Do you really want to know why some people are MAGAts? Read my story.
This is the story of my life. This is a long read and took me three hours to write. It is all factual. I have never told anyone all this before, so here it is, for better or worse. Putting this down has been cathartic. I have been crying as I have written this. Me, a 61 year old man, crying like a baby.
If you hate me, I can accept that. If you like it, pass it on. I will not give my real name, though, so do not ask.
Some people are simply very selfish, and have never been taught otherwise. If they never learn otherwise, they go through their life like that. I was born in 1957, (keep that date in mind), and that was me up until 15 years ago.
I was raised by my paternal grandparents until I was 5. Why is a long story, and is not relevant. My Grandmother spoiled me rotten and I mean that literally. She did not discipline me. She did not make me eat properly. My Grandfather tried to intervene and my Grandmother would not permit that. When my parents came back and picked me up, my mother took me to a doctor, as I was sick all the time. My mother told me the doctor threatened to have her arrested for my poor condition, this was 1962, before the term “child abuse” was used, so I must have been in bad shape. My wonderful Grandma loved me too much.
I had a married sister 20 year older than myself. I did not grow up with her. She had small children that I did not like very much, because my mother would pay attention to them, and not to me. So, for all intents and purposes I was a single kid. I was a loner. I did not play well with other children because they regarded me as selfish, as a late Aunt told me. I believe her, I was selfish. I had no siblings to learn from and about. I never had to learn to share or to take turns. Even as a kid on the playground, I did not like associating with others. I hated sports, because I was not athletic, and did not want to be naked around that many guys, anyway. I always had top grades, and was arrogant about it. So all that let to me being bullied all through high school.
My parents were older and grew up during the Depression. I know realize only decades later, that they grew up very Authoritarian. They raised me to be an Authoritarian. The rules were "Do as we tell you and do not question us." "Children are to be seen and not heard." As long as I got good grades and “behaved", everything was fine. When I hit puberty, my mother hit menopause. My life with my mother became sheer hell. She emotionally and verbally abused me until I left for college. Never physical though. And do not let anyone tell you words can't hurt, they do. I think I would have rather been beaten. My dad really loved my mother and thus would not defend me to her. At one point because of normal teenage rebellion, my dad actually searched my entire body for needle tracks. As in under my nails, and between my toes.
My parents never discussed politics with me, only years later did I realize they voted Democrat. My parents never really set me down and talked ethics, and morality. So, ethically, politically, I got little education at home. I never had an ethics class.
We quit attending church when I was 12 because even though both parents were religious, as my mother said "They are always asking for money." My mother had been forced to quit school during the Depression, when she was 14, because her father had died, and she had to get a job as a seamstress. She never went further than 8th grade. That permanently warped her about money. Leaving church was fine with me because I hated church anyway, I would rather watch TV. So, I got little ethics from religion.
By the early 70s, in today’s terms, I was a hard-core MAGAt. I went through 4 years of Army ROTC in high school. I wanted to be a soldier and “Kill Commies for Mommy”. I hated Communism and Communists, because I was told to by those in power, and my relatives. I wanted to nuke North Vietnam, the only problem was the USSR. I thought I was "not a man" because I "missed" Vietnam. I Loved Nixon and those like him for their hard-nosed attitudes. I thought Vietnam was a winnable and righteous war. I defended Nixon, to my parents during Watergate, because “he was the President”.
When I went to College ROTC, I found out what REAL military service was going to be like, and I said "Fuck this", I am not going. I was a classic Chickenhawk, though I had never heard the term at that time.
I hated all Democrats except JFK. I thought they were all weak. If he had not been assassinated, I probably would have hated him, too. I hated Carter, I thought he was weak, because he "let" the Iranians “humiliate" us. I REALLY wanted him to bomb Tehran.
Loved Reagan, voted for him both times. Still thought he was weak at times, like when Gorbachev came along and he negotiated with him. Did not vote for Bush I, because I thought he was too "Establishment", so I voted Libertarian both times. Thought he was a coward because he would not go to Baghdad. Was obsessed with guns, I really believed the NRA propaganda that constantly stated the Democrats WERE coming to take my guns away. Loved Rush Limbaugh. Voted for Bush II in 2000.
Only in 2003 did I start to change. It was gradual. I realized Libertarianism and Limbaugh were garbage. Realized we did need some sort of national health care. Realized Bush II and Cheney were War Criminals and all that trickle down stuff was a lie, because I was not rich.
When the Great Recession hit, that was the last straw. Had not the Republicans and Libertarians endlessly taught me as long as I worked hard enough I would get rich? It finally hit me, that the answer was NO. Republicans only cared about the already wealthy, and business. If all that had been untrue, what else was untrue?
I could not afford therapy. So, I took a real hard look at myself, and realized I was one hard-nosed, selfish bastard. I realized that I felt as if it did not hurt me personally, I did not care about others. I realized I had little or no empathy or sympathy for anyone not “just like me”. I realized I was a nativist, a racist, a sexist, a homophobe, and just an all around bigot. The tragically hilarious part was I am naturalized citizen, but because I was a white cis-male, it was all right to hate others who were “Not Real Americans”.
