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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 86)
October
7, 2002
Coup Jersey Edition
 Only
a month until election day, and the Republicans are up to
their old tricks again. At the top of the list, Doug Forrester
(1) is trying to win his seat the old-fashioned way: by stealing
it. George W. Bush (2), is busy slandering Senate Democrats
in classic Republican chickenhawk style. Meanwhile, Dick Posthumus
(3) is playing the race card in Michigan, while Jerry Falwell
(4) shows his tolerance of other faiths, and Richard Perle
(5) disses the chancellor of Germany. Jeb Bush (8) is back,
scapegoating gays for his own failures, while Charles Grassley
(9) plays the Hitler card. Don't forget the key.
 Doug
Forrester
Much recent cheek-puffing and smoke-blowing has left Doug
Forrester looking like Mr. Clean in the New Jersey's senate
race. But, as with most things Republican, this air of respectability
is nothing more than a complete and total sham. Forrester's
been arguing that his ex-opponent Bob Torricelli should not
be replaced on the ballot because New Jersey has a law which
says candidates may only be replaced up to 51 days before
the election. And therefore the Democrats are law-breaking
scumbags who would sell their own mothers to win. Oh really?
That's funny, because the New Jersey Supreme Court, (most
of whom were appointed by Republican Christine Todd Whitman)
unanimously decided
that "N.J.S.A. 19:13-20 does not preclude the possibility
of a vacancy occurring within fifty-one days of the general
election." That's right folks, there is no applicable
"51-day" law in New Jersey - but the Republicans
are more
than willing to tell you that there is. Why? So they can run
their candidate unopposed, of course! It's democracy,
stupid! (Oh, and by the way, if you want more evidence that
this is a bunch of classic Republican hypocrisy, try this
for size.)
 George
W. Bush
Once again, George W. Bush showed his outright contempt for
the American people and for all standards of decency as he
ratcheted up the campaign rhetoric against the Democrats last
week. When the Senate refused to rubber-stamp his Homeland
Security bill, Bush said
that that Democrats are "not interested in the security
of the American people." Enraged, Democratic Leader Tom
Daschle lashed back on the floor of the US Senate, demanding
that Bush apologize "to every veteran who has fought
in every war who is a Democrat in the Senate" and to
the American People. Don't hold your breath waiting for an
apology, Tom. Bush didn't bother to fight for the security
of the American People last time he had the chance,
choosing instead to sign up for the National Guard and then
go AWOL.
 Dick
Posthumus
Why is it that Democrats always get accused of playing the
race card, when it seems that Republicans have a full deck
complete with five aces? Take for example the latest
twist in the Michigan Gubernatorial race, where Republican
Dick Posthumus has begun running a Willie Horton-style ad
claiming that if Democrat Jennifer Granholm is elected she
might actually - gasp! - help black people. The ad states
that Granholm would write "a blank check for Detroit" (read,
"black people") and basically implies that all the
poor white folks out in the suburbs would have their money
viciously wrestled from them by Granholm herself, who would
then drive around downtown Detroit in a big bus with "Free
Cash" painted on the side, handing bundles of twenties
to welfare queens and drug dealers. Way to go... Dick.
 Jerry
Falwell
The nutty reverend is at it again, continuing his post-9/11
Christian Crusade of Bigotry™ against Arabs, homosexuals,
liberals, and other threats to decent society. This week's
Falwellian boogeyman: The Prophet Muhammed.
On the CBS newsmagazine "Sixty Minutes," he said
that "Muhammed. was a terrorist." Having no doubt
immersed himself in the study of Islam, Jerry explained that
Muhammed. was "a man of war," which makes him a
terrorist. Hmmm. I'm guessing that Reverend Falwell doesn't
have a similar opinion of a certain other "man of war"
currently sitting in the White House.
 Richard
Perle 
The massive arrogance of the Bush Junta was on full display
last week, as Pentagon advisor Richard Perle lashed out at
German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, calling on him to resign.
You see, the Bushies don't like the fact that Schroeder dared
to suggest that Dubya's war in Iraq might not be such a great
idea. When asked what Schroeder could do to improve US-German
relations, Perle said that "It would be best if he resigned."
Never mind that Schroeder was democratically elected by the
people of Germany just two weeks ago - the arrogant bastards
in the Bush administration have shown time and again that
they don't give a damn about democratic elections. I can think
of a better way to improve US-German relations...
 Stan
Jones
Stan Jones, Montana's Libertarian candidate for Senate, is
blue. No, he's not miserable - he's actually literally blue.
Apparently Mr. Jones has began "taking colloidal silver
in 1999 for fear that Y2K disruptions might lead to a shortage
of antibiotics," according
to the Associated Press, and now his skin has permanently
turned a blue-gray color. Stan says that, "people ask me if
it's permanent and if I'm dead." Presumably they also ask
him if he's two cans short of a sixpack or what.
 Afghanistan
Well I'm glad we kicked those religious maniacs the Taliban
out of Afghanistan! Now we've dropped a few bombs and kicked
a few brown butts the formerly-terrorist-ridden-but-now-surely-sane-and-democratic
country must just be a haven of peace and joy. What's that?
It's not? Try this:
a pregnant woman was recently jailed because her brother-in-law
said that she had sex with her cousin. The evidence? Well,
her brother-in-law said she did, so it must be true!
He's now disappeared with her other four children, and is
apparently working on selling her deceased husband's land.
The good news though is that under the old law, she would
have been executed. So I'm glad we didn't accidentally blow
up that wedding for nothing.
 Jeb
Bush
The massive failure of the Florida Department of Children
and Families in the case of missing child Rilya Wilson has
drawn national attention, and Governor Jeb Bush has been on
the political hot seat. So the Governor was gleeful
last week when he learned that he might be able to foist the
blame onto a convenient scapegoat: gays and lesbians. According
to the Pensacola News Journal, Jeb told a group of
visiting legislators that he had some "juicy details"
about the five-year-old child's caregivers, and then implied
that they were lesbians. "Bet you don't get that in Pensacola,"
Jeb told his visitors. Typical Republican ass-covering: When
all else fails, blame the gays. Shameful.
Charles
Grassley
It must be election season, because Dubya isn't the only one
slandering the Democrats. On the floor of the U.S. Senate,
Charles Grassley showed how low
the GOP was willing to go this year: Hitler comparisons. Said
Grassley: "I am sure voters will get their fill of statistics
claiming that the Bush tax cut hands out 40 percent of the
benefit to the top 1 percent of the taxpayers. This is not
merely misleading, it is outright false. Some folks must be
under the impression that as long as something is repeated
often enough, it will become true. That was how Adolf Hitler
got to the top." Note how Grassley didn't bother to tell
us what the actual statistics for Bush's tax cut are.
Was it 39 percent? Maybe 40.2 percent! Either way it's still
"outright false." I don't know about Hitler, but
Goebbels would be proud, Chuck.
 Lucille
Poulin
And finally, what would you do with a bunch of disobedient
children? Perhaps you might search for guidance in the words
of the Bible and ask yourself "what would Jesus do?"
That's what former nun Lucille Poulin did recently, and lo!
The answer was simple: beat the children with a heavy wooden
paddle. Ms. Poulin appeared in court last week and told the
jury that "she was personally directed by God to hit
the children in order to correct their behavior and save them
from going to Hell," according
to Canada's Globe and Mail. "It isn't easy," said
she, "but God said to do it." I must've missed that bit
of the Bible at Sunday School... although to be fair, I probably
would have paid more attention if someone had been whacking
me with a big stick. See you next week!
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