Average Life Expectancy Increases To 18.2 Years For Americans Who Go Out Like Fucking Legends

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON—Calling the data encouraging for all groups of U.S. badasses, a new CDC report published Tuesday found that the average life expectancy for Americans who go out like fucking legends has increased to 18.2 years.

“Our data revealed that total gods who shotgun a beer before doing a backflip off their buddy’s rooftop are now, on average, living 0.3 years longer than past generations,” said lead researcher Nancy Remis, explaining that regardless of race, gender, or geographic location, more absolute kings who go out in a blaze of glory while drunkenly attempting to clear a rocky gulch on a motorcycle are often living 14 weeks longer than previous hardcore motherfuckers.

“The total fucking legends who are saying adios to this world after going 130 mph while drag racing in their dad’s Acura on a slick country road are surviving just past their 18th birthday, thanks to improved medical care and faster resuscitation attempts. This is an excellent sign for all the heroes out there planning on surfing during a hurricane or playing chicken with a high-speed train.”

The report also revealed the average life expectancy of boring-ass losers, who just do what they told, remained steady at 78.6 years.

https://www.theonion.com/report-average-life-expectancy-increases-to-18-2-years-1841770663

[5X]

1. I know its the Onion, but

that just means they are stupider later in life or the stupid lasts longer.

[Sloumeau]

2. ROFL nt

[democratisphere]

3. Oh. I need to pickup my base jumping wing suit from the dry cleaners. Thanks for the reminder.

[tiredtoo]

4. Nice retort Zorro, thanks. NT

[ProudMNDemocrat]

5. I am going to go out a Legend as well.

On my tombstone, it will read...:."SHE LIVED LIFE ON HER TERMS"

People know me as "That Costume Lady" because I am seen in my work at events, Renaissance Faires, Conventions, etc. Always drawing positive attention to myself, my love of designing, sewing, and bringing joy to others.

[Wounded Bear]

6. Good news for the self-preservation challenged...

[Zambero]

7. And those dying trees in the background...

Stressed into an early demise from having to witness a constant barrage of badass legend antics. Not a very good tradeoff for the aforementioned increase of 0.3 years' life expectancy for these heroes!

[Midnight Writer]

8. The candle that shines the brightest burns out first.

[Blue_Tires]

9. Legends never really die, anyway

[tblue37]

10. LOL! K&R. nt

[central scrutinizer]

11. I overheard a young woman at the store

She was celebrating her Dead Rock Star Birthday. She was turning 28 so she had lived longer than Duane Allman, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Amy Winehouse, Kurt Cobain