I had often wondered how Hitler came to power, how the German people could do something as monstrous as that. Thought Hitler was the greatest monster in history, followed closely by Stalin. I actually was born in Germany, was a German citizen, left there as a baby, and I finally realized if I had grown up in Germany back then I would have been a fervent Nazi. That was a real horror to me to realize that, yes, I would have worshiped Adolf Hitler, the man I hated more than any other human being who ever lived. Me, a fucking Nazi.A FUCKING NAZI.
To paraphrase the famous quote, I had stared into the Abyss for so long that was all I had to look at.
I joined DU and got tombstoned because I wrote some nasty posts. I starting reading more at DU. I started learning how wrong I had always been. I rejoined in 2008, and now regard DU as one of the greatest assets of my life. I am still learning and evolving. The more I learn, the more I realize I still have a long ways to go. I hope to get there someday, hopefully before I die.
I voted for Obama twice, and for HRC. I will never vote anyway but straight Democratic ticket as long as I live.
I keep promising myself I will read A People’s History of America, and Lies My Teacher Told me. Why not, I have both on my phone.
After much recommendation I downloaded and read The Authoritarians by Bob Altemeyer and realized I had been a classic case
So, if you grow up in an Authoritarian home, grow up with little moral or ethical guidance, accept that selfishness is fine, that compassion and empathy are weaknesses, accept the conventional lies we are constantly told by those in power, because they are in power, accept that as a White, Heterosexual Man, you are the pinnacle of creation, and a Real American, and finally if you can’t, or won’t teach yourself, and refuse to learn from others, then you, too, can, and will be a MAGAt.
It is just that simple.
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Hate does indeed sell, and there are those who have a lot of money riding on making sure we vote that way.
Luckily, many of us don't - and even better, many more have realizations just as you did.
That takes a lot.
Thank you, sir. 
We have never been the same once the Doctrine was gutted.
The demise of it permitted a person like Rush to dominate the airwaves with his LIES and HATE masquerading as "free speech." And gave rise to the tolerance of FOX news.
Now look where we are.
Republicans who allowed that. Unfortunately. 
I was in law school at the time. Some of my ostensibly "liberal" law professors supported its elimination. I remember having long discussions with them at the time as to why I believed that it was NOT a good idea. They blithely ignored my arguments. 
It is hard to look into that mirror with honesty. But if you can't be honest with yourself, who can you be honest with?
It can be very cathartic to release anger, frustrations and so many other negative emotions. Now you have room for the positive, So I'll start you off with a virtual
Great read by the way. I’m glad you’re here in DU. 
could still change in your forties and fifties.
You mention not having therapy, just taking a long hard look at yourself. Did any of the people around you, your friends or family or coworkers, play any part in this?
I keep wondering how to reach out to people who are at the point you were fifteen years ago, teetering on the edge of a possible new way of thinking . . . .
I'm so glad you found a place here.
or another major paper and ask for anonymity, or don't publish it.
Who knows?
cheers
It was the same for me.
I grew up in a fairly liberal Democratic leaning household. Not very political though.
However, as a gay man, the discovery of Gay Liberation in Chicago brought out the activism side of me.
Then years later when I moved to Wisconsin I was a fish out of water. Not much going on as far as
gay politics.
So I started doing work for some of the good Democratic candidates like Howard Dean, etc. etc.
And gratefully, a friend of mine told me about DU and I started looking at this site and liking it...a lot.
I've been coming here for over 10 years now and it has helped me learn and grow in so many ways.
Now, I come here most every day for all that DU has to offer. And being a gay man has never been
a problem. Lots of support and good karma here. So thanks to all you DUers who have been unselfish
in welcoming me.
My grandparents were shockingly older for the time when they had my mom, their only child together (my grandfather had another son from a previous marriage who was nearly 30 years my mothers senior). They were in their 50's and 40's back in the mid 1940's when she was born. She was a surprise, to say the least. She too, was spoiled.
She was older than you I think, but extremely similar in many ways. They were also Depression survivors, they had an authoritarian streak which ran wide and deep in them. They raised her by their standards from their era, which even though they were Democrats, led to her being the opposite in her youth. This seems odd to me now, but perhaps it's not uncommon? I'm wondering if it may have been a communication problem?
We're from California, and as such my grandfather and grandmother, both were Lockeed (now Lockeed Martin) pensioners, and they despised Reagan. I still remember my mother baiting them with him when I was small and he was running for president. She ultimately didn't vote for him, or Carter, but her mind was definitely a mess back then. Like you, she's come out the other side since, thankfully.
