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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 131)
October
20, 2003
Animal Crackers Edition
 Watch
out, endangered species! The Bush Administration (1) has got
a plan to save you by killing you. (Got that?) This of course,
is typical for the current administration, where killing is
pretty much the highest form of virtue. Speaking of killing,
if you're someone who's got a problem with all the killing
going on (like, say, a Democratic U.S. Senator) don't expect
to get any respect from the Pentagon (2), who'll roll out
the red carpet for the GOP, but leave you standing on the
tarmac. George W. Bush (4,7) himself is up to his usual idiocy,
earning two mentions on the list. Colin Powell (5) gets busted,
and Dick Cheney's former employer Halliburton (6) fleeces
the U.S. taxpayer. And rounding out the list, we've got a
couple of religious nuts Saudi Arabia (8) and William Boykin
(10). As usual, don't forget the key!
 The
Bush Administration
So apparently the Bush administration has decided that it's
time to ease
restrictions on the killing, capturing and importing of
endangered species. And why would they want to do this?
The answer, to anyone who's been following the antics of the
Bush administration over the last couple of years, should
be quite familiar - they believe that killing and capturing
endangered species is the best way to protect them.
Isn't it obvious? Here's how it works: part of the money spent
by U.S. zoos and circuses to import endangered animals would
be simply be funneled back to the animals' country of origin
to support conservation projects. Clever, huh? The more endangered
animals we import, the more money goes overseas to help protect
them. In fact, if you think about it, the more animals we
remove from their natural habitat, the more money will go
back into their conservation, and the more animals there will
be to capture or hunt! It's brilliant! Reopen the ivory trade
- soon there will be wild elephants teeming across the Serengeti!
Build more whaling ships - before long the oceans will be
crammed full of whales! Put a price on Pandas' heads - and
you'll have Pandas as far as the eye can see! I can't understand
why nobody but the circus, zoo, pet industry, and hunting
lobbies thought of this before now...
 The
Pentagon
Last week Our Great Leader kept up his push to explain to
America that everything is going just fine in Iraq, while
U.S. soldiers continue to die on an almost daily basis. But
Bush's optimistic proclamations of great success were given
a healthy boost by Republican lawmakers who were recently
taken on carefully-planned guided tours of Baghdad and returned
from Iraq bearing - surprise - good news. Take Rep. George
Nethercutt, for example, who said,
"The story of what we've done in the postwar period is remarkable.
It is a better and more important story than losing a couple
of soldiers every day." Well I guess that depends on
whether you're related to one of those soldiers or not. But
if you think you might not be getting the whole picture here
- you're right. Last week Senator Chris Dodd and other top
Democrats were denied entry to Iraq by the Pentagon. Why?
Because according
to the Pentagon, "no planes were available to ferry the
group from Jordan to Iraq." Yeah, right. So the
next time you see George W. Bush complaining about how the
news coming out of Iraq isn't fair and balanced you'll know
that he's right - only Republicans are allowed to see what's
going on over there.
 Leaders
of The War On Terror
Last week the International Institute for Strategic Studies
released a report called "The Military Balance"
which, according
to the UK Guardian, says that "War in Iraq has
swollen the ranks of al-Qaida and 'galvanised its will' by
increasing radical passions among Muslims." Are you shocked?
Perhaps if you'd been given the same information as the prime
movers behind the war in Iraq, you wouldn't be. The Guardian
article goes on to note that "The parliamentary intelligence
and security committee reported last month that Tony Blair
was warned by his intelligence chiefs on the eve of war that
an invasion of Iraq would increase the danger of terrorist
attacks." Funny... I thought that the whole point of
the war was to reduce the danger of terrorist attacks.
Or was it to find weapons of mass destruction? Or free the
Iraqi people? It all seems so fuzzy these days.
 George
W. Bush
Looks like Our Great Leader is really getting a handle on
this White House leak thing. Two weeks ago he simultaneously
promised to catch the senior administration official who revealed
Valerie Plame's identity as a CIA agent, and said that
he had "no idea" if the person would be caught (see
Idiots 130), which is pretty impressive.
But last week he really put his foot down, telling top officials
to "stop the leaks" - or else. The Philadelphia Inquirer
reported that Bush "'didn't want to see any stories'
quoting unnamed administration officials in the media anymore,
and that if he did, there would be consequences." And
how do we know all this? Because it was told to the Inquirer
by "a senior administration official who asked that his
name not be used." Good job, George. You'll have those
pesky leaks under control before you can say "The Floccinaucinihilipilification
Administration."
 Colin
Powell
It was time for Colin Powell to be taken down a peg or two
last week when former chief State Department intelligence
analyst Greg Thielmann appeared on the PBS documentary "Truth,
War and Consequences." Thielmann described
how the Bush administration were "cherry-picking the
information that we provided to use whatever pieces of it
fit their overall interpretation," and said
that Powell's speech to the UN was "probably one of the
low points in his long distinguished service to the nation."
"They knew what they wanted the intelligence to show," said
Thielmann. "They were really blind and deaf to any kind of
countervailing information the intelligence community would
produce." Which would probably explain why the only weapons
of mass destruction that have turned up in Iraq so far are
a couple of trucks used for blowing up balloons, a metal tube
buried under a rose bush, half a jar of botulism toxin which
is probably just some three-year-old mayonnaise, and a pair
of Qusay's old socks.
 Halliburton
What a surprise - Iraq is becoming a major cash cow for Dick
Cheney's former company. And now Democrats are charging
that Halliburton is screwing the U.S. taxpayer while importing
gas into Iraq. Importing gas into Iraq? That's right
- the invasion that was supposed to pay for itself through
Iraqi oil revenues has ended with the U.S. importing oil into
Iraq. Brilliant. But as if that wasn't bad enough, Halliburton
is charging
the Army between $1.62 and $1.70 per gallon - the average
price for gas in the Middle East is 71 cents - while Iraqis
are charged between 4 cents and 15 cents at the pump.
Halliburton has already received $1.4 billion of the U.S.
taxpayer's money through September and seems intent on continuing
to gouge Joe Sixpack for every cent they get. Of course, the
fact that Dick Cheney still holds Halliburton stock options
and continues to receive deferred payments from his former
company has nothing to do with the fact that they've been
allowed to get away with this daylight robbery.
 George
W. Bush (again)
It's compassionate conservatism gone mad! The Washington
Post revealed
last week that the Bush administration "has been studying
whether a private contractor should take over the custodial
and food services provided by 21 federal employees at the
National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda." As part of
Bush's "competitive sourcing" initiative, civil servants working
in all areas of government have to "prove they can do
their work better and more cheaply than a private contractor,
or risk seeing the work outsourced." Sounds like
a good idea in principle, but here's the catch: the 21 federal
employees providing custodial and food services at the National
Naval Medical Center are all mentally retarded - "beneficiaries
of federal policies that promote the employment of people
with disabilities." See how this works? Bush is perfectly
happy to throw $87 billion at Iraq, but then turns round and
decides that he wants to shave a couple dollars off the budget
by firing government workers with disabilities. That's compassionate
conservatism in a nutshell, folks: more money for Halliburton
in Iraq, more disabled Americans out of a job and out on the
streets. Disgraceful.
 Saudi
Arabia
I hope Laura Bush is paying attention to this: last week 17
schoolgirls were suspended
from their school in eastern Saudi Arabia for the heinous
crime of uncovering their faces on a school bus. The girls
were caught during a surprise inspection. As expatriates they're
probably lucky to get away with a suspension, as opposed to
being suspended from the rafters - I mean, it's not as if
the Saudis are particularly well known for their excellent
treatment of schoolgirls (see Idiots
59). Still, despite being the home country of Osama
bin Laden and most of the 9/11 hijackers, the Saudis are still
our great allies. So we should probably ignore this kind of
behavior and instead give them a big round of applause for
all the support they've given us while we invaded Iraq, which,
as you know, was not about weapons of mass destruction at
all, but was instead about freeing the Iraqi people from the
tyrannical dictates of their leaders. Hey, wait a minute...
Clear
Channel DJs
With the war on terror all but over - if you discount the
fact that our soldiers are dying every day in Iraq, al Qaeda's
membership is on the rise, and we can't find Osama bin Laden,
Saddam Hussein, or any weapons of mass destruction - Clear
Channel DJs are looking for another group of evildoers to
spew venom at. And they seem to have found a worthy target
- cyclists! It appears
that at least three Clear Channel stations - in Cleveland,
Houston, and Raleigh, NC - have been instructing their listeners
to run cyclists off the road or pelt them with bottles. And
not only that, but they've been instructing them in the best
way to do it; even getting advice from callers. Surprise -
cyclists are pissed. Email campaigns and boycotts have
forced at least one station to issue a formal apology, but
the fact that this anti-cyclist campaign seems to be spreading
across the Clear Channel airwaves concerns some people. "When
you incite people to violence, you've crossed the line," said
Houston cyclist Frank Karbarz, who helped organize against
the station. "They did it almost like a tutorial. It wasn't
humorous. It was how to hurt someone." Of course, I don't
imagine that this has anything to do with the fact that most
Clear Channel listeners associate cycling with liberalism
- get off the road, you stupid environmentalist hippie!
- and I'm sure that this isn't just an underhanded way
of suggesting that red-blooded, pickup driving American patriots
should get out there and start running down the scum-sucking
liberal treehuggers - but I'm certainly interested to see
where they go with this next...
 Lt.
Gen. William "Jerry" Boykin
And finally, you'll be glad to learn that we have responsible,
sane, diplomatic people in charge of finding Saddam Hussein
and Osama bin Laden.
Take Lt. Gen. William "Jerry" Boykin, for example.
Boykin is the newly promoted deputy undersecretary of state
of defense for intelligence, and is at the forefront of the
hunt for Saddam and bin Laden. Unfortunately it was revealed
last week that he's made some rather dubious comments in the
past which make him look less like a top terrorist-hunter
and more like a... well, not to put too fine a point on it
- a religious nutcase. Boykin has apparently told religious
groups that George W. Bush was "chosen by God" to
lead the "global fight against Satan" - at one gathering
he said, "Why is this man in the White House? The majority
of Americans did not vote for him. He's in the White House
because God put him there for a time such as this." Silly
me - I could have sworn it was because of a bunch of Republican
aides "rioting" in Florida followed by a hopelessly
partisan Supreme Court decision. I guess God really does
work in mysterious ways. Boykin has also said that his God
is "bigger" than Allah, and that Muslims worship
an "idol," which is exactly the kind of attitude
you need when you're trying to recruit Muslims to help you
track down Saddam and Osama. The good news though is that
Boykin has decided to cut down on his public speaking while
he's working for Bush, saying "I don't want to come across
as a Right-wing radical." Goodness, no! That would never
do! See you next week...
The Top Ten Conservative Idiots is now on the radio!
The ieAmerica Radio Network is currently broadcasting "Cuckoo
Conservatives" - excerpts from the Top Ten read by 30+
year radio veteran Dean Randall. Dean has worked in broadcast
markets from the Midwest to the west coast including an overseas
hitch in Wellington, New Zealand, and most of his radio experience
was spent as a morning show personality. He is currently employed
by a local ABC TV affiliate and is active in politics on a
local, state and national basis. Dean says, "My liberal
roots went down and deep early when my father hosted a Minnesota
state DFL rally in 1961. Ever since I have had a keen interest
in politics and the Democratic philosophy and history."
You can drop him a line at DeanRandall1@aol.com
- and don't forget to tune into the ieAmerica
Radio Network to hear "Cuckoo Conservatives!"
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