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Related: Editorials & Other Articles, Issue Forums, Alliance Forums, Region ForumsVery funny stuff - just for light relief
These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts" and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: Because my name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
tblue37
(65,318 posts)grumpyduck
(6,232 posts)Thanks for posting... and it kinda made me think of how many people in Congress are lawyers.
MyOwnPeace
(16,925 posts)luvs2sing
(2,220 posts)Said every time she read one, she heard the snappy reply in my voice.
Randomthought
(835 posts)Judge to my soon to be ex " Why have you not paid the ordered maintenance to your wife?"
Ex "I had to put brakes on my girlfriend's car."
FakeNoose
(32,628 posts)I think I have to get this book. I laughed at every one of these hilarious samples.
Thanks!
GentryDixon
(2,949 posts)malaise
(268,913 posts)abqtommy
(14,118 posts)Bayard
(22,056 posts)Loved 'em, passing 'em on.
Wounded Bear
(58,642 posts)I needed that.
judesedit
(4,437 posts)CaptYossarian
(6,448 posts)BlueMTexpat
(15,366 posts)I'm still chuckling.
The last one certainly applies to any of the Criminally Deranged Thug's attorneys.
cp
(6,623 posts)Really enjoyed these.
Soxfan58
(3,479 posts)mountain grammy
(26,615 posts)but the questions..
Dustlawyer
(10,495 posts)dlk
(11,546 posts)3catwoman3
(23,971 posts)Or yesterday, or the day before, or will need tomorrow.
Hekate
(90,642 posts)smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Hilarious!
I could read stuff like this all day!
Fritz Walter
(4,291 posts)In a manila folder somewhere. As someone whos been on this benighted little planet for ⅔ of a century, I go back to the days before the Internet, where we used to share stuff like this via copier hard copy only.
Now, if I need a cringe-worthy reminder of stupid attorneys, all I have to do is type AG Barr into my browser search field.
Karadeniz
(22,493 posts)Can't wait to see my bill!❤
NNadir
(33,512 posts)Jamastiene
(38,187 posts)"If not, he was by the time I finished."
Person of Interest
(365 posts)I needed a good laugh!!! 😆 😂
niyad
(113,255 posts)with a group of attorneys, most of whom sounded about like those above.
canetoad
(17,150 posts)Very funny.
rusty fender
(3,428 posts)Talitha
(6,581 posts)(Damn, I think I know this guy!!)
Amaryllis
(9,524 posts)funnier than made up stuff.
Vinnie From Indy
(10,820 posts)Thanks for posting!
Vinnie From Indy
(10,820 posts)q: : On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
a: : I did.
q: : And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
a: : I did.
q: : And did you observe anything?
a: : I did. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
a: : I saw George.
q: : You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
a: : Yes.
q: : Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
a: : Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
q: : Well, would you kindly do so?
a: : He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
q: : His "thing"?
a: : You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
q: : You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
a: : Yes.
q: : Did you say anything to him?
a: : Of course I did!
q: : What did you say to him?
a: : "Morning, George
PCIntern
(25,525 posts)A new one!! Thanks!
qwlauren35
(6,147 posts)those were some good jokes.
Liberal In Texas
(13,543 posts)this is exactly what you hear now and then.
A monthly trade magazine for court reporters, Journal of Court Reporting, every month has a whole page at the back devoted to these.
Your selection had me laughing out loud.