Baby showers make me uneasy.

[3catwoman3]

There is a well known school of thought in obstetrics that "no pregnancy is normal until it's over." Very true.

I can think of few things more devastating than a late miscarriage, a very late stillbirth, or some sort of neonatal disaster at the time of delivery, and having to go home with no baby. And then facing what to do with all the baby items you have accumulated. It happens. One of my favorite moms at my pediatric office has had to endure this twice. Her second pregnancy had the only happy outcome.

I was at a baby shower just this past Saturday - a young woman I have known since our families moved into the same neighborhood, just a month apart, back in 1994. She was only 5. She had one very early miscarriage. This second pregnancy has gone well, and she is due in early December - a baby boy. There must have been 40 people at this event, and it looked as if the young couple might need to rent a U-Haul to cart home all the generous gifts.

The shower was organized by the mom-to-be's younger sister, and instead of cards, we were all asked to bring a book with something written inside the cover. This made me especially uncomfortable, but I complied with the request. I didn't bother with a gift receipt for this book, because it would not be able to be returned now that I have written in it.

A friend of mine who is Jewish told me, years ago, that in Jewish custom, one waits until after the safe arrival of the child to give the gifts. I think this sounds like a very wise idea.

[marybourg]

1. Not only to give gifts, but for the parents themselves to

bring home clothing, furniture and furnishings before the birth. Traditionally these items were chosen, but not delivered until the baby was. Stores in cities used to cooperate with this custom.

[3catwoman3]

13. When I was pregnant with our first son, I told my husband...

..that I would go pick out the crib, etc, put it all on layaway, and he could get it delivered once the baby had safely been born. He thought that was crazy, so he wouldn’t go along with it, but it was certainly what I would have preferred to do.

[saidsimplesimon]

26. Long ago and far away

customs have been abandoned for the new normal of immediate gratification and greed. Just to clarify, birthdays, weddings and holidays were celebrated with a meal in my family. Gifts were a bonus but not required.

[redstatebluegirl]

2. I agree, it has always made me uncomfortable.

We had a shower for my sister years ago, a huge shower, lots of gifts, a week later she miscarried the twins. It was brutal, I went over and collected the gifts took them to my house so she didn't have to go home and see all of those things. She had two more miscarriages before having her son and daughter. We never did another shower, we showered her with gifts after the babies were born.

I have been invited to a ton of "gender reveal" parties the past few years, and normally gifts are given then too. A lot of these moms are older having waited to have their kids. One of them miscarried shortly after the reveal party.

I think the Jewish custom is a very good one.

[WeekiWater]

3. This doesn't make much sense to me.

Baby shower or not any good parent is going to have a well prepared home near the end.

"And then facing what to do with all the baby items you have accumulated."

Parents accumulate things in preparation. If they didn't, it's because they couldn't afford to do so(in which case a baby shower is awesome) or they are irresponsible.

There is no monolithic thought with respect to those in the Jewish community. Just like everything else, the times are changing.

https://jewishfederations.org/jewish-life/jews-and-baby-showers-are-they-okay

Not that religious tradition would make up my view in this area.

Baby showers are often best for those who are the most economically disadvantaged.

[3catwoman3]

10. For the first few days, or couple of weeks, you can do with...

...relatively little in terms of equipment and supples - diapers, some onesies, blankets. A newborn can sleep just fine in an empty dresser drawer if need be.

Just as The Pampered Chef seems to have an individual tool for every kitchen task imagineable, there are so many baby products available that it can make you cross-eyed. Not having every product known to man at the ready doesn’t mean parents are being irresponsible, IMO.

[WeekiWater]

12. Baby showers don't provide every product known to man.

I wasn't aware that was the bar set in the discussion.

[3catwoman3]

14. There was no bar set in the discussion.

Just making the point that one doesn’t need very much to be responsibly and adequately prepared for the first couple of weeks.

This particular baby shower did provide pretty much every product known to man. On the gift registry, the mom-to-be even had nursing bras listed. That is an item I would prefer to buy for myself. You don’t even know what is going to fit until you see how big your boobs are going to be.

