John Bolton Warns War With North Korea Wont Be Cakewalk Like Iraq

[geardaddy]

https://politics.theonion.com/john-bolton-warns-war-with-north-korea-won-t-be-cakewal-1824031861

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging that total war with a personality cult ruled by a nuclear-capable despot will be a harrowing commitment posing many unique challenges, newly appointed National Security Advisor John Bolton promised the American public Friday that the upcoming war with North Korea certainly won’t be a cakewalk like Iraq. “You have to admit, things in Iraq were pretty cut-and-dried—we went in there, we deposed the leader, we installed our own government, we never even had to think about the long-term consequences, and certainly no hordes of soldiers were forced to fight the tens of thousands of American teens we’re going to throw at them in great, meat-grinding, human-wave attacks like we’re about to see in North Korea,” said Bolton, who noted that as one of the architects of the “ultimately painless and remarkably successful” 2003 Iraq invasion, he knew what he was talking about when it came to planning a massive land campaign in Asia. “It’s a good thing we have regional, expendable allies, because after the first 90 minutes of this war, somewhere around 2 million South Koreans are going to be a thin layer of greasy soot in the stratosphere, if my plan goes correctly. Then we simply commit an entire generation of young Americans to dying in numbers so great that they will permanently change the geography of the Korean peninsula. As will North Korea’s nukes and our fission weapons, of course. Believe me, this war is going to be an absolute mess.” Bolton also warned that further delays in mobilizing for war with North Korea would inevitably push back the start of the U.S.’s upcoming war with Iran.

Please note, this is from The Onion, but it almost reads true.

[blake2012]

1. Iraq was a cakewalk? What a fucktard

[geardaddy]

2. It's The Onion

[Javaman]

4. hard to tell these days. nt

[blake2012]

6. They got me. First time in 20 years of reading them

Lol

[brush]

15. I'm not sure what the purpose of "The Onion" and "The Borowitz Report" are. The funny, gotcha...

thing isn't funny anymore.

Things are dead serious now with trump and Putin hijacking our government.

[riversedge]

3. Almost sounds like Bolton. damn

[tazkcmo]

5. A cake walk for him

As all wars are for GOPee chicken hawks. For over a million Iraqis and thousands of our citizens, it was a cake burial. Fucking ass hat.


On Edit: I got "Onion rolled" but Bolton IS an ass hat.

[backtoblue]

7. Dammit onion!

Satire is harder to spot nowadays.

[Blue_true]

27. Yeah. I nearly crapped my pants also. nt

[genxlib]

8. Alright, you got me

It's the "THE ONION" .

Man I was boiling about half way through before I realized something was amiss.

[Demsrule86]

9. He calls Iraq a success...the entire middle east is in flames because of it...that guy

is a fucking idiot. But back in the day when it was his turn, he would go. He didn't want to die in the Asia...well I don't want to be nuke you POS.

Edit...it is not far from the truth he told Tucker Carlson that Iraq was a success when Carlson called Iraq a mistake...someone had a clip maybe Rachel? Don't remember.

[Oneironaut]

10. This 100% true story absolutely cannot be from the Onion.

[kimbutgar]

11. Somehow I dont think other countries will stand by and let us go to war with North Korea

Just got back from Europe and all the people I talked to over there think twitler is nuts and they know longer look to America as an sane country. The world will fight back twilter and Bolton.

[sarcasmo]

12. 15 years is a cakewalk?

[FarCenter]

13. Mr President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed...

[geardaddy]

14. Spot on!

[gopiscrap]

16. Uh John, we didn't win in Iraq

you might want to check your history

[TreasonousBastard]

17. Got me, too. How nuts is it that we think this is real...

(It isn't real, is it?)

[DFW]

18. My first reaction was "this can't be serious"

My second reaction was, "wait, it's Bolton, so maybe it IS serious."

I'm relieved to hear it was a joke, but Bolton is nuts enough to believe he really said it.

[SoCalMusicLover]

19. In The Onion One Week

Official White House Policy the next.

[pansypoo53219]

20. the 2nd bolton onion piece was good as well.

[MiniMe]

21. And there are still soldiers in Iraq dimwit

[kentuck]

22. This is your warning: He's ready for war with North Korea.

Somebody needs to ask him a few questions...

[ck4829]

23. One of the few times the parody paints a picture of how it should be, you know the REAL Bolton A.

Didn't learn a single dang thing from the Iraq War and B. thinks Operation Nuke Korea will be a piece of cake.

[geardaddy]

24. Yep.

The Onion is becoming a trusted news source.

[kentuck]

26. I thought it was real !

I didn't even notice that it was the Onion. Sounded real to me.

[JustABozoOnThisBus]

25. Last time we visited the Chosin Reservoir, we were ill-equipped.

We had no augers or fishing gear for ice fishing, we had no snowmobiles or ice skates, no hockey pucks.

This time will be different, the visit will be a more positive experience.