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The
Top Ten Conservative Idiots (No. 97)
January
27, 2003
Sweet Little Lies Edition
 It's
Top Ten time again! With the war machine going into overdrive
we have a thoroughly depressing list of moronic conservative
behavior this week. George W. Bush and his lying administration
top the chart amidst revelations that they really never had
any evidence of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction, Colin
Powell (2) reveals how we're going to occupy Iraq's oilfields,
and there's George W. Bush again (3) announcing his fabulous
Office of Global Communications. Elsewhere, John Snow (4),
the new treasury secretary, is a drunk driver and deadbeat
dad, Jerry Thacker (5) is a first-class homophobe, and the
Republican Party (7) is has been caught "astroturfing."
Bringing up the rear we find the latest judicial conservative
idiot, Karl Forester (9) and back again in the number ten
slot is Matt Drudge. Don't forget the key!
 Bush
and his Lying Administration
If has been said that if you repeat a lie often enough, it
eventually becomes the truth. And boy, do the Bush Administration
like to repeat lies. How many times have we heard them say
over the last few months that they know Saddam has
weapons of mass destruction? How many times have they told
us that they have hard evidence that he is hoarding
these weapons, or building more? And how many times have we
wondered why, if the administration has this hard evidence,
aren't they just passing it along to the U.N. weapons inspectors
so they can go find the buggers? Well here's why - in a recent
New York Times article entitled "U.S. Set to Demand
That Allies Agree Iraq Is Defying UN" an alert reader
spotted this gem: "Administration officials said their
strategy was based on the belief that there might never be
a 'smoking gun' proving Iraq's possession of illegal weapons."
So... there's no actual evidence of weapons of mass
destruction then. Not that the Bush administration would ever
lie to the American people, of course.
 Colin
Powell
It's
so sickening to hear this administration talk
about the "war on terror" when you consider what
they're planning to do in Iraq. Colin Powell said
last week that Iraqi oilfields would be held "in trust"
for the Iraqi people. "If we are the occupying power, it will
be held for the benefit of the Iraqi people and it will be
operated for the benefit of the Iraqi people," he said. "How
will we operate it? How best to do that? We are studying different
models. But the one thing I can assure you of is that it will
be held in trust for the Iraqi people, to benefit the Iraqi
people. That is a legal obligation that the occupying power
will have." Now let's just think about this for a moment.
For all the people who think that an invasion of Iraq will
be a nice quick in-and-out like the Gulf War ten years ago,
consider: we're going to attempt to invade and occupy a country,
control its natural resources, and hand those resources back
to the rightful owners - a bit at a time, providing they play
nice - and we'll make sure to siphon off our share to pay
for all the bombs we just dropped, of course. And they think
that this sort of behavior will reduce resentment against
America? They think it will reduce the possibility
of terrorist attacks on America or Americans around the globe?
Absolutely insane.
 George
W. Bush
Don't
worry though, our great leader George W. Bush is on the case.
Bush last week appointed
a man named Tucker Eskew to head the brand spanking new White
House Office of Global Communications. The new office is supposed
to improve America's image around the world, presumably by
putting out banal propaganda-style press releases which echo
the words of Eskew: "the truth about the compassion of the
American people is often lost." Indeed, indeed. And I'm sure
that if we're occupying half the Middle East, Osama bin Laden's
fanatical followers will be paying such rapt attention to
the outpourings of the Office of Global Communications that
they'll completely forget to commit any massive terrorist
attacks against us.
 John
Snow
And now onto important domestic issues. It was revealed
last week that John Snow, the man nominated by George W. Bush
to become the new treasury secretary, was once arrested for
drunk-driving, and that he refused to pay child support to
his ex-wife over a 19 month period. I guess the DUI charge
is forgivable, since both the current president and
vice-president of the United States have been arrested multiple
times for the same offense (and obviously we should all
look to our great leaders as role models) - but should the
next treasury secretary really be a deadbeat dad too? I mean,
this is a guy worth literally millions of dollars -
but he can't pay his child support? I've got three little
words for you, folks: Republican. Family. Values.
 Jerry
Thacker
Jerry
Thacker is a Pennsylvania marketing consultant with a sad
story - he contracted HIV after his wife was infected during
a blood transfusion. Of course, being HIV+ would seemingly
make him a perfect candidate to serve on the Presidential
Advisory Commission on HIV and AIDS, which is why he was nominated
by the Bush administration last week. But if the Bush administration
had actually bothered to research their nominee they would
have found out that he is a raging homophobe who has been
described by the Human Rights Campaign as "an extremist
ideologue." See, Thacker is a a former Bob Jones University
employee who has called AIDS the "gay plague," described
homosexuality as a "deathstyle," and insisted that "Christ
can rescue the homosexual." Even Carl Schmid, a Republican
gay activist who worked on President Bush's 2000 campaign,
said last week that Jerry Thacker has a "radical agenda."
