Unbeknownst to me, we ate dinner at a republican's

[mrs_p]

house yesterday. Not just any republican either, but a former top aid to a top politician in this state. I figured it out this morning when I looked up their last name in the school directory to send the thank you card. They are the parents of my daughter’s new best friend.

We are recent arrivals to this very red state. Football was on the TV (not fox) and there were no other clues (like at my father’s house where pictures of Reagan are prominently displayed). Talk was mostly superficial so I truly had no idea. Politics never came up and we had a good time.

This friendship means a lot to my kiddo and I will do my best not to talk about anything deeper than the weather, though I probably won’t be able to bite my tongue if they ever start in with the usual repub talking points. I’m a little sad. But most people are republicans here so chances were high we would need to begin friendships with the “other.”

Heading to the treadmill for an hour, but I’ll check back in to read any advice for going forward.

[hlthe2b]

1. to keep things quiescent, you might want to ask your son/daughter not to discuss your political view

(s) with kids at school. Have the talk about sensitive areas of discussion in social settings.

[mrs_p]

9. Yes, this is something we do

Regularly as we are also not religious in one of the most churches per capita places. Her other best friend back in our last home is Israeli so she picked up calling me ima.

Thank you for your thoughts.

[Hekate]

47. I notice downthread you say your daughter is 8. What I did when my very social daughter ...

...was being recruited by Evangelicals at pizza parties at the public school (seriously; but if I recall correctly it was presented as a "club" with a "youth leader" ) was to join the local Unitarian Universalist Church. UUA.org for further info.

My husband, the kids' stepdad, is Jewish, and though I have sojourned through a few Christian denominations, I was raised by ex-Catholics. Not lapsed, ex.

Anyway, the UUs are liberal. Their values aligned closely with ours. And I figured that when my daughter was pressed to name "which church" she belonged to, she could at least say "that one," and would have some basis of comparison. It's not a new denomination, if that matters. I think it started about 500 years ago, and Americans like Thomas Jefferson and Louisa May Alcott were UUs.

That sounds dry, but I felt it urgently. We live in a pretty liberal region, but the Evangelicals evangelize, and to say I disagree with their overall worldview is putting it mildly.

As for friends and neighbors, we were fortunate to be settled in a neighborhood of kindly people. During political seasons, I did dueling yard signs with my next-door neighbor, and I'm sure he prayed for my immortal soul. I refused to discuss my views with him, is all. He fed our chickens when we were out of town. Our son became his assistant soccer coach when he was 13. Over the years, I discovered who did agree with me, and that was fine. I let my affiliations speak for me. I wish you such good fortune in your new location.

Back to the UUs -- when I finally had time to start volunteering for causes that interested me, I discovered that two groups were always represented out of all proportion to their actual population: Jews and Unitarians. Yes, social justice.

Back to mothering: my ex-Catholic mother gave a lot of thought to what she felt was valuable about her upbringing and what she wanted to pass on. And she came up with Ethics -- and the Golden Rule, and the teachings have been very valuable indeed. It sounds to me like you are on that path and are doing just fine.

[braddy]

52. Jefferson was Episcopalian I believe and Alcott was a also not a UU, I think.

[Hekate]

53. Four American presidents, Dorothea Dix, Louisa May Alcott...

http://uucch.org/famous-uus

Unitarianism (one God, not three) and Universalism (Universal salvation, not predestination to damnation except for the elect) were not always conjoined, but became so, and in 19th century Boston especially there was some crossover with Transcendentalism.

[braddy]

55. Do you have better sources than that?

[Hekate]

57. Be my guest and enjoy the research

[Loki Liesmith]

2. This is madness.

You might think you had dinner at a leper colony from the sound of things.

If they are not obviously MAGA, there’s a reasonable chance they are decent people who just happen to have a disagreement with you regarding governmental services and their funding levels and sources.

[retread]

4. "...reasonable chance..." Given the op states it is a "very red state" and given the state of

the modern Republican party there is NO chance they are not, at the very least, people who countenance taking babies from their mothers and putting them in cages.

[beachbumbob]

6. funny as many republicans hold same negative feelings about democrats and liberals, what set

us apart is a thing called tolerance. No one can argue and change the mind of of an ideologue so why argue when its about a social situation? Talk weather, talk Cowboys suck,,,,

[uncle ray]

19. there is a greater than zero chance they are decent people.

meanwhile you are 100% peddling Putin's divisive propaganda. let's work to stop putin's influence, then we can get back to partisan bickering. our enemies right now are Putin, Trump, and the Congressional Republicans. we need republican voters as our allies in this fight.