[WeekiWater]

15. Very kind of her friends and family. Such a nervous and exciting time. N/T

[leftynyc]

4. It is Jewish custom to NEVER buy

anything for a child who has not been born. If I'm going to a shower, I bring something for the expecting mother - Bath & Bodyworks has a gift basket made for expecting moms - soothing ointments for feet, lotion for stretch marks, stuff like that. I wont give money for a group gift or buy something for the baby not born. I simply wont. A woman in my office lost her child at 8 months - 1 week before her shower was scheduled.

[Runningdawg]

7. Cherokees have the same custom.

You can give the family food or firewood but when you do, you don't mention the baby. All baby items, diapers, formula, blankets and such they need the first few days are bought only after the child comes home. Baby showers typically take place a couple of weeks later, or after the naming ceremony, if there is one.

[leftynyc]

9. Jews have similar traditions

For a boy, there is a bris - a ritual to circumcise and give a Hebrew name - 8 days after birth and girls get baby naming ceremonies usually within a month of birth. I've known two colleagues that have heartbreakingly lost their babies in the last month of pregnancy so stick with buying something for the expecting mom if there is a shower.

[MaryMagdaline]

34. We had a baby shower for Jewish co-worker

Shower was at friend’s house. Our co-worker’s mother took all the presents home so none would go to the new mother’s house before the baby was born. Can’t tip off the Evil One. Reminded me of rural Irish tradition of dressing baby boys in girls’ clothes to avoid the Leprechauns? Who killed baby boys.

Led to many discussions of the Evil Eye, feared in Eastern Europe, Russia and Turkey.

Whether it’s folklore or just medically sensible, makes sense to wait until birth.

[leftynyc]

36. It does make sense

In another comment I told of two coworkers who lost their babies late, 8th and 9th month. I had never heard of the Leprechauns tale. I'm adopting two kittens this weekend and my cousin just ttold me to adopt two black ones because they're hard to place due to superstition. I love black cats so no hardship but I had never considered they would be hard to place for what seems like a silly reason. But babies...why tempt incurring the wrath from high atop the thing?

[3catwoman3]

38. Some shelters will not allow the adoption of black cats near Halloween...

Last edited Wed Oct 24, 2018, 12:36 AM - Edit history (1)

...because creepy people have been known to do bad things to black cats during that time. I hope you get your fur babies ASAP!

[leftynyc]

40. Going on Saturday

After the application process of Pet Rescue, I think they know I'm a good bet. I had to provide references (no relatives), vet info, work info. The baby I had to let go last week was a beautiful tuxedo kitty. And

[MaryMagdaline]

39. Very true

[woodsprite]

5. My MIL/SIL planned my baby shower for our first.

Plus one at my work and another at my husband's work. We truly didn't need or want for anything when we brought our daughter home from the hospital. We even had about a 3-month supply of diapers. Thankfully, everything went well.

We had a miscarriage 5 years later that happened after we started sharing the news (very hard). We went through several cycles of IVF and an FET procedure to conceive our 2nd. It was considered a high-risk pregnancy due to some bleeding issues (was on heparin), I had a fall that started early labor, and our son was delivered just under 5 wks early. We only chose select groups of people to share our news with. They were very careful not to share that info with others at our request. There were people at my husband's work and my work who didn't even know we were pregnant until I took off for maternity leave. I'm heavier, so I guess even at my most pregnant, people probably didn't want to say anything to me in case they offended me.

We did have a "Welcoming" party a few weeks after we were all home from the hospital.

I certainly understand the Jewish custom. I generally wait until babies are born before giving gifts. At work, I may donate to a gift if there is a baby shower, but it's typically a gift certificate that's purchased.

[mtnsnake]

6. The entire concept of baby showers has always seemed tacky, shallow, & often insincere to me

Maybe if I was a woman, I'd feel differently, but I don't think I'd want a bunch of people fussing over me and bringing me gifts because I was going to be having a baby.

A distant relative of mine's daughter is having one on Sunday, and a wealthy aunt who she secretly despises has been invited for one reason only: $$$$$

[MaryMagdaline]

35. As with everything else it can be tacky but when done nicely it

Lets the Parents know that they’re not stranded on an island alone ... baby is part of a community. When you’ve given a present to a child, you are psychologically invested in their welfare.

