The Onion is at it again
In Response To Michael Cohen, ‘The Onion’ Pledges To Remove All Negative Trump Coverage In Exchange For A Direct Line To The President
The Onion, in recent days, has attempted to contend with a serious legal threat issued in 2013 by the president’s personal attorney. In exchange for removing an offending piece written by Mr. Trump, titled “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years,” our publication hoped for a speedy resolution to what could otherwise be a prolonged and costly legal battle. Shortly thereafter, however, our editorial board was shaken to its core by Mr. Cohen’s response issued on social media—a shrewd legal riposte, almost Machiavellian in its audacity. We now understand that Mr. Cohen is playing hardball, and our editorial board has correspondingly voted to up the ante, so to speak.
As such, we now formally offer to remove the complete archive of The Onion’s reporting on Donald Trump, spanning hundreds of articles that stretch back to the late ’90s, so long as Mr. Cohen can pledge to provide us with a direct line to the president.
Just say the word, Mr. Cohen, and all of these articles will vanish without delay. All you need to do is provide our editorial staff with the president’s phone number and a promise that he will be available at any time of the day or night to address our concerns. Imagine, for a moment, the benefits you and your client will reap: No longer will Mr. Trump need to contend with the embarrassment of readers learning about his proclivities in articles such as “Donald Trump Forlornly Stares At Tiny Penis In Mirror.” Such accounts—fully sourced though they may be—will disappear from our archives immediately if you hold up your end of the deal. Should curious minds ever inquire about the pieces, we would emphatically deny their very existence.
To be clear, our newsroom stands behind the sterling reportage in each and every one of these stories. Whether it is the insider accounts utilized for the vivid profile in “Crowd Shocked After Unhinged Trump Dangles Baby From Truman Balcony” or the expert witnesses used in 2011 to corroborate the narrative in “Trump Unable To Produce Certificate Proving He’s Not A Festering Pile Of Shit,” these news stories fully complied with the strenuous editorial standard that only America’s Finest News Source can claim to uphold.
https://www.theonion.com/in-response-to-michael-cohen-the-onion-pledges-to-re-1826240139
= new reply since forum marked as read
LOL that is great.
