I am the father of a college student who was sexually assaulted in 2014

[scheming daemons]

My daughter had just transferred to Penn State main campus in the fall of 2014 for her junior year. She went to a frat party her first weekend at school with 2 roommates.

She drank too much. At some point, she and her roommates split up and she found herself alone on the couch in the living room of the frat house. She was too inebriated to think straight. A young man told her he would walk her back to her apartment. Instead, he took her back to his and raped her. She got out of the apartment and managed to stumble back to her own.

In the morning, she had incomplete memories of what happened to her, and was too ashamed to tell anyone. She did not know the boy who did it, and in any case, she blamed herself. She was too embarrassed to tell me or her mom.

This girl, who was a straight A student in high school and her first two years in college, fell into a deep depression and starting staying in her apartment at all hours and skipping class. Finally, in November, her roommate called my wife and this is the gist of the conversation:

"Mrs. ******, we only met once. I'm your daughter's roommate. I am really concerned about her. She hasn't left the apartment in weeks, she just curls up in a ball on her bed and she hardly eats or drinks."

For months, when we would call our daughter, she would say she was doing well and everything was ok. This came as a complete shock to us.

We dropped everything and drove out to Penn State. When we got there, we found our daughter in a state where she weighed about 90 pounds (she normally was around 110) and almost zombie-like. We brought her home and got her medical attention and took her to a psychologist right away. She wouldn't tell anyone what had happened, not even the psychologist, for weeks. Finally, as she started to regain her physical health, she broke down and told us what happened.

We pleaded with her to let us contact PSU and the authorities and tell them what happened. She refused. She said she couldn't even remember what apartment building it happened in or who the attacker was. She adamantly refused to let us contact authorities. She said she just wanted to forget it ever happened and move on.

As a father, I was heartbroken and enraged. I wanted to, and STILL want to, find the son of a bitch who did it and beat him to a pulp. At the worst moments, I don't care if it would put me into legal jeopardy. What makes me angriest is the helplessness of not being able to do something about it. But that pales in comparison to the helplessness that my daughter has felt.

She has gotten her life back into some semblance of order in the past 3 years.... she is back in school at a small local college completing her degree. She'll be 25 when she graduates - this whole thing stole 3 years from her life, in addition to everything else it took from her.

My once bright-eyed optimistic girl... the pride of my life... is now a chastened and still-broken woman. She doesn't smile like she used to. She doesn't trust like she used to. I'm not sure she'll ever be completely whole.

At night sometimes, I still hear my wife sobbing in bed next to me.


So.... Mr. Dotard President....

....when you talk about what Dr. Ford's "loving" parents should or should not have done, you are insulting me (and countless others) in the worst way imaginable. Lots of loving parents would gladly take a bullet for their kids, but they don't always know what happened until it is too late.

In your abject ignorance... your complete inability to feel empathy because of your sociopathic lizard brain... you don't even realize how many millions of people you angered with your tweets this morning. And guess what? A good percentage of those people probably voted for you. So keep it up, asshole. November is coming.

[grantcart]

1. Thanks for sharing this difficult experience

[busterbrown]

54. What an impact this piece....

would make if it was read at the upcoming hearing..

It makes it rather simple to understand the damage and horror of a such an attack! And in many ways is quite similar to Blasey Ford's experience!

[scheming daemons]

55. My parents (my daughters grandparents) do not know the whole story.

...and my daughter does not want them to know.

If this were read publicly, they would know based on the dates and school I listed that it is about her. This would devastate my daughter.

So no.... I don't want this read publicly. My parents don't read DU, and don't really utilitize the internet at all.

[busterbrown]

58. Got It... Thanks for the piece.

It actually helps understanding the pain and suffering in a whole diff. manner..

It actually enveloped me to the point that I feel an incredible amount of hate towards the attacker..and feel a part of your family.. I wish I could do something for you and your daughter

I know that I'll feel the same way when we hear from Blasey Ford' next week..

[Zoonart]

2. Great letter.

Winter is coming for these bastards.

[Solly Mack]

3. She's not alone. Please let her know that.

She'll feel that way, even with her family all around her. But she's not alone.