[MrsCoffee]

62. Oh please.

Don’t spit on real allies to defend conservatives you have fooled yourself into believing will be with you in this fight. Republicans are not your allies and the OP was not about Republican voters, it was about state Republicans.

That nasty swipe at a DUer makes your plea to reach out to conservatives seem very hollow.

[StopTheNeoCons]

5. There are NO republicans that are decent people

The party they suppoort and vote for are among the most destructive and dangerous people on earth and they should be shunned by decent people.

[napi21]

54. You know you're mistaken on such a generalization, don't you? Through no choice of my own,

my son's in-laws are al Pubs, so are my neighbors. With my son's family, we don't see each other very often. Most of them are nice, friendly people and we never talk about politics. Subject just never comes up. I wouldn't even know but my son told me because he knows my opinions. My neighbors are great people and we help each other out quite often. We have gotten into a few political exchanges over the years. The last time was when DT pulled our troops out of Siria abandoning the Kurds, and I was pissed. My neighbor stated DT's words..."We never committed to stay there forever!" I responded that I understood and it wasn't WHAT he did, but HOW he did it. I believe he could have quietly, through our military, told the Kurds so they had time to prepare for our departure, not do it without warning like he did! Believe it or not, my neighbors agreed.

Al I'm saying is not ALL Pubs are rotten people, and for the sake of OUR OWN life, it's better to get along.

[DFW]

58. Interesting thing about the abandoning of the Kurds in Syria

A speech plus Q&A was held in Düsseldorf with two former members of the House. One was a Democrat from Texas and the other was someone I had never met but was prepared to hate: Barbara Comstock, a Teabag Republican from northern Virginia.

When it was my turn to pose a question, I asked something to which I knew the Democrat's answer already, but wanted to hear Comstock wiggle and squirm her way to a rationalization. I asked if either of them could provide any justification whatsoever for abandoning the Kurds in Syria. BOTH of them answered firmly, and without hesitation: "NO!" No longer in office, she no longer felt any need, I presume, to tow the party line and lie about something she found wrong, but was unwilling to speak out in public.

I think intimidation from the Republican party leadership plays a bigger role than we think when it comes to their monolithic voting habits. Maybe even some Republican Senators would show a little spine if they didn't have Moscow Mitch McTurtle looking over their shoulder, threatening to withhold funding, or even hinting at support for a primary opponent if they don't tow his line.

[napi21]

59. I'm sure you're right about threats of primary opponents. DT even said he's do that. I don't

care about the Pub intimidation. I would think, at some point, the Pubs would just say, "it's just too much! We've overlooked and ignored all the wrong things DT has done up to now, but I'm done!" If enough of them opted to vote their beliefs, even DT & MMc couldn't do anything. If there are enough members turn against the threats, they'd prevail.

[mrs_p]

10. I've spent a considerable time at a

Leper colony, actually, and would have no problem having dinner there. 😊

MAGA predominates in these parts so I wouldn’t be surprised if they are. But it makes me anxious as I couldn’t honestly think of them as good people if they agree with putting children in cages, banning Muslims and refugees, Trump’s corruption, etc.

Trump has totally taken over the Republican Party. What was once disagreements on the role of government has become so deeply personal. Especially since they want a civil war if they don’t get their way.

Thank you for your thoughts.

[Hekate]

56. You did? That sounds like a whole story in itself.

Hope to hear it someday.

[Tipperary]

29. No kidding.

Last I checked this was a free country and people are not forced to be one party only.

[mrs_p]

34. Nope they aren't.

But they are high in the Republican Party of this state, have been on the national stage dissing Democrats, and I can only assume agree with Trump presently.

Not everyone has to believe like me, but I also don’t have to be friends with everyone.

We are strangers in a strange land and I am just trying to navigate it.

[LanternWaste]

64. Is anyone arguing otherwise?

I've seen no explicit or implicit sentiments expressed which support the fictional point you're arguing against.

Last I checked, yelling at the rain doesn't work.

[pnwmom]

35. Nobody who still supports Trump just happens to have a reasonable disagreement.

We are way beyond that. Any intelligent, informed person who still supports him has made a conscious decision to support him because they think they will personally gain, despite his threat to so many vulnerable people, and to our democracy itself.

