You're Not Listening. Here's Why.
I think this is a good Valentine's Day gift. I enjoy learning about biases. This is one that should be obvious to us, but calling it out as a bias could be very helpful and conducive to having better and even more enjoyable relationships overall, from family to friendships to love.
Simply being aware of this bias can make it stand out and get you to tune into your others and not just your bias. If there are any remedies for the increasing amount of alienation in our culture, this just may be one of them. It makes for a good chat about the subject in order to initiate a fresh way of listening with those close to you. You can then extend that in your own social circle and beyond.
Happy Valentines Day! Wishing lots of love and good fortune to all my fellow DUers.
There’s an unconscious tendency to tune out people you feel close to because you think you already know what they are going to say.
You’re not listening!” “Let me finish!” “That’s not what I said!” After “I love you,” these are among the most common refrains in close relationships. During my two years researching a book on listening, I learned something incredibly ironic about interpersonal communication: The closer we feel toward someone, the less likely we are to listen carefully to them. It’s called the closeness-communication bias and, over time, it can strain, and even end, relationships.
Once you know people well enough to feel close, there’s an unconscious tendency to tune them out because you think you already know what they are going to say. It’s kind of like when you’ve traveled a certain route several times and no longer notice signposts and scenery.
But people are always changing. The sum of daily interactions and activities continually shapes us, so none of us are the same as we were last month, last week or even yesterday.
The closeness-communication bias is at work when romantic partners feel they don’t know each other anymore or when parents discover their children are up to things they never imagined.
It can occur even when two people spend all their time together and have many of the same experiences.
https://www.nytimes.com/2020/02/11/well/family/listening-relationships-marriage-closeness-communication-bias.html
(oh, and thanks to everyone who gave me a heart. I enjoyed them all!)