[OneGrassRoot]

4. K & R. Thank you n/t

[ismnotwasm]

5. Wow

This is incredibly heartbreaking and so moving. Your poor baby. I hope she finds complete healing. I understand it’s a difficult road, it sounds like so has all the support she needs right there in wonderful parents to make it.

[malaise]

6. This is a very important post

Sad but important.

[dalton99a]

7. Thank you for your post.

Yes, the day of reckoning is coming!

[fleur-de-lisa]

8. Heartbreaking.

[Tom Rinaldo]

9. A horrible story so movingly told

She has love in her life from her parents and no doubt others. That bodes well for her continued recovery. She will bear scars from that night always, but in some ways she can also emerge stronger from it overall as anger replaces guilt and she further learns the strength of her own resolve. I am glad you all have each other.

[Stuart G]

10. Thank You for sharing this.

[whathehell]

11. Thanks for sharing your very moving account.

[dlk]

12. I'm So Sorry for What Your Daughter and Family Have Gone Through

Please accept my message of encouragement and support. It takes a long time but you will all get through this. I hope you are all continuing with therapy and/or support groups. It will help the healing process.

[scheming daemons]

13. I will say this....

....we are stronger as a family now than we've ever been. Our daughter had the emotional equivalent of a major car accident. The scars are not visible to the naked eye, that's the only difference.

Hopefully with time, those scars fade.

[Hav]

20. She isn't the only one with scars from the incident

Even if it's to a lesser extent, it always affects the whole family and friends as well. Don't forget that you need to heal yourself as well, as hard as it may be.

[world wide wally]

14. My daughter just graduated from college last April and I am so glad nothing like that

Ever happened to her but I can certainly empathize with you. Any fucking idiot (like the President) who supports the perpetrator is one himself. In Trump's case, he is a fucking serial predator.
Fuck you, deplorables that support him.

I'm glad your girl has at least turned a corner on this nightmare. Good luck to all your family.

[Hav]

15. A sad story that shows that it is part of the culture

And we only reinforce this culture with the message are we sending with the current President and probably the next Supreme Court Justice. It's a slap in the face for all victims. Not only did they not get punished, they get into positions of the highest power.

[True Blue American]

16. How awful for your daughter

My heart goes out to all of the family.

As for her attacker, Trump, Kavenaugh and all their supporters may they rot in hell for eternity.

[scheming daemons]

19. I'm sure, somewhere, this piece of shit was bragging about the encounter

For a while, I found myself scanning Penn State's "yik yak" (a social media app) just to see if anyone was bragging about something like this. It was almost an obsession. Took me a while to stop.

[True Blue American]

25. You do whatever

Makes you feel as if your Daughter is the important one.

I can share your anger because it is a form of loss. Just know that others here share both your anger and pain. We support you and your daughter.

Others will tell you it will make you both stronger. It will make you a surviver. If there is anything you can get involved in to help others, that is turning bad into good.

I have always tried to do that. It helps.

Just sharing helps,too.

[FakeNoose]

17. The hardest thing for a rape victim to understand and embrace

... is that's it's not her fault. She didn't cause this to happen, someone else did. Rape and assault victims (especially women) have been made to believe that they did something wrong and that's why they were assaulted.

Almost every campus in the US has a Rape Crisis Center, and their focus is on helping victims. I'm certain that Penn State main campus has one and maybe several such Centers. If your daughter had gone for help immediately it would have been beneficial. Not for reporting the crime, because in her case she wouldn't have had any identifying info. But she would have gotten immediate medical treatment and counselling to help her get through the ordeal.

It's not her fault! It's not her parents' fault either. Good luck to you and your family.

[nolabear]

18. K&R for your wonderful family.

You have the respect of anyone who is a sentient, feeling being.

[Mad-in-Mo]

21. I keep saying if those sanctimonious Republican senators --- and the Dotard --

had a daughter who had experienced an assault, they would be supportive of victims.

Thank you for sharing your sweet daughter's awful experience. She's lucky to have loving parents to help her on her road to recovery.

[True Blue American]

28. I honestly think Trump and those hateful old Republicans

Have no shame left.