They are supporting him even though 17 agencies of government said the Russians interfered in the election -- and yet the Rs refuse to secure our election.
They are supporting him even though he is promoting climate-denialism, which is threatening the future of the planet.
They are supporting him even though they knows he flagrantly lies every day.
And on and on and on.

There is nothing "reasonable" about ay of these positions. They defy reason.

[Progressive Jones]

49. Thank You. It's my experience that not all GOP people are right wing freaks.

In my extended family, there are several Republicans, none of whom are whackos.
A sister-in-law to my sister has worked for two GOP governors in our state, and has held a state office.
She's a completely normal person. She's a fiscal conservative. Say the name Trump around her,
and her eyes bug out while steam shoots out of her ears. LOL.

[LanternWaste]

63. Odd that. You both infer and advertise a melodrama not there; and in doing so...

become guilty of the very thing you chide others for.

[vlyons]

3. You don't state your daughter's age

So whatever is age oppropriate seems like a good place to start talking to her about your own values. Teach her basics of tolerance, patience, compassion, fairness, and honesty.

[mrs_p]

12. Yes, thank you.

She is 8. We talk about these things a lot. And to accept and love everyone.

I appreciate your advice.

[luvtheGWN]

33. There's a song from "South Pacific" called

"You have to be Carefully Taught". For those of you who don't recall, it's about intolerance between races, and how racism is generally learned at home.

So, conversely, it's up to all of us to carefully teach (anyone who will listen, of any age) that we humans are the same under our skin, and that the only social construct that keeps us going is kindness and generosity of heart.

When your daughter hears any of her schoolmates espousing Trumpian talking points, she will know automatically that it's wrong. Teach her to speak up. We CAN change the world, one strong person at a time (think Greta Thunberg).

[CaptYossarian]

7. As I read these "Us vs. Them" comments, I picture McCain's thumb's down

gesture on what turned out to be one of his most important votes in a very long career.

I'm also grateful he didn't have any bone spurs either.

We need to look hard to find decent Repubs today. Obviously, some are embarrassed and outraged by Trump, but are afraid of being primaried by the new breed of freakozoid nutjob that is slithering out there.

Part of what got us here today was the number of Dems that stayed home in 2016 because of propaganda and collusion. If 75,000 more people in 3 states had gotten off their asses and voted, there would be no Trump, no 6-3 Supreme Court, no kids in cages, etc. The climate would be taken seriously and we could hold our heads up again.

The people who hosted this gathering may also be embarrassed enough by Trump that politics was the last thing they wanted to discuss. Or--their daughter had already told them about the poster's views and they were being polite hosts.

I know I'll be ripped for being diplomatic.

[mrs_p]

13. Thank you for your words.

Being diplomatic is the only way to survive personally and professionally here.

For perspective, this is the fifth state I’ve lived in. The other four are all very liberal and wealthy with large urban centers. The biggest city in this state is 100k and there is lots of poverty.

[Dennis Donovan]

8. I hope you crossed out "thank" and wrote "fuck"

Kidding, of course - good for you on sending a thank you!

[mrs_p]

14. Thank you for the feedback

And chuckle.

[Bluethroughu]

11. Tell your daughter, and show your daughter

That you can stand up for what you believe in. I live in a Democratic state, yet a very very red county. My son is half hispanic, in a 98% white district. We are Blue through and through. On the first day of 7th grade, when we moved here, the teacher in social studies asked the kids to line up on opposite sides of the room, if you believe immigrants should be able to stay in America or should they be forced to leave. My son stood alone, and told his new peers why he believed they should be allowed to stay.
He is one of the most popular kids in school, all the kids parents say he is their favorite friend of their child. He is a freshman now.

He explains his point of view to the parents, when asked or when anything of substance is discussed. These people need another point of view, they need to hear something other than a talking point fed to them. Indepth discussions from even a young mind, can help make a difference IN THE LONG RUN. I'm looking at this as a forever social project.

One of my son's best friends has a trump sticker on his phone. His dad is a police officer, a nice man, and his son believes trump is creating policies that support his dad and our country from "the bad" people. My son will discuss how those policies are hurting people, and how it is not making things safer. They are a proud family that believe and were taught, obedience is respect and patriotic. My son is countering that with, through criticism and protest a more perfect union can be made, and we are all patriotic to care enough to discuss and fix our issues. It's the old saying, a democracy is only as good as it treats their dissidents.

