Sometimes it takes a White Person

[qwlauren35]

Last edited Sun Feb 9, 2020, 08:58 PM - Edit history (1)

I have a relative on Facebook who has racist friends. Every once in a while, he posts something about racism, and his racist friends rush to justify it. Most recently, he posted something about Rush Limbaugh's racist comments. A woman quickly explained that they were hyperbole and taken out of context. That she had been listening to Limbaugh for 30 years, that he participated in a lot of charitable activities, and that he deserved the Medal of Freedom.

I called her racist. She said she wasn't. I told her to ask my white cousin (in-law). She said it was between her and her God, and she didn't need to ask anyone. Major denial.

All that to say, sometimes it takes a white person to tell another white person that they are racist. And sometimes, if it's a friend, it is hard. Sometimes if it is a close relative it is hard. Sometimes if you value the relationship, it is hard.

So I ask you. Can you do it when it's hard? Have you done it? What happened? Were you able to save the relationship?

I am not asking the people who reject racists and cut them off. Just the people who have racists in their inner circle.

[Yeehah]

1. They already know they are racists but won't admit it.

My solution is to stay away from racists and assholes in general, as much as possible.

[Merlot]

2. Calling someone in denial a racist isn't helpful

Pointing out how something they've said could be considered racist usually gives them at least a pause.

I also find that making a joke about how what they've said is racist ("Dude, racist!) works. My goal is not to change them as much as make them aware of how they sound.

Sometimes you have to be around racists. Making sure they don't spew the racist crap in my presence is my only priority. If they say it and I'm silent, I'm complicit.

[Dan]

3. One of the best books that I have read on the subject

Is “White Fragility”, really a good book.

[WhiskeyGrinder]

4. It's much better for white people to tell other white people they're saying racist things or acting

in racist ways. It takes the burden off BIPOC and can be more effective toward getting white people to change their behaviors.

Calling someone a racist isn't helpful, because most white people think "being a racist" means wearing a MAGA hat and burning crosses. Identifying a behavior or phrase that's racist and talking can be more helpful.

[Ferrets are Cool]

5. Hell, I've told my mother she is being racist...

gently of course, and with exasperation, but I still had to do it. Age is no excuse.

[MontanaMama]

6. I've found that it's more productive

and powerful to point out a belief system, statement or policy as being racist than calling a person racist. Unless they’re a MAGAt...then all bets are off.

[ismnotwasm]

7. I was born to racists

Raised as a racist. No it’s not hard, once you’ve learned to root out racism in yourself, and if the other party cares enough. My father was an asshole, and he died with most of his friend and family wanting nothing to do with him. My mother has moderated her views, and is no longer actively racist. Good thing since my brothers wife is Filipina and his kids are brown.

My BILs and his family, who actually have good qualities, stopped talking racist shit in front of me. Stopped talking politics. We limit our interaction, but they know if they want to see us, saying racist crap is out. I didn’t change their beliefs, but we made them understand it was not acceptable and they won’t be in our lives. They choose to put family first. The last three or four interaction with them have been fun and pleasant. About once a year.

[Squinch]

8. After you do it five or six times, it stops being hard. My go to phrase, "Gosh! Aren't you the

racist dickhead?"

Always the answer is, "I am NOT!"

My answer, "Well, you'll do until one comes along."

With a closer friend who was complaining about people taking a knee, my response was, "I'm totally supportive of them. I wish I was into sports so I could do it with them."

"Why?" she said.

"Because I think people should be able to go out for a quart of milk without being shot to death."

She was quiet after that.

[Bluesaph]

9. There are ways to say it that are more effective

Example 1.

Friend re death of a rapper: well there’s one less rapper out there as she shrugs.

Me: one less black artist to worry about.

Her: 🤔

Example 2.

Friend re Trump “being Trump”: oh he’s not racist. He just needs to shut up sometimes is all...

Me: Yeah, I guess you’re right. I mean brown kids in cages isn’t his policy or anything. It’s just him being too vocal.

Her: Obama did it...

Me: Poor brown babies. Wonder if that makes them feel better...

Her: 🤔

After about three instances of this she has now begun to check herself (at least around me).

[panader0]

10. This white guy has done it many times.

Most of these people remain friends, although they are well aware of my
condemnation of their beliefs. A few are musicians and I say "You know where that
music came from don't you?". For some, it's the way they were raised.
No one is born a racist.