But we can certainly shame them publicly. Drive them out the door.

[LuckyCharms]

22. I'm sorry for what your daughter and family are going through.

Thank you for sharing this.

[Luz]

23. I'm sure my dad would have felt the same had I ever told him.

But that's the problem. I never told. Your daughter is blessed to have you around, and you for having such a strong young woman for a daughter.

[scheming daemons]

27. It is never too late to tell him. Trust me, he will give you unconditional love and it WILL help.

[enough]

24. Thank you for writing this. This is a terrible dark reality of our society, and by bringing it

into the light you are doing a great service.

I am so sorry this happened to your daughter, your wife, and you. You all have great courage.

[redstatebluegirl]

26. K&R

[usaf-vet]

29. Well said Dad and Mom

Glad to hear your daughter is doing better.

[JohnnyLib2]

30. Thank you--

For the painfully straightforward real life story. May better times come to all of you.

[mythology]

31. Your story is powerful

But I would want to tell you that you not only aren't helpless, you've done the right thing in being there for your kid, supporting her as she recovers. For better and for worse we can't be protected from everything. But you were there as soon as you could be, and that matters.

I haven't been the victim of sexual assault, but in every time of need my biological dad failed to support me.

So make sure you don't just see your perceived failure. Make sure you see all the victories too. Not just your daughter graduating, but your own as well in helping her on the road to healing and on your own road to the same.

[scheming daemons]

34. Thank you.

I was in therapy myself for almost two years because I blamed myself. I felt I didn't prepare her or teach her well enough to take care of herself and avoid situations. I felt like she was naive and that it was my fault she was that way because I shielded her too much growing up.

It took me a while to get to the point where I didn't blame myself.

[brer cat]

84. That is the legacy of a rapist...

guilt and self-blame felt by all but the rapist himself. I'm glad that you and your daughter were able to get therapy to help you heal, although the love and support you gave your daughter was probably the best therapy she received.

Thank you for sharing this powerful essay with us. We can all learn and grow from your experience.

[olegramps]

32. Trump doesn't have a conscience, therefore he can not feel compassion.

This was the conclusion of the his ghost writer who spent days with him. I hope that people can come to the realization that Trump does not share a nature like the vast majority of people. His lack of conscience allows him to cheat people out of what he agreed to pay without a shred of remorse, for that requires an informed conscience. Perhaps it is the result of upbringing or a serious mental problem. I don't have the expertise to know the cause, but his actions confirm it. He can lie without hesitation and lie about the lie. How could this man who sexually abused women and even brag about it be elected president. The answer is simple.

A large segment of the population has been polarized by extreme right wing propaganda that they are bombarded with 24/7. They accept the propaganda that their situation is the fault of the liberals and are desperately looking for a deliverer that will magically turn back the clock to a time when people with a minimal education could enjoy a comfortable living. He is no different than the vast majority of Republicans who also used racism as a weapon which was inaugurated by Nixon's "Southern Strategy." Couple this with phony patriotism and religion as you can describe virtually ever Republican candidate for office ranging local and state to federal.

There is one and only one solution short of revolt; the ballot box. I look forward with hope and trepidation to the night of November 6.

[mchill]

33. Your story

Brings tears to my eyes. Why does it have to be told over and over again and some, even “grown up,” men never get it? I think the definition of Conservative must include never evolving, never learning, heartless, entrenched.

Good thoughts for your daughter. She is lucky to have you.

[scheming daemons]

35. I think men never really "get it" until it happens to someone they love.

[IronLionZion]

56. Men should watch The Rape of Richard Beck

The Rape of Richard Beck
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rape_of_Richard_Beck
"Richard Beck (Richard Crenna) is a police detective who believes that rape victims are "asking for it". When he himself is raped by two male suspects he comes to question that belief."

[G_j]

36. Thank you

A lot of people could really benefit from reading this.

[magicarpet]

37. Thank you for sharing this very personal life episode...

.... so we can better understand the dynamics in motion during deplorable conduct and behavior involving these criminal acts of alpha male "passion".

