I just learned that my father died in March of 2018.

[MarianJack]

We'd been estranged since February of 1986 and hadn't seen each other or spoken since then. I had recently found out that his brother died in September of last year and I was curious. I finally looked at my equally estranged brother's Facebook page and found the information there.

Don't get me wrong, my father was a lying and philandering rat bastard of a human being. I do not mourn, per se, butI am saddened by the end of the life of a parent, lying shit that he was. He was not a good husband, father or person. He did, however serve his country honorably and bravely in WWII and the Korean War and for that I give him credit. He was a bombardier was nauseous every time he went up in his plane but did his duty and did it well while being shot at by the very same Nazis that Donald Trump refers to as "fine people."

No condolences are needed as he hasn't been a part of my life since 1986. I just felt a need to share. Thank you for reading.

RESIST!

[a kennedy]

1. It sounds like you did find peace in his passing.

[MarianJack]

8. Peace, yes,...

...with a little bit of sadness. It certainly wasn't unexpected since he was 93.

RESIST!

[marble falls]

2. You got a good book there.

[MarianJack]

7. Now if only I weren't too damned lazy to write it.

RESIST!

[marble falls]

9. Do the literary equivilent of eating an elephant.

[MarianJack]

12. OOOH...

...good idea.

RESIST!

[mitch96]

23. My Aunt did the same thing...

Wrote a book about what went on in the family.. She said it was a great catharsis and sold only 10 or 11 copies.. I think it was more about the healing of her heart than selling books.
m

[cynatnite]

3. Condolences nonetheless...

You may not mourn in the traditional sense, but it can still have a profound impact. You take stock and reflect on his life...at least I did when my father died. I hadn't seen him since I was seven and I found out he died three months after the fact. I never cried or anything. It made me think about why he was the way he was. Why he abandoned me and my mother. Why he roamed the country the way he did floating from job to job. There were a lot of questions and it took a while for me to find answers that made sense.

I still wonder if he had other children and I don't know if that question will ever be answered.

Anyway, thank you for sharing.

[MarianJack]

5. I mourn more for what might have been.

Thank you.

RESIST!

[trc]

26. My older brother died several years ago and I could not have cared less.

He was a cruel piece of shit and I bear the physical scars to prove it. That said, when I talked to my sister and mom about his death I had the same response you did...kinda of. For me it was not "what might have been" it was "it did not need to be this way." My brother did not need to be the awful person he was, but that was his choice. The last time I saw him was in 1976 when he told me about a girl he had turned on to drugs and in the same breath mentioned how she had recently died of an overdose. He told me that as we were driving past the house she grew up in. There was no remorse, no guilt, nothing, just an asshole talking shit. So, again, he did not have to be that person, but he made choices...and so did I. You don't have to love someone just because you are related. They have to earn that love, if in no other way than just not being horrible people.

[Bradshaw3]

4. I share some of your history

I wasn't estranged from my late father and he wasn't as bad as what you describe but not that nice of a person and bad father and husband. Like yours, he was an airman, flying as a radioman and gunner in the Pacific in WWII. Flew 39 missions and won the DFC. I always gave him credit for that.

[MarianJack]

6. My father was in Europe,...

...but his brother was in the Pacific, also a bombardier.

RESIST!

[MontanaMama]

10. My condolences to you MarianJack.

Some of us come from crazy circumstances and we can’t choose our parents. Still, loss is loss regardless. Thanks for honoring your father for what he did right. The loss of a parent is complicated.

[MarianJack]

13. Thank you, MontanaMama.

RESIST!

[hlthe2b]

11. There is a finality that impacts everyone--no matter whether you loved them or detested them...

Be at peace.

[MarianJack]

14. Thanks, hithe2b.

I am,

RESIST!

[genxlib]

15. That happened to my wife

Except it was her mother. A nasty drunk who emotionally abused her for years. For thirty years, she tried so hard to earn her mothers love that she just wasn’t capable of giving. She finally just put her out of her life for good.

She found out quite by accident that she had passed away a few years back. It was somewhat surprising because the mother was only in her early fifties. My wife ended up in a surprising amount of grief. She wasn’t grieving the loss of her mother as much as she was grieving the mothering love that she missed out on and would never have the chance to get.

[MarianJack]

16. My father was 93.

Like your wife, I missed the chance to be a son to a dad.

RESIST!

[EndGOPPropaganda]

17. Resist! Peace be with you.

[MarianJack]

21. Thank you.

RESIST!

[Gymbo]

18. I am sorry for your loss

But you need to consider that he may have had PTSD and that might rationalize some of his behavior. Many WWII and Korean War vets missed the opportunity for care and treatment because the science behind PTSD is a relatively recent development.
You might ask relatives if they are still alive whether he had any of the following symptoms.

