Link Found Between Gun Violence and Cowardly Politicians (Borowitz)

[Stonepounder]

https://bit.ly/2Z7F1lx

Link Found Between Gun Violence and Cowardly Politicians

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—There is a “significant link” between gun violence and cowardly politicians, a new study from the University of Minnesota asserts. The study, which is raising eyebrows with its startling conclusions, finds that the most reliable predictor of gun violence is the “prevalence of quiveringly fearful politicians in positions of power.”

As part of the study’s methodology, researchers examining gun violence compared countries ruled by non-cowards with those ruled by gutless toadies. “In countries ruled by non-cowards, such as New Zealand, gun violence is virtually nonexistent,” the study claims.

While the study’s authors paint a bleak picture of nations with “coward-rich” leadership, they offer a recommendation to remedy this dire state of affairs.

“While censoring movies or video games would have no measurable effect on gun violence, major strides can be made by replacing cowards in government with non-cowards,” the study suggests, noting that this theory could be tested as early as 2020.

[jimmy the one]

1. not the onion, but parody parity

Hey, 'Not the Onion' is spot on, but misleading. This is the one I liked best:

Putin Denies Mitch McConnell Is Russian Asset: “He Has Never Been an Asset to Any Country”
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/putin-denies-mitch-mcconnell-is-russian-asset-he-has-never-been-an-asset-to-any-country

near entirety: “You can scour the four corners of the globe, and you will not find a nation that would ever in a million years consider Mitch McConnell an asset,” Putin said.
The Russian President urged pundits who have called McConnell a Russian asset “to look up the word ‘asset’ in the dictionary.”
“You will find that ‘asset’ means a useful or valuable thing,” Putin said. “The only part of that definition that fits McConnell is ‘thing.’ ”

Pressing his case further, he said that it was debatable whether McConnell was even an asset to his home state of Kentucky. “Maybe compared to Rand Paul he is, but that’s setting the bar ludicrously low,” he said.
Concluding his remarks, Putin said that people who ask, “Who does Mitch McConnell work for?” are asking the wrong question. “The question should be ‘When has Mitch McConnell ever worked?’ ” he said.

Thanks Andy Borowitz, keep up the good work!