How Andy Borowitz muses about Iowas results / Mitt: The Eight People Have Spoken
Romney Jubilant After Finishing in Dead Heat with Walking Joke in Sweater Vest
Mitt: ‘The Eight People Have Spoken’
DES MOINES (The Borowitz Report) – Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney was overjoyed today after finishing the Iowa caucuses in a virtual tie with a walking joke who wears sweater vests.
“The eight people have spoken!” exclaimed Mr. Romney, who was joined by supporters celebrating his .0006% margin of victory.
The former Massachusetts governor put the best face on his razor-thin lead, telling supporters, “Say what you will, but eight votes is still six more than Rick Perry can count.”
Historians noted that the last time so few people decided a Presidential race they were all on the Supreme Court.
As for the other candidates, runner-up Rick Santorum said that he had received a phone call from President Obama: “He stopped laughing just long enough to say congratulations.”
And former House Speaker Newt Gingrich addressed speculation about whether he would leave the race: “Not unless it gets cancer.”
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