[Bluesaph]

11. Sometimes they don't even know it

Yesterday my liberal son in law said a joke about Asians:

Me: Whyyyy would you say that?!!!!

Him: embarrassed ... sorry mom I didn’t know you would hear me. I was joking.

Me: about a race? Do I lack a sense of humor?

Him: no. It wasn’t funny. Sorry.

[Mike 03]

12. I did do this twice, and it was extremely uncomfortable, especially the first time

It was actually my fiance, and she was a very good person, and this took me by complete surprise, and I have a vague recollection of what she said. In the years we'd been together I'd never heard her say anything like this. She was stereotyping Black people as being more likely to commit crimes, but not in those words. I remember a little flash of anger and disappointment. I didn't tell her, I just asked, "Whoa, are you a racist?" The words just flew out of my mouth without time to think about it. She looked shocked (not angry) and then she asked me back, "Am I a racist?" or "Was that racist?" I could tell she was thinking about what had just happened. She wasn't defensive. We were both just shocked. I said, "I don't know, but that sounded racist" but I likely softened it by saying something like, "Just something to think about." It was a shocking moment for both of us, because my words just came out of my mouth before I could stop them. There was no thinking, it just couldn't be stopped. Everything completely stopped for a few moments. Slowly things went back to normal but I never heard her make another disparaging comment about African Americans.

We were both in our twenties. Today I would handle a situation like that with more care. But I just remember being so shocked by what she said, even though nowadays you hear worse on right wing radio.

Just thinking about it now is upsetting.

The second case, this was a friend I met working at an animal shelter, and she wrote me an email ranting about a Jewish friend of hers. They were actually good friends but out of the blue this friend asked me, "Don't you think there's some truth to the fact Jewish people are greedy and selfish with money" or some garbage like that. I just replied that she was being anti-semitic and that I didn't believe Jewish people were greedier than anybody else. I didn't hear from her for a few days.

The first incident was more upsetting because we were so close and because it was face to face without any time to think about what I was going to say.

[Aristus]

14. Being raised in the South shouldn't be used as an excuse.

My whole family was raised in the South, and although my grandparents were racist, my mother very much is not.

Once, when I was little, I repeated to her a joke I heard on the playground at school. I had no idea it was racist, but my mother was furious when I told her the punchline, and told me never to talk like that again, and the reasons why not.

She transcended her upbringing and raised me and my brother and sister right.

[Mike 03]

15. Of course.

I'll edit it out, but you had to know her a little bit. That actually is a part of her story, and how she saw things.

[Blue_true]

13. I stopped one of my brothers in his tracks when he called an ethnic group names.

I stunned him, but he listened to my lecture and he has not done that shit again. The sad thing is he regularly deals with people from that group and didn't seem to have a problem, so his language shocked me.

[cwydro]

16. It is NOT the Medal of Honor.

It was the Medal of Freedom.

Huge difference.

Cannot believe how many keep making this mistake. I’ve seen it on CNN as well.

The Medal of Honor is the highest military award there is, frequently awarded posthumously for that reason, given the difficulty in earning it.

The Medal of Freedom is NOT that. Estée Lauder was awarded one, Ellen DeGeneres, Warren Buffet, etc.

[Aristus]

17. Yeah, and even with Trump's approval, Rush Limbaugh and his anal cyst could never get

the Medal of Honor, because the decoration has to be approved by Congress. Not likely they're going to do that for a guy who never served, no matter how backward this country has otherwise become.

[cwydro]

18. Exactly.

I’m too knackered from a long day to look up the wording, but I think it’s awarded for conspicuous bravery and service beyond the call of duty kind of thing.

One has to have served to receive that honor.

[Aristus]

20. No, I think that's the exact wording.

[qwlauren35]

19. I will fix it.

Sorry.

[Dem2theMax]

21. I wouldn't want to save the relationship.

And I don't. I won't let people like that in my life. Hate has no place in my world.

Sometimes I am forced to deal with someone who is racist, or a bigot or a homophobe. You name it.
I do only what is absolutely necessary and then excuse myself from their presence.

If it is a friend who all of a sudden shows their true colors? They are no longer my friend.
Same for family. I don't have anything to do with them.

And I do call people out on it. And they always deny it. Never fails. They refuse to see the ugliness inside themselves.