People may experience:
Behavioral: agitation, irritability, hostility, hypervigilance, self-destructive behavior, or social isolation
Psychological: flashback, fear, severe anxiety, or mistrust
Mood: loss of interest or pleasure in activities, guilt, or loneliness
Sleep: insomnia or nightmares
Also common: emotional detachment or unwanted thoughts

I realize you may not even be connected with people from the past, but there may be an underlying reason for his behavior.

[MarianJack]

20. Thank you, Gymbo

While we're looking back 30+ years, but I don't remember any of those. I'm sure, however, there was trauma after 30 or more missions of being shot at by the Germans.

RESIST!

[Gymbo]

24. It may be meaningless

But it may be worth the trouble. Request his medical records from the service, and from the VA. If he sought help for the condition that he died from, and the VA did not do anything for him, you may be entitled to survivor benefits of $1254 per month, tax-free for life. It's a longshot I know, he may have never even gone to the VA, but a little research may pay off.

[sprinkleeninow]

19. Just good that you shared, that's all. 💙 eom

[MarianJack]

22. Thanks.

RESIST!

[Maru Kitteh]

25. Someday I will find out about my only sister in a similar way. I have a few long-faded

photographs and memories of someone who has not existed for a very long time. When she dies I will mourn the girl in those ephemeral memories of summer laughter and all the potential that was never to be.

She is a miserable, wretched person full of hate, envy and spite. I can't imagine death will come as anything but a relief to such an existence.

So, anyway. I feel ya. It is what it is.

[emmaverybo]

27. So sorry. Our parents, even before we can remember back to, were primary, deep bonds. I am

just guessing that, because in writing of him you do show capacity to feel, love, reflect on his and your life emotionally, he did give you care as a baby. That leaves its imprint.
I was thinking about PTSD, but did not know how to put it. Then I saw how well another poster addressed this very real possibility. You are rightly proud of your father’s great service. He paid for that as have you.
Wayne Dwyer wrote movingly about searching years for the father who had abandoned him and his mother only to find he was dead and could not be vented at or explain. I found comfort in reading his account. Maybe if you can’t write right now, you will find something in reading. If not his story, those of others who have suffered a missing before the final missing.
I hope you allow yourself mourning and accept condolences.
The death of a parent, no matter the quality of their parenting, is a very big deal.
PS. Do pursue with V.A. Also, my dad was a vet, non-combat WWII and I found he had a military gravestone. Maybe mom got him one but I never knew of it. Maybe your dad has one.

[renate]

28. You've been through a lot and have come through as a kind and compassionate person.

It says a lot about you that you give him credit for the good things he did, even while acknowledging the bad.

I am so touched that you shared this discovery with your DU family. (I use the word "family" deliberately, especially in this context. Family is who you share your joys and sorrows with, knowing that people will care.)

[MarianJack]

30. In the movie Nicholas Nickleby from around 2002,...

...Nathan Lane gives a toast near the end where he says that family is not only those with whom we share blood but those for whom we'd shed our own blood. I love that line, which isn't in the book.

Remember in high school English Lit class there was always that one obnoxious kid who liked reading the classics? I was that obnoxious kid. Next to A Tale of Two Cities and just ahead of Great Expectations it's one of my favorite Dickens books.

Thank you for your sharing, renate.

RESIST!

[Raine]

29. Sad family situation but I know how

it is. My mother's family was horrid they physically and verbally abused her, stole everything from her. We had nothing do with them, 40 years passed with no contact. My mother died, they didnt know because we didn't tell inform them. A year or so back I looked to see if any were still around, they're all dead except for some cousins ... left me with an odd feeling. I wish things could've heen different but they weren't.

[MarianJack]

31. I have no relationships with any of my blood relatives.

I've taken my wife's family as my own.

It's an improvement.

RESIST!

[Bluesaph]

32. This touched my heart

24 years ago I joined a cult and took my baby sister with me. I was in for only four years. But when I left she refused to come along. She is a true believer to this day and shuns me to this day. I was ten when she was born. I ran home from school every day to hold her and play with her. We shared a room while growing up. We used to crawl into the same bed to cuddle. I miss her. But she’s a different person. Someday one of us will die. And the other will live on to feel the pain of what could have been.

[MarianJack]

34. What could have been.

Perhaps the saddest concept of all.

RESIST!

[Hortensis]

33. I understand your mixed feelings.

I suspect my long-estranged half sister may have died. I wasn't notified and I'm thinking I should try to find out. She was a frequently ill-tempered and cruel woman and hurt my feelings every time we tried to get together, and our thinking always seemed to be along nonintersecting lines, but she had facets that were somewhat admirable. We were far apart in age and brought up separately, but she's part of my life even if she isn't, and her death will diminish me.

[MarianJack]

35. Many of my thoughts...

...are expressed in your answer. Thank you.

RESIST!