Hey, 'Not the Onion' is spot on, but misleading. This is the one I liked best:
Putin Denies Mitch McConnell Is Russian Asset: He Has Never Been an Asset to Any Country
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/putin-denies-mitch-mcconnell-is-russian-asset-he-has-never-been-an-asset-to-any-country
near entirety: You can scour the four corners of the globe, and you will not find a nation that would ever in a million years consider Mitch McConnell an asset, Putin said.
The Russian President urged pundits who have called McConnell a Russian asset to look up the word asset in the dictionary.
You will find that asset means a useful or valuable thing, Putin said. The only part of that definition that fits McConnell is thing.
Pressing his case further, he said that it was debatable whether McConnell was even an asset to his home state of Kentucky. Maybe compared to Rand Paul he is, but thats setting the bar ludicrously low, he said.
Concluding his remarks, Putin said that people who ask, Who does Mitch McConnell work for? are asking the wrong question. The question should be When has Mitch McConnell ever worked? he said.
Thanks Andy Borowitz, keep up the good work!