[mrs_p]

16. Your son is so brave and inspiring.

Thank you for sharing. I love your perspective.

[Raftergirl]

15. Be grateful

politics didn’t come up.

I once went on a rant about evil Republicans when my son and his friend stopped by on their way back to college from a trip to Montreal over Oct. break right before the 2012 election.

When the friend was out of the room for a minute he said, “Mom, you know B’s grandfather is Warren Rudman.” He said he told me but I would definitely have remembered. I was so embarrassed. Then a few weeks later Sen. Rudman died and I felt really horrible.

I don’t ever bring up my hatred of R’S to anyone I don’t know well anymore. And I live in a solid blue state in a blue district in a blue town.

[mrs_p]

17. Goodness. I'm sorry.

I would also be so embarrassed. Though the story is a little bit funny - as a lesson on best to be reserved in mixed company.

[wryter2000]

24. I'm with you

Obviously, this Republican can have a nice party without politics. I'd continue as you have. However, I'd ask your child to let you know if they ever talk politics so you counteract anything false they ever say in front of the child.

[DeminPennswoods]

18. Couple of my neighbors are Rs

but there are things we have in common outside of national politics. If an area of disagreement comes up, I try to be respectful when presenting my view.

[mrs_p]

20. I get so tongue tied and passionate

That I sound like an idiot when I try to talk politics. I also have to be careful what I say for my professional career as this is a small city.

Thanks for your suggestion on finding then things we have in common which is obviously love for our children and bringing them up to be kind and generous.

[DeminPennswoods]

23. Things like

pets, sports, depending on the age, the challenges of being a care-giver.

[Perseus]

21. I have a golfing body who is a staunch republican, and one day we had a very hard argument

After the argument, which happened while we were playing 18 holes and the the fact that our minds were not in the game showed on the scorecard, lousy score of course, we sat drinking a beer on the 19th hole very quietly, and we had this quiet moment for about 20 minutes, no one said anything, until we decided that we would never again talk politics if we wanted to keep the friendship.

I know many people will think that if we are friends then why can't we have a civilized conversation about politics? Well, as we all know very well, politics brings the best and the worst of us, most of us become very intense when we try to support out political views, so if you value the friendship just ignore the political talk, change the topic immediately, its not that difficult. A fact that we all must know and understand is that "they are not going to convince you that trump is great" and "you are not going to open their eyes to the fact that trump is a pile of crap.", so why go at it?

My friend moved but we are still in touch and try to play once a year with a group of friends, when we get together there is no political talk, its not as difficult as we think. Its very easy to say "Sorry but I just don't keep up with politics, can we change the subject?"

[mrs_p]

27. Thank you for sharing

Obviously your friendship is very important and worth salvaging despite your differences.

[eleny]

22. I wonder if they were aware of your leanings and kept dinnertime neutral

That would be a good sign.

[LeftInTX]

26. That's what I was thinking

[mrs_p]

31. Possibly

I’m with the university and my bio alone screams west coast liberal elite.

Thank you.

[littlemissmartypants]

25. All I can advocate is to be a uniter and not a divider.

Sounds like you already know that. ❤

[Laffy Kat]

28. I am of two minds on this.

I understand how important it is for our children not only to be accepted and have friends but to respect other peoples' opinions and politics. OTOH, I remind myself about the anti-Semitism in Germany pre-WWI and how many "kind, regular" people either supported Nazi rhetoric or looked the other way. There are definitely parallels. Today, as we go about our business, the GOP is ripping babies from mothers' arms and placing children in concentration camps. I have a difficult time getting past that.

[mrs_p]

32. Yes, I feel this too.

If they said something horrible or tried to make my kiddo religious (we are recovering Catholics and they are practicing), I would have to step in. Thank you for your perspective. My daughter’s other best friend is Jewish and she has been introduced to some of these concepts.

[pnwmom]

38. If they are practicing Catholics you might want to pay attention to things Pope Francis says .

They must not be. He has the traditional Catholic viewpoint on issues of immigrants and the poor.

If you ever can't bite your tongue, you could mildly quote him.

[Laffy Kat]

50. Yes, the Pope has strong feelings about what the U.S. is doing to migrants. nt

[empedocles]

30. Some longtime friends like to do a lot of cruise ship expeditions.

The friend are quiet Dems, but regret the partisanship of the times, loss of conviviality - and have greatly reduced the cruises.