I hate baby showers but I’ve been moved when the mother shows gratitude and relief. It’s a scary time

[ProudLib72]

8. It's Jewish custom to not congratulate an expecting mom

Instead, you say, "May the baby be healthy".

[RobinA]

11. I Think This Is

made worse nowadays with the complete over-the-topness of gift giving. Sheesh, I've been to work showers where they gave a stroller and a car seat. When I started going to showers we gave some onsies and a nice outfit. Easier to put away in a drawer for the next try than the cartloads of "necessities" given now.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

16. I'm not uncomfortable with it

There's always uncertainty in life anyhow. We can still celebrate even if we don't know something is a for sure thing. It's like you're celebrating the hope of a good future. I see nothing wrong with that. People still have weddings even though a lot of marriages end in divorce. I think this is kind of the same thing. I think to forgo the celebrations just because something negative might happen in the future kind of takes the joy out of life. That's just my opinion.

[3catwoman3]

19. You are right, of course, that life is full of uncertainies.

Last edited Tue Oct 23, 2018, 03:22 PM - Edit history (1)

Unless I am totally off the mark, I suspect those who have gone home with no baby would say that divorce, or even being left at the altar, can't begin to compare to the agony of the loss of a child.

[tazkcmo]

27. Nothing compares.

The loss of a child of any age is devastating.

[pnwmom]

37. All that is true. But most of us buy things when we're expecting a baby.

We don't wait till a baby is actually born to send our husbands off to the store.

A baby shower is no different, really.

[Bettie]

17. Our friends threw us a wonderful baby shower

a month before the date our first child was due.

Two weeks after that due date, she died during an emergency c-section. The on-call doctor was nowhere to be found so the emergency c-section was delayed by 20 minutes.

Since then, I don't attend baby showers anymore.

I do, however, send gifts after the safe arrival of a new baby.

I send flowers and a card with a list of pregnancy and neonatal loss resources to those who have losses.

My only daughter would be turning 20 this year.

[3catwoman3]

18. How very sad, and how brave of you...

...to share your story here. We are forever made different by losses such as these.

[Bettie]

22. I talk about it

because so many people have had losses and don't talk about it because it is one of those things that our society isn't good at talking about.

I am a very different kind of mom than I'd have been otherwise. Hopefully in a good way.

Thanks for the kind thoughts.

[3catwoman3]

23. Those kinds of losses are invisible to those who do not know...

...us personally. We don't walk around with a cast on an arm, or on crutches, or an eye patch, so people who do not know us have no idea how wounded we are. My biggest experience of loss was that of my brother, and only sibling, who died unexpectedly when he was only 23. I was 26. It was 40 years ago. I have no doubt that it influenced the kind of mom I am.

[Bettie]

24. Sorry for your loss

hey, anything that makes us better parents ends up for the better of humanity as a whole, no matter how much it sucks.

[3catwoman3]

25. I had a very interesting and surprising realization, just earlier this year.

For the longest time, I would have done the proverbial "anything" to bring my brother back, were that possible, which, of course, it isn't. I found myself wondering what path my life might have taken had that not happened. I met my husband shortly after my brother died. He was my next door neighbor in the bachelor officers' quarters at Yokota Air Base in Japan. He was very supportive, at a very needy time in my life.

If the circumstances has been different, perhaps we would not have ended up together, and I would not have the 2 sons we have. I would, of course, have loved whichever children I might have had with someone else, but knowing these 2 young men for the last 28 and 26 years, I cannot imagine my life without them in it.

What a strange feeling to realize that I would not undo the worst thing that ever happened to me if it meant I would have to undo the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Bettie]

28. I think a similar thing

if Julie had not died, I'd never have met some of my closest friends. I'd be an entirely different kind of mom, my husband would be a different kind of dad and we'd just be different.

So, as much as I wish one of my living kids was a girl (none of my four menfolk are much for talking) so I'd have someone to talk to, I know it needed to happen to take me down the path I'm on.

[SoCalDem]

20. I missed my shower

our son, due Jan 3rd, showed up Nov 11.

I had a major abruption and almost died, and he was born with a major birth defect. He had his first surgery at Mayo Clinic when he only weighed 4 &1/2 pounds.

