White Supremacist Terror Week Sucks. I Miss Infrastructure Week (Ferret/Shower Cap)
Well, with the midterms a few short days away, Infrastructure Week has given way to White Supremacist Terror Week, and I confess, watching the American President do everything he can to provoke division, fear, and outright hatred, I'm nostalgic for the early days of mere blundering incompetence.
We've always known Government Cheese Goebbels would behave this way once his back was truly against the wall, that he'd burn the whole country to ash to save his own spray-tanned, jowlsy, neck, without a moment's regret...and I'm tryin’ to find the jokes, but today, it's hard, friends.
(As always, this post can be found, with all the relevant links, on my blog site: http://showercapblog.com/white-supremacist-terror-week-sucks-i-miss-infrastructure-week/)
(And don't forget the Midterms Action Guide, we're in the home stretch! http://showercapblog.com/vote-goddamn-midterms/)
But I know y’all come here for some much-needed levity in these deep, dark, turd-encrusted times, and I don't want to let you down. Therefore, for this post only, I will be outsourcing the humor to other sites, where appropriate, in those moments when the news coverage becomes too tragic, enraging, tragically enraging, or engagingly tragic.
Of course we entered the weekend dealing the aftermath of a mass-assassination attempt by a Trump-inspired terrorist. While much of America grappled with tough questions about how we got here, and how we'll ever find our way back to decency again, President Crotchvoid took time to grieve...the fact that the terrorist pushed his preferred headlines off the front page. Littlefinger had stuff he wanted to whine about, but the mean ol’ mail bomber stole his thunder, WAAAAAAAAAH!
I suppose I can understand why he's upset. God knows he's worked harder on his precious migrant caravan diversion than he ever did on crafting a health care bill. Yes, your President cares more about feeding the fears of white bigots than in solving any of the problems facing the nation. And that's not funny, but you know what is? Garfield Minus Garfield.
Oh, and mean ol' Twitter deleted his bot followers, FURTHER WAAAAAAAAH!
And you wouldn't expect a little ol’ thing like somebody sending a bomb to CNN headquarters to get Baron Golfin von Fatfuk to back off his attacks on the press, even for a day, wouldja? Naw, when you start to see concrete results (like TERRORISM), you double down, brah! The only reason he's not using the word “Lügenpresse” is that he can't pronounce it. This bloated assclown won't be happy until a bomb actually goes off.
Meanwhile, the Shart Administration popped up to say, “Oh hey, remember that despicable act of state-sponsored terrorism we perpetrated a little while back, where we stole children from their families at the border? Well, wouldn'tcha know it, we just found 14 extra migrant children we separated, and have been illegally detaining and tormenting, OOPSIE!” Like fucking spare change they found in the sofa, instead of human beings. Instead of fucking CHILDREN.
Dear reader, I imagine we both need to cool off a bit at this point, so may I direct you to one of my favorite diversions, a little site called Texts From Superheroes?
Brian Kemp continues his voter-suppression crusade like it's his goddamn job, which, regrettably, it sort of is, since he's the Georgia Secretary of State. Jimmy Carter took a break from building homes for the less fortunate (unlike Drumpfy's evangelical cultists, Jimmy is an actual Christian) to call on Kemp to resign and, y'know, actually let Democracy happen in the United States. If I were Kemp, I'd watch out. Jimmy Carter beat cancer, little man, he'll toss a wannabe-authoritarian runt like you over his knee and give you a richly-deserved spanking.
Brazil became the latest nation to turn to a terrifying right-wing “populist” fuckhead for leadership. Reading about this creep sends an ice-cold shiver down my spine, so maybe we should all check out this merciless roast of everybody's favorite Journalistic Standards-Lowerer, Chris Cillizza, at McSweeney's.
I see the Uncredible Huck returned to briefing room podium after a month-long absence today, I guess cuz she missed lying and inciting hatred of the press. I get it. It's hard to quit anything cold turkey.
Fat Q*Bert added another shiny new lawsuit to his ever-growing collection today. This one's for fraud, and names some of his shitty kids, too. It'll be fun, won't it? Watching that ill-gotten fortune whittled down, lawsuit by lawsuit?
Saturday morning, headlines about attempted murder gave way to stories of mass-murder, as a rabid maniac, radicalized on the internet by the very same forces that animate much of Hairpiece Himmler’s hateful base, murdered 11 at the Tree of Life synagogue in Pittsburgh.
The terrorist cited the very same anti-Semitic conspiracy theories about “globalists” and “George Soros” that Trump tosses around in his hate rallies, but if you point that out, some desperately centrist pundit might just clutch their pearls 'till they're crushed into a fine powder for your heresy against the Holy Gospel of Bothsidesism, and we wouldn't want that.
But Lou Dobbs is still out there, standing on his tippy-toes, with a bullhorn, using the full force of his platform to spread this hateful filth, even though it's earned him a (GASP) slap on the wrist over at Fux Nooz. Kevin McCarthy, who just might be the next Republican Speaker of the House, left his own Klan-worthy tweet up for a whole goddamn day before being shamed into taking it down.