Rape can not be normalized or this toxic male behavior will contaminate the next two or three generations to follow and likely way beyond.

Again thank you for your bravery to share this perspective with us it serves to help outsiders a better understanding of how these events up root and introduce lasting injury, hurt, and turmoil to the victims and their loved ones as they all suffer the repercussions of such an ugly event.

May your precious daughter heal and be well and find some level of comfort beyond the memory of this horrendous event.

[Stonepounder]

38. All I can say is that if you ever find the asshole who did this to your daughter

and want some help beating him to a pulp, just let me know. And, by the way, you are a wonderful father and thankfully your daughter had a caring roommate who reached out to you.

[handmade34]

39. thank you for your story... I cry

for your daughter, you, me and all the others for whom sexual assault has affected so dramatically...

my sexual assault was much like Dr. Ford's and I never told anyone until yesterday (50 years later) when all this publicity caused me to share it with my partner... there is a bit of me that became cold and stoic over the years and I try hard to temper that... it never goes away

I learned many years ago not to hate because it does no one any good... but I have the past 2 years again learned to hate... to hate the men (some women) who allow sexual assault to continue, to hate Republicans for being dishonest, vile and cowardly in not being willing to stand up to #notmypresident and for allowing our Country to be diminished by this administration and what is being done to less fortunate people...

[Heartstrings]

40. Thank you for sharing your family's story....

And hug your daughter from all of us....

[pioche4]

41. I am so sorry for your brilliant shining daughter to have to go through this

This is a major concern for all parents of all children, both of daughters and sons (who can also have crimes again them committed), as they head off to college...I'm so very thankful her roommate finally called you before it was too late. I'm so very sorry she had to go through this and hope that she is not triggered too much by the news of our current week. I hope that she and your family feel the love and support that most rational people should extend to you, and that as you heal, those who have energy can stand up, give voice and action to MAKE THIS STOP.

I have felt enraged this week that 27 years after Anita Hill, our country finds itself in, another situation like this....and I am heartened that there is a contingent of pro-life voters who feel that any complaint of sexual misconduct needs to be dealt with honesty and integrity. It is a shame on our country that our president can not do the same. That the white republican men of the senate judiciary committee act with such malice and lust for power makes is beyond disgusting.

I hope that November 6th sets the record straight.

[Silver Gaia]

42. Thank you for telling us your story.

There's power in these words.

[marlakay]

43. What a horrible thing to go through for all of you

Last year I made a new friend and found out her 20 yr old daughter had just moved back in with them right when they were gearing up for retirement. I asked why she quit college and found out it was because she was raped, and it was in Portland they thought liberal safe place.

They encouraged her to testify and went to court with her, she said the whole thing was beyond awful for all of them. He got basically a slap on the wrist of a few months in jail.

Her daughter moved back home which was in CA in small city and ended up a manager at McDonalds and refused to go to college again. Can’t say I blame her. She is scared to death as he threatened her and is already out of jail.

Hearing these stories and rembering things from high school I never wanted to tell my parents because of fear, I wasn’t raped but was touched wrongly when I hitch hiked once and knew I would be in more trouble for doing that. I never told them.

[people]

44. The after effects of rape on victim and family . . .

Thank you for your post. The recovery from rape is very long and difficult. It is so important that you remember that your daughter is getting better. I hope she continues to receive therapy or counseling. I think the hardest thing about rape is the shame it imparts on the woman and the fear of men. There may be sexual assault victim groups in your area or at her school where she can share her experiences with others who have have been through similar experiences. It will take time, but your daughter will get much better. It is wonderful that you and your wife are completely there for her.

It makes me sick to watch these old guys, Dotard and the judicial committee republicans, saying that what Dr. Ford went through isn't a big deal and it makes me sick that they assume simply because Kavanaugh went to fancy schools and is a judge that his life and his pain are more important than hers. Your daughter will get better and is getting better. For her, the hardest thing is the self-blaming and shame - a terrible burden that women feel who have been victims of sexual assault. She will need a long time to have it sink in that she is not to blame -- that this jerky frat boy is the one who should be feeling shame. Your family and many, many others have gone and are going through this same thing.

