Just a joke to relieve some tension

[BSdetect]

Just had to share a little Irish laughter!


John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
Life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the local pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and said to his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast
Of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what exactly was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
Me wife."

"Oh, that is so very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on a street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
Night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She responded, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know,
he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him
By the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[PJMcK]

1. Okay, you started this

I met a young blonde with blue eyes.
She also had beautiful thighs.
Her breasts were well-kept,
Just like you'd expect,
But her penis was quite a surprise.

[Victor_c3]

10. I'm going to have to remember that

It is certainly worth repeating amongst the circle of dysfunctional veterans I associate with...

[Volaris]

19. Lol...

[fantase56]

2. thanks for making me laugh!!

[N_E_1 for Tennis]

3. And to add another...

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in New York to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how wasa da treepa?"

Luigi said, "Everytinga was a perfecto except for da traina ride down."

"Whata you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.

"Well, we boarda da train at Grand Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food. She brought vino, some nice a cigars for me and we were lookin a forward to da trip. Everytinga wasa okey dokey until we getta hungry and open upa da luncha basket. The conductore come a by, waga his finger at us and a say, "No eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car."

"So, me and a my beautiful Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a bigga luncha and start to open a bottle of nicea vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say, No drinka in disa car. Musta use a club car."

"So we go to club car. While drinking vino, I start to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, No smokina disa car. Must go to smokina car."

"We go to smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go boomada boomada and the Conductore, he walka through da hall shouting at da top of his voice, Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!"

Luigi sighed. "Next time, I'm a gonna take a da bus."

[ChiTownDenny]

11. + 1

LOLOL!

[ProfessorGAC]

14. The Dialect Reminded Me Of My Family!

Well, they weren't that bad, but pretty affected accents.

[malaise]

20. ROFL

[jpak]

40. Norfolk High's sports rally chant

"We don't smoke!"

We don't drink!"

"Norfolk!"

"Norfolk"

[DavidDvorkin]

41. Very funny, but it must be an old joke

Because the train stuff.

[TlalocW]

4. In a small Irish town

Two Irishmen were working on filling potholes close by to the town's house of ill-repute. As they worked, they noticed the town's only protestant minister, his collar up, walk furtively up to the door and go in.
"Ach," said one, "Is it any wonder the youth of today be like they are when men o' the cloth behave such?"
"Tis true, tis, true," replied the other.
They continued working, and a while later, the town's only Jewish rabbi came around the corner, and snuck in the door.
"Tis a shame to see what the world is in such a state right here in our small town," said one.
"Woe upon us all," replied the other.
Finally, as they were finishing up, the head priest of the town's Catholic church, strolled slowly by, pretending to look at the clouds before reaching the door and going in.
"Oh, faith and begorra, what a shame it is!" exclaimed one.
"Oh, heavens, it is!" replied the other.
"One of the dears must be dying and asked for last rites," said the first.
"The poor lass!" replied the other.

TlalocW

[ChiTownDenny]

12. HA!

[Lurker Deluxe]

5. why not

I am generally not a fan of anal bleaching.

But.

I do know a few asshole who need to lighted up.

[The Polack MSgt]

8. Heh

[TlalocW]

6. Jose was visiting relatives in America

And was walking around their neighborhood when he got thirsty. He saw a Coke machine and went and put in 50 cents and pushed the button to get a Coke.
However, the Coke cost 60 cents so the machine's screen flashed, "Dime," at him.
Feeling embarrassed, Jose looked left and right then back at the machine and in a low voice said, "Dame una Coca-Cola, por favor."

Translation/Explanation: This is my favorite cross-cultural joke because there's no malice in it, simply a wonderful coincidence.

Dime, in Spanish is said dee-may and means tell me, making Jose think he has to vocally order it by saying, "Give me a Coca-Cola, please."

A similar one involves Maria (Jose's wife, of course) going to JC Penney's because Jose needs some nice new socks. She's having problems finding them, so a employee who doesn't speak Spanish guides her around the store, showing her suits, underwear, casual clothes, etc. each time Maria shakes her head no at. Finally, he shows her dress socks, and she exclaims, "Eso si que es!" (Essentially, "That, yes that's it!) The frustrated employee looks at her and asks, "If you can spell it, why can't you say it?"