[pnwmom]

36. My sister lives in such a place. She just has a firm policy never, ever to discuss politics,

and shuts it off the second it begins. It seems to work . . . for her. I don't know if I could do it, though.

[cwydro]

40. I live in a red county too.

I have no idea what the politics of my neighbors might be, except for one fellow - a black gentleman who makes it clear he supports the shitgibbon.

I told him I most certainly didn’t, and he asked me “why don’t you like ‘Mr. Trump?’ at that point, I politely told him I didn’t think we could come to an agreement on the issue. We laughed and moved on, and I thanked him for helping me find one of my dogs that day, which he had done.

I don’t let politics come between me and good relationships.

[KY_EnviroGuy]

37. United we stand, divided we fall. That's all.

I never discuss politics with anyone I know is a Republican because there's about 99% it will turn into an argument. Instead, I try to demonstrate to those folks that Democrats are not the demons that Rethug media has painted us as being for the last 40 or so years. Patience, tolerance and love (PTL) should be our mantra.

I hope you can steer your daughter in those directions and that she will not yield to peer pressure (especially from social media) and start drinking the right-wing Kool-Aid. We simply cannot be with our children 24/7, but we can hope our way of doing things has the dominant appeal to their personalities.

Best of luck!......

[duhneece]

39. I live in a red, red county

May I suggest that you find the local Democratic Party and start attending meetings.... maybe get involved with them. Being with folks who see things similarly will help you maintain your sanity.

[WinstonSmith4740]

41. Not all Republicans are bat shit crazy.

Today, a lot are, but there are still pockets of reasonable, thoughtful people. I'll bet your new friend is one. Think about it...Fox wasn't on TV (big clue), no pictures or posters, no lawn signs or flags, and politics wasn't brought up. He's probably that 10% of Republicans who's brain cells still rub together. He's just underground. If he were a true believer, something would have been said or done to see where you stood, or to "trigger" you, which I believe is one of their favorite things.

I'd say let your daughter enjoy her new friendship, but keep the lines of communication open for signs of "talking points." But my guess is if politics ever does come up, you'll have more in common than you think.

[Doodley]

42. The thing to do is to find common ground. Say to a Republican that you

don't think convicted war criminals should be pardoned and they will find it hard to disagree. Say that you don't think that the deficit should be a trillion dollars and rising and they will find it hard to disagree. Say you don't think that children should be without healthcare and they will find it hard to disagree.

[handmade34]

43. for your daughter's sake

you must take the high road...

I self isolate when in a Republican area (house, event, state, etc) where civility is a must ...the way I see it, right now politics is everything (our health, the air we breathe, the water we drink, the rights of minorities, women's rights, gun violence, the health of public lands, education, etc.) and I am absolutely disgusted with people that support Republicans and with the Republicans that have the power to do something about the inequality existing in our Country today, and don't...

I didn't used to feel that way... I had friends that were Republican and could carry on a decent conversation... that doesn't happen anymore because the price we are paying is too high

I commend you for your decency

[Cattledog]

44. We are everywhere, even in the reddest of red states.

Go to a local Democratic meeting to make some progressive friends.

[IcyPeas]

45. has a picture of Reagan in the house....

just curious how many people have pictures of any president in their house.

I remember my Aunt had a picture of JFK in her house but it was a signed picture at least.

[mrs_p]

46. Haha. My pops has Reagan and

The Bushes. He is retired military. We are estranged but not because of his politics. He’s a horrid abusive drunk.

[Nature Man]

51. My grandfather had a picture of FDR in his house.

[mnhtnbb]

60. My mother had a picture of Reagan

on the wall in her kitchen back in the 80's. Made me want to hurl when I'd go home to visit. I don't remember seeing it when they downsized to another house in the 90's. She passed in 2000, but my dad was all in for W until he passed in 2002. They were both life long Republicans and my brother is, too. He and his wife are both Trumpsters and both very greedy people. The wife is a phony Christian, too.

[SMC22307]

48. Stop buying into the two tribes mentality.

We had Rs, Dems, flaming libs, and a couple of indies at our dinner yesterday and had a wonderful time. Even if they bring up Repub talking points, address them. What good is not communicating with one other doing anyone?

[uponit7771]

61. On the people level true, on the ellected official level Rs are not interested in democracy as a ...

... party any longer.