[True Blue American]

48. Welcome o the board

I heard some of that, but as usual,it was hushed up.

Remember the one who sued, then qickly backed oof. Death threats like Doctor Ford?

[NastyRiffraff]

46. That letter is heart-wrenching

I can only try to imagine what agonies a parent goes through with something like that. Unfortunately, Trump is incapable of imagining anyone else's pain.

Thank you for sharing a very painful experience.

[ButSeeYa]

47. Thank you for sharing your story...

Your Daughter is not alone, and I am glad to hear that she is doing better. Thank you for being the loving and supporting parents that you were and still are to help her thru such a traumatizing event that effects the whole family as well. I have been there. Just let your Daughter know that the part of her that wants to and continues to heal is MUCH STRONGER than the part of her that is broken. Hugs.

[steve2470]

49. I am so sorry to hear this

I only have one son, but if I had a daughter who was similarly victimized, I would be just like you.

I wish you, your family and your daughter the very best.

[Pacifist Patriot]

50. Thank you for sharing.

Your story is why I never told my parents. I didn't want them to hurt as you do. Your daughter is fortunate to have you.

[get the red out]

51. I am so sorry about what was done to your daughter

But so grateful she has parents like you and her Mom.

[Le Gaucher]

52. I have a 7 yo daughter... I cant even begin to imagine your pain.

I think the punishment levels should be increased and the threshold for guilt should be lowered so that any travesty of justice should affect both genders equally.

Only then will our society move towards justice.

I still hope your daughter finds justice and solace.

[greatauntoftriplets]

53. You and your wife sound like wonderful parents.

I know that you'll do everything that you can to help your daughter reclaim as much of her life as you can.

[Dem_4_Life]

57. Thanks for sharing that is truly heartbreaking...

You and your wife sound like amazing parents.

I am so sorry your daughter had to go through that and it effects everyone that loves her as well.

[Adrahil]

59. I'm so sorry! But thank you for posting this!

I hope she manages to heal and recover that light in her eyes!

I have a 16-year-old daughter and my biggest fear for her is something like this. It can happen to ANY WOMAN.

[Olafjoy]

60. I work at a large University

I am so incredibly sorry for what happened to your amazing daughter. This is a narrative that is so familiar to me. We see young women like this almost every week. To say I am enraged is an understatement. I am oftentimes the first person these young ladies tell their story to. Frequently they ask me to call their parents and tell them what happened. It is heartbreaking to hear the fear and sadness in the voices of the parents and handing the phone over to their daughter results in sobbing for all of them. Every single parent I have ever talked to, and I have talked to too many, is nothing but supportive for their precious daughters and rush to be by their sides.
What scheming daemons conveys is exactly what I see EVERY SINGLE TIME. These women are assaulted. A crime is committed against them and they feel so ashamed and humiliated they vehemently refuse to do anything to report it. They are convinced that they will be violated over and over again by the justice system. Reraped by the people who are supposed to help them. Even though things have improved with reporting and the legal system, the assault victims are not convinced they will be protected.
Many of my friends have me come talk to their daughters before they leave for college. I have unbelievably frank, graphic discussions with them. I am now at the point of telling them that they need to assume they will be attacked and actively work against that every day. That is tragic. As I explain to them, with 1 in 4 college women reporting unwanted sexual contact, they need to assume they will be the 1 until they aren’t.
Again, scheming daemon, I am so sorry for what your beautiful, talented daughter is going through. I am really glad she is back in school and I pray for smiles on her face. You are a wonderful dad.

[lunatica]

64. I wonder if I may make a suggestion

Since you are actively involved in these situations and also actually doing something about it would you consider some kind of talks given to the male students too? In the same honest way you talk to the young women.

I think a man, or even better, a group of men demanding some sort of required orientation for the men in college regarding rape would go a long way towards ending this violence. Women and girls need more than to have the onus on them. And the majority of young men who would never rape themselves could also be persuaded to mitigate such behavior in other men.