TlalocW

[PJMcK]

17. Here's another. Warning: This one is way out there!

A guy comes home from work early and he and his wife start making out. After they've retreated to their bedroom, the door suddenly opens and standing there is their teenaged son.

The father is terribly embarrassed and responds by laughing, "Ha ha ha! Get out of here. Ha ha ha! Leave us alone! Ha ha ha! Just close the door! Ha ha ha!"

The kid closes the door and the couple finished their business.

At dinner that night, no one mentions the unfortunate interruption and the father feels relief that he dodged a bullet.

About a week later, the guy comes home from work early only to find his son going at it on the living room sofa with his grandmother.

The father is furious! "Get off of her you freak! What the hell do you think you're doing!"

The kid looks up slyly and says, "It ain't so funny when it's your mother, is it?"

[nykym]

7. Okay this one is meant for a card

Outside: Ninety-Nine of my friends have hemorrhoids.
The other 1% are just like you...
Inside: Perfect assholes.

[forgotmylogin]

9. I enjoyed watching the Spanish stations when I lived in Miami.

There was one comedy show which had a recurring sketch in an English as Second Language class:

TEACHER: Como se dice en Ingles, "amarillo"?

STUDENTS: (in unison with horrible American accents) Ay-muh-REE-low!

[ChiTownDenny]

13. LOL.

Excellent!

[sarge43]

15. OK, it's that sort of afternoon

Booger Sanborne decided it was time for his son, Jake, to learn about the practical aspects of human reproduction. So he informs Jake, but tells him he needs some experience first.

"Jake, my daddy had me go into the woods, find a tree with the right size knot hole and practice first. That's what I want you to do. Understand?"

"Sure, Pa. I'll do that."

A few hours later Jake comes back, tells his father he has the hang of it and he's ready.

They head on over to Miss Millie's Pro Shop and Booger explains the situation. Millie says she has just the girl for Jake, Sally.

When they get upstairs, Jake asks Sally to bend over. She shrugs and does. Then, Jake gives her a solid kick in the butt.

"What the hell, kid!"

"I had to check for bees first, ma'am."

[eleny]

16. Did you hear the one about the bedbug that gave birth in the spring?

Ba-rump-bump.

[bullsnarfle]

18. As Mary walked into the church

she encountered the priest, Father Flanagan, who said "Ah Mary, so good to see you dear. And where is your husband Michael this fine day?"

To which Mary replied "I'm sorry to tell you Father, Michael has passed on".

The priest was stunned. Michael was known to drink more than was average, and to chat up young women a bit too fondly, but still..."Oh my! He was so young, it must have been terribly sudden!".

"Yes, Father, it was".

"I'll say a prayer for his soul...tell me, did he have any last words?"

"Yes he did, Father. He said "Mary, put down that damn gun!".

[cab67]

26. When my time comes,

I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully asleep.

Not crying out in terror like his passengers.

[smirkymonkey]

21. What's Irish and stays out all night?

.
.
.
.
.
"Paddy O'Furniture"!

(Patio furniture)

[FakeNoose]

22. This one is visual :-)

[uponit7771]

37. +1

[FailureToCommunicate]

23. From the English town of Devizes...

There was a young man from Devizes
Whose balls where of different sizes.
One ball was small, almost no ball at all,
But the other was large, and won prizes!

[GetRidOfThem]

24. I've got one...

So this young woman marries this much older guy. She really loves him, but she can't see the stars when they get together and do it. An in Judaism the woman has the right to fully see the stars.

So they go to the Rabbi and ask him for advice. He suggests:
"Next time you do it together, have a young handsome man without clothes wave a towel over you guys."

So they try this, and a younger guy is waving the towel, but nothing happens.

Frustrated for her agony, the guys swap places., with the old guy waving the towel. And she sees the stars!

Says the old guy to the young guy: "That's the way you wave a towel!"

