We went to Jacob Wohl's most important press conference ever LOLOLOL

[pnwmom]

https://dealbreaker.com/2018/11/we-went-to-jacob-wohls-most-important-press-conference-ever-and-it-was-everything-wed-hoped-it-would-be/

When we left our quiet, comfortable home in the pre-dawn darkness to drive alone to Washington DC this morning, we did so with the solitary hope the eventual reward would warrant our sacrifice.

Oh, how it did.

Awaiting us hours down I-95 was the promise of a press conference being hosted by our old pal Jacob Wohl and some MAGA DC lawyer that he’d pulled into his latest venture: becoming a global private eye hellbent on destroying prosecutor Robert Mueller. According to Jacob’s pre-sale, he was going to present a victim of sexual assault who would claim that her abuser was none other than Mueller himself. Our boy Jacob was going to show her off to the assembled press at a Holiday Inn in Arlington, VA and end the long investigation into his adopted daddy, President Donald Trump.

We had spent the previous day watching Jacob’s whole plan unravel in the most JacobWohlian way possible. The investigation firm that he claimed had contacted him turned out to be yet another of his adorable shell companies with a web registration bearing his email and a phone number that rang back to his mom’s cell. He had also apparently forgotten to update the photo template on the website he fabricated, leaving up bio headshots of famous actors and models, stock photo faces, and of course, his own head. The whole thing was very cute and dumb and totally what we’ve come to expect from Jacob over the years.

What we didn’t expect though was just how utterly fucking shambolic the whole presser would be once we finally arrived at the Rosslyn Holiday Inn. It took us a while to find the conference room that Jacob and his pal Jack Burkman had taken from 11am to 2pm. It was in a corner of the building and a litany of water pitchers had been laid out. By 11:30, the room consisted of about 8 people. Wohl and Burkman rolled in around 11:40, and Jacob sat up front, preparing – we assume – for his performance.

SNIP

[yellerpup]

1. Totally rollicking!

[KT2000]

2. pretty darn funny

the fly down was the capper.

[The Genealogist]

3. Truly hilarious.

Best story I've heard all week.

[nolabear]

4. It's all collapsing around them. Bannon, these mooks...

Pence whimpering that he’s “kind of a big deal too”, Kanye having trouble figuring out what’s going on, it’s all coming apart. If we can just keep the madmen from killing any more innocent people while the grownups take over again.

[keithbvadu2]

5. And the mystery woman who does not show up.

http://www.ocregister.com/2017/02/24/no-anonymous-sources-trump-scolds-after-white-house-uses-them/

‘No anonymous sources,’ Trump scolds - after White House uses them

[edbermac]

6. #AssWohl

[dawg day]

7. My favorite line-- (the open fly)

The document provided a surfeit of different spellings and Wohl seemed incapable of agreeing with Burkman [who somehow left the fly of his suit pants unzipped throughout the event] on a correct spelling of her name.

[red dog 1]

8. Too bad the only photo doesn't show the lawyer's barn door open.

K&R, thanks for posting.

[pnwmom]

9. The open barn door is on display here:

Link to tweet

[Ligyron]

16. Is that kid like 12 yrs old or what?

Isn't he suppose to be in school or sumpim?

[Xipe Totec]

10. He eclipsed Mozart by casting a shadow over a Mozart CD with his colossal haid nt

[dlk]

11. So Much for the Big Leagues...

[Roland99]

12. The "victim" has been unmasked. Google images FTW

Link to tweet

[FakeNoose]

13. I think he's writing this for the yucks

The article is amusing, but it's also obvious that the reporter wasn't taken in for one second. He knew this was a scam from the get-go and Jacob Wohl is no friend of his either. So yeah, the whole thing was a joke and no serious journalist ever believed it.

[NastyRiffraff]

14. The bus that Antifa was supposedly bussing in a mob

turns out to be a Tripper bus, that stops there every day. But hey, facts are so 20th century.

[bluescribbler]

15. He nails it at the end.

But the moment that really drove home how damaged Jacob Wohl has been by the adults around him came close to the very end when Burkman leaned into the microphone and said with total sincerity that “Jacob is a child prodigy who has eclipsed Mozart.”
His fly was still down.