Needless to say, the shower happened much later, and it always makes me cry whenever I run across those pictures. It was anything but a happy event. We did need things and I was grateful, but...

He had 28 surgeries before he was 8 yrs old.

We are lucky to have both survived..

My heart aches for your loss

[Bettie]

21. I'm so glad your boy made it

and that you did! I imagine it was really hard watching your tiny guy go through all of that. Moms want to make it all better and it is so awful when we can't.

Thanks for the kind thoughts.

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

29. The "gender reveal" parties are similarly uncomfortable -

maybe even more so because they usually occur shortly after the couple has received the ultrasound results, which is usually 16-20 weeks, allowing for more time for something to go wrong afterwards. As a guest you get to bring a present - probably a gender-neutral one since they haven't cut the cake to see the color inside or released the pink or blue balloons or whatever goofy thing they decide to do - and you are also obliged to look at the ultrasound. A couple of months later you will also be invited to a baby shower, to which you may now bring gender-specific gifts. You will also get to play stupid games, possibly involving fake baby poop in a diaper (you get the door prize if the diaper you chose has the fake baby poop in it).

I don't care for these events - as the OP and other posts point out, there might not be happy results, so if someone wants to have a baby shower it makes more sense to have it after there is a baby who can be there as the (unwitting) recipient of the gifts. And gender reveal parties also strike me as rather tacky and self-involved.

[3catwoman3]

30. If you go to a gender reveal party, AND a baby shower, are you...

Last edited Tue Oct 23, 2018, 05:58 PM - Edit history (1)

...then expected to give a 3rd gift once the baby is born?

[The Velveteen Ocelot]

31. Probably, but I wouldn't.

[bdjhawk]

32. And gender reveals are disgusting!

These gender reveal stunts have really gotten out of contol. They seem to all be done for the attention gained from posting on social media rather than genuine joy over the baby. And what I find most offensive is that the older siblings in these reveals are effectively taught to react with disgust if the gender revealed is not what they have been asked to prefer. Come on, parents!! Don’t ask your kids to prefer one gender over the other! Teach your kids to be excited for and to love whatever joins the family- either sister or brother!!

[RobinA]

56. A Terrible Idea

The gender reveal is a step too far. As someone who never had a wedding and is childless, I draw the line at these things. Look, I'm fine with the wedding present, attending the wedding, the wedding shower present, the baby shower present, attending the baby shower, the baby present. But the gender reveal?? Present and party?? Enough about you, already. And gee, I would have loved a card when my father died.

[kskiska]

33. I remember reading that in some European countries

it's considered bad luck to give gifts before the baby is born.

[Danmel]

41. After I had my son, I met a woman who had a full term stillbirth

I had a c section and developed an incisional infection.
We are Jewish and picked out some things and had them delivered after Danny's birth.
I was feeling sorry for myself because I had to be rehospitalized, then I met a woman whose daughter was strangled by the cord a week before her due date.
I'm generally not superstitious, but why tempt fate.

[Hortensis]

42. After 20 weeks, less than 0.5% of pregancies will end in demise.

Notably that number is inflated by pregnancies of women who lead unhealthy lifestyles, including not receiving medical care.

It's significantly lower for babies born to women who take reasonably good care of themselves and have had good prenatal care from the beginning.

Although I understand irrational fears, having a couple myself, I'm surprised at how many people still share the negativism of the original post, though not how widespread old traditions based on high childbirth and infant mortality are. That was the human condition for hundreds of thousands of years, after all.

It was really not very long ago at all that there were tragically good reasons for traditions that waited until a baby was born, and had even survived a few weeks, before giving gifts. But those days are past.

In all but the poorest regions of the planet now, infant mortality has plummeted, not just in advanced nations. Delaying preparation until after birth has already been discarded as a dysfunctional and obsolete practice in many cultures, even if rituals to ward off demons still endure.

So of course we've developed new and newly functional traditions based on the happy reality that expectant parents are going to have a baby. Those include sharing the joy with visiting relatives, parties and gift giving, as well as lovingly shopping for furniture and setting up nurseries so that everything new parents will need will be ready and waiting when their babies arrive.