[cab67]

25. an elderly gentleman was growing concerned about his wife's hearing.

So he came up behind her. About 10 feet away, he asked, "Can you hear me, honey?"

No response.

He walked a bit closer. "Can you hear me?

No response.

He walked right up to her back and shouted, "Can you hear me now?"

"For the third time, yes!"

[Whiskeytide]

30. An elderly gentleman ...

... went for his annual physical. When the doctor asked how he was doing, he said “well, it’s the strangest thing, doc. I have a lot of gas, but it’s always silent, and it never smells”.

The doctor gave him a medication. He returned a week later and said “well, doc. I still have the gas, but now it rips out of me with a thunderous noise. Still no smell at least”.

The doctor gave him another medication. He comes back in a week and says “damn, doc. Now I fart loud AND it smells up the room. What the Hell did you give me?”

The doc says “the first medication was to clear up your hearing, and the second was to clear up your sinuses”.

[red dog 1]

27. Kick

Good one!

[red dog 1]

28. An Oly joke

Oly tells his friend, "I think my wife died!"
His friend replies: "What do you mean you THINK she died?"
Oly: "Well, the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up!"

[red dog 1]

29. Receptionist goes into psychiatrist's office and says:

"Doctor, there's a patient out there who claims that he's invisible!"

Doctor: "Tell him I can't see him right now!"

[Whiskeytide]

31. An elderly widower in his 70s tells his friends ...

... that he’s going to get married in a week. The friends are stunned. They didn’t even know he was dating anyone.

The first friend said “Henry, I’m surprised. Getting married at your age. She must be loaded with cash, I guess”. Henry says “nope, she doesn’t have a pot to pee in”.

The second friend says “well, she must be a great cook”. Henry says “nope. Can’t make toast without burning it”.

The third friend says “well then, she must be wild in the sack. Is that it?” Henry says “I wouldn’t know. I can’t say as we’ve ever even held hands”.

The friends just look at him and finally one says “then what the Hell are you marrying her for”? And Henry says “because she can see to drive at night”.

[titaniumsalute]

32. Definitions

What's the definition of kinky: Using a feather during sex.

What's the definition of perverted: Using the whole chicken.

[N_E_1 for Tennis]

33. Ok, one more...

These japes are some of the best I’ve heard in a while we should move this to the humor section.




Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they

were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!"

Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?"

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed.

Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?"

Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?"

Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?"

Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often."

Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting."

Ole asked, "Vat's dat?"

Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?"

Ole stopped to think. "No "

"Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa

[jmowreader]

35. Okay, okay...

Joe's wife went to him and said, "It's time you taught our 13-year-old son Sam about sex. But be gentle about it. Tell him about the birds and the bees first."

Joe goes to Sam.

"Sam, do you remember the six girls you slept with last weekend?"

"Yes, dad."

"And do you remember the seven girls you had the weekend before that?"

"Yes, dad."

"Well, your mom says birds and bees do that too."

[nolabear]

36. Okay fine...

At age 99, Grandpa dies. At the viewing (Good Southern family) people file by and murmur their condolences to Grandma, who at 97 herself is holding up pretty well.

Eventually someone gets around to asking her what was the secret to their long and happy marriage.

“Well,” she says, “we loved one another and had a wonderful family, but I think the best thing was the sex. Even when it got kind of difficult these last years, every Sunday morning we’d wake to the sound of the church bells ringing, and we’d make love. Even this last Sunday we did. There was nothing like that slow rhythm of those bells. If only that ice cream truck hadn’t come by...”

[dae]

38. LOL, saved!

Thanks

[trof]

39. Jack and Charlie were watching a Red Sox game on TV.

Their wives were in the kitchen, chatting and putting together some snacks.
Jack said "We went to the best damn German restaurant last week. The schnitzel was fantastic."
"What's the name of it?"
"It's...aw jeez. Wait a minute...damn. OK, what's the name of that red flower? It smells good? Has thorns?"
"Rose?"
"That's it! ROSE! What's the name of that German restaurant we went to?"

[trof]

42. I killed the thread? Damn.

Sorry.