And Steve King gets bolder every day. If he's still in Congress come January, expect King to interrupt the traditional recitation of the Constitution to offer a little reading from Mein Kampf.
HAHAHAHAH CAP YOUR BLOG IS SO FUNNY. I told you it'd be rough going tonight. Here, let me pass you off to Bad Kids Jokes. They're funny even when I'm not.
Oh, and how did Lil’ Donnie Two-Scoops himself respond to the biggest mass-murder of Jews in American history? First, with the perfunctory, insincere, “Oh yes, this is very bad and don't do it again wink wink” teleprompter statement, and then, because he's a Walking Human Hemorrhoid, with open, gleeful, trolling.
He enjoyed a little chuckle about how answering reporters’ questions on a national tragedy ruined his good hair day. And he took special care Saturday night to tweet about a baseball game, just to really drive home that he desn't give a fuck about the loss of life, he doesn't give a fuck about our grief, and he doesn't give a fuck about the dangerous hatred he's unleashed and encouraged.
You've no doubt seen the headlines about Pittsburgh’s Jewish community telling the Velveeta Vulgarian to just stay the fuck away from their mourning communities, but I urge you dig a little deeper. The leaders of Bend the Arc said the President wasn't welcome in Pittsburgh...until he abandoned his bigoted rhetoric and denounced white nationalism. That shouldn't be hard, right? Like, if Ben & Jerry's held a “Free Pint to Everyone who Just Denounces White Nationalism” Day, they'd wind up going bankrupt. It's a low fuckin’ bar to clear, is all I'm sayin', but still too high for President Skidmark.
And Kellyanne Conway emerged from her gingerbread house just long enough to blame the anti-Semitic massacre on...late night comedians? Seriously? Does that Shart House comms shop just have a carnival wheel depicting various Trump foes, and before any surrogate goes on TV, they have to spin it and demonize whoever the needle lands on? I guess Conway's lucky she didn't have to pin the whole thing on Rosie O’Donnell...
“Hold my beer, Kellyanne!!!” screamed Mike Pants, who couldn't get any actual Rabbis to appear beside his hate-mongerin’ ass, and figured settling for the “Messianic Jews” (that's a group that works to convert Jews to Christianity, for the record) alternative would be just as good. Not a bright lad, that Vice President.
Remember a few months back, when the entire GOP tried to make a single murder committed by an undocumented immigrant the most, no, the ONLY important story in America? When Erupting HateBoil Noot Gingrich belched, ““If (victim's name redacted, because fuck their bullshit narrative) is a household name by October, Democrats will be in deep trouble?” You've never seen an American political party so delighted that an American was killed. Again, racist fear-mongering is the only arrow left in their quiver.
So yeah, Fux Nooz can't seem to go more than a couple of hours without platforming some sinister taintfungus insisting the Dread Migrant Caravan is teeming with disease, and they just can't wait to “infect” all the good clean (coughcough white) Americans, and yeah, that genuinely is dehumanizing rhetoric directly out of the Nazi playbook. It's happening right here in the United States. In 2018. Broadcast coast-to-coast, right from the bile-spewing heart of the media bubble that's brainwashed a terrifying number of our countrymen.
...you're starting to see the wisdom in outsourcing the gags tonight, aren't you? Anyway, here's a link to The Non-Adventures of Wonderella. That'll make you laugh, even if I can't.
And now, the Hairplug That Ate Decency is dispatching 5,200 troops to the border, to combat the earth-shaking menace of the constantly-shrinking migrant caravan that remains hundreds of miles away. I imagine the Hatch Act doesn't have provisions to prevent Presidents from wasting millions of taxpayer dollars deploying the military for cheap political stunts, just one more example of the outdated “Well, we never anticipated the government would be taken over by sociopathic morons” conventional wisdom of simpler times.
Yeah, that's more troops than we have fighting ISIS in Syria. It's more troops than there are human beings in the caravan, including children. If I was Justin Trudeau, I'd invade now while Sharty McFly is distracted.
I should leave y’all with something to smile about. How about a little video of the most powerful person on Earth, demonstrating his inability to operate a machine as complex as a goddamn umbrella. Senile old fucker's like, “You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, fuck it.”
No, I can do better than that. How about the story of the Muslim community in America, coming together in solidarity with their Jewish brothers and sisters, raising tens of thousands of dollars to help the shooting victims' families? That spirit of love is what Donald Trump is desperate to destroy in America, my friends...and as you can see, like so many of his endeavors, he is failing.
Trump and the GOP, after controlling the federal government for nearly two years, have no record to run on. All they can offer now is fear and hate. It didn't work in Virginia last November. It won't work now.
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Well done, as per usual. I especially loved your last couple of sentences:
All they can offer now is fear and hate. It didn't work in Virginia last November. It won't work now.
AMEN! 