[Haggis for Breakfast]

83. This is an excellent idea.

Something we should all consider a necessary evil (pun intended) to start to reverse the culture around sexual assault. We certainly can't wait for the politicians to take the lead. We've already seen how far they are willing to go to avoid taking the high ground. It's obvious that not one of those wizened old white fossils on the Senate Judiciary Committee has ever had a family member subjected to this kind of soul-shattering experience.

But then what should we expect from the party of pedophiles, pussy-grabbers, wife-beaters and braggarts ?

This is a conversation that should start in all of our communities, churches, lodges, libraries and gatherings. We need to start to address this from every angle we can. Make no mistake, this IS the national conversation every day now. We all have something to contribute.

[scheming daemons]

66. Thank you for your post.

[cp]

61. Thank you for sharing with us

Your beautiful daughter, you, and your wife are loving and strong. Yes, there will always be a scar, but I know from my own experience that she and you will heal and be whole. The scar will make you stronger and more compassionate. (And yes, it takes a long time.) We surround you and your daughter with love.

Oh hell yes, we will vote on November 6.

[MineralMan]

62. I'm so sorry that happened to your daughter.

Truly.

[lunatica]

63. This shook me to the core

It made me cry for you, your wife and your daughter.

I was raped too.

The thing that helped me the most was when I took that hurt person inside me and had a heartfelt conversation with her where she did the talking and I listened as if she was a real person baring her soul to me. I was able to react with all the feelings YOU have. All I wanted to do was protect her and show her how it wasn’t her fault and what a precious person she was. At that moment I forgave myself.

If I could know on all levels that another victimizes person was blameless in their actions then why the hell was I judging myself as if it was my fault?! It was cathartic. It transformed a living wound into something that happened in my past.

You can all heal. Of course there will be scars, but they won’t be open, bleeding wounds anymore.

[H2O Man]

65. Thank you for this.

Recommended. Your openness and honesty are much appreciated.

At the same time, reading the truth you speak of makes me feel ill. I can relate to your feeling, at times, like seeking revenge.

I'm hoping for the best for you and your family.

[joshcryer]

67. This is heartbreaking.

We need more stories like this to get out.

[Ilsa]

68. I am so sorry. She is so young

To have to be dealing with so much trauma.

https://www.democraticunderground.com/?com=view_post&forum=1002&pid=11141401

Even if you are able to get psychological help, and if time helps you heal, there are those years when you don't feel like yourself, when you feel jaded, or that you can't trust anyone, or that time during which you never feel safe, or take innocent comments the wrong way. Relationships fall apart, work and career can suffer. Rape steals time and money from its victims, among other things.

It took me years to learn how to have decent relationships again, but everyone is different. With all of the support she's getting, she might feel better sooner rather than later. I'm glad she's back in school.

On edit: My family was so dysfunctional, I chose not to confide in them, and because I needed a place where I wasn't treated differently.

[SallyHemmings]

69. May peace come to you and your family

[samnsara]

70. (((hugs)))

[Doreen]

71. I cried reading that.

My heart goes to your daughter, you, and your wife.

Something that I remember trump saying about a year ago was that if Ivanka was sexually harassed at work then he would recommend SHE leaves her job. Any parent who would handle sexual abuse like that on their child is a horrible person.

[smirkymonkey]

72. I am so sorry for what happened to your daughter.

Your story is just heartbreaking. I am so glad that you and your wife could be loving and supportive parents and just love her instead of judging her. I hope your family continues to heal and that your daughter becomes stronger with each passing year.

[Squinch]

73. I am so sorry for the pain your daughter, you and your wife have had to endure.

[denvine]

74. My heart breaks for your daughter, you and your wife!

Thank you for writing this, it was brave of you to do so. I am so sorry for what your daughter and her family went through that I wish I could beat the perp to a pulp also. Hopefully talking or writing about it is cathartic. The responses you received and just being able to put it out there is a great way to start healing.

[Niagara]

75. My heart breaks for you and your family

Your daughter's attacker is a monster. Reading your piece stirred up intense emotions inside myself from anger to sadness.

I realize that your dear daughter wants to forget and move on. Although she might find relief with professional counseling. It certainly does help most people.

Another topic that I would like to approach in this thread is self defense classes. This may help your dear daughter to build her self confidence back up.

You and your family is in my heart. Stay strong.

[FM123]

76. I am so sorry for what happened to your daughter, I wish I had more & better words for you....

[riversedge]

77. I sincerely hope you and your family find peace.

[Honeycombe8]

78. Thanks for your private story. I feel for your daughter and you and your wife.

Your daughter is lucky to have two wonderful parents. Think of the young women who don't have that, as support. They must stay broken for a long time.

I noticed that she didn't even tell her friends. She was that ashamed and felt stupid & responsible for it. Instead of blaming the guy who did that.

Thank you for speaking out and for being so understanding with your daughter.

[stopwastingmymoney]

79. Thank you for sharing this with us

Seeing your child in pain and being powerless to help is one of the worst feelings in this life.
I cried reading this along with many others I'm sure.

I wish you the strength to love her even harder and I wish for her smile to return

[Hekate]

80. I read this almost an hour ago and my chest is still so squeezed it hurts.

[lostnfound]

81. One of the most powerful essays I've read on this topic

Suggest a LTTE of a major paper. It’s very thought thought-provoking.

[lostnfound]

82. Carl Jung said "show me where a man's biggest pain is today..."

...and I will show where his greatest growth will be tomorrow”

How horrible and hard life can be. I sincerely hope that your daughter has discovered her inner strength and is very proud of her ability to survive and recover.

[Cha]

85. ...

[VOX]

86. Thank you for sharing your daughter's story, and for being there for her.

Her pain must be unbearable at times, but she’s courageous and moving forward with her life, even with the emotional scars she has to deal with.

You have held up as well. I do not blame you for having a dark, boiling rage in your heart for the individual who stole so much from your daughter. If I were in similar circumstances, I’d want to take a baseball bat to the offender.

I hope that you and your daughter continue on the upward trajectory you’re traveling now, and that eventually you all find some peace, light and life beyond this unspeakable tragedy.

[pnwmom]

87. What is going to get her through this is that she has two parents who love her dearly.

She'll never be the same person, but she'll be a whole person, with the compassion and caring she learned from the two of you.

I am so very very sorry. I know there is nothing worse than watching your child suffer, and wondering if there was something, anything, you could have done differently. But your love has been helping her to heal, and will continue to help her heal.

Thank you for sharing this story. I wish you could shout it out to the whole world, but I absolutely understand why she wouldn't want you to. You're a great dad, scheming daemons.

[Trueblue Texan]

88. I have great respect for you...

Thank you for your courage in sharing this. People need to know the real facts about sexual assault.

[JPPaverage]

89. As a father of a bright happy daughter

I'm sitting here shedding tears about what happened to your beautiful brilliant daughter. You are very brave to write about it here and I admire you for doing it.
And believe me, if ANYONE ever does anything like that to my daughter and I know who they are, they'd better pray that the cops find them before I do. Anyway, good luck to your daughter. I hope that in spite of the horror she's gone through, she has a good life.

[panader0]

90. This brought tears to my eyes.

As the father of two daughters, I can only imagine what your family has gone through.
I hope your daughter can find her smile again.

[Bradical79]

91. Happened to a close friend, though a bit different circumstances

She'd gone to the beach with another friend of hers, someone she'd known for several years. He wanted to go to some big beach party that was happening nearby, but she doesn't drink so stayed behind. So she'd gone to bed, and he came in stumbling drunk and forced himself on her. He knew what he was doing as he even said he was sorry just before he raped her. The next morning, he claimed to not remember, but proceeded to treat her like shit the rest of the weekend. Told her how annoying she was compared to other women and other insults.

It was absolutely heartbreaking as she told me everything that happened. I really broke down when she asked me if I hated her now, as if she were the one who'd done something so evil. I still feel like crying just thinking about what happened to her.

She defenitely changed some after that. While she is still the same kind and loving woman I've known for years, she will sometimes sink into a deep depression and I've had to talk her out of suicide a couple times last year. She lost almost all her friends and had trouble holding a job. Just doesn't have as strong of a handle on her life as she used to. I have to help her a lot financially and build up her confidence as health problems have hit her and her parents.

One other thing breaks my heart too is that she appologizes to me every once in awhile for being "annoying" and bothering me. Even asked me a couple times if I hated her, for no apparent reason. It's an absured question, but ever since the rape (just typing the word hurts), she has had some difficulty with being rational about such things.

It's tough seeing how it can change and break a person.

[LittleGirl]

92. I refused to let my attempted

rapist take my life from me.
I'm so sorry for your daughter. I know how crushing it is to think you were to blame for it.

Hugs and love sent your way.

[thucythucy]

93. What a powerful and important post.

As a rape survivor myself I can certainly empathize. I also spent years trying to recover, and I can honestly say it does and will get better, but for me it was a lot of work. I DID go to the police, and almost immediately began to regret my decision. It's enough to say I was not treated well.

Luckily, after the rape I moved to a city with an excellent rape crisis center, and wonderful and knowledgeable people to help me through. If I might offer some unsolicited advise, for me one of the most essential parts of my recovery was being with other survivors and sharing both our pain and our strength. I ended up spending several years as a volunteer at the RCC that had helped with my recovery, which did a lot to temper the feelings of helplessness and worthlessness.

There are so many of us out there.

Thank you for this courageous post, and I fervently wish you and your family and your daughter all the strength and love and support you need to recover from this terrible assault.

Edited to add this PS: many rape crisis centers also have resources available for family and loved ones of the survivor, so there might be that option for you personally as well. Just thought you'd like to know.

Best wishes.

[Upthevibe]

94. I'm so sorry to hear this happened to your daughter

and your family. It's great that she's coming along okay. Thank you so much for sharing your story.....

[Blue_true]

95. Thanks for sharing. Your daughter wanting to move on is understandable.

But the guy that raped her likely has or will rape other women that he can take advantage of. Even if she does not remember the apartment, either her or her former roommate remember the frat house. Surely she and her rapist would have passed some video cameras along the way to his place (bank ATMs, service stations, stores, ect). If those cameras have digital storage that download files to larger storage, maybe there is video of her and her rapist.

[Joe Nation]

96. I know exactly what you are talking about

Last edited Mon Sep 24, 2018, 10:39 AM - Edit history (2)

I lived on-campus in the 80's in a co-ed building surrounded by fraternities. Our buildings were 10 feet apart. You couldn't avoid knowing what was going on next door anymore than you could avoid hearing what was going on in your own building. Thin walls, thin floors, noisy ceilings, and lots of open windows made knowing your neighbors business just a consequence of living in a tightly packed student housing environment. You could blast your music to try and ignore your neighbors but they would just blast their music louder. My second floor window was almost directly across from the window of the fraternity on the other side of the narrow alley. Our rooms were so small, the only places to put a desks were in front of a dilapidated window that couldn't keep out the weather much less the noise from next door. We heard everything that happened. The University Police had been called so many times that they didn't even bother to show up anymore. And never mind the fact that the University Police were there to protect the fraternities and the University's reputations and keep crimes out of the newspapers.

Without detailing every event, I would like to warn any parent considering sending their daughter to college anywhere. Tell them to avoid fraternities under any circumstances. They are nothing more than bastions of rich entitled white-boys and frat houses are simply rape dens insulated from societal consequences. I keep hearing what Brett Kavanaugh did in Prep School and I can only imagine what he did once he got to college where his type of behavior was a badge of honor. The sad part is that these elitist white kids are groomed to become our next political leaders. Having seen their behavior early on, I think being in any fraternity should disqualify anyone from holding higher office in this country. It is a dirty little secret that these men are groomed for success and placed in positions of authority even as we ignore the lives they destroy along the way.

I am sorry that your daughter was just another victim in the long, long line of victims of the American Fraternity system because I am sure that she is much more than that to you. At the same time, I have thanked my lucky stars that I only had boys and that I was able to teach them that respecting girls was their highest priority in life. Men who take advantage of women are cowards and losers and we need to weed them out of our society not elevate them to higher offices. Tell your daughter that she is not defined by what this creep did and that her trust in others is a virtue that he cannot take from her.