I think I should share my story (in the spirit of the season of love)
Hello DU,
I'm a longtime member but kind of retired from actively posting here. I've experienced some life events in which I came to reflect on DU and what it did and does for me. Here goes.
A couple of years ago, while I was mostly at home and on disability because of bipolar disorder type II, I was very sad. Here I was, after trying to work as an engineer, failing repeatedly because of inadequate stress response (fleeing behavior), having found out that I could not even stay working with a firm I had first been a super-volunteer for. It aimed to be a cooperative bank, so you see my Occupy spirit wasn't far. I understood that I had to tackle my behavior (again) because I wouldn't accomplish anything requiring prolonged effort otherwise.
So I saw a psychologist specialized in behavioral therapy and we worked to define the problem and counter it. This involves me understanding the basic mechanism: fear -> avoidance -> negative self-image, and also stepping out of my comfort zone. That comfort zone for someone who is almost always depressed is a place of isolation. I've never felt quite so alone as during the Bush* years and the invasion of Iraq. I would have gone literally crazy if it wasn't for DU, back then. The fact that IN Bush*'s America, DU existed, made me hopeful.
In this process of changing behavior, I also start to listen to music again. And something weird happens. Something deep in me stirs when particular songs trigger me. Songs about freedom, about or by strong women, and about nomads. One day for no reason I can remember, I shop for high heels in a 9 1/2 size. And something peculiar happens again: I'm not too ashamed or fearful to tell my wife. On a side note: It's only because my wife and I had some great marriage counseling that we finally learned to speak from "inner child" to "inner child", or from vulnerable soul to vulnerable soul. Anyway, our sex life changes for the good in a big way.
I do not know nor care what exactly I'm to be called. I feel like a man and/or a woman at the same time. I've put "fluid" on my Twitter profile. I think without reading DU and the progress of non-binary and transgender people like Danica Roem, I would not have dared to come forward and speak up.
In this process, I've started to sing. Now I want to be on a stage and want to play with stage personas. I go and tell my parents. They react negatively, my mom very strongly so. I wither the storm, helped by a call from my wife. And now, finally, 3 years after the first major conflict with my father, the bond with my mother is normalized / cut to an appropriate degree. These conflicts have to happen for the identity to be fully formed.
So, hello again DU. I'm 44 and just out of puberty. And I could not have done it without you, I think.
Thank you, and may the spirits be with you.
= new reply since forum marked as read
though I must say the road is still very long, I've lost the burden (of guilt) that was dragging me down and I'm on the move.
May your wishes come true in 2018.
was most likely not, personally, one from DU who helped, but your letter makes me smile and I am pleased
are helping now. My skin is still too thin and my confidence wobbly.
And since you've been around, you're part of the DU I thank. Some posters always carry the torch so to speak, but it's for example in little warm welcomes to new members, by whoever is on, that do the trick. Did you ever do that? 
I pictured you sitting down and getting ready to write this OP. Imagined you going... "Well....... here goes!!!!
My biggest smile came while reading about your relationship with your wife. What an amazing gift.
I would never ever have gotten here without her. She has, for a large part almost literally, carried me for 27 years. My initial traumatic experience was just before we met. It's really such an improbable love tale that I feel like I can't leave it untold.
You see, in the process she started to work extra hard and even started a small side business so that we could keep living the way we did, even if I was on disability, which divided my share of the income by three. She carried me well past her own borders - making herself feeling very bad about missing time with our 2 children. I on the other hand compensated for my perceived inadequacy by taking all care for the kids and practicalities around the house out of her hands. That left us both very estranged and unhappy, but...we did it out of love. It looks like now we're moving to a new stable equilibrium - no longer that of two people high up on a tightrope, each leaning far out to one side.
She is my Ankh and I am her fire now. We'll finally dance like we were supposed. In the most emotional moment, where I kind of said "I need to break free", including of her, she said she welcomed the new me anyway. How strong is she? A Mother Elephant.
Side note: this has also left me with a very strong feeling towards the fate of so many women: your head full with a daily todo list, and getting little respect or reward for household work. Women then also have to work like men, be super-moms, übersexy all the time and have quality me-time too. There's not enough hours. I now tell my wife some hair on her legs really is of no concern to me at all. And we both tell ourselves being "good enough" parents is, well, good enough
you too..
my dad came out. It explained a lot to us (his kids), was a tremendous relief for him and -- for the next decades (till his death) -- he had a rich, full life.
I wish the same for you.
It sure is a relief for me already, and I think for my dad especially it will be as well, in the end. He has been agonizing about what he did wrong with me, as a father. For my mom, it's the good old "what will other people say" that is in play. I don't care all that much, but I will not knowingly unnecessarily startle her or others.
because there's so much grief, pain and yes, anger, to be healed. But I know the way, or enough of it. One step at a time.
The hardest part is looking at my children's eyes and knowing what could have been, much sooner. They have inherited my sensitivity and I have been so far from ideal. What happens with your SO is, well, significant. The way my being has affected my children is almost impossible to bear. I have been making up at lightning speed. Which is why I should get to bed, so I can be Holidad tomorrow.
I didn't watch your Voice or the one over here. I've been sucked up by facts & news for ages, think I might bite off a larger Slice of actual life now
I'm really only in the beginning of learning about music. But there's no denying what it does and always has done for me. Leonard Cohen!
Sometimes, I can get too caught up in things; I've recently found classical music does wonders for that.
Interesting you mention air fresheners, I actually hate them but they are here. I should talk to my wife about that...
Where could one read your book reviews?
he is the lead singer - and what a voice! Talk about something joyful!!!
My book reviews are in a magazine called Townsend Letter: The Examiner of Medical Alternatives. (www.townsendletter.com)
It’s in psychoanalysis, and we study and train students about human development and how to treat in an integrated way, i. e. not just the “illness” but the difficulty with living a happy life, including all the things that make a person who they are.
We’ve been working hard to establish gender fluidity as a norm, both in our students and faculty and in helping us learn to teach practitioners not to “cure” people but to help them be happy and to understand themselves and one another across a spectrum of self-determinations about identity. It’s exciting and sobering. So many people have been forced to live in ways that don’t reflect who they are for so long. All y’all who are bravely moving forward are our best teachers, and I’m here to say thanks.
to my wife, when explaining I had made the OP out of a (grateful) feeling that the US is years and years ahead of Belgium when it comes to theses matters. Thanks, nolabear.
Three women have been crucial in bringing me to where I am, and all three think of a person as one whole being where everything is related. They are my wife, the therapist and the marriage counselor. She saw a life project and got it :-/
I wish you and your family all the best!
that feeling of shame about who you are and what you want. From your post I can gather that what you want is not evil nor intended to harm others in any way. The greatest freedom is to be what and who you are without unfair criticism or personal attacks.
Life is about the journey, not necessarily about the destination. It sounds like you and your wife have entered an interesting leg of your life journey.
Best wishes and luck to you both.
the destination we shape together through collective vision.
"It's a dangerous business, stepping out your door. Once you set one step out, there's no telling where your feet might swipe you off to."
Thanks for your wishes!