I've never been a Republican. For some odd twist of genetics my empathy runs deep and is hardwired into me. Nature rather than nurture, in an odd twist. According to my mom I've been like this since I developed my personality as a toddler, it's just grown since then. Sadly, it caused strife between us when I was small and I didn't understand why she didn't like me. I didn't realize I was different but I knew she didn't like me. She did her best to burn my empathy out of me, but it's truly too deeply ingrained in my core to avoid. There were some interesting teenage years, to be sure.
Funny aside, I at one point thought you might be a right leaning Latino. I can't for the life of me recall how I came to wonder that, but I know I remember having the thought once.
I'm really happy for you that you worked it all out in your own mind, and I hope you're in a healthier and happier place. Even considering these current bleak times.
"A right leaning Latino". That is hilarious.
I want to impress why I mentioned my impression, and subsequently admitted how wrong it was just a bit more, if you can bear with me?
We project onto others what we know and/or see daily. It's human nature, but it's not always correct. I caught myself shaking my head at myself when I learned a bit more about you.
See? We're all still learning and growing in this messy cluster we call life. 
I am also a privileged White male. Fortunately, my upbringing was dramatically different. I was taught to see the troubles of others at a young age. My parents (though they were Republicans at that time) were Civil Rights activists. My parents switched party in 1969 during the Vietnam war. This happened soon after Nixon's invasion of Cambodia when they both started to see the truth.
I have voted for Democrats all of my life. What I see happening right now really scares me to the core. I see the loss of American democracy. I don't know if the Democrats can stop it. I think the 2020 election will be the most important election of our lifetime and if Trump isn't sent packing dramatically we will likely have lost our democracy. I also feel that if the democratic party tries again with the failed policy of "playing to the center" we are doomed to further dangerous failure. It is past time to take a real stand for the truth and for the common people.
I am sorry to be so depressed and scared. I wish it were not true but 2016 shown us deep trouble that has been stirring in the depths our country for a long time. Trump, while horrible, is only symptom. The Republicans, while horrible, are only a symptom. It is time to stand up for the truth and for the people. If not now, we will have lost and Democracy in America will be an experiment that failed.
I think it would be a nice feature of DU if we had a "story library" where people could share parts or all of their life story. These stories help us all to remain open minded, as well as to better tolerate and deal with right-wingers.
I was raised by fantastic folks that went through the Great Depression in the most difficult ways. With large extended families of farmers and timber folks, they were kind, loving, sharing and very compassionate and I inherited all that. At home, despite many hardships we felt at peace at all times.
Now, at 71, I'm finding the world seems no longer compatible with that type personality, or at least most days it feels that way. Selfishness, self-centeredness mixed with hearty doses of smart-ass seems the norm today. Social media just cranks up the volume and encourages that behavior (I can't use it). Life can be hard on soft-hearted shits like me these days.
My folks raised me strict but I would not call them authoritarian. Our youth back then were expected to follow the rules and always show respect to older people and those with legitimate authority. However, the difference from today is that we also were taught to never worship those we respected, and strangely enough to question the validity of authority. There's a powerful difference between that attitude and the typical conservative personality who is totally blind to any flaw in their authoritarian structures.
I went through a very healthy dose of chemical abuse recovery a number of years back. One of the foundational principles I learned was dragging all my dirty laundry out of the closet and into the sunlight, AND sharing it with other human beings. That is unbelievably healing to the human condition for anyone. Thank you for bringing your story to us.
.. ............
It can be easier in a venue like this where we’re all anonymous to one degree or other.
I acutely (and too painfully) understand your recollections about verbal abuse. My mother was like that, too. To her credit, she never hit me. Did raise her hand a couple of times as though to do so, but she never followed through. As I learned what an abusive father she and her siblings had, and the mother who did nothing to check that horrible behavior of his, I came to understand how deeply wounded she was.
And one can still have that understanding while still thinking of that old saying “sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Like you, I always felt that whoever first came up with that one obviously never met my mother!
I sympathize and empathize. I’m glad you found your way back in, and began discovering what an outstanding resource this site is. I’ve come to view it as an online think tank.
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective, and your amazing journey “into the light.” You’re certainly in the right place to kick ideas and experiences around with others here. We all learn so much, and gain so much thought-provoking enrichment and wisdom from each other.
Welcome back! We’re all the better, being able to learn from your struggle.
sharing your story, MicaelS! That was quite a journey.
Thank you also for your votes for Prez O and HRC! 
I only hope that there are many more who, like you, have enough introspective reflection to change themselves.
But if they haven't changed by NOW - with such flagrant evidence before their eyes and ears on a daily basis - I wonder whether they ever can or will.
Welcome home. We've been waiting for you.
Your posting has given me some much needed insight. Without understanding the temptation is to view MAGA's as less than human, I don't want to do that. I want to see this country heal and progress and understanding each other is the first step towards that goal. Again thank you!!
The next time I post something stupid. BTW, I always enjoy YOUR posts, and learn something every time. Sometimes they get me upset, but then I remember I still have a log ways to go.
Thanks for everything you do. Best wishes always.