And the sheer volume of gifts today comes from vastly increased production that has created enormous bounty at low cost. Bringing its own problems, of course, but not creation of greed.

We advance.

[ProfessorGAC]

43. If One Is Among The 0.5%. . .

. . .that stat is little comfort. I know. My wife is one of the 0,5%.

[Hortensis]

44. I'm sorry and of course it's no comfort to those few.

The need for friends to do school shopping is no comfort to those who've lost a child, or that friends still invite guests in couples to their parties when someone's lost a young husband or wife. Tragedies happen.

But we no longer live with the realities of imminent, relatively frequent death that all generations before us did. Antibiotics were new in WWII. Before that infections the body couldn't stop killed. people of all ages. Epidemics popped up just anywhere every few years and could and did kill people of all ages practically overnight. That was the reality.

But now as the specter of death has become so rare as to be a surprise when it appears.

You remind me, though, that one of our great advances now is the ability to identify high-risk pregnancies very early on, or soon after problems develop. Of course those parents may need to protect themselves by delaying preparation.

That, of course, leaves those who have no warning. Speaking of, though I'll attend my next shower as happy as my hosts hope, I would never encourage anyone to have a baby at home. Cords wrapped around the neck or a limb, for instance, are not uncommon. One of my stories is of friends whose baby strangled to death in the womb during home labor. They thought they were doing their best for their baby, but hospital labor and delivery wards look for and handle many potentially deadly complications routinely.

[ProfessorGAC]

48. Yeah

I wasn't trying to be confrontational. Just struck a personal note with me that such an otherwise encouraging stat doesn't mean much to the people in that limited population on the other side of the curve.

My wife had 2 very early miscarries but the 3rd on got to almost the 5th month and everyone, including the OBG figured we were out of the woods.

Then one day at school, she started having pains.

They went away but that night she started bleeding heavily, so we went to ER.

That one was emotionally wrenching for her, so we decided we weren't meant to have kids and quit worrying about it.

At some point we had to say "oh well".

[3catwoman3]

45. I am so sorry to hear that.

I hope you both have people to lean on.

[ProfessorGAC]

47. Water Under The Bridge

Happened in the 80's. We're way past that age now!

[Hortensis]

49. I wonder if it would be any different today, Prof.

Funny to think of those days as comparatively primitive -- we certainly didn't then -- but there've been tremendous developments since then in the field of maternal-fetal medicine.

I've read that miscarriage is far more common in humans than once realized. We apparently still don't know how many fertilized eggs and implanted embryos are naturally aborted, political considerations stifling research, but the suggestion in that article was that it could conceivably be as high as 80% and certainly not below 60%.

[ProfessorGAC]

50. Probably Not

There very well could have been genetic incompatibility between my wife and i. And, i don't think there is much they can do about that, even now. (Absent some super expensive thing like gene splicing or something, and i don't know whether that works well or not.)

But we were 0 for 3, so something was up.

[Hortensis]

51. Yes. Not everything can be fixed.

Imagine you've had some good and interesting times with just some of the fortunes you didn't spend on parenting, and with the time and freedom! So many are choosing that now.

[ProfessorGAC]

52. Retiring In 68 Days

Early 60's with a pretty big pile of $. We'll be just fine. In fact, we'll have more money in retirement than we have while i'm working. Go figure.

[Hortensis]

53. Whoa, congrats! That's lovely to hear.

Money and time on your hands. The older-American dream.

[ProfessorGAC]

54. Alas, We're Too Rare

Everyone who grew up in the 50s & 60's then started working in the 70's should be in a very comfortable position.

Then the Reagan era happened.

[Hortensis]

55. Yes. Exactly.

My income dropped, and with it routine deposits to investments, nearly 20 years before I expected to stop saving. Then some medical bills, skyrocketing insurance costs. Neither of us had pensions but had once felt we wouldn't need them.

At that we're doing better than a lot of people. I worry about those who came of age over the past 20 years and didn't go to college. Many are still sharing rentals without a real buck in savings. A hard world and very different from the one I graduated high school into.

Oh, well. We're far from unease over baby showers.

[itcfish]

46. I Am Not Jewish

But I did not bring or want any baby things in the house until my children were born. Call it superstition but I did not want to tempt the hand of fate.