Actually, thinking about it, it sounds like the Bush administration
probably did fully research him, doesn't it? The good
news is that the nomination crashed and burned last week after
the administration realized
that people had actually noticed that Thacker was a
scumbag.
 The
U.S. Senate
Take
a deep breath. If you think the air is a little too clean
right now, then the newly-Republican U.S. Senate has got great
news! On a 50-46 vote, the Senate voted
against a Democratic-sponsored effort to delay a Bush Administration
initiative to relax enforcement of industrial clean air rules.
The Democrats wanted six months so scientists could study
the potential effects of the Bush policy on public health.
Seems like a reasonable approach. After all, we wouldn't want
to undo years of progress on clean air and put the health
of the American people at risk. But to conservatives in the
US Senate, it seems that the health of the American people
isn't worth six months... Not when there are government favors
to hand out to your buddies in the Oil and Gas industry!
 The
Republican Party
Always
assumed that conservatives need to get someone else do their
thinking for them? Then read on... It was revealed last week
that the Republican Party website was offering its "team
leaders" (incidentally, our very own Bob
Boudelang is a Republican team leader) a pre-written email
commending George W. Bush on his economic leadership - which
is pretty funny in itself. And it didn't take long for someone
to catch
them at it. Online magazine The Inquirer noticed that
if you typed the words "demonstrating genuine leadership"
into the Google search engine, this pre-written email could
be found printed on letters-to-the-editor pages in newspapers
all across the country - and indeed across the world. The
letters were almost all identical, and all signed
by different people. A phony grassroots campaign devised by
a phony political party. So just in case you needed any more
proof that conservatives will happily do whatever their masters
tell them (as long as it doesn't involve any original thought
on their own part) - there you go.
 George
W. Bush
And here's the latest example of George W. Bush "demonstrating
genuine leadership" when it comes to the economy. Last
week the Cincinnati Enquirer reported
that in Ohio "Some 30,000 low-income parents, many of
them single working mothers, must lose their medical benefits...
And 800,000 poor and disabled Ohioans must lose coverage for
visits to dentists, eye doctors, psychologists, chiropractors
and podiatrists." So much for leaving no child behind.
And the Republicans accuse us of class warfare? Considering
George W. Bush's bloated war budget and his proposal for yet
another round of tax cuts for the super-rich, it's starting
to look like his top priority is eliminating America's working
class.
Karl
Forester
Step aside Chief Justice Roy Moore! There's a new judicial
idiot in town, and he's one up on you. Readers of the Top
Ten will remember Roy Moore as the judge who installed an
enormous granite monument to the Ten Commandments in his courthouse
(see Idiots
30) and was subsequently ordered to have it removed (see
Idiots
92). If Roy Moore had really wanted to keep his statue,
he should have gotten in touch with Judge Karl Forester for
some tips on how to keep religion out of government. You see,
Forester recently dismissed an ACLU lawsuit which demanded
the Ten Commandments be removed from a county courthouse on
the grounds that "he saw no evidence of a religious purpose,"
according
to the Associated Press. Pretty clever, huh? I guess when
God appeared in a thundercloud and told Moses to climb up
Mount Sinai to collect two holy stone tablets containing a
big list of things that everyone had to do or else they'd
go to Hell, it was purely for secular purposes.
 Matt
Drudge
And
finally, it's two in a row for Internet poop-thrower Matt
Drudge, who appeared on last week's chart for splashing all
over his home page the exciting and pertinent news that it's
been five years since he broke the Monica Lewinsky story.
Yes Matt, we get it. Five years ago you broke a story. Well
done. But we think that Mr. Drudge may have outdone himself
this week by posting a breaking story that will surely eclipse
the Lewinsky scandal. Yes folks - this is big, and once again
Drudge was there first. So what's the story? Hold on to your
hats, it's a monster! If you can believe it, Matt has outscooped
the major networks yet again with the news that presidential
candidate Sen. John Edwards was spotted on TV last week chewing
gum. Stop the presses! Since hearing this shocker, we've
come to the conclusion that Edwards should probably give up
on the presidency altogether. His chances are surely ruined
now that he's been caught chewing gum on television. Congratulations,
Mr. Drudge. You've really outdone yourself this
time.
Idiots
At Large
Ex-GOP
official indicted in Virginia... Rumsfeld
makes "Old Europe" gaffe... State Rep. John
Graham Altman of South Carolina wants "Choose Death"
license plates... Lou
Dobbs's wife arrested at airport... Janet
Rehnquist under investigation... Bush
quotes "class warfare" (again)... and Tricia
Lott feels effects of hubby's blunder. See you next week!
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a Conservative for Next Week's List
(NOTE:
We fixed the bug.)
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