagree with Armey
must be liberals, and are therefore stupid, since it's well
known that conservatives are smarter than liberals. Yup, it
sounds like something that might come out of the mouths of
right-wing hate radio broadcasters like Rush Limbaugh or Sean
Hannity, but this is the House Majority Leader for
goodness sake. Way to throw in some religious slurs with your
partisanship there too, Dick